mtf here
How did you girls get though the first appointment? I keep thinking about what I might say wrong, how the therapist may be judging me, and if everything will go alright or terribly wrong. Just wanted to hear some other peoples thoughts.
>>5507995
My first appointment was basically me just completely breaking down and crying. Managed to answer a few yes or no questions but that was about it. Second visit was much better though, apologized for the first one and we were able to talk a little about stuff.
What is the best way of doing this?
Do you mark an appointment with a "random" psychiatrist, or is there a an usual way to check if the professional can deal with such cases before making an appointment?
>>5507995
My therapist was warm and accommodating… She offered me tea and practiced out of her home.
I was super awkward and she knew it. She could tell I was guarded and uncomfortable.
She knew that my dysphoria was interlinked with OCD and general anxiety disorder before I even mentioned going to therapy for these things in the past.
Kind of wooish though. Her house was full of tribal masks.
>>5508039
I'm a massively anxious person, I never talk about how I feel even to people that I know(family, close friends etc.). It just feels so strange to open up to a complete stranger.
>>5507995
I've had 2 separate therapists, one was a youth-specific place that I emailed (because I'm too fucking awkward/anxious to call), they hooked me up with a gender specialist.
The other was a university one that again, I emailed. This one was a psychology professor, so I thought she'd be good.
I can't advocate for the positive effects, the first guy basically thought everything wrong with me was due to gender dysphoria, the other flat out said she couldn't help me.
>>5507995
Well this was related to my depression, but I guess I'll still tell the story.
>be me like a year ago
>go to therapist
>she asks some general questions
>fill out a form or some shit like that
>begin talking about school
>end out in a debate about the education system
>literally nothing else for the entire session
>money well spent
>>5508328
damn anon, how much did this deeply enriching experience cost?
>>5508454
Sorry I don't remember anymore
>>5508049
It's not that I'm worried about saying something wrong per se, idk, I've never really exposed these thoughts to another person in my personal life, how do I go about it with a stranger in a foreign place, but I know this is what I want to so its time I went throught with it.
>>5508125
every therapist and all but one psychologist i've seen have been wooish. the psychiatrists i've seen were just so arrogant and didn't listen to me, just went through the motions and gave their own opinions.
mental healthcare a shit.
>>5508096
Not sure where you are but in the US and Canada you can go to the Psychology Today website and use their search area to find someone in your area, who takes your insurance and specializes in sexuality-oriented issues.
As for how to handle your sessions, this worked for me:
1 - Go in with a list of goals you want to reach.
2 - Have a time line as to when you want to meet your goals.
3 - Share both with counselor. Be prepared to change them somewhat but make sure *you* are satisfied with the goals and timelines.
4- Use the list to guide your sessions. Speak up if you feel you aren't being driven to meet your goals. There may be a legitimate reason for this but make your counselor explain it to you.
5 - Every few months look at your lists and see if you are on track, If not, address it with your counselor. You may need to adjust your goals/time line but only do it when you are satisfied doing so is the right thing.
I wasted time with three counselors until I did this. They saw me as billable hours, not a patient.The 4th counselor was impressed with this method and we worked well to accomplish my goals.
>>5508738
Seems useless then. You're throwing thousands of dollars away for what's at best a secretary.
>>5507995
My psychiatrist was a straight-acting, cis gay man, so that was probably why he was relatively chill about it (I think he was also a neuroscientist).
I told him by email before making the appointment because I wasn't 100% he treated trans patients.
At the appointment:
>I told him I was already taking hormones I bought online
>I told him I talk with other people like myself online (you guys, of course)
>He asked about allergies and standard stuff you would give any doctor.
>He asked if I was religious, after some hesitation I answered no.
>He asked if I had siblings, I said two. He asked me if they were boys or girls. I said both were boys. Then he asked if I was the eldest, which I am. I wonder why he asked about birth order.
>He asked me if I had family history of mental illness. I told him my aunt has schizophrenia. He seemed interested in that and thought there was more there.
>He asked me if I had weight loss or changes in eating pattern. I answered no since the only weight loss I had was intentional.
>He asked me if I had thought about suicide, and if I had taken steps towards committing one. I said yes, but showed him my arms to tell him that I didn't self-harm. I started planning out my suicide on December 28, 2014, which was coincidentally the same day Leelah Alcorn killed herself. Obviously I didn't go through with it.
>He asked me if I had sleeping issues. The only one I had was from spiro waking me up, but I thought he was including medication, so I answered yes.
>He asked me if someone should feel shame for being a man or a woman (I think he was asking to see if I was a man with low self-esteem who thought living as a woman would be better). I said no one has any reason to be ashamed of whatever gender they are.
>He asked me if I felt shame over being trans, and I said that I had, but had also worked through it.
>>5507995
>>5509349
>I think he also asked if I thought someone could "become a man or a woman" without elaborating what he meant. I answered, "No, you are born thinking of yourself as a man or a woman."
>He might have asked another one or two questions I didn't understand or that I can't remember.
>He asked if I had accepting family or friends for support, and I told him no.
>He asked me if I had had any lovers, male or female, and was shocked when I said I hadn't. He even asked, "None?!" I told him it was because I was too self-conscious about my male body. At that, I think I might have seen something like pity on his face.
>He offered me sleeping medication or anti-depressants, but I turned him down because of the shit you hear about them and the fact my depression and all are caused primarily by an incongruity in my sex and gender which I am already getting help with.
>Got a GID diagnosis and referral to an endocrinologist in the very same appointment. Which makes sense to me. No need to verify further for something I can clearly already handle, it's not really a step up from where I already am in the irreversibility of transition.
>As he wrote it, he told me I would have to educate my parents about it. That was the plan already.
I was not stressed at all, a bit bothered that I told someone I felt more like a woman, with my honly face. (What can you do, senpai?) I was actually surprised during the appointment by how relaxed I was.
In the time since, I came out to my brother. I was going to come out to my parents on Tuesday, but I woke up too late to speak to my father before he left for work. Now I'm waiting for Monday, which is my mother's next day off.
>>5509005
Not at all. It's being part of the deal, not being lead around by someone whose only interest is billable hours. You MUST be part of the process to make it work.
>>5509349
I'm not trans (or thinking about it) but a lot of those questions are what my counselor asked. I think it's just good background info to get.
I chickened out of my first appointment. I drove all the way there and sat in my car for five minutes before driving off. I couldn't even make myself shut the car off.
He said it was okay and that a lot of people are anxious about their first time, but I still haven't e-mailed back to set up another appointment. I don't know if I can do it. I've never talked to anyone in person about anything, much less this. I don't want it to happen again. how do I make myself go in?
>>5510822
Easy, take away the choice. It's probably not healthy but it works for me. It doesn't matter whether you want to, it doesn't matter whether you can - because it's fucking happening and you're going to do it. You will email and set up the appointment. You will attend that appointment. You will take control of this situation whether you like it or not.
>>5510890
o-okay
>>5508125
>>5508631
The first psychologist I went to wasn't a woo at all. Pretty relaxed, just like the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist was also not arrogant. The counselor my university assigned me (the only reason I went to see was because I thought he was replacing my academic counselor) is pretty warm and woo-ish. He has tribal masks as well and cultural items from Africa, but he's black, so it's not as bad.
>>5509404
He also asked me what I wanted from him at the beginning of the appointment. I said a diagnosis of gender issues and either him writing me an HRT prescription or writing me a referral to an endocrinologist.
>>5510822
I'm >>5509349 & >>5509370. I just think of it as not being anything to be ashamed of. Everyone has their own issues, I'm just dealing with mine. There's nothing wrong with how I deal with this one beyond someone's useless value judgments.
I was actually very eager to go see the psychiatrist. He asked me if I was open for an appointment for the very next day after I emailed him but I had already agreed to meet up with my classmates for an economics project the day he suggested. So I was in agony that I had would be unable to go to the psychiatrist because of this project. My classmates actually decided to leave early from the group, so I was free to handle my business with the psych. In the end, I didn't hand in my part of the group project, but I got an A+ for the class anyway, probably thanks to all that sweet, sweet extra credit on the exams. Don't know what my classmates got. It didn't seem they were bothered when I asked them what grade they would like to get on the assignment when we met together.
I wasn't quite like that when I first went to a psychologist though.
>>5510822
>>5511827
>I was in 12th grade, attending a parent-teacher conference with my dad. We were speaking to my Spanish teachers, and they talked about friends and classmates or something. I have a habit of pushing everyone away, and in my mind, I have no friends, just acquaintances who want to be my friends. Anyway, as I responded, "I have no friends" after being asked something, I ended up sounding and looking like I was about to bawl. I was confused by that emotional outburst even as I was saying it, because I honestly didn't feel that feeling was my own. The embarrassment I felt after that was genuinely mine, though. I gave the impression of thinking "No one wants to be my friend and I'm sad" instead of "I don't have any friends and that's okay." The male Spanish teacher (who I respect) told my father he should take me down to see the counselor before we left to see if she could make any recommendations to mental health providers. She referred us to the local medical school's mental health division. That's the preface to my meeting with a psychologist for the first time.
>When we got there, my parents and I were directed to the children's floor. I filled out some forms, one of them had the same general questions the psychiatrist asked me, about suicide, depression, drugs, etc. I had already thought about suicide many times by that point (not taken any steps towards it by that point though). But I had told my father I never thought about suicide every time he asked me if I did, so I lied on the form since he was next to me.
>To be honest, I didn't even know why I was going, like I said, the emotional outburst wasn't something I associated with what I feel (and I still don't). I was mainly interested in something like an IQ test. He said he didn't believe in IQ, so that never happened. Regardless, I did end up looking forward to my appointments with the psychologist.
>My parents and I told him about the way I live my life on that first appointment. He described it as living a small life in a small box in that appointment and after. Even though the three of them were telling me this or agreeing with what was being said, it didn't bother me because a "larger life" didn't interest me.
>We mainly talked shit about occupations I could consider because I had no idea which college to apply to, that was my parents' main concern as time to apply was winding down, and when he asked me if I wanted help becoming more social, I declined.
>We never really talked about what caused me to start seeing him to begin with, but we did talk about my solitude a bit. But I don't think I ever gave the impression it bothered me.
>A number of appointments into my relationship with the psychologist, dysphoria was starting to weigh heavily on my mind again (my flamboyantly gay classmate coming out as trans, which may have happened before or after I started seeing the psychologist, may have added onto it).
>I didn't tell him because 1) despite the door to his office being solid and about as thick as a PC game's box, maybe thicker, there was a large gap under it, so you could hear the other side easily, and 2) my father asked me after every appointment what I was telling my psychologist. In my chronically-paranoid mind, this meant my father somehow knew either by bugging my bookbag or the psychologist feeding my father info so that he could see if I would lie to him. This was despite my father not being good with technology or underhanded. Therefore, I would never tell the psychologist about my desire to be a girl.
Therapy helps me a lot.
Probably saved my life.
>>5510822
>>5511827
>>5511843
>>5511848
>That's what I appreciated about the therapist my university recently assigned me (I didn't ask for him), he made clear within a few minutes of meeting me that even if a family member asked what I was telling him, he would not say. Even though it didn't matter by that point and I probably won't ever tell him I'm trans in a therapist and patient sense, and if I never pass, not at all.
>I stopped seeing the psychologist after a while because I felt I was disappointing him since I wasn't meeting the goalposts we discussed.
>I fell further into depression and by graduation, I thought suicide would be the sure end of my life in the near-future.
So yeah, you can improve too, anon.
>>5511855
I love love love hearing people say stuff like this! Hope you keep healing and growing happily. :)
>>5511827
>I just think of it as not being anything to be ashamed of
I'm not sure if it's because I'm ashamed. I don't know. I'm very avoidant in general. I've always had trouble approaching people anyway, and appointments and meetings always make me nervous. This one was important, so I couldn't handle it. I haven't even left the house since.
I just wish I could calm down beforehand, because I know it's what I want and nothing bad can really come out of it.
Had my first therapy session yesterday. Went well and I was pretty open as I could be for something like this with a stranger, I've dealt with my heavy social anxiety issues and need for peoples approval on own so I was kind of at ease. Looking forward to going back.
Something I noticed though is after this dysphoria is kicking my ass. It was little, hating my body every now and then. Now my anxiety is all over the place and it's on my mind constantly. Any mtf get the same feeling?
