Lesbian here, need relationship advice.
> Girlfriend and I are hanging out.
> She says she wants to talk.
> Needs to tell me something.
> Tells me her father abused her when she was young.
> Would get her high and molest/rape her, from the ages of 7-16.
> Said she was telling me because he died a month ago and she wanted to get it off her chest.
> When I asked her why she didn't report him far earlier or tell anyone, she said:
> " Because I loved him and I didn't want to ruin his life " .
> " Because I knew he loved me "
> " Because I could tell it was something he needed and I could provide. "
> " Because it didn't hurt, I agreed and enjoyed it. "
> " Because it meant mom and dad didn't divorce. "
> " I just wanted to tell you because I don't want there to be secrets between us, and the only hard part is walking around pretending like it didn't happen. I just want one person around who knows what actually happened. "
> " I'm still sad he's gone. I loved dad. "
I don't know what the fuck she expects me to do with this. Like, she says I don't need to comfort her, but is she just bluffing? Does she expect everything to be normal now despite the fact that every time I see her I think about her old man's nasty dick in her?
I want to be supportive and help but it feels like she told me just to fuck with me.
Help?
Support her you dumb fuck. You sound like you're blaming her for being raped
>>5209030
I'm not blaming her. I just don't know how to support her when she snubs my attempts and says it isn't necessary. Why the fuck tell me something like that if you aren't looking for support?
>>5209016
>girlfriend tells me she was abused, raped and molested for a majority of her childhood
>but what's really important is how i feel about it
>>5209016
>Does she expect everything to be normal now despite the fact that every time I see her I think about her old man's nasty dick in her?
Jesus Christ you whiny baby, who gives a fuck. Someone's sexual history doesn't matter unless they've got an STD, get the fuck over it you crybaby bitch
>>5209040
Just do romantic stuff you idiot. Take her out, tell her you love her, she needs reassurance and comfort not you blatantly going WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP YOU COPE WITH YOUR TRAUMATIC SEXUAL ABUSE FROM YOUR DEAD FATHER like a robot and questioning her sexual purity to boot.
>I don't know what the fuck she expects me to do with this
make her call you daddy
>>5209119
Goddammit that's hot AF
TMI for sure, if not only because how highly she seemed to have talked about it. People have confided me in very similar things but nothing as positive(at most it was 'eh, i got over it/it didn't effect me much') as that. I'd be pretty confused/weirded out by how it was such a positive experience for them, but at the same time I think it's shitty to expect every victim of sexual assault for it to be the worst thing in the world to them because everyone handles it differently.
If she didn't like it, would you still think so disgustingly of her? What do you WANT to help her with? Frankly, as long as she knows that it was fucked up, not normal, and doesn't romanticize/encourage that shit then I suppose you can just leave it at that. It's obviously not something you can just tell anyone, and it seems like she just wanted someone to 'know'.
That's all really common stuff for people who were raped by their parents to feel/say. I doubt she genuinely enjoyed it, but clinging to the idea that she DID enjoy it is probably something she needs to do to keep herself sane. Like this way she can pretend she had control over it or could stop it, to make it feel less traumatic.
Lots of kids raped by parents also feel this bizarre conflict where they love their parents, but they also HATED the abuse and couldn't reconcile the two.
I was raped by a parent as a kid. I didn't have that reaction - I ran for my fucking life as soon as I could and have been no contact with my entire biological family since then. I've also been in a lot of therapy for it, and have severe PTSD, so I understand trauma psychology really well, which is why what your gf said isn't too surprising.
In terms of how to be supportive to your gf, the best thing I can recommend is to be as empowering as possible. One of the ways that rape is traumatic is a total loss of control, so the BEST thing to do at this point is let her control how she deals with it. If she says "I don't want comfort," even if deep down she really does, listen to her and don't push it.
THAT said, that doesn't mean your feelings about this are unimportant. That's a huge fucking bomb to drop on someone, and I think most people would react the way you did. She's glorifying her abuse in a way that's really disturbing for an outsider to hear about. I would recommend sitting down and, very gently and respectfully, talking it through with her how you feel about it. Get it out in the open, and figure out where to go from here.
And if it's something you can't deal with/are too weirded out by? That's totally fine too.
Feel free to ask me anything you want about trauma psychology/early childhood rape/etc.
>>5209281
>That's all really common stuff for people who were raped by their parents to feel/say. I doubt she genuinely enjoyed it, but clinging to the idea that she DID enjoy it is probably something she needs to do to keep herself sane. Like this way she can pretend she had control over it or could stop it, to make it feel less traumatic.
I don't agree with this entirely. Rape/sexual assault isn't always being forcefully fucked in a cold dungeon. It's common for abuse victims to feel like shit because it didn't hurt, or worse - it felt good. I got molested as a kid by older kids, but it didn't hurt me. I never felt bad about it, and maybe it was because they probably weren't old enough to understand it either. Then in my teens forcefully molested by people who absolutely were old enough to understand its wrong and I hate to admit that yeah, it did arouse me. Being raped wasn't arousing at all, but at worst it was 'kinda painful' and rather than being reduced to a sobbing mess of tears, at most I was annoyed and uncomfortable the entire time. The aftermath was even worse for me because I kept expecting I'd have some sort of mental breakdown and was expecting it to ruin my life, and 8 years later it's still never happened. It's just been drilled into me that it WOULD ruin my life, and that coping would be some tremendous struggle I may not ever over come. That is true for many people so don't get me wrong, but it does feel ostracizing to the people who are pretty 'eh' about it. It sucked, but I got over it. I do have PSTD but its not from sexual assault, but from physical assault like beatings, choking, severe neglect, general wtf fucked up shit, etc as kid.
tl;dr It isn't the worst thing ever that will ruin your life forever for /everyone/. OP's gf quite possibly genuinely enjoyed it. It doesn't make it any less fucked up or wrong, it doesn't mean fucking your kids is ok and by no means should she be glorifying it or encouraging it.
>>5209444
Frankly, being raped by a parent is really different from being raped by another kid. I don't at all deny that being raped by another kid can be traumatic as fuck (and everyone deals with it in their own way, I think it's great that you don't feel traumatized), but being raped repeatedly for years by an all-powerful caretaker during your formative years is very different from being raped by a peer. Your experience doesn't really apply.
>>5209496
I'm just saying that is it really far-fetched to say that maybe OP's gf genuinely thought of it as a positive experience and is not as effected by it as you are? This goes for abuse in general, sexual or otherwise. It really, really isn't the same for everyone and I don't think it should all be treated the same way either. Some people really do need therapy, medication, etc, while some others really just don't give a fuck or its really better if you leave them alone.
Really its only the two things in OP's post that are a huge red flag to me
> " Because I loved him and I didn't want to ruin his life "
>" Because it meant mom and dad didn't divorce. "
Victim-blaming themselves. I dunno if there is a word for it. I think that if OP's gf doesn't realize it, that she should know that she wouldn't be responsible for ruining his life or their parents divorcing if it had come down to that. It was not up to her to keep her dad happy, or to keep their parents together. I think this is borderline dangerous for her to think, especially if she ever plans on having kids herself. If it didn't hurt her and she liked it - fine, what the fuck ever. I'm glad it may not have ruined her life, but I think something like that needs to be realized and cleared up.
>>5209214
So does dating an absolute cunt like you, it seems.
>>5209496
>>5209591
Plus, honestly, abuse is abuse. I might not have been raped by my dad but I have been locked up, deprived, hosed down in the middle of winter in a broken basement after getting beaten for something I didn't do and forced to wear those icing clothes for the rest of the night with no heat(after being beaten, again of course). I've had my bones broken. Maybe the sexual assault didn't bother me as much mainly because it didn't hurt as much as what my sadistic dad did but even then I honestly do not think anyone can exactly apply their feelings to someone else, even if they have been through the exact same shit because for the 100th time(as both me and you have said) - everyone deals with it in their own way.
i hate people that think like this. too much information? friendship has limits for you? your friend is in pain don't be so selfish.
>>5209591
>I'm just saying that is it really far-fetched to say that maybe OP's gf genuinely thought of it as a positive experience and is not as effected by it as you are?
It is absolutely far-fetched. Frankly, you don't know what you're talking about. Like I said, this is all *really common shit* that is well-studied and fairly well-understood. I've heard this a thousand times before, in groups, etc. I know numerous other survivors of parental rape and have talked about this shit with numerous trauma specialists. Is it *possible* that she's not traumatized? Anything is possible, but it's ridiculously far-fetched, especially given that she's saying the exact things that traumatized victims of parental rape say all the time.
Seriously, if you don't know how this shit works, shut up.
Dump her, because she's clearly a lesbian as a consequence of her sexual assault.
Seriously, when going out with girls as a lesbian you must consider
>she wasn't raped/molested
>she isn't so ugly men don't want her
>she isn't a crazy feminist manhater
>she isn't a bislut in denial
>she doesn't obsesses over yaoi/2D males/male actors (specially sexually)
>she doesn't has a personality disorder
These are just the basic redflags to consider when dating another woman as a lesbian. If the girl you like has at least one of these, just NOPE the fuck out of her life.
>>5209016
>"oh noo she's no longer pure what a whore~!"
>>5209016 (OP)
>> " Because
God I've heard those same words dozens of times before. I'm an ex support line counselor. I'd end up handling a call or two like that a week.
>I just want one person around who knows what actually happened.
I wouldn't be surprised if that is a cry for help.
Be supportive. Her reactions, etc. are actually pretty normal for somebody who was molested by a family member. Look on the bright side. At least she remembers it happened. Many don't, yet it still fucks up their lives and they can't figure out why. Kids instinctively know it's wrong, and when it happens that can warp their mind. She likely needs to get into counseling for it. She should go to a counselor that understands psychological trauma, and that knows EMDR. EMDR wasn't available when I first needed counseling. I'd given up on getting relief from the abuse I endured. I've been through a number of EMDR sessions, and feel massively better.
THIS >>5209281
THIS >>5209631
>Is it *possible* that she's not traumatized? Anything is possible, but it's ridiculously far-fetched, especially given that she's saying the exact things that traumatized victims of parental rape say all the time.
>>5209610
If you haven't been in for counseling, please go.
>>5209772
>she's clearly a lesbian as a consequence of her sexual assault
I doubt it.
>>5209784
Exactly. Pure whores have no entrance to my garden of maidens. Get triggered all you want, dirty slut.
>>5209631
>i'm not listening because someone isn't coping how i think they should be coping
Opinions disregarded due to lack of reading comprehension. You're backpedaling on something you've already said. As I've said before, if this what helped OP's gf cope and as long as she realizes that it was wrong and it wasn't her fault - she isn't doing anything wrong and she's doing nothing wrong. It's people like you who completely ostracize people's experiences that weren't your's and shuts them out because you can't possibly comprehend that they didn't feel the same as you. Thats fucked up and selfish, and just one of the reasons why many feel even worse because they enjoyed it in any sort of way. I am truly sorry that you went through a very rough time, but it is just not the same for everyone and it quite possibly not as far-fetched as you think.
>>5209982
>If you haven't been in for counseling, please go.
Yes, and it has all boiled down to the things that DID bother and effect me. I have seen many different therapists and psyches throughout my life(these days, as an adult not forced too but because i still feel like they have improved my quality of my life).
>>5210058
May or may not should have mentioned but I have also been in numerous group therapies dedicated to sexual abuse/child abuse as well since I was 12, which helped a lot because it was what made me realize that yeah wow, people experience things differently.
>>5209016
I hope she dumps you desu. You're the core of a narcissist.
>>5209016
She wants you to put her in a leash, give it to her rough, and make her call you "daddy" to fill the hole in her life (you know: the one between her legs). What do you need, a written invitation?
OP, here's the deal; you're a shitty fucking person.
No, no, wait. Hear me out; you're a fucking scumbag. You don't want to be supportive. Your partner told you a deep secret and let their guard down in a big way and you throw it back in their face and not only act like they're disgusting but you then only care about how it affects you, or how you feel.
Now, now, wait and listen. The general point is that you're a fucking cunt and you should kill yourself.
>>5209016
She doesn't want help, she just wants to share a burdensome secret without judgement. Just accept and love her and move on.
Those are almost exactly the excuses I used. My father had me perform oral sex on him when I was 12-14. I didn't necessarily enjoy it but I knew he wanted it, liked it and I felt he was my little brother's and my protector against my mother (both alcoholics but mother was physically abusive).
I've only told one boyfriend and people here on 4chan and it's cathartic to get it out.
>>5211476
people deal with shit differently.
just have to find to the real friend to open up to
>>5211485
Agree. In my case I kept it bottled up too long. But in OP's case I think if the two of them are serious, then she really does need to open up about her past in case it affects their relationship.
>>5209016
Hate to break it to you, but this bitch sounds like all kinds of crazy. Get out now.
>>5209016
>Does she expect everything to be normal now despite the fact that every time I see her I think about her old man's nasty dick in her?
I mean yeah that is particularly weird, but just don't. I mean that sounds kinda like the concept of a chick being ruined forever by not being a virgin.
She may just want you to know for now and maybe will bring it up later.
Are all lesbians like op
>>5216583
>are all _______ like ________
No.
