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So I'll just lay my situation out. I just can never seem to be "happy"

I've always saw myself as liking girls all my life all the way down to the first crush on the playground. But due to my life I bounced around a lot growing up with divorced parents who lived in different states, but they made it work they best they could. I just never can let myself get close to anyone it seems. My childhood best friends I rejected saying I couldn't play with them when they sought out my house cause they saw me at school, but my brother let them in anyways saying we weren't doing anything and they ended up being good childhood friends.

Then into puberty, I was always uncomfortable around any type of sexual talk and tried to avoid it. Also got annoyed with classmates saying they've done all this shit and they were clearly virgins. We all were. So it all just seem dumb and uncomfortable.

My first remembered masturbatory was with a vacuum because I saw it in a movie or something and was like "I can put that on my dick?" I could liken the experience to a seizure, but pleasurable enough to keep pulling me back. I couldn't wait to wash the patents car because I could let the vaccume suck me off in the backseat of the car. So this was probably 7th-8th grade. Then I discovered lotion and that was it. Looking at brothers porn mags and vids and then I was lucky enough to grow up right when the internet was booming.

All through highschool I always had those crushes but was too shy, insecure to make any moves so I was left in silence. One girl who would be my first girlfriend years later after college we sat in a theater and rubbed legs and it was pretty awesome it turned me on, but I was paralyzed outside that. (1/2)