My Christmas was shit. I didn't expect it to be good, but I didn't expect it to be as bad as it turned out. I sulked all day, occasionally striking up conversation with my father to try to distract myself. Now I'm drinking, hoping it'll make me feel better. Here's what happened:
I had a dream about my ex-boyfriend on the night of Christmas eve. It was non-sensical dream with a completely fantastical scenario, but there was a part where I dreamed about him: I saw him on a webpage, where there were fairly standard profile pics of him, followed by some more suggestive ones where he was in a gimp suit and describing how great it felt now that he'd found a 'master' to fulfill him sexually.
I woke up feeling incredibly sad and hurt. I masturbated pathetically to the dream-images and the dream-scenario, but almost cried upon climaxing. I don't know if he's actually found someone now, but the thought of him being with another person or even engaging in sexual relations (even in a nonsensical dream) made me feel awful. I wanted (and still do) to be the only one for him, and he for me.
I had thought that - perhaps for Christmas - he'd contact me. But he didn't. It's going to be a year soon, since he ended our relationship. But I feel just as sad and miserable as though it had happened a few days ago. I miss him, and would like nothing more than to be with him again.
I legitimately feel like killing myself for want of his love again. It doesn't get better. Not once has it gotten better. And I know he'll never want to be with me again.
God, it hurts so bad. It's like... well, it feels like a wound in my 'being', somewhere abstract, but it hurts. The wound has never gone away, since the day he left me, but today, after that shitty dream, it flared up again.
Just drink a lot. It's pretty great.
>>5448981
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJscrxxl_Bg
Anon, just slut it up. According to faggots that solves all of your problems. You know, mask the pain till you don't know you hurt anymore. I'm happy and only know that I am sad. I can't feel it anymore, but I know that it is there.
>>5448981
You care too much about him
Let him go. Start building walls in your heart, then start talking to other people again. Once you find someone good, let yourself be vulnerable. Not until then. Good luck, good night.
Live for yourself. The only time to live for someone else is when they make you feel better than you can do on your own.
This guy is clearly making you feel like shit, so he's not worth it.
>>5449004
>>5449008
How do I just stop caring?
Because to be completely honest, a part of me doesn't want to stop caring about him.
>>5449042
That's the part you need to kill with drugs, alcohol, anonymous sex, Coltraine, charity work, religion, obsessive hobbies or yoga.
>>5449055
I can't kill it with drugs, or with religion.
I drink heavily, usually every other weekend. I drink myself to oblivion, to the point I end up falling down on the floor of my room. But it doesn't make me forget him: on the other hand, it makes me start crying and remembering the times we were together.
Religion gives me the (false?) hope that he'll come back: that if I pray enough, maybe he'll come back to me. So far, he hasn't.
>>5449079
you sound like a melodramatic alcoholic, seek help
>>5449079
How long has it been since you guys broke up?
>>5449098
Doesn't sound very long
>>5449092
>implying that's a bad thing
>>5449079
You don't pray for hard results. You pray for ephemeral things like determination, resolve and courage, so that if you actually get them you won't be sure if the prayer worked or if the power was in you all along. That's how faith improves you, by making you improve yourself.
Sign up for some charity work. Not la-di-da deskjob charity work, but meaningful life experience shit like working in a soup kitchen or doing the big brother deal for disasvantaged youth. Surround yourself with those in miserable conditions so that you can see their will to carry on despite their misfortunes and be inspired by it.
Go online and whack it regularly to some fetish porn you like. Vent your hormonal buildup until you're more disgusted by the stalagtites forming under your desk than by yourself.
>>5449042
>>Because to be completely honest, a part of me doesn't want to stop caring about him.
That's fine. That's how it's supposed to work, but also care about yourself too anon.
For instance, my cat died. Took care of him for 11 years. When he died, a part of me died with him. Problem is that, regardless of how we feel about it, time won't stop and the world continues to turn. You won't get over it, but if you so choose, you can endure it and move on.
>>5449092
I don't deny it. I'm ridiculous, a spectacle. Luckily, no one can see me when I drink.
>>5449098
>>5449103
He broke up with me almost eleven months ago (it was February). And I still feel like he broke up with me yesterday.
Why don't you just try talking to him again?
Wow.
You're a pussy of a Dom.
Christ, what an embarrassment. Get over it, you weeping garbage-vagina.
>>5453454
I never claimed to be a good dom. Maybe that's one of the reasons he also left me - he was too submissive, and I wasn't a good dom. It simply wasn't in my nature: he wanted me to get rough, but I'd tell him I just wanted to hold him and kiss him.
But to be fair, when he broke up with me, he said the opposite thing: he told me that he found it hard to become aroused because of his self-esteem issues and that he could see the disappointment in my eyes when he was unable to climax or get hard. But I didn't care that much - sure, I got disappointed, but I honestly would have preferred to cuddle with him over sex.
>>5453767
Have you considered NOT doing BDSM, you stupid vagina?
Or maybe you could just get rough, fucktard.
It isn't hard, just tear off huge chunks of your emotions and turn them into rage, hatred and adrenaline.
TL;DR: Be a Man, you idiot.
>>5455167
>have you considered NOT doing BDSM
Do you think I went into the relationship just because of BDSM? I wanted to be with him because he was a great person who said he wanted me to be with him. It was only when I was with him that I began to see that he was quite submissive sexually, but even then, I didn't mind topping.
And like I said, I don't know if my inability to be dominant enough sexually was even a real factor in our break-up. It's just something I believe might have contributed. I don't even know why he broke up with me in the first place, really.
I won't lie, though - I liked that he was so much larger, intimidating, manly, and muscled than me, but wanted to bottom for me. Still, there was no real BDSM besides the fact he said he wanted me to get rough with him.
>>5448981
How old are you?
>>5455709
21.
Why do you ask?
>>5455544
Well THERE'S your problem, dumbfuck.
You weren't alpha enough for him.
Alpha is an overdone meme most of the time, but in YOUR case, it's true.
Get to /fit/, faggot, and LIFT.
It'll boost your testosterone, get your body fit, and help your mind out, to.
>>5455544
>I liked that he was so much larger, intimidating, manly, and muscled than me, but wanted to bottom for me.
HNNNNG
Give me his number. I can be a Dom for him.
>>5460617
>>5460617
Why do you have to say something like that? It makes me feel like utter shit - the thought of him being with anyone else but me makes me sick. He said I was "the one for him". He said that himself
The very fact you're online having these conversations in unhealthy. Believe me. I am the same age as you and been through the same thing. - You think that those feelings wont subside and it may last that way for a long time. But one day you'll wake up and realise that those feelings have gone, and realise you were being rediculous in the way you are hung up about him now. I spent ages thinking - what if i did this for him, i didn't do enough of that, ect. its all just bullshit.
>>5464331
It's easier said than done.
And yes, it's all just bullshit - in the end, no matter how many times I think " what if i did this for him, i didn't do enough of that", he still left me anyways, and none of those questions will make him come back.
It's just hard to 'let go'. I don't know how to do that.
