Okay /lgbt/, I need to get something off my chest.
I am, for lack of a better word, an AGP. Or at least I was.
I started my transition at 21. At the time I was morbidly depressed, suicidal, and a kissless virgin who was obsessed with 4chan, anime, traps and shemale porn. After a failed suicide attempt I felt that I might as well try to live out my sexual fantasy of being a girl. I came out of the closet, and tried my hardest to come off as a legit trans person and not some fetishist. Counter to that however, dressing in women's clothing sexually excited me. The thought of me being able to have sex with women and other "shemales" (as I called them back then. Now the word makes me wince), was enough to make be begin my transition.
Next month I will be 31. I have been on hormones for nearly 10 years now. I had FFS at 25.
I can remember perfectly the thoughts and motives of my younger pre-transition self just perfectly still, but in all honesty, it feels like it was a completely different person now.
>cont.
>>5788347
I pass. Being on hormones for so long helped a lot. So did the facial surgery. Only two of my closest friends know I'm trans, as well as my boyfriend, and they treat me just like a regular woman still.
Oh yeah, I've a boyfriend now too. It's pretty serious. We've been in a relationship for over 2 years now and I deeply love him. It's strange though, before I started hormones I really did consider myself "straight". I was not interested in guys at all, only women and trans girls.
Now though, I'm getting creampied in the ass every few nights and to be quite fucking honest nothing makes me happier. I noticed I only started feeling attracted to men a few years after I started hormones, and the longer I was on them, the more my sexuality flipped. I now prefer men strongly over women.
This would have probably been a big shock to my 21 year old self. The other ironic thing is that a couple years after starting HRT, my libido was drastically curbed. I stopped getting erections from dressing in women's clothing, and now, I usually just wear comfortable stuff day to day because getting dressed up is too much of a hassle and I can't be bothered. I remember when I first started out, I used to love getting cat-called on the street (It didn't happen too often back then), now it just annoys me.
I pretty much just feel like a regular woman now, and the weirdest part of all of this is that I have never been fucking happier. I have a job as a substitute teacher, a partner I who cares about me, a reliable social network and lots of friends, I go outside of the house all the time now. I still play video games and browse 4chan too, just much less frequently. Funny enough, the only times I ever get harassed for being trans anymore is when I make a post about it on 4chan. I would never EVER tell my boyfriend the real reason I decided to tranistion. I would be too terrified he would see me as less of a woman if he knew the truth.
>>5788351
It's kind of hard for me to explain what my point is with all of this. I guess I keep seeing all of this AGP hate and shaming on this board and I can sort of understand it. In my experience though, it doesn't even matter. Whatever reasons you have for transitioning, in the end it's irrelevant. The only thing that seems to really matter is what hormones you have pumping through your body and your ability to pass.
That is all society needs to think and believe I am a woman.
That is all I need to think and believe I am a woman.
>>5788347
I'm going to bump, because I want at least a few responses. I want to know what people think.
haha, he dicked ur butt and now ur gay lol
>>5788351
I hope I gett FFS soon....
but I'm TruTrans, always been into cock, and was feminine before hormones, so you're not like me
>>5788984
well....yeah?
I'm into that! I love being hit on by guys!
>>5788984
>turned himself female to trick straight guys into fucking him
isn't that the case though?
Thank you for being hon3st.
I will never believe a trans girl that says he never had agp and wasn't a beta male at one point.
I will never date trannies.
>>5788351
>Now though, I'm getting creampied in the ass every few nights and to be quite fucking honest nothing makes me happier
Made me a little hard to be honest. Did you pass before FFS?
>>5789036
>erect girlpenis
I don't get those anymore....
>>5789032
>never believe a trans girl that says he never had agp
I wouldn't believe this either. I'd still date one though if s/he wasn't batshit insane. They're boyish-girliness is really attractive for some reason.
>>5788953
I can respect your fetish anon. I think I may have used to have that fetish too. I'm way more vanilla now though.
It's hard to put really, why I am so much more attracted to guys now. My boyfriend is big. He's 6'4'' and I just fucking love how he can pick me up and toss me around and such with relative ease. I was always pretty scrawny as a guy, and I remember I used to resent it, but goddamn did it end up paying off.
When my bf is inside me. When he is deep inside as far as he can go, I feel a connection to him that I never could have imagined before. It's so hard to describe. It's like the closest you will ever get to being a single entity I guess.
But being more straightforward, I LOVE being pounded in the ass. the harder and louder, the squeakier the bed, the shakier. There is no other experience quite like it, and I can't even begin to find the words to describe why I find it more appealing. Nothing reinforces my personal femininity quite so much as that.
>>5788963
>but I'm TruTrans, always been into cock, and was feminine before hormones, so you're not like me
Perhaps not, but I'm also trying to explain that by this point, it doesn't really matter. It doesn't actually make you more of a woman than me. It's just my past now.
>>5789039
>Did you pass before FFS?
For the most part yes, but not 100% of the time. That's why I eventually opted for the surgery.
>>5789163
>tfw you will literally never have a bf to dick you in the butt
>>5789053
>>5789036
sounds like someone found out why trans people have such a high rate of suicide
>>5788347
That's great man, you are living the dream, good for you.
1. By the way how did you pay for FFS?
2. Do you still get erections?
>>5788347
>4 chan makes you trans
wow
also your post made me hard
what the fuck should I do with my life
>>5789475
why? because someone who would normally be told transitioning will make them suicidal and be a huge mistake did it and is now happy a fuck?
>>5789163
>I was always pretty scrawny as a guy, and I remember I used to resent it
Now this I just don't get - fellow early transitioning likely AGP here, started hormones when I was 14 and went full time at 19. I always loved every feminine aspect of myself, and was disgusted by any masculinity - that's why I decided to get hormones online as early as possible. Any time I was motivated to act masculine it was to fit in, not because that's how I actually wanted to be. It would be nice ending up like you, and hormones definitely made more straight, but I don't mind being with a girl either - although either sex arouses me I feel a more personal attraction to girls and with men it's more sexual, having him dominate me and feeling so submissive and girly in comparison :3
>>5788963
>nya nya nya ur not as legitimate as me!
sit down hon
>>5789491
>By the way how did you pay for FFS?
I inherited a large sum of money after my grandmother died. She left more for my mother, but she was pretty rich and gave me a sizable chunk as well.
>Do you still get erections?
Yes. Not as often as I used to, but I still do. I'm still on the fence about whether or not to get SRS. I don't think I need it. It probably won't make me feel any more or less like a woman, but I think I might still want it.
>>5789597
I never actually had the desire to be a woman until after I graduated high-school, when things really started getting bad for me, and even then, like I said before it was purely sexual.
Before that I tried to just fit in and be a regular guy, and being short and scrawny made guys and girls take me less seriously I felt like. Maybe it was just in my head though.
>>5789503
do whatever makes you happy man. That's my take-away.
>>5792987
thanks for the reply, but going by what makes me happy I ended up as a complete mental wreck with no life whatsoever
>>5793018
What did you do?
>>5788347
yeah you were always trans and agp allowed you to express the repressed part of you deeerrrrrrrrr. How in denial are people here? don't answer that.
>>5793031
nothing remarkable, drugs and long tiem withdrawal from society - cause its more comfy than struggling to fit in
Passing is the most important part of being trans with our a doubt. I bash agp stuff all the time on here cause I feel like most agpers don't end up like you Op they just end up miserable pathetic and suicidal because they are too masculine and male at heart to successfully transition.
But I will always see a passing trans women as a more legitimate woman than anyone who doesn't pass. Just the way it is. LIVING as a woman is more real and important than feeling like one. And by living I mean truly passing
>>5789032
Thanks Op....
>>5789163
I don't think wanting to be pounded is fetishyy. Women want that too and it validated their feminity as well.
>>5789032
>>5789043
>>5793652
No I really wouldn't go this far. I'm sure some trans women know from a very early age they want to be women and more or less act like straight girls through most of their life. I'm just sharing my own personal story.
I'm not gonna lie I felt really uncomfortable and embarrassed when I typed up this thread. The reasons why I transitioned and my old, pre-transition self are things are rarely think about these days, mostly because I try to put it out of my mind. This is actually the first time I have ever openly shared it with anyone, even if it is anonymously on an anime image board.
>>5793645
>Passing is the most important part of being trans with our a doubt. I bash agp stuff all the time on here cause I feel like most agpers don't end up like you Op they just end up miserable pathetic and suicidal because they are too masculine and male at heart to successfully transition.But I will always see a passing trans women as a more legitimate woman than anyone who doesn't pass. Just the way it is. LIVING as a woman is more real and important than feeling like one. And by living I mean truly passing.
I hate to say it, but I think I have to agree. It must be terribly frustrating being a trans-woman who has felt legitimate dysphoria all her life only to transition and not pass. I don't think I could handle a life like that personally.
But when you can look in a mirror and see a woman, and when everyone around you treats you like a woman for long enough, you sort of start to forget about being transgender altogether after a point. I would hate, HATE, to have to be reminded of it everyday when people interacted with me or even whenever I caught a reflection of myself.
I sympathize with un-passing trans women, I really do. At the same time though, I am so fucking glad I don't have to be, or even associate with them.
>>5793746
I think the main reason I made this thread, other than being able to unload this secret I've been carrying around all these years, is to empower other people who may be in the same situation I was in.
Don't let anyone tell you you shouldn't transition unless you meet a certain set of credentials. It's bullshit, all of it. You can still transition. You can still be happy you did.
I will say this however. If you are going to transition, you must be prepared to not pass. Not everyone can unfortunately.
If you think you are a strong enough person to put up with the harassment, or if your life is so shitty you are willing to take the risk regardless (like in my case), just go ahead and do it. There is always a possibility it could save your life.
>>5793776
Thanks for this. I was actually just about to make a post saying I was feeling a bit similar and hearing stories like this help.
I'm glad your life turned out okay.
>>5793806
No problem anon! Thank you for letting me know it helped.
>>5793661
I agree completely.
>want to start moans
>don't wanna end up being into men
Thanks OP
>>5793990
But every person is different you baka, there's no chance you'll like men if you weren't already into in them in the first place and just repressed the crap outta of it.
All HRT does is bring out the real you but again everyone is different so I dunno.
>>5793990
Why would you want to resist the cock?
>>5793990
>>5794065
When I started taking HRT, I was into girls (cis and trans) and the occasional very-feminine femboy. I've been on HRT for 10 months now, and at most I've started to also like femboys that are slightly more androgynous than I liked before, but I still am just as turned off by distinctly masculine personalities and masculine features (like beards, body hair, musky body odor) as I was before HRT. I haven't started to like girls of whatever sort any less, either.
I guess you should be prepared for the possibility that if you take HRT you might start liking some kinds of guys to some degree, and be able to accept that that's not necessarily a world-ending disaster if it does happen. If I were to guess I'd guess that you probably would continue to like girls more than guys, though.
I've secretly dressed up for years, when I was a kid I dreamed about being a girl, but I just rolled with what I was dealt and learned to be a guy, although I never felt like one of the guys and I always got the idea when talking to them that they chalked me up as being gay...
I had no trouble with girls, but after my first broke my heart I went through girlfriends at an average rate of about 1 per year. They always complained that I wasn't there, but the sex was good enough that they stuck around.
Then I got married. Just last night I bought and drank an entire fifth of whiskey and dressed in her clothes and wore her makeup, first time with a shaved face in months... I just looked so beautiful and natural, and I found myself looking in the mirror and the girl looking back at me was on the verge of tears, she didn't want to just get forgotten for the rest of our lives.
I was drunk enough to actually text my wife saying that I had a serious issue, and even sent her some pictures when she asked. At first she was laughing nervously and saying it was fine and that I looked like I was having fun, but later said she was really hurt and now we don't know how to go forward.
I just feel like both of my lives are on a precipice and the next week is going to change me one way or another forever
>>5794320
yeah....you're probably going to need some kind of couples therapy. this is a big deal though, i mean imagine if you found out she wanted to take test and be a dude.
>>5794320
I'm not sure if I have any advice to give, that's a tough situation that you've gotten into, but I hope you and your wife manage to get through this and figure out something that will work.
Good luck.
>>5794341
It's not clear to me from their post if they want to get on hormones or not, OP might be okay with just crossdressing, or maybe not. It's definitely something that they should seek outside help to get through, though.
>>5794418
Hormones seem like this faraway by grail to me, I know with my looks and build that it would turn me into a girl. At the same time I feel like I'd have to basically be dead to my family and move to another state, I don't think I could handle the shame I know they'd shower me with
If my wife leaves me, there's a good chance I'll just go to a therapist and try to start down the road to hormones
>>5794418
you're right, but regardless it's still quite a thing
>>5794437
It is going to be brutal either way. She will never see you the same way again. She will never forget it either. She will bring it up for the rest of your life if you try to repress it for her.
My wife was brutal for a long time. I went to divorce and she suddenly admitted she was lesbian and was attracted to me cause I was so fem to begin with.
>>5788984
But I did that.
>got to 25 and noticed I was getting more masculine
>'Oh shit how will I keep getting deep dicked?'
>start taking hormones
>about one year start to pass and get all the straight D I want
Success :)
>>5794201
>When I started taking HRT, I was into girls (cis and trans) and the occasional very-feminine femboy. I've been on HRT for 10 months now, and at most I've started to also like femboys that are slightly more androgynous than I liked before, but I still am just as turned off by distinctly masculine personalities and masculine features (like beards, body hair, musky body odor) as I was before HRT.
That's about how I was 10 months in too. Give it some time. I'm not saying it's going to happen for sure, but 10 months isn't very long.
>>5794320
>Then I got married.
I'm sorry anon. One of my biggest fears, if I didn't end up transitioning, was that I would get married to a woman, then change my mind about wanting to stay a man. Especially if there were kids involved. It's one of the things that pushed me to decide to go through with it.
It must make things so much more complicated. That really vulnerable stage when you first come out of the closet...I can't imagine having to do that with a partner. It's going to make her life complicated too. Good luck to both of you.
>>5794584
The closest thing I could compare it to would be when I had to tell my bf I was trans, when we were first dating. That was a pretty vulnerable time as well. Somehow, I feel it's probably less awkward than first coming out of the closet. One thing I've noticed since transitioning, people tend to respond to a crying woman with more affection than a crying man. It's stupid bullshit, but it's true.
>>5788984
>Unless you identify as a gay guy who turned himself female to trick straight guys
>mfw head case from femgen
>mfw crush on straight men would be the principal motivation for going full girl
>>5794584
>That's about how I was 10 months in too. Give it some time. I'm not saying it's going to happen for sure, but 10 months isn't very long.
It wouldn't be a bad thing if I started finding even more people attractive, so the possibility that I might start liking men doesn't scare me too much. I just hope I don't stop liking girls (or the type of boys that are cute-enough-to-be-honorary-girls as far as heart is concerned) in the process, I really am quite attached to them, to the very concept of them, and to the sort of warm happiness that thinking about them. If I ever lose my love for girls (again broadly defined in a way that only makes sense in my confused head), I don't think I would really be me anymore, the fundamental beautifulness and truth of the concept of 'girl' is just too much of a part of who I am at this time to see it otherwise.
Ah, I'm being totally AGP right now, aren't I; when I was a child I didn't think to myself "I know I'm really a girl and not a boy" like a 'real' transsexual 'should', but rather "I really like girls, and I wish I could play with them sometimes like I was one of them, I'd sort of like to be able to be one every now and then, oh but I'm a boy so I can't and I'm messed up for even wanting because you're a boy and it's totally wrong for boys to admit something like that so definitely never tell anyone how you feel about this ever", and maybe I'm transitioning because I've always been in love with thinking about cute awesome girls and at the same time I felt isolated and wanted to at least be able to love myself; I really don't know. It's been nice to have had this opportunity to write and remember and cry, in any case; I didn't realize that I had emotional stuff I needed to process when I started writing this post, haha.
>>5794635
>bi-curious mostly into girls
>have AGP that never affected my life much
>fall in love with my male friend
>AGP intensifies
>cant stop dreaming of becoming a girl for him
>>5793746
>t must be terribly frustrating being a trans-woman who has felt legitimate dysphoria all her life only to transition and not pass. I don't think I could handle a life like that personally.
Hence why the attempted suicide rate for MtFs is 40%.
>>5794872
It's not just that. I know 100% passable ones who still have depression and suicidal tendencies and have to be on ADs all the time
>>5794891
Totally. Even if they do pass, they still have to deal with the trauma of missing out on childhood as their desired gender, dealing with discrimination, worrying about being outed, enduring everlasting insecurities, etc. I imagine it would be a very shitty time, anon.
it's almost like AGP isn't a legitamte theory or taken seriously by anyone in the medical community.
>>5795041
Idk as someone currently confused about their gender, I'll confess to masturbating to the thought of having a womans body, as well as from crossdressing.
That being said correlation does not equal causation, or gender dysphoria and and fetishisation may form a symbiotic relationship in a hormone fueled hyper sexual pubescent/post-pubescent males...
OP PLEASE tell me who that artist is or where you got that from.
it's almost like wew lad isn't a legitamte meme or taken seriously by anyone in the memetic community.
>>5793776
thanks OP, this thread has been inspiring. Im 24 and have been putting off transition for years now for a few reasons:
-im agp and afraid of what that means
-I wont pass
-fear in general
this thread's been very helpful. these fears arent going away but neither are these feelings. i think i might be ready to take the first steps. thanks again OP
>>5795512
You're very welcome anon. I'm glad I could help.
>>5795300
Which one?
>>5789163
Are you actually attracted to men physically, or do you just like being pounded?
>>5789041
Then you're dating the wrong people, anyone who can't get a trans girl hard has no idea what they're doing
>>5795339
Do you have evidence to prove this?
>>5794797
>tfw joan will never give into mommy/daughter roleplaying and take you as her cute awesome daughter
;w;
>>5794533
So are you still together then?
>>5795828
Both, for sure.
>>5794621
How long did you see each other before you told him? How did it go?
Great thread btw. It sounds like you lead a fulfilling life as a woman. I hope to lead a full life as myself so its always inspiring to hear about people like you.
>>5794320
Curious, do you love her?
In what ways?
>>5794533
>She will bring it up for the rest of your life if you try to repress it for her.
Biggest fear for me senpai
>>5799109
I do love her, but I'm realizing now that it's probably because she's the only assertive and dominant woman I've ever been with. I almost always go along with what she says, I do shit for her, the only way I really dominate her is sexually, and even that is pretty much at her behest... When I step back the picture starts to make sense in a terrible way
>>5799142
Similar boat.
My condolences.
Seeing as OP is of similar age to me, I'm just going to post my plight for no reason other than I'm lonely and want to talk it out:
>Had trans signs from a very young age, started crossdressing in secret at age 10, decided something had to be done at 16
>Came out to my mother on my 18th birthday, I went to see a therapist (who was just a pointless waste of money, I really am cynical towards their profession at this point)
>Started self-medding as soon as I had a bank account and debit card, in hindsight, I can't believe I seriously did something through such a shady means
>Age 19, I found an endo who was a real dickbag, but at least he continued filling my scripts
>Age 20, found a really, really good endo who actually specializes in trans patients
>Also started electro/laser on face/body, financed by selling stocks that were purchased for me at birth
>Eventually ran out of that money and stopped
>Everything is thinned and slow to grow, but I have hirsute parents, dark hair, and pale skin
>Now I am 28, soon to be 29.
>Moved out of state last year for a career, making decent money, but still a long way from where I feel I need to be financially
>Pass, but in boymode, just pretend to be androgynous, always nervous about public restrooms and such
>Lean, so my breasts have stalled out at A cups for years
>Musculature converted to female-pattern completely
>Shoulders are a little broader-boned than my liking, the flatter chest doesn't help, it isn't un-feminine, just it limits my style (much as a cis girl with broad shoulders)
>I really should just make the full transition, but I am too scared to at a workplace where everybody knows me
>I don't know why I haven't other than the fact that I am very self-conscious about remaining face/body hair
>I also want some mild FFS (just a trach shave, mostly)
>Pushing 30 has me really depressed, I want to be young and cute and girly
>I'm constantly paranoid about money because I want the money to complete my transition
Cont....
>>5799603
>I wish I could get over the hump and into full-time feminine so I can enjoy my 30s more than my lonely 20s
>Also want the money to spend on normal-people things like a new car, house, travel, non-ikea furniture, clothes, moving back to my home town...
>Finally have friends where I am working, I think they'd be accepting of me as trans, but I don't think I'd ever feel like "one of the girls"
>All I want is to feel included, I hate having to hold back compliments over clothing/hair/accessories when it would seem harrassy coming from a guy
>I'd like to have a significant other (admittedly, with all my money anxieties I'm beginning to question if I just want a combined income...)
>The only people who ever try to start relationships with me are girls who want to bring out some masculine fantasy character in me (like I'm their 3D bishounen character)
>Just thinking of killing myself all the time
>>5799603
>>5799629
You're clearly hurting yourself by continuing to present yourself as a boy out of (from what I can tell from what you've written, unfounded) fears of embarrassing yourself.
You know you've already decided that you need to make this change, I mean you're thinking that being dead is better than being stuck like this for heaven's sake; you really should just pull off the band-aid quickly.
>>5795881
B-but Anon, how could that even be possible; I don't even know your name! What kind of terrible mother would I be to not even now my daughter's name?
Oh, but I do remember you from your posts on /mtfg/, although if you posted with a name then I've not remembered it, sorry. I really didn't catch on to the possibility that you might have been serious (because I'm nothing special, I mean); I hope that my obliviousness didn't come across as an intentional cold shoulder, in any case.
Umm, this is kind of embarrassing to say but, well, if you would actually like to call someone like me mom, well, what kind of terrible mother would I be to reject my own daughter?
>>5799989
It makes me really happy to hear you say that, i-i was the anon who was posting about having a crush on you in mtfg earlier and I'd really like to be your daughter
When you make your Skype tomorrow I'll add you and then tell you my name so you can know it :3
just gonna put this here in case anyone needs a more persistent support for agp >>5800561
>>5799005
>It was at the end of our 5th or 6th date I think. We saw the movie Maleficient (terrible movie by the way, don't see it) and afterwards when we were walking around downtown he mentioned that Angelina Jolie's cheekbones in that movie made her look like a dude.
I had already been really stressing about telling him at this point because we kissed a lot and pretty heavily at the end of our previous date. When I heard him say that I figured I should segue off it and get it over with, like pulling a band-aid off.
It was terribly un-PC but I just blurted out "What if I used to be a dude?"
He just casually said "Well then I would be pretty fucking gay" and then I said "Do you really think that?'
I think it was about this time he figured out I was being serious and just said "Why are you asking this?"
I'm pretty sure after that I told him I was transgender, and asked if he knew what that was.
He said "No you're not." And I said that I definitely was.
Then he said "That's totally fine, I'm totally cool with that, we can still be friends." I thinking to myself "fuuuuuuuuck" because I thought I had just been dumped in the frendliest way possible, but at least he didn't freak out.
He walked me back to wear I locked up my bike (I didn't have a car at the time) then we just awkwardly said goodbye to each other. It was pretty fucking embarrassing.
Two days later, he texted me apologizing saying that he didn't want to just be friends and that he wasn't sure why he said that, he just didn't know what else to say.
On our next date we fucked. We've been together since then.
>>5799603
>>5799629
I'm gonna be honest with you anon, that sounds pretty shitty and I think you should come out of the closet pronto. I also have fears about aging, and I feel a little cheated out of my teens and most of my 20's, but 30's isn't so bad. You still have time to be sexy if that's important to you (It's REALLY fucking important to me).
>>5805494
Not sure why I quoted that first sentence...
>>5805494
is it okay that this story made my heart melt into heart goo
>>5805527
In hindsight I guess it was kind of cute. We talk about it with each other sometimes.
Well I have agp but is kind of different like sometimes I like to act masculine but its usually so girls can like me or in fantasies about impressing girls (sort of blanchard theory that tru trans transition in order to attract straight men), I also like beards (even though I can't grow one) and I would definitely prefer to be an old man with a beard (like a wizard) than an old woman but I also have an idealized image of myself which is definitely more androgynous or girl-like, this one is the one that I have in my mind most of the time or when I'm in a more neutral state, its like depending on the situation my mind would shift and try to attain different looks, that's why I don't know if I should transition or not but I'm 21 already and I need to make this choice, does anybody else has this problem? I would love to look like pic related but I would also like to look like tom hardy in the revenant sometimes, its so weird, I like mostly girls but sometimes I feel attraction to certain guys...
bumping a good thread
>>5806519
>>5810648
Thanks for the bumps! I'm glad to see the thread is still alive.
I'm giving this thread one last bump. If anyone has similar experiences to share, or if you feel like you are in a similar situation and want to ask me questions or advice about deciding to transition go ahead! Otherwise I'll let this thread die.
Its done it's part for me at least. I feel better now than before I made it.
>>5806320
Become girl, grow out hair, learn to braid, wizard-mode whenever you feel like it; best of both worlds.
>>5814783
This is: >>5799603 + >>5799629 again.
I really want to pull that bandage of and get it over with, and I certainly agree I should take the plunge and do it sooner than later. Honestly, I feel that for a long time the largest hurdle that's been holding me back is money. I feel like that, and all my problems could be solved quite easily if I was making around $55K a year instead of $43K.
The single greatest boost to my confidence would come if my face and body hair was done away with. Like I mentioned, I have spent a lot in the past to do electro and laser, and it thinned it significantly, but it's still there. And I hate thinking there might be some dark hairs growing down the center of my chest and in other gross places (why humans must have hair upon their posterior I will never understand or forgive). This all comes down to my genetics. Both my parents are hairy as fuck. I'm constantly stressed about trying to get enough money to resume. But that's a lot. I've given some thought to other methods. But does anyone have experience with epilators or any of that stuff? I usually hear "meh" reviews.
>>5805494
What you said here about feeling sexy is very relevant to me. Without my teens and 20s, I feel very denied. I have felt intense envy as I've seen fashions come and go. Every spring I see cute, breezy skirts and dresses. Every fall I see demure cardigans and boots. It just kills me but I don't have the money to afford a new wardrobe either.
The prospect of aging and not being able to dress and act the way I always wanted is terrifying. I know my attitudes towards age might seem very bad contrary to the popular mores. But being transgendered, I have experienced three decades of body-horror. I don't want to experience another.
>The single greatest boost to..
Do you mind if I ask if you are still on t-blockers or anything at the moment? You mentioned you've had a lot of laser and eloctro done, but unless you are currently on t-blockers the potential of more and new body hairs growing in is very highly likely. I'm seriously not trying to make you nervous or anything though.
>What you said here about feeling sexy is very relevant to me. Without my teens and 20s, I feel very denied. I have felt intense envy as I've seen fashions come and go. Every spring I see cute, breezy skirts and dresses. Every fall I see demure cardigans and boots. It just kills me but I don't have the money to afford a new wardrobe either
Look, I know EXACTLY how you feel. It's a hard thing to put out of your head, but stewing over it now isn't going to help you. If you keep things going the way they are now, your just going to have a longer and longer period of your life to feel cheated out of. I know this for absolute certain.
Coming out of the closet isn't going to be easy. There is no smooth, non-awkward way to do it. You will feel more able to dress the way you want, but don't expect others or even yourself to like the way you look at first. You'll probably get called a faggot by random people for a time. I did.
If it ends up going your way though, and you can pull yourself through the slime and shit over to the other side, It is SO worth it. It was for me at least.
>>5814929
>>5814929
>The prospect of aging and not being able to dress and act the way I always wanted is terrifying. I know my attitudes towards age might seem very bad contrary to the popular mores. But being transgendered, I have experienced three decades of body-horror. I don't want to experience another.
Tell me about it. The one saving grace here however, is that it's something *everyone* has to go through, regardless if you're cis or trans or agp or whatever the fuck. Everyone has to deal with getting older.
If you decide to try living as woman, or if you decide to stay as a man, you will have to deal with growing older.
In my opinion, the experience is slightly worse for women however, since societies ideal age bracket for men is more advanced , and since youthfulness is especially associated with feminine attractiveness.
I'm not sure how to make you feel better about this one anon, since I haven't quite figured out to myself yet. I can and do talk about it with other women my age, and almost all of them have varying degrees of fear and resentment over this. The ones who dwell on it the least seem to be on average more fun and enjoyable people to be around. I try to keep that in mind.
>>5814845
looks kind of lame desu
>>5788347
woah. were there indications that you might be trutrans or anything? i mean... i realize in retrospect i had the inklings of agp (not trutrans) from a pretty young age. i didn't even realize what it was for a very long time, but everything kind of started to ramp up at like 22 or 23, and then hit me hard at 24. it's fucking weird.
can you elaborate more on what the agp felt like to you?
Op if you failed at suicide once, and didn't try again to succeed, that means you're a failure. Can you live with being a failure?
>>5815254
>can you elaborate more on what the agp felt like to you?
Well it was a long time ago, but I guess I can regurgitate the basic feelings I had about it at the time.
I didn't feel like a woman. I didn't feel like I was supposed to have been born a woman or that I had a woman's brain or that I was a woman trapped in a man's bod.
I felt like a very lonely, unhappy, and desperate guy. And horny. Extremely horny. I must have jerked off 3-4 times a day and a large majority of that was to traps futa and trans porn. I had had a couple of girlfriends in the past
I never had any problems being a guy or acting like a guy. It wasn't really something I ever thought about all until I started finding pictures of trans women and traps and junk on the internet.
Don't misunderstand me anon, I most definitely feel like a woman now, but all of my, I don't know how to put it... "female -ish" thoughts gradually came to me throughout my transition. It only began happening after years and years of taking female hormones and being treated and approached as a woman and socializing with others as a woman, etc.
Does that answer your question anon?
>>5815394
sure!
>>5806320
>I would definitely prefer to be an old man with a beard (like a wizard) than an old woman
Man, I've never thought about it. Now I'm kinda looking forward to being a bald old man with a huge white beard.
>>5815444
Mostly, yeah. Follow-up: your agp mostly manifested in looking at trap porn and stuff? Did you ever masturbate without it, to stuff like imagining you were a girl? you were into girls before transitioning? you were a "good candidate" for transitioning because you passed before surgery?
>>5815482
>Did you ever masturbate without it, to stuff like imagining you were a girl? you were into girls before transitioning?
Yes, I masturbated to imagining myself as a girl, imagining myself as a trap, and imagining myself as a woman with a dick having sex with other girls. I think a couple of times I got off to imagining myself as a trap having sex with men, but that usually wasn't my jam. I was pretty much exclusively attracted to feminine traits.
I have had sex with a few women since transitioning, and it was pretty nice I guess, not nearly as insanely hot as I imagined it being pre-transition though. I genuinely enjoy being fucked hard in the ass by guys now, though it took me a while to acquire that taste.
>you were into girls before transitioning? you were a "good candidate" for transitioning because you passed before surgery?
I passed for the most part before I had surgery, but it took years of HRT before I even got to that point. Unless you flat out just look more like a woman than a man before hormones, you are going to get clocked. You are going to have to put up with people staring at you and saying rude shit and not taking you seriously It may last a couple years, or it may last the rest of your life depending on how well your transition goes.
The fantasy meme of a guy putting on make-up and a garter belt and then going out to flawlessly pass and have men gawk at them is really only something you see in anime or drawn porn. It might happen in real life too, but so extremely rarely that it might as well just be in fiction.
If you are wondering as to whether or not you would be a "good candidate" for transitioning yourself, I don't think anyone on 4chan is going to be able to answer that for you. In my opinion, you are only going to figure it out by diving right in and mentally preparing and conditioning yourself for the worst possible outcome.
That's how I did it at least.
>>5815444
I think I'm in the same boat as you were OP. I don't think i have the trutrans mentality, but i constantly have a quote from Synecdoch, New York rattling around in my head
'Sometimes i wonder what id be like if i was a woman... I think i would've been better at it'
I doubt I'll ever transition, I'm just mentally well enough to understand that i go through phases of obsessiveness and this will more than likely pass, but i still can't help wondering about what my life would be like if i did, bit the bullet and do as you did...
I keep going back to the transition timelines posted in the mtfg, and seeing the depressed, dumpy guys transform into beautiful, happy women... idk, its a hard feeling to describe...
At the same time though, i understand that i am reducing their struggle and invalidating their experience by viewing transition in such a one-dimensional way...
I guess I dont really have a question, sorry about that, it's just nice to spew your insecurities every once in a while...
>>5815999
*Synecdoche
also sorry for the shitty formatting, i'm typing this on a phone
>>5815444
Sounds like you describe a basic trans experience, at the "agp" was just the way your mind expressed suppressed feelings. The whole idea of transwomen litteraly feeling like women trapped in men's bodies is a misleading oversimplification, and is spread mostly because transgirls fear not being accepted as "real" unless they adhere to it. The actual experience of most women seems to align more with what you describe.
AGP is a terrible, unscientific and largely rejected theory. What people on this site call AGP-fetishism is more often than not just people being honest about how wierd, confusing and inconsistent gender dysphoria can be, and the sexual expressions it can take.
>>5816234
what you refer to as AGP is actually blanchard's typology
>>5788962
it's a form of harassment, nothing less.
>>5794320
Good luck!!!!
>They always complained that I wasn't there, but the sex was good enough that they stuck around.
Sounds like me. I sexually always did to my partners what I wanted done to me, despite not having the equipment. I got a reputation of being a real ladies man who knew how to treat women right in bed.
>>5816234
Wow! so I may have been trans all along? That actually makes me feel pretty good.
>>5815999
>I doubt I'll ever transition, I'm just mentally well enough to understand that i go through phases of obsessiveness and this will more than likely pass
Mind if I ask you how long you've been currently thinking about it?
Of course there is always a chance it might pass but it also might not. If the feeling persisted for long enough, do you think you reconsider transition?
>>5818120
Well i've been thinking this heavily about it only recently, in the past few months or so, but i think it may have been something that was in the back of my mind for a long time, as I've always been particuarly curious about trans people and my few interactions with them or with trans issues I can remember very clearly even though some were over a decade ago, so maybe it has been on a subconscious level somewhere for a while...
As to transition, if I have a sudden revelation about my identity that cerments my desire to transition, or if these feelings persist into my early 20s (I'm currently only 18) then I absolutely would begin transition, it's the uncertainty that's stopping me.
I think it was someone in this thread that said earlier that they feel like they missed out on a lot of their life because of the delay to transition, and that really resonated with me, even though I'm still pretty sure this will go away and I'll move onto some other idea...
>>5818262
uhhh just gonna be straight with you here, at 18 this was all fairly back in my mind, and it only got worse and worse. at 22 i was thinking, "oh i could never do that, it would never work. i'll just deal with it, get a gf and it will go away. well it didn't go away. it took me until almost 25 and now i'm going to be a hon and it's just fucked.
i'm not trying to push anything on you, not at all, but if really your only reason is that you think it will just go away, i would strongly urge you to reconsider. puberty is not over at 18 and there's a whole new world of masculinization that occurs in your early 20s.
>>5818779
Yeah I've been thinking of maybe just getting on t blockers until i make up my mind to try and slow development, Thing is I'm already 6'3' and 95 kg with a very masculine frame so i dont know how much help it will be...
Thanks for the replies, It seems like I've got a lot to think about...
>>5818809
admittedly i am not as bad at 6'1 but still. i don't know how far i am going to take things, but 2 b h i'm not regretting starting the hormones. nothing says that you have to transition if you start. nothing says that you even have to continue taking them if you start. now i really don't want to sound as though i'm pushing you into anything, but i see pictures of myself at 18 and........
>>5818809
>>5818877
I flip-flopped consantly between whether I should transition or not. It was driving me insane. Eventually I decided I needed to get on hormones at the very least, I knew I could stop anytime I wanted and at least I would have tried it.
In the almost 3 months since then I've spent like a grand total of 3 hours doubting myself compared to doubting about 50% of the time before HRT. I almost always feel like I'm doing what I need to. Not saying it'll happen that way for you, but actually taking steps for transition can help confirm whether or not it is right for you.
this thread is crazy to read. just came to /lgbt/ for the first time. have been feeling this all my life.
18 now. have had AGP ever since I can remember. but, I have no desire to transition. my main worry is that I won't be able to live a normal life. i am attracted to women, but vaginas are completely non-arousing. i really don't want to be gay. i don't know what to do.
>>5794320
Update... She took time off to go to visit her sister. Except she didn't do that, she flew down to visit a friend in Florida. Just told me today that she fucked someone while she was down there.
I'm such a jealous person... I thought this was going to happen though and I feel like I've brought it on myself. She says it meant nothing to her and she regrets it and realized how much she just wanted to be with me afterward, but for me I don't know if I'll ever be able to lie with her or kiss her again without thinking about it, imagining her luring someone else back to bed. Fucking what to do.
She says we're soulmates and we belong together, I feel like if I stay with her I'll just be a total cuck, if I was shaky about my masculinity before, this is throwing it right off the rails. Fucking cheaters I hate people who cheat.
Want to just say "pack your shit and leave" but I don't know if I have any strength left inside to do it.
Fuck this
>>5821554
Sounds like she used your confession as an excuse for herself to go and do that.
I hate cheaters too, I can't ever believe cheaters love the person they betray. If she said you're soulmates after cheating its probably to make you feel bad for her. I'd have her shit ready to go, but its your life. Whatever you do, good luck. I'm sure you'll need it.
>>5821554
Sounds like the excuse to do what you need to do, anon. If transition is really what you want, and I think it must be considering how sad you sound from:
>I just looked so beautiful and natural, and I found myself looking in the mirror and the girl looking back at me was on the verge of tears, she didn't want to just get forgotten for the rest of our lives.
then now is the time.
Also, it was a deliberate, planned act to cheat on you. It would be one thing if it were something she did immediately after you told her, but you can only be hot-headed for so long. There was some desire to have sex with someone else, not just to get back at you.
I'm 16 and I'm afraid I have that agp thing. Always kinda had a wish I looked more girly (it kinda started some years ago but that's a long af story) Now I'm 16 years old and get aroused looking at traps and shemales. Now I want to look more feminine tho, but still want to be a guy. But then again, I want to look masculine sometimes too.
My situation is like this, I want to sometimes look normal/average masculine and sometimes be able to pass as a fem/androgynous guy but still be able to get girls.
Maybe my hormones are just going crazy because I never had a gf and this shit is gonna settle down when I get a gf, I fucking hate feeling like this....(btw when i have a crush on a girl I almost completely stop having these feelings)
I'm not on this board much and I think some people here are better experts than me
(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)
>>5822083
Well, most people will tell you it doesn't stop when you get a girlfriend, and in fact, that it only gets worse from the envy caused by having a naked girl close to you so frequently and intimately. But there are some that have had the feelings subside completely during the relationship, but then the feelings come back when it's over.
Given how young you are and your possibility of passing at that age, you should consider taking androgen blockers until you are completely sure about what you want to do with your life and what you want to be. You could talk to a doctor or therapist with no judgments to see if they might prescribe them for you.
>>5822143
The thing that is really confusing is that I can see myself in my late 20s/early 30s and beyond as a guy. But like, I'd like to be able to pull the whole femguy/androgynous thing while I'm still young (late teens and maybe early 20s)
>>5822248
So you can only imagine yourself as a man in the future? Or can you also imagine yourself as a woman?
I don't know, when I was coming out of my denial, towards the end, I wanted to do the whole feminine guy thing too. Yet I wasn't in that stage long before I accepted that I was trans. But, there are some guys on /pol/, as an example, that say they used to trap or be a bit feminine when they were young enough to pull it off that say they're now normal guys in relationships and lift weights. So it may be something you get out of your system in your youth.
Whichever it is, I think moving towards becoming a femboy, since that's what you want, is the fastest way of figuring out what you are.
>>5821554
it's time my lad. that relationship is over, straight up. you are free now. get the divorce. i'm serious.
>>5788347
Is the reason you started really that important? The question should always be if you feel comfortable, truthful to yourself and happy?
Like, who cares how you got into it? If you knew it the real you, if you wanted to try something different, if you wanted to see how it felt, what difference does any of that make?
I am happy it turned out great for you, but don't hold any regrets about it, or feel like you had poor reasoning.
also
> it's possible you attempted to masquerade it as a fetish back then, because it was easier to admit that than being actually trans
food for thought
>>5823991
but how could you just be unaware of it in other contexts than a fetish while also suppressing it into a fetish box?
>>5824072
Can you rephrase that? I have no idea what you're trying to say
>>5824189
(presumably "it" means some variant of "gender dysphoria")
how could you have gender dysphoria without being aware of it in any other context than a fetish, if the implication is that it manifested as a fetish and that you were somehow repressing it?
>>5824495
>>5824072
It's pretty self explanitory, you kind of answered it yourself;
The dysphoria is always there, but they supress it mentally, only expressing it sexually, and relegating it as simply fetishistic, thus allowing them to write off any other feelings of dysphoria as bi-products of the fetish
To be completely honest, I don't get why people consider AGP to be a bad thing. When I transitioned, I was always excited to watch my body change - and every time I got slimmer, or got cuter clothes, I'd look at myself in the mirror, I'd admire myself, and I'd find myself very sexually attractive.
I mean, is it really that strange to imagine that I really like my own body and that I fap to my own physical attractiveness? What are you supposed to do when you start getting boobs and buying sexy lingerie?
>>5822378
I don't even know what I want in life anymore desu
But I'm pretty sure that I don't want a vagina. I'll probably make a thread for a better explanation for my situation
>>5824696
the idea is that AGP is a disqualifier because you would lose your sex drive and then be sad you now look woman-ish
plus trannies have an extreme aversion to being called fetishists by people who hate them either way, so they claim AGP doesn't exist
>>5788347
>failed suicide attempt
Bumping with a blog post...
I was just channel surfing and came across a documentary about trans kids... This one 14 year old mtf was crying because the thought of being unable to concieve a child as a female was so disheartening...
Now i feel like shit, my mentally ill ass is latching on to the struggles of these people simply because i cant form an identity myself...
The worst part is that only makes me want to transition more, to hope that, like op it turns out i was trutrans all along <3~~
I think ill try getting my prozac prescription upped first...
>>5829620
>This one 14 year old mtf
>envy intensifies
That's quite a story, OP.
>>5829648
Im not even jealous of the age she transitioned, i just wish i was either trutrans or straight and not this disgusting pervert who seeks validation by latching onto others struggles...
>>5834513
I probably don't feel the same way you do because I'm confident that I am MtF. I wish that I tried transitioning sooner instead of thinking I was immoral and that I would become "normal" eventually. I don't know what it was that I was missing that these girls had. Intelligence, insight, courage, self-love, friends, something else?
>>5829620
>prozac
it's shit, get some new stuff like Venlafaxine that works better and with less side effects
>>5835443
Idk man i just take what the psych gives me, i cant even talk about my issues with him, i need to like just hope he stumbles upon them...
>>5837784
>implying most psychs have realized the connection between patients who present with generalized anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, depression, and/or other mental illnesses who don't seem to have good reason to and gender dysphoria
These niggas are in the dark.
>>5837866
So i should just say something, but im unable to say anything...
I think ill try leading by talking about confusion about identity, and how ive never reallyy associated with my name or image in the mirror, will that be enough for them to make the jump?
>>5837965
I think that would lead him toward depersonalization disorder, instead of directly to gender issues.
>>5818779
how did it get worse ?
like what were the stages from you at 18 to you in your mid 20s
>>5838035
Fuck...
Why am I such a beta that can't I talk to the person I pay to talk to me :'(
>>5838105
Write it down on paper and tape the paper to the check or cash.
Alternatively, even if he does jump to depersonalization disorder, if he's worth his salt, he'll ask you why you never felt attached to your reflection or name, and that will be when you bring up your gender issue.
>>5788347
>>5788351
>>5788358
honestly i really needed to read this, thank you op. I sorta started for similar reasons. when i was in middle school a lot of my gender confusion came out of the fact that i was turned on by all the sissy stuff. but eventually, as I learned to be more honest with myself, It became less of a sexual thing. By the time I was 18 I was just depressed all the time over my gender and constantly wanted to just wake up as a normal girl but I always felt so guilty because this all just started as a fetish when i was a little kid. I felt like I didn't deserve to be a part of the trans community because I was into all the sissy stuff. Maybe I don't, who knows. But I started hormones and came out and all that stuff and things have been much better. I guess its just really reaffirming to hear someone else went through something sorta similar. I have a theory for why I got into this stuff before anything else. I'm probably wrong but I think it was a lot harder to control and repress my sexuality than it was to repress the thoughts of wanting to be a girl in everyday life. Maybe all this gender confusion would've come out no matter what and it just happened to first appear in the form of a feminization fetish. Regardless of why or how it happened, its kind of upsetting that sooo many trans people in the community hate people like me. It would've been really nice to have someone else there to tell me that no matter how your gender identity issues manifest, they're still real
>>5838071
around 18 or so, i just had sort of vague agp. in the sense that i would masturbate to...sort of detached female body parts, and then to kind of imagining myself as having them. at that point i didn't really think about it much, it just didn't cross my mind. and then it just kind of ramped up over time. if you'd like to know more, i've written about it before http://pastebin.com/jm4sTUif
>>5794862
Don't let your dreams be dreams.
>>5843293
I think my hair is starting to recede, although I'm only 19.
It really scares me.
I'm trying to just ignore it though even though I know it won't go away and I'm basically just digging my own grave.
Not really sure what else to do. Not doing anything will make me sad and I'll want to kill myself. Telling someone isn't an option because I don't want people to think I'm a fag.
>>5844121
if you do nothing else, get on finasteride. if you are even in this thread you will not like to go bald. plenty of men take finasteride and have no gender issues.
if you don't get a prescription, you can order it from the usual sites for not much money
>>5794862
I'm in exactly same situation. On other hand sometimes I feel it's my internalized homophobia talking, not letting me imagine being in romantic sitiations with a dude as a hairy bearded man.
>>5844121
My hair started receding at 19 too. I had a panic attack when I finally realized all those loose hairs I was seeing on my desk were my own. At that point, I was sure I had to do something since you have a limited time window where HRT will get your hair back. Took me a year to actually start, but from what I can tell 6 months in, I have most of my hairline back.
Bumping.
>>5829620
This faggot back again. I'm going to see my thherapist tomorrow and try and figure out whats wrong with me if i dont pussy out.
Also gotta go see my gp and get on propecia fast as my hairlinies receeding fast. Will report back, either with some insight into the relationship between agp/crossdressing/sissy fetish with gender dysphoria, or a formal diagnosis of some variety of personality disorders...
Hopefully both
>>5849263
K....KEEP ME POSTED
>>5844121
>tfw people were already telling you you are going to get bald at the age of 16
>tfw it got even worse later
>>5850203
>tfw you got on AA's at the age of 19
>tfw it got better and many males your age have it worse then you now
>>5850785
But you ARE a mentally ill faggot.
You're just going to have to wear your faggotry on your sleeves.
You'll do this and then realize most people either don't give a shit about you or they'll silently judge you so quietly you won't realize it.
I get it though, transitioning is a humiliatingly public thing. If you could hide out for 2-3 years while you did it, would you?
>>5850812
Probably but I wouldn't want to come out of hiding. I'd hate to have awkward conversations with people about how I changed, etc.
I just hate doing things in front of people or visibly because I don't want to be judged.
I can't shoot in front of people, I only shoot on private land with no one else around.
I can't practice something (instrument or whatever) with people around because I'm too scared.
>>5852584
>can't practice instrument
me too :( took that contraption on tour and now it just gathers dust in the corner...
>>5794862
Listen here, faggot, and listen well:
>In two years, I better hear you two started dating in 2017 and that you do your best to please him every day.
>In the three years following that, I better hear you two got married and are buying a house together.
>The year after that, you better tell me you're getting a womb transplant, and after that, he's going to knock you up with 5 kids and you plan to be the best mother you can be.
>Eight years after that, you make sure each of those kids are happy and healthy, and you go ahead and tell me that. Tell me how the family's doing every time one of the kids moves up to a new level of education (middle school->high school->college->maybe even grad school). Go out with the family on vacations, and take lots of photos and videos of the kids and your husband and yourself. You'll want to make a record of every happy memory you have together, because you'll find you love looking through your gigabytes, even terabytes, of your children growing and changing over the years and look back on the past fondly when you're an old woman. I don't need to tell you to stay faithful to your husband, and to keep him happy, you know well enough and shouldn't need to be told that.
>When your youngest child is 21, then I give you permission to stop updating if you don't want to.
Got it? You understand your goals in life now? Whatever else you've got on your plate, make sure you do this. I don't want to hear that you don't know what you're doing and you're lost in life now that I've given you a life plan. Make sure you screencap this or keep it as a .txt file on every device you've got. Don't ever forget. Don't disappoint, anon.
bamp
