>Adolescence-
Fearing that I was not mentally capable of graduating High School, my parents placed me in a tiny private school from grades 6-12. There were less than 300 students between grades K-12, so I had to endure being bullied and friendless amidst the same classmates year after year. Part of this bullying was sexually driven. Guys would pick on me for being gay, ask me for sex and comment on my apparently.., well.., I guess for some fucking reason they liked my butt. One day in the boys locker room I saw two boys forcing another to give them both a rimjob. I tried to run but they caught me and were going to rape me as well, when I decided, since they were stronger, to pretend that I was in to it. (taking a cue from some Star Trek Flash on Newgrounds) The gamble of my making the first move worked, they ran, the gay narrative and kill fags posture intensified, but at least my virginity was preserved. By senior year I’d sneak skirts and makeup out of the house to wear at school, and despite suffering depression rooted in my not being a girl, I seldom entertained the notion of being trans.
>First year at College-
I tried to expand my horizons by joining the LGBT club, but no one there ever tried to be my friend. I wasn't a SJW, never had sex and finally quit after one meeting where a bug chaser detailed his attempts to contract HIV. Even if these attempts at socialization were successful, my earlier brushes with homophobic violence and attempted gay rape would have scared me away from pursuing any additional male crushes. Coupling this conditioned fear of men with gender issues, I further decided that I am male but would simply prefer a female physique for myself. Even if this were otherwise, I do not think that I would have been mentally secure enough to undergo hormone therapy, for fear that I’d never be able to trust anyone interested in me as a woman after experiencing no one interested in me as a man.

>Summer after first year of college-
While visiting City X I met and fell (metaphorically) for a MTF trans-woman. We would chat on skype for several hours every night and agreed that I'd come up again for us to spend a week more intimately. Two days before my arrival she dropped these bombshells on me, that she had sucked some guy's cock in a bar the night before, let several more grope her chest and done anal with yet another older man. After my arrival she announced that she was no longer interested in me sexually, was done experimenting with guys and had entered a monogamous relationship with a cis girl she was already into before these developments. Apparently I was nowhere near as fun in person as I was online, to boot. Before this trip I had never consumed alcohol before, but this bad news led to me getting completely plastered. I wound up at some bar having to turn down two guys who competed over me, one who admitted to 70+ partners and one who frenched me without my permission (tried to flail my arms for help, unanswered), just to cry off my hangover alone on someone's mattress. I felt like a worthless whore, despite not engaging in any genital contact that night.

>First ex, foreign cis girl-
Back at college I entered a long-term relationship with a girl from, let’s call it Fillertextstan. Our chat log that I compiled spans 300 pages, and I believed her reciprocation to the idea that we get married and have children someday. Around the time of my 21st birthday I went online, quite happy, to find that she had deleted everything without any notice, leaving me to take my midterm that same day while bawling my eyes out. Over the years she proceeded to re-enable and disable her accounts, falling in and out of love ad nauseum, reconnecting and severing contact dozens upon dozens of times. This summer she finally blocked me instead of quitting the internet, thus prompting an epic poem on doomed love I’ve been working on.

After my 3rd year of college I created an OkCupid account and met a girl from Texas. She appeared as if to love me unconditionally and never stopped pressuring me to propose to her. With no notice she told me one morning to skip my classes and pick her up from the airport, since a relative had let her use her free flyer miles to see me. It was surreal when she ordered me to propose to her with $3 rings bought from China town, but I was too stupefied to refuse her. Through the following months her skype and phone calls became more deranged and hostile. Herself “suddenly” in a state of constant homelessness and squatting with drug addicts, having been disowned by her family, it became my duty to work on school nights and pay for my fiancé’s whole lease on a new apartment. Unsurprisingly my grades plummeted, since I was getting out of class at 7:30pm, starting work at 8:00pm, getting home at 6am and resuming class at 11am. My only experience with alcohol abuse before this point was my stay in City X, but this stress combined with ex-con coworkers made me turn to beer just to stave off any suicide attempts. (one of whom had a homosexual crush on myself, even taking a picture of me to keep) It seemed however that the more sacrifices I made for my fiancé, the more she demanded and worse I was providing for her as a "husband". I saw all of the red flags but chose to ignore them out of a misdirected sense of trust and honor, since my duty was to trust my life partner and to “listen and believe” her no matter what. I remember her calling in the middle of the night, saying she was getting a shot in the ER and needed me on the phone because she was scared. Reflecting on her sounds, I'm 99% sure that her pornstar MTF trans roommate was penetrating her with something other than an IV.. The two demands that I never did cave in to, however, were dropping out of College and abandoning my own family to work for her full-time.

Having alienated her last supportive relative, who secured the lease for and furnished the apartment I was paying for, I also had to drain most of my savings to fly her to NYC (where I live) for Christmas and go back with her for New Years. After lamenting not having a family to spend the Holiday's with, she told me she regretted taking a break from "work" to spend them with me and my relatives. She even had the audacity to falsely accuse a stranger of planning to attack me, just to make herself look good in front everybody (no one bought it). Heading back to Texas, I was overjoyed to finally see "our" apartment and expected to visit her friends, favorite clubs and workplace, which was to have a party requiring a suit and tie on my part. Instead I spent several days alone while she would leave for her food service job in full Steampunk attire, returning covered in strange bruises and not smelling of any food. We were both supposedly food servers and I was always smeared with/reeking of the kitchen by the end of every shift.. At last it was decided that I had to sleep on the couch, which was roughly 3 feet in length, when finally come New Years Eve it was decided that I had to go. Her excuse was that she couldn't entertain company with the holiday work rush, as if I were mere company and not a fiancé in his own home. The flight that I had drained my savings for was also non-refundable, and set to return to NYC on the 3rd, but I guess bringing some other guy home for the New Year was more important than her life partner. She did not even break up with me when she did this but expected me to keep paying her rent. I played along just long enough to get to the airport/not be murdered while she sped her car, screaming at me not to cry because "boys don’t cry" (<-literally), “be a real man” etc. etc.. Not willing to take me to a hotel, only to the airport, my parents spent an ungodly sum to fly me back to NYC on New Year’s Eve within one hours’ notice.

And from her attempts to re-contact me afterwards, it seemed she was genuinely surprised that I'd sever everything instantly after this ordeal. I had my phone purged but in doing so read one message, where she threatened to have some guy kill me after her umpteenth supposed suicide attempt. (threw herself in a lake only for this dude to rescue her, supposedly) Having experienced false suicide threat after false suicide threat, such as "I pretended my car keys were knives, didn't really stab myself lol", was just a smack in the face to my own continued resistance against self-harm. Anywho, after failing to gain me back, admitting that she was planning to scam me for money all along, then failing to gain me back a second time (wtf?), she got a new fiancé/husband. Interestingly, her friend also went from engaged to married to divorced to re-married in the span of this same single year..

>Third ex, virgin-shaming cis girl (second ex was scammer cis girl, heading got cut out) –
I next dated a girl I met on POF. She made an exception against dating virgins when it came to me, though I never shamed her for having 15 partners by 20, some of them random hookups in bars. Just what is it anyway that makes people want to have sex inside dirty bars, I mean actual public sex inside of a bar? Anywho, after talking about wanting to have children and telling me that I was the best boyfriend she ever had, she just vanished. I eventually found out that it was because I had barely spoken to her during my last month of college, before which I had warned her I wouldn't be talking much even to my own parents, in order to focus on graduating. I had offered to take a break from my studies if she wasn't ok with that, but she said ok even though she wasn't ok... Later telling me that she wasn’t breaking up with me but only depressed and seeking psychiatric help, it took me several months to give up on this “temporary retreat”, when I finally checked FB and found new pictures of her in bars with dozens of strange men. Oh yeah, on our final date I took her to see a popular kids movie and had to slap her hand away, when she tried to give me a handy in the dark amidst dozens of small children.

>A new start and failed attempt at a fourth relationship-
Finished with my Bachelor’s degree and forsaken by every romantic partner I had offered my devotion to, I found myself an obese alcoholic living with my parents. Losing a family member to alcoholism and getting accepted into a Master’s program, however, gave me the strength to quit booze completely, lose a ton of weight and compel myself to give dating another try. Returning to OkCupid I found a profile intro. that could have very well been written by myself, so I struck up a conversation despite the lack of an actual picture. It did not matter that this person turned out to be an obese, basically non-transitioning transwoman, as she seemingly treated me with greater love and honesty than had any of my exes. After being told that she loved me, that I was the best man she had ever met who she’d protect from the darkness of my past and all that crap, she confessed that she couldn’t guarantee nothing would happen between her and a friend that had cheated on her before, who she had loved and still carried feelings for. Fast forward a few days in silence, she tells me that after speaking through things together, she’s realized that her feelings for him are only fraternal and that losing me would be worse than us being a long distance couple. Not even a full week later, she admitted last night that she’s only sexually attracted to women and was wrong to think that she could be in a romantic relationship without sexual attraction. (confirming my earlier fear, that if I did transition I wouldn’t be able to trust anyone attracted to me) Hearing all of this at once essentially left me mindfucked, since we had reached the point of planning to visit each other’s parents, only for the most basic details of her dating profile to unravel.. Cont->

..(Interested in Men? Yes. Willing to date long-distance? Yes. Do you love me? Yes.) When I asked her why she ever said she wanted to kiss me or have sex with me after transitioning, if none of this was true, her paraphrased response included such phrases as “I just thought… without giving it much thought… so I dunno”. Had the conversation ended there, perhaps I wouldn’t be typing this, but she had to follow this up with more patronizing drivel of the “it’s not you, it’s me” variety. Repeatedly hearing anything around the lines of “you’re the most awesome, smart, handsome, kind and fun boyfriend I could ever catch, so I’ll let you make someone else infinitely happier than myself since I’m not good enough to deserve your love”, does nothing more than convey the message that one is as desirable as a clogged public toilet, passed over by everyone until a janitor is forced to clean it.

ever heard of tldr?

>Conclusion
Having summarized most of the dysfunctionalities of my life, my open question to all of you is if I am simply mentally defective, incompatible for a permanent relationship, or if fate has simply dealt me a bad hand? Given my consistent failures with women, both cis and trans, I sometimes wonder if things would have been better for me if I were gay instead of bisexual. Either way there’s still my conditioned fear of having men abuse me (if interested) or lynch me (if uninterested), which needs to be undone somehow. I tried approaching the issue with a classmate who I’m certain is a closeted homosexual, bit it only resulted in a fierce defense of his own straightness and how much his grandparents want gay men to be killed. That said, if anyone would like to counsel me in this loneliness, I wouldn’t mind skyping or emailing anyone here who might want to be my friend. (although my free-time is very scant, thanks to my M.S. program with fieldwork and certification nuisances) Now then, I’ll be using this new email just for anonymous internet stuff. -> [email protected] (<- might still need to set up a skype for it)

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Do you really expect people to read all that shit?

>>5902332
Oh look, another tranny thread

>>5902332
I get the feeling you don't think many things through (i am an over thinker), but your cynicism will get the better of you soon.
Also as an aside notice how the details of each story becomes less relevant and the nuance of the relationship all but disappear, either you are already becoming cynical or you were in a rush.

I suppose that the naivete of my sheltered childhood, resulting in an absence of any healthy cynicism, led to most if not all of these unstable relationships. My cynicism is a rather recent development, but I agree with you that's its beginning to grow out of control. To commend your over-thinking I'll admit that it's a mixture of both. Each failure only increased my cynicism, but I was also rushing my post for the sake of cooking dinner.

>>5902332
What a wild ride. Reading something like this makes me want to just stay single and revel in my money and free time. Given all these relationships started online, maybe try IRL.

But hell if I know, I'm barely not a virgin and it was with a guy. Also I'm a tranny so dating online is extra scary.

I agree with >>5902759 about these situations seeming rather rash. Consider making a checklist of red flags based on stuff you find on the internet about similar dating insanity, not just for online stuff but for IRL stuff too.

Indeed, and it's a wild ride I would love to get off of but can't. I wasted half a year trying to be a hermit, figuring that would be safer for me, but after the first few months relief my mental health only worsened. Online dating felt like my last resort, sadly, since IRL efforts just made me feel like the invisible man. Honestly, I still mark myself as straight on my dating profiles simply for fear of being attacked, somehow. The last time I had a crush on a man I couldn't help not panicking internally every second spent around him, never speaking a word.. What sucks is that I made sure to clear the fourth girl of all red flags, only for the most basic statements to turn up false long after agreeing to visit me.
(to any future replies, I'm going to bed now)

>>5902332
OP, there's nothing wrong with you. You don't seem to be completely hopeless.

The problem here is that you didn't see red flags or ignored them and continued to let yourself get sucked into horrific relationships.

Good job on dodging the fuck outta the gay rape thing, but now you're gonna have to be just as sharp when you're dating. You gotta know how to weed out the crazies from the sane normies.

If a girl shows you any red flags, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. Guys too.

Good luck OP.

>>5903323
>What sucks is that I made sure to clear the fourth girl of all red flags, only for the most basic statements to turn up false long after agreeing to visit me.

you were dating a non-transitioning obese tranny. That's a huge red flag. Transgirls who are still in the stage of transitioning or pre-transition are going to be a huge load of pain if you're going to date them.

Even transgirls who have completely finished transitioning are pretty fucked up.

Just try again amigo. You'll find a sane guy or girl one day.

>>5903323
Feeling like the invisible man is quite normal I think, I keep telling myself that.

>>5903389
I agree that you should probably never date transgirls who aren't formally done with their transition but I hear it's more or less a lifelong thing, and saying we're all fucked up is a pretty blanket statement. Especially when you consider that there are two clinical categories, and the ones who are what most people would think of as the "real" ones only make up 3 out of 10 trans people.

I was on the verge of tears just now, purging my facebook of the final girl, so your encouragement really cheered me up. I honestly didn't register non-transitioning and obesity as red flags, since her verbal and social behavior seemed sane and affectionate enough. But thanks again for the pep talk! (your typing style reminded me of a guy on skype who would stuff an inflatable lobster down his pants, but that was /x/)

I feel embarrassed now, per my lack of clinical knowledge. As for the girl in question, two things did stand out which I fear flew under my radar. Firstly, that she realized she was trans via watching anime girls. Secondly, that it took four years after coming out as trans just to get her first dress and bra. I guess I still have a long ways to go with being more properly judgmental.

>>5903483
>Firstly, that she realized she was trans via watching anime girls.

HOLY SHIT. You just can't make this shit up. This is real life. The meme is fucking real.

I am not familiar with this meme. Could you share it with me?

>>5903632
The meme is loser beta males want to transition because they watch too much anime.

Basically, transitioning and anime is highly correlated.

I don't know why you didn't just run away when he told you that.

If true, that might explain why two of my cousins came out in unison after decades of being straight males, my Otaku cousin as MTF and my furry cousin as Gay. Is there also a correlation between furries and homosexuality?

>>5904987
Correlation does not imply causation, but yes, there is a definitive correlation between being a furry and being gay.

Interesting. I should probably ask him how he came to this realization, having seen his past interests shift from his girlfriend to plush dolls for Disney's The Lion King. (he loved his baby Simba plushie, particularly..)