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Anonymous
just a mtf rant, don't feel the need to reply
2016-01-14 22:55:18 Post No. 5549145
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just a mtf rant, don't feel the need to reply
Anonymous
2016-01-14 22:55:18
Post No. 5549145
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Long post, but I have to rant somewhere right now.
I've had dysphoria for over two years, I could go to my Dr, but I'm not.
I'm scared I'm not who I was when I was I kid, who I thought I was the past two years, and who the fuck I'm going to be in the future. I'm genuinely terrified of where I'm heading, or who I'll be
Finding the dysphoria. Browsing /lgbt/, see a mtf timeline thread, seeing this girl, after like 2 and a half years.
And I fucking cried. Non stop, for ages and ages, and posted emotional, almost nonsensical things, like how she " had come to a place filled with hate, and came out smiling". And now I look, and I realise my dysphoria has dissipated, faded down. I feel empty most of the time, but when it kicks in, as rare as it is, it kicks hard! I feel destroyed by the smallest things, but the major stuff, like being bullied for it, just doesn't hurt. But being called "boy" by my dad causes me to uncontrollably break down.
I don't know if I want to be a woman, but I know I don't want to be a man. And as much as I hate it, it could just be a really long phase I'm going through, but I dread the thought.
I feel dirty, when I wear boxers, and spray lynx, get changed with the boys, or wear masculine clothes. I feel wrong with a deep voice, or broadening shoulders, and yet when I dress more feminine, I feel like i shouldn't be doing so. Granted this may be due to the clothes being stolen, or sometimes the wrong size, but I feel it shouldn't be like this.
Maybe I'm literally just like my dad, go through a phase, and become an old man, with a simple family. Or maybe I'll just hang myself to make the fucking emptiness and pain go away. I tried to kill myself once, as you can see I failed. No one properly knows this, and probably never will.
I feel sick, not ill as such, but sickened by the thought of my self, and being me forever. But I know I should be grateful for all that I have, I have such a great life compared to some. I'm just being greedy now.
