I want to be held, but when I try to think of a woman I think of a man instead, holding me like a woman, and the sight of dick arouses me. But I still stare at women, but sometimes at men.
Is this what it feels like to be gay?
>>5956439
Do you masturbate to the thought of yourself as a woman? Is it the only thing that can properly get you off?
>>5956439
AGP
G
P
>>5956498
Yes, occasionally. I feel like having a more feminine persona, going my hair long bodybuilding to look more like a trap, changing my wardrobe and sometimes getting a boyfriend.
But more importantly, I feel like a bitch in heat a few times in the month and get worse when I don't fap.
And then suddenly I feel straight and masculine again.
Am so fucked up.
>>5956659
Have you ever thought about taking hormones?Are you actually comfortable looking at yourself as a man in the mirror?
>>5956716
Not OP. But I would like to interject and say.
I want to die. I'll never be a girl or anything close to it
>>5956730
Since I was 5. I would secretly look in the toy catalogue and wish I had the princess dresses to wear, wishing I was one of them.
But I hid those thoughts from my parents I never told them. I wouldn't dare.
And now. At 21. You have a man who acts like everything is ok on the outside, runs, workouts and keeps fit, never tells anyone how he feels. Only for me to go home and break down into tears the moment I get a moment alone. Feeling pangs of longing, jealousy and self loathing when you see all the lucky mtfs who got to transition. Something you will never have...
I going to cry myself to sleep tonight. I thought I could hide forever. The armour is cracked. I'm broken.
I feel so weak and pathetic
>>5956767
>Something you will never have...
Why not, anon?
>>5956767
Do you think taking female hormones and never passing, but fading away in people's minds to a more relaxed guy would be more comfortable than the way you're living now?
>>5956775
Because hormones aren't magic. They cannot turn Adam into Eve.
I'm too far gone. Trapped in the armour I built to try and deny my inner self.
My heart hurts. Everything hurts. I had it under control. Until recently. I let my guard slip. I couldn't repress it as well as I once did
And now for the first time in almost a decade. I'm curled up crying into my pillow like a little bitch.
>>5956795
Bruh, go full muscle girl
>>5956799
I never liked my muscles. They were only made as part of a desperate attempt to find a male identity I could cling too.
I doubt being she hulk will make me feel any better.
I wish. I could go back.
>>5956795
Stop lifting, change your diet, go on hormones and see what happens. Ask yourself this: can it get worse? I mean you already want to kill yourself, what do you have to lose?
Question: how tall are you? Are you broad-shouldered? How's you jaw shaped? Because these are the things that matter for passing. Yeah you have muscles now but those can go away. It's the skeletal structure you need to look at.
>>5956820
Do you like that version over the original?
Yeah, I wish I could go back too. I wouldn't keep a single thing to myself.
>>5956716
Tried it and stopped after a while. Am comfortable looking at myself. I need to work out more though.
>>5956848
Why not try talking to therapist at least? Can't hurt.
>>5956856
I never shared a single thought or feeling with any living person outside of an anonymous text screen.
A therapist would only prolong the agony.
>>5956730
I crossdressed since I was 5, the lewd feelings didn't start till pueberty, but I the crossdressing brought it out early. I remember having the biggest erection at age 11 and then I started to play with myself at age 13, but when I crossdressed while doing it, it felt unbelievably good, but I kept it to myself. I had two personalities. I didn't just do it for those reasons though.
Now I feel less conflicted, I guess...lol
>>5956725
FIXED
i wanna die pham i don't wanna be a fucking tranny
why did it all have to happen to me? i thought i was fine and it was all made up but what if it's not? can i seriously not just roid up and be a happy dude?
>>5957027
>tfw reading things that are simultaneously sad and funny
>>5956439
No. You think about women aspects way too much. You sound bi or trans to me.
A gay guy would think of himself as a guy being with another guy. Not all this bs you came up with.
>>5957051
All you can do is life your life, you can't really change who you are.
I wouldn't advise anyone to be a full blown tranny either. If you have gender dysphoria, transition won't cure it, mental help and accepting the sex you were born as will.
>>5956439
I feel this way too but Idk I'm still not really into guys. I have some thoughts but really only super feminine ones. Maybe its just all the porn and /b getting to my dick. I could probably make a decent trap but that takes a lot of work and I don't really wanna be gay. Dah struggle :(
>>5957071
I'm wondering atm if it's worth transitioning because of the effort anymore. I want to go on my mones so I can see if everything finally cllicks or will it wake up some dungeon boss made out of my own harmful intrusive thoughts, who's like twice as strong as my own identity is at this point. Like I'm in a black hole that funnels into a grave
If anyone was actually here for april fools jokes this year then all they found were sad sacks instead
>>5956439
I'm the same way desu. I just got used to it mang. I'm miserable too.
>>5956439
just pretend to be a girl online and cyber with guys to cure the urge. that's what i do.
unless you have the perfect features trying to become a trap will just end in social disaster. people you know might not be mean to you but they'll never look at you the same way again and you'll have to kill yourself.
>>5956439
Not necessarily. It sounds like you could be bi instead. And possibly trans.
>>5957437
That last part is what I fear most.
Gosh I wish I had a better build to at least attempt something feminine.. Oh well, pretending online works.
>>5956767
You are a real man.
>never tells anyone how he feels
More of a man than most these days. You do sound like you've got the AGP though.
>>5957437
>projecting this much
You have the power to change yourself, stop being tied to what others think of you!
And move somewhere a little more accepting if that is your issue.
