>>6264910
IRT video games, play them with the kids. Make it a bonding experience, not a babysitter.

>>6264910
Also shoulda prefaced this by saying I'm only worried about the vidya/internet aspect because they definitely were what introduced us to the drug culture/gay sex scene/etc. as for the vidya part, we just wasted tons of time as teens/college students on vidya and weed instead of school

>>6264910

>Honestly we both lead very succesful lives (about 150k a year per person) but we kinda led really stupid lives being pretty hardcore stoners up until 3 years ago, experimented with a lot of drugs, etc. we're totally clean now obviously, but we do blame a lot of it on the way our parents gave us a lot of freedom.

Meanwhile I'm a tranny with no job who spent two years as a NEET after high school, barely graduated as a matter of fact, probably failed half my classes last semester and who was given no freedom as a child or adolescent.

Clearly, whatever your parents did couldn't have been that bad.

>>6265019
Not neccesarily bad, but not the best

I don't want to settle for being a decent parent, I want to set my children up so they can achieve their biggest dreams and goals, and to know that they can achieve anything that they want.

My life taught me I can be lazy and get by, and luckily I taught myself a work ethic to the point where I will always be somewhat wealthy and happy.

I don't want that to be a question for my kids, I want them to have benefits from our success but not to depend on it later in life like so many NEETs do

Just make sure you're involved with them. Have a very open policy of no secrets and no judgement in your household, and never scream at them; that just shows them that you're losing control of the situation.
Of course, punishment is often important when they behave badly, but make sure that the punishments will make them realise and learn from their wrongdoings, rather than teach them to hide their wrongdoings. I'm personally partial to the grounding + specific essay punishment.
Let's say the child has gone to a party and drunk alcohol. Yelling, spanking, and grounding them for 1 night will only teach them that letting you find out about their behaviour will result in punishment; it's conditioned behaviour. Instead, tell them sternly that what they did was wrong, let them know that you are very disappointed with them (ignore their tears), ground them for a week, and make them write an essay on the negative effects of alcohol (both on health and behaviour). This way, they'll know exactly why what they did was wrong and learn to associate the action itself with punishment, while also helping them to understand the other negative consequences of the action.

>>6265092
I'll be honest I think making them write an essay would be kinda pointless.

Physical pain will never be a good punishment so you're right there, and I like the point about having a totally open dialouge with my kids.

But how do I open that dialouge with them? I know they're going to drink and try atleast weed in their lives, so how do I keep them honest with me while still teaching them that's a shit thing to do as a young kid

>>6264910
You have twins from two genetic fathers? Wow that's actually pretty creative to have a blood family, good job OP

>>6265109
If you think an essay is going overboard, talk to them about why what they did is bad. The entire purpose of a punishment is so that they can learn; not to avoid getting caught, but to avoid the behaviour because it has negative consequences both for them and for those around them. If you want to make them really smart, open up a discussion and ask them why they think what they did is bad, ask them questions such as "Have you thought about X?", "What do you think Y could end up causing?", etc.
Unfortunately, there's no hard-and-fast formula for raising children; that's why most parents are terrible. Keeping your children's minds open and making them consider, think about, and question everything is a very good strategy, though.

My parents never focused on teaching me why certain behaviours are bad; just that they are. All I ever learnt from this was "don't get found out, and if you do, use faux tears to get out of it".

>And shared hobbies/family activities, like multiplayer vidya, are a good idea.

>>6265208
If I ever have kids my dream is to be able to bond over popular vidya and comfortably talk shit to eachother while we play

I mean no matter what OP they're gonna end up as fucked up mentally ill adults since you're teaching them your gay "lifestyle" is okay

>>6264910
>Aziz Asari
I'm dying right now

>>6265373
they can be fine but its just extra extra important that the parents aren't cunts if they're homos because homo cuntery is way worse than straight cuntery

>>6265664
And a lot more molesty if it's a boy

OP you realise your kids are going to get bullied into the fucking ground once they get to elementary / high school right?

Have you thought about how you're going to combat that?

>>6265092

>and make them write an essay on the negative effects of alcohol

pfffthahahahaha

I seriously hope you don't have children.

My parents are strict helicopter control freaks and I ended up with like 20 different mental illnesses and dropped out of highschool and I'm 28 and still live at home and am disabled and never went to college, I suggest giving your kids freedom or you will fuck them up big time

>>6264910

focus them on academics, live in a good neighborhood, give them piano lessons and chess lessons, give them stuff when they get good grades, read to them when young, buy them a book a week, bring them to the library in the summer, live away from minorities, don't judge them if they're straight, restrict or ban video games from the house, don't spoil them with useless junk, eat family dinners together, don't have tons of orgies at the household, have them learn a second language early on and speak it with them, feed them healthy meals, don't be TOO helicopter.

And then they have a high chance of growing up well.

>>6264910
you are blaming the reason why you started drugs on your parents for having a free childhood
Stupid, it's your fault why you started drugs
of course your parents should've held you back a little, but it was still your choice to start drugs
I'm betting you blame everything on some else instead of blaming it on yourself

>>6264910
>how to raise your children
Step one:

>don't have them

>>6266034
Of course it was my choice, I never said it wasn't. I'm just saying my parents did nothing to prevent that behavior other than saying :drugs are bad anon, if we find out you do them you'll get in trouble!" and that was that. Every child has a point in their life where they'll be tempted to do bad shit, I just want to make sure my children learn the consequences of it.

>>6265730
Eh, area we live in is pretty progressive and we already have friends (a gay couple and a lesbian couple) that we've known since college that have middle school age kids, and really they don't get bullied for it, though it sucks it'll be hard for my kids to explain, but from what I've seen it isn't horrible.

Every kid will face bullies sadly, gay parents or not.

Hey op. Sup. I'm just some stupid lesbian with prob some incorrect advice here but I've worked a lot with kids and am currently planning to adopt/foster with my wife. I've been working off and on with kids since I was 14. First in a community center high school job working with 6-13 aged kids, later college work study job tutoring middle/high school kids, and for years now I manage a local robotics kids program in my spare time. Plus just bullshit amount of babysitting and junk.

And overall you keep saying your parents should have done something to prevent your drug usage and are looking into ways to prevent it for your future kids but man let me tell you there's not jack shit you can really do for it. I'm college educated, well off, etc and never touched drugs besides a little pot and was raised in the same way as my older brother that became a heroin addict. We both got the same warnings and strictness and freedom from our parents. Even if you do everything right in raising a kid, give them the best, they'll eventually reach 18 and be out of your control. My brother knew the consequences better than anyone else. Still went to it. In fact you ask most addicted drug users and they can list the side effects of their drug better than the average person by far. It's not about not knowing the consequences. In some cases the parents are to blame but often enough it's larger other issues. I've seen kids coming from the shittiest parents turn out great and kids coming out of the best possible loving parents turn out heroin burn outs.

You're gonna eventually have to see that you're kids are gonna fail or succeed and it won't matter what you do. They're gonna do it on their own. Try as best you can to set a good example and love them and be there for them but accept that that still might not be enough.

>>6267126
Oh but on your main topic of activities and kids.

I get the whole "keep the kid occupied and they won't have time for drugs" mentality. I kinda lean toward it myself. But then I remember I was pretty active as a kid on my own choosing without pressure from my parents.

I'd say figure what the kid likes and just be open to it. Don't push your child into football or robotics or programming or theater or whatever you think would look good on a college application because a child pushed into something by the parent tend to resent that shit.

But instead just go "ok kid you need to do something over the summer. Wanna do zoo camp or learn an instrument or kick boxing or ballet or science camp?". Let them pick from that. You're kids gonna learn early on "oh damn dad1 and dad2 are really willing to go out of their way to pick me up and take me to whatever I wanna do" and more readily join extracurricular shit on their own because they know they can rely on your support. Thus it'll all feel more organic to them. Let them try shit out. Maybe you think guitar is stupid waste of time but it gets the kid into marriachi that gets him into learning spanish that gets him into learning multiple languages and getting into different cultures and joining some modelUN and debate club and becoming a future lawyer or ambassador or some wild shit. Kids are wild like that. They'll start in one activity and end up in some completely different shit if you let them. The parents that try over controlling this process the most end up with more burn out kids. 12-14 and they're really just trying out shit not planning their whole lives so you have to keep that in mind. Plus any advicegiven now might not apply in the future. The times/styles/culture was different when you or I were 14 than it is for 14 year olds now. And it'll be much more different in another 14 years.

tbc

>>6267229
Sometimes kids in that 12-14 age and up are just gonna wanna veg out on the couch. Sometimes they're gonna be bouncing off the wall ready to join tennis. Sometimes they'll be super into learning programming. One day they're gonna go through a weird future weeb/art stage. Probably gonna go through a whatever is emo in the future stage. Kids are fucking weird like that. Let them go through that kinda shit without stressing too much over them maybe doing drugs. Have an honest discussion with them on that shit and keep an eye out for signs of it. Try to make sure they're happy and all that but that's about all you can do to keep drugs away until 18.

But after that it's out of your hands.

>, I want to set my children up so they can achieve their biggest dreams and goals, and to know that they can achieve anything that they want.

And reading this you'll manage that so long as you love them and let them just know that often enough. Don't just teach them how to be smart but more importantly how to work hard.

I remember knowing early on that I could achieve whatever I really wanted and I knew that because it was something my dad constantly told me. He often told me that I was clever enough and so long as I worked hard I could be successful in my goals. Saying that often is enough to put into a kids mind and carry on with them as they get older. Be active in your kids education if you want them smart and confident. Don't just put them in the best school you can find and leave it at that. Help them with their homework when you can, learn with them if you have to, help them study their stupid spelling bees and shit. If you want a kid that reads books for fun without having to be told to do so by a teacher you're gonna have to be an adult that reads books yourself for pleasure just like if you want a kid to eats their vegetables without bitching they're gonna have to see you eating your vegetables without bitching. Be proud and let them know you're proud of them. I remember pushing myself to be better not because my parents told me to be better but because they so obviously loved me and were proud of me that I wanted to BE and DO things that would justify their love and pride of me.

And on punishment I've already personally decided to be a lecturer kind of disciplinary. Just lecture my kids for long ass hours over any wrong shit they do. And add physical work for them to do. My dad and mom were like that and it worked stupid well to keep us from shit for the most part. I honestly as a kid would wish my parents would just beat my ass like the neighbors did their kids instead of having to stand for hours hearing my dad and then scrubbing the whole house.

Dammit last comment I was just mad I didn't mention it yet

Fucking hell you know what's the hardest thing I've seen for parents to master that really fucks up kids?

Consistency. That's really the shit. It's what I worry about mastering. The truly great parents have it. Doesn't matter what other advice you take if you can't get that shit down. And it's really hell. You think you can manage it for a while but for 18 fucking years? You set up rules and punishments, chores and whatever structure but if you aren't consistent that shit fails.

You're kid early on having any good idea of what to do and not do will depend on how consistent you are. Your kid needs to know, not because of what you say you'll do but because of how you've consistently acted, how you'll react to certain things like drugs or sex or bad grades. Fuck threatening your kid "wah you get bad grades and I'll take your phone away!" all the time. You need to consistently act a certain way because that's what kids, and anyone really, is gonna keep in mind.

>>6267454
I really appreciate your post, and fully agree with everything you said.

I guess this thread is just to manage my anxiety about being a parent, and it's so close that it could happen any day now (especially with twins). So thank you for your reply because it's reaffirming a lot of what I already thought.

I just hope I don't end up in the situation I am with my parents. They're conservative to a fault and it's made growing up/moving on with life after I moved out so difficult.

I'm going to love them, and be proud of wherever they figure out they need to go with life, unlike mine who punishmed me for my sexuality.

Sigh, I'm just rambling at this point, it especially sucks that I don't know if my parents will be involved much with their grandkids, they didn't even come to the wedding which was a huge blow to my confidence. We're okay now, but they still highly dissapprove and having my husband around is always awkward even if they act cordial.

Same with my sister, my older brother is also gay but autistic, and even they tell him he's wrong for being gay. The older sister is a complete and total bitch to my face about being gay, even saying if they have a son (They have a 3 year old daughter right now) that I won't be allowed to be alone with him.

You know how much that shit hurts? What the hell will be their relationship be like with their cousins? Fuck.

Have a long road ahead of me, but I'll be strong for them even if nobody else was strong for me.

>>6267636
Oh man I'm so sorry to hear that. My wifes family is shit like that. Her father essentially disowned her, but if you ask me the asshole was looking for any excuse to cut ties. Her mom being super religious cut off communication for years. She's coming around a little more now in that she's actually talking to her a little and went to the wedding even if she did a whole speech about how horrible it all was. Overall her family is shit about it. Even some of my family is shit. I've had aunts and uncles tell me off, cousins tell me I should never have married, cousins that used to kill for me to babysit their kids no longer allowing it after I came out. But I'm truly lucky to have my immediate family support.

Even if yours is shit about it all you're now building a family that will be better than them. The fact that you already worry so much now and they aren't even born shows how capable you are of loving them. So you're already ahead of your parents in the unconditional pride and love thing.

Best of luck with the twin babies. I imagine after you two survive the first few hell years it'll be great.

>>6267730

Not the soon-to-be father anon, but shit, where do you live? I just recently came out to my own parents and while they seem uneasy with the concept they kept being just as supportive as they were before. Nobody else in the extended family knows, and while I don't think I really care about their reaction (I don't feel dysfunctional couples have any ground on which to judge me), your post made me wonder. Are these kinds of terrible reactions really that commonplace, or do you feel it's more specific to your environment? In any case, best of luck to you and your wife, I wish you an incredible mariage and I hope you manage to prove every single homophobe in your family wrong. Cheers.