(a)Romantic Edition
Are you (a)romantic? A hopeless romantic? Haven't figured it out? In a relationship? Keeping it platonic? Cuddle-slut?
Old: >>5170116
Friendly reminder that you can hide the thread by clicking the little minus sign to the left, or by filtering "/acegen/" through 4chan's settings (top right). For those of you who continue to insist that we do not belong here: /lgbt/ is the most relevant board on 4chan for the discussion of GSRMs (gender, sexual, romantic minorities) which includes asexuals and asexuality
>So, what exactly IS asexuality?
There are two commonly used definitions, the first (from dictionary.reference.com):
asexual (a-sek-shoo-el) in medicine
3. lacking interest or desire in sex
And the second (from asexuality.org):
An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction
(to prevent confusion; latter preferred)
>soitsfuckingnothing.jpg
If it helps, asexuality is recognized in the DSM-V: "if a lifelong lack of sexual desire is better explained by one's self-identification as 'asexual', then a diagnosis of... [male/female sexual/arousal disorder]... is not made."
>Okay, so, that didn't actually tell me anything.
So you want to read more about asexuality. Cool.
If you want science:
http://www.asexualexplorations.net/home/extantresearch.html
If you want popular articles/videos/websites:
AVEN - The Asexuality Visibility & Education Network (asexuality.org)
Asexuality 101 (asexualawarenessweek.com/asexuality-101/)
Letters to an Asexual (and other relevant videos) (youtube.com/user/swankivy)
>/acegen/ halp! I think I might be asexual!
Do either of the above definitions apply to you? Both? Yes? No? Not sure? Start by asking yourself whether or not you experience sexual attraction as it is described here: http://imgur.com/pdIxHYc
>[questiongoeshere]
Hey, we're pretty chill, so if you've got a question: ask it.
Just don't hold it against us if we take awhile to get back to you; we're the slowest general on the board.
>>5381677
Also, we've got a map now! Just trying this for this thread, unless people ask for it in the next. Let's build up a list of people in /acegen/, maybe even arrange a meet up!
https://www.zeemaps.com/map?group=1763580
>>5381677
being aromantic was a bigger part of my identity for awhile than my sexuality. before i became sex-repulsed i was bisexual, and i didn't think much of it. it wasn't until a few failed relationships and some quality time on the internet that i realized i simply didn't have romantic feelings for others, and it was a huge relief. and now i'm actually dating someone again, but she knows i'm aro & doesn't expect romance from me. it might be weird to call it dating but we're very close & live together so eh.
I hate being grey-A. I wish that I could just make up my mind one way or another.
I keep pursuing people but it's just not fair to them at all. I know I'm never going to be able to hold up a relationship with a sexual.
I've got the issue of really enjoying BDSM, psychologically, not sexually at all. PIV, I don't care. But tie me up, choke me, grope me, make me serve you, and you have my full attention.
But I've never even done a lot of BDSM stuff. I get on my kicks where I'll think about it a lot (until I just retreat back into not wanting to be near anyone but my cat), but would I be able to keep it going? I've had maybe three semi-BDSM encounters. But I've never had the balls/opportunity to meet up with anyone new. I have one person that I've messed around with, but they live 3 hours and $40 away.
Anyone been in my shoes? Asexuals interested in kink?
>>5381677
>Asexual
>>5383435
i've known some kinky asexuals before, but i'm not that way myself (there's a chance i'm just suppressing stuff due to social anxiety, like i sometimes used to with vanilla sex before i became sex-repulsed, but it's not a super high chance)
>>5381687
Oops, I set up that map wrong (sorry, first time making one of those). New map: https://www.zeemaps.com/map?group=1764048&add=1#
>>5383483
what's your point friendo?
I told some friends I was asexual last night. It went ... ok. One knew what my affliction was already but the others... Apparently "but old people don't have sex very often either" is supposed to be consolatory?
Anyway, idk if I'm aro or not. Unlike asexiness I've never been in a situation to test it.
>>5383483
>>5385571
>>5386297
Sounds like they didn't get it. Not that it really matters. I don't really see the point in coming out as asexual.
I liked the opening post from the acegen awareness week thread:
>It's awareness week, apparently. Are you working to spread awareness? Is awareness even needed?
>>5384741
>i've known some kinky asexuals before
I've known some normal heterosexuals.
oh geez, i hope these new meds that i took in shot form aren't causing me all this anxiety
i've been smoking weed consistently because the official anti-anxiety meds i get are physically addictive
sometimes i wonder if i'm not sex-repulsed anymore and am only uncomfortable with sex due to anxiety. i dunno
>>5390296
what?
>>5383435
I'm an ace who is into BDSM as well. Which usually limits itself to spanking. It's the one of the only things I can get off to. Also, I self-spank, I used to think that it's sexual but actually it isn't. It's some form to relieve guilt, forgiveness, acceptance, tough love....
>>5383435
Well so long as your not sex repulsed and can into romance you should be fine. At that point its just about biting the bullet...er pillow.
>>5386297
Never heard of a horny ass old fucker or how rampant STD's are in retirement communities?
Same rules apply when the sex dries up you know shit is fucked(cause no greasing=sex).
>>5391488
Hire a whore for a trial run to make sure.
How likely is it that I might need to find an asexual girl for a healthy relationship? I'm heteroromantic and male but just don't know how much desire normal girls will have
I could probably get it up about once or twice a month if necessary
just curious about others experiences dating non-aces
>>5393176
In my experiences with my sexual female friends, they do enjoy sex a lot and worry about their bf not loving them/being attracted to them if he turns down sex. Or they think he's cheating.
Kind of that whole "all guys are ready to go whenever" bullshit.
>>5392517
>Well so long as your not sex repulsed and can into romance you should be fine.
Sometimes I can handle it and let it happen, other times i just get cold wiggly chills down my whole body. It's stupid and I hate it.
Plus it's annoying since people always want to fuck at night. So it's hard to push past my apathy when all I want to do is sleep.
>>5392470
Yeah, it's pretty amazing the kind of emotional release you can get from this stuff.
>>5390280
It was more of a tactical coming out. We were talking about past relationships, which of course I have none. I figured telling the truth was better than them thinking I was some beta faggot.
Alright, how do I get a gf?
I know an enduring relationship isn't really possible without sex, and asexual girls aren't exactly common, let alone asexual girls I would like.
So what, do I just pretend I like sex? I've never had sex, can you maintain an erection during intercourse just with the motion?
I do have a fetish, maybe I can use it to keep my erection during sex? Or is it just going to weird out my potential gf?
>>5403521
As others do.
If your not sex repulsed just bite the pillow. The way of maintaining an erection is indeed an art form when you don't experience sexual attraction and its something that every ace guy who isn't aromantic is required to master. Truthfully I still have problems with that. Thankfully if the nerves work the pleasure can help keep it erect. Problem is that means you unlike other men will need regular stimulus to maintain the erection. Unlike other men who will be able to maintain it because they are turned on even with no such stimulus.
Fetish fuel is good...very good. Especially if you share fetishes or can tap into her fetish fuel she will much more forgivable for problems that may crop up as long as her fetishes are being fed.
Fetish for a fetish. Exchange fetishes with potential gf. You bring up fetish she brings up fetish. You involve both fetishes in round of sex either same round or different rounds. Then trade off as per usual.
>>5394839
i was always a night owl so the night fuck didn't bother me too much. So...say your more of a morning horny person or something then?
Any tips for being in a relationship with someone ace?
He was really promiscuous before meeting me and coming out, and I know it's wrong of me to feel hurt but I do.
>>5403973
He decides that you're worth being genuine with, and that hurts you? Would you rather he keep on faking it?
As for actual advice, if you're actually interested in staying with him, remember that aces are really good at faking things and being inauthentic. If they feel cornered or like their real feelings won't be appreciated, they can switch gears in an instant and start telling you exactly what you want to hear, and probably make you believe it. If you want the truth, consider the broader context. If he only started agreeing with you after you started getting passive-aggressive with him, he's being fake with you because he's learned that's what you want. Also check for eye contact. I still break into thousand-yard stares of existential dread during sex when I think my partner's eyes are closed. It's a hard habit to break.
>>5403763
Most of the time sexuals are into sexual fetishes (see /s/ and /hc/ for some examples), while asexuals usually into non-sexual things. If your gf is into one of these non sexual..., well non-intercourse related fetishes, like feet, messy(whipped cream) or the 50 shades of gray syllabus, then it's still taken as some foreplay, the main course will still be actual sex. Yet if you can't satisfy her main fetish it's still not going to work. And if you're into something weird like furry, watersports, scat,... think twice before even mentioning that.
>>5404982
I do any kind of kinks just because it's all the same boring shit to me and it's an advantage to be willing to do things that people would have hard time finding people to share with. Normal sex and complicated sex are equally boring to me, so the act of pretending to enjoy them is pretty much the same. In fact, I'm pretty good at being a dom because people mistake my cold indifference for dominance. Plus a lot of BDSM stuff is easier to do than regular sex. If they just want you to whip them or something, you can read a book while you're doing it. If you find someone with a chastity fetish you can satisfy them by doing literally nothing. That would be the best.
i feel sorta weird. i'm still sex-repulsed, but i think i might still experience sexual attraction? at least it's what i recognized as sexual attraction before i became sex-repulsed. i suppose it could be defined as "aesthetic attraction" now, as some people seem to call it, but i think i did want to potentially have sex with people i felt this way about.
just today an extremely attractive person helped carry a rat cage into my home, and while i didn't have any desire to fuck, i felt the same old feeling and did strongly want to get to know them better.
i don't know if this post really has a question that needs answering, but i feel sorta uncomfortable with this.
I really wish demisexual wasn't a word invited by a furry and popularized by Timblr, because it really hits the nail on the head for me. I don't see an attractive person and think "I want to fuck that". Masturbation feelS a lot like a chore. The only people I've ever kind of almost wanted to fuck I fancied a good bit, and this has been both grills and bois.
>>5411156
that can be tough, but words can be taken from their originators if enough people put effort into it. it wouldn't be the same as "queer" in this case, but still. i know two friends' mothers who, when told the definition of demisexual, started considering themselves it (& they're not the sort confusing attraction with intent to fuck). i think it could become a decently regarded word if its definition was shared outside of tumblr spaces.
What do you do when you're in a long term relationship, everything is perfect except one of you is sex-repulsed and comes out to you as asexual, when before you just thought it was stress/depression?
Just asking because I know I can't be the only person who's had this, but I want to get the ace point of view.
>>5412852
i became sex-repulsed pretty suddenly, but i don't know if my experience will be helpful to you since i'm in a poly relationship & when my partner wants sex she can get it from one of her other partners. i've heard that some people, even ones in poly/open relationships feel a strong urge/desire to have sex with all romantic partners, that cuddling can make that desire hard to handle, & i have no idea how to deal with that. my partner isn't that way & we haven't really had any issues with it (besides my personal distress at the sudden change) so yeah.
Can I hang out in here?
>>5381677
I wish I could have a partner to cuddle. That's it. I like romance but the sexual part of the relationship makes me anxious. Is it normal?
>>5415110
Yeah, you're cool.
>>5415110
Is this makianon?
>>5416662
Didn't you have a trip at one point?
>>5416680
Oh, huh. Well, you're totally welcome here!
>>5415469
yeah, I'm almost the same. I'm in a relationship, but I've had to negotiate the minimum amount of sex - it's a trade-off I'm willing to make for the company.
Initially it made me super-anxious, but I got desensitized eventually.
>>5417203
OP here. I don't see why not. Besides, happens on other /*gen/s, right? Even if not, I really don't see why that wouldn't be okay.
>>5415110
Why couldn't you? Welcome! (Or hello again? What you said later seems to indicate that to be the case. Welcome back!)
>>5415469
Totally normal. It makes sense that the potential sexual aspect may make you anxious, but I'm sure that's mostly a fear of the unknown. With time (as >>5416829 said) you should be fine.
>>5411156
So use the term. Those unfamiliar with it can have you define it for them, in which case the tumblr association doesn't exist. With enough people doing it that way tumblr leaves the picture entirely. At the very least some tumblr people would (perhaps be almost forced to) accept you right off the bat.
Hi I'm Ace/Aro. How is everyone?
I'm ace too and I'm thankful for this thread. Seems like everywhere I go I get laughed at.
Do asexual people masturbate to straight/gay porn?
I've always called myself an apathetic Bisexual.
As I dont really mind what gender I date and I don't ever try to start new relationships due to lazyness.
is their a better categorization for this or should I stick with what I got?
I've been told im asexual before but ignored it I've always thought one day ill get perk up and start dating enthusiastically?
>>5423419
it's unlikely you'll suddenly gain a strong interest in dating if you've already been post-puberty for awhile. while your level of apathy might make asexual/aromantic a fitting label, you could definitely use your current one too, unless the only reason you're sticking to it is the expectation that you will change sometime in the future.
>>5423251
Laughed at? Seems like an odd thing for someone to find humor in.
We're you in a situation where it was appropriate to say "I don't really ever have any interest in sex."? It does sound like the kind of thing someone would say sarcastically.
>>5427231
It can be seen as funny if they think you've just given up on sex because you know you don't have a shot at it.
>>5427231
'The fuck are you talking about, asexuals get ridiculed all the time
>>5430554
>ridiculed all the time
Didn't mean to offend. I don't hang around here that much, lately.
>>5432739
Aces do get ridiculed all the time it just rarely gets violent. Hence one of the reason why many asexuals stay in the closet. Its typically not really worth the trouble for many of them.
>be ace
>have had two guys lust for me in the past 4 years
>felt good both times, but i'm not gay
>one girl i know tells me i look cute every day and is very flirty
>feels good, but i don't want to date her
>tfw i want people to lust for me
>tfw i just want people to think i'm cute
Anyone else know that feel? How do I be cute?
Happy holidays /acegen/!
>>5438365
I don't know, I never considered myself as cute. I seem to have an affinity to cute girls, if I see a girl I seem to like, instead of hot, I think cute! If many of these girls are visible at the same time I might actually overdose on cuteness. It sounds silly but actually it feels good and warm.
So are all Asexual technically bi who aren't interested in sex? If being Ace is different than being straight or gay then aren't you somewhere in the middle?
>>5438974
Happy holidays!
>>5439243
If you were to imagine a 2-d coordinate grid-like spectrum, with straight to left, gay to right, bi as up, ace would be down. Bi and ace are the middle ground, but they're different. Bi would have sexual attraction, ace no sexual attraction. However, either may or may not be interested in sex, depending on the person. So like a similar category to bi, but we aren't bi without sex, we're just a similar equal-attraction basis.
In other words, we're as much bi with no interest in sex as bi is ace with infinite interest in sex. Neither is actually the case.
>>5438365
>Wanting to lead people on
Oh I sure do wonder why people hate asexuals so much.
>>5439362
Is tumblr nonsense the T axis?
>>5439243
When just talking about sexual attraction, yeah you could think about it that way. However many aces are attracted to one gender specifically. Though there are also some who are romantically attracted to all genders, or don't experience romantic attraction at all. And it's also possible for mismatched sexual and romantic orientations to occur in non-ace people as well.
>>5439434
I make it very clear that i'm not interested. They see my asexuality as a blank slate, and that's their fault.
>>5439434
Nah, I think it's more that they just don't understand asexuality, they tend to think that when an asexual admits to being aroused that means they're lying and just pretending to be asexual.
>>5439434
Well, I wouldn't blame them if they did. It's quite understandable. Asexuality is an insane to Identify as. Now, identifying as asexual, I get those feelings too, like, I'd want people to find me attractive, but then I think to myself "what would I do with that attraction?" and then I just don't even bother
I feel like it has something to do with my childhood. Between the ages of 10-13 I was shamed for not having a significant other or not wanting to hang out with people of the opposite sex. So, I kind of have a complex about this, where I want people to know that I'm not a total loser when by all means regardless of if I were to attract people or not I would be, because I wouldn't be able to reciprocate that affection.
Anyone diagnosed with schizoid PD here?
I was diagnosed couple years back, but I concealed a couple things.
One, I had an incredibly deep love obsession for someone. I flat-out lied when I was asked whether I had ever fallen in obsessive love. I feel bad about it because that was in front of a class of psyche students and I think I was being used as a "rare sample" of schizoid PD. Since schizoid makes you a shut-in, the disorder is probably not well understood...
Two, on the meanwhile I've realized that it was not only that one love obsession, I generally really, really long for nice, healthy, joyful relationships with cute women. I probably always repressed this. I feel effeminate myself, and feel that the patriarchal culture and porn culture we live in was what fucked me up for good.
I continue to have extreme difficulties enjoying spending time with people (men are all porn and dominant-sex obsessed assholes, and women disappoint me by being complicit with them), and opening up to people emotionally (since my feelings and views on society are so radically different and I can barely trust anyone at all), so all in all I end up asexual in practice. Turned 22 a week ago and I haven't had a girlfriend in my life (though in childhood and adolescence I actually had good friendships with girls).
Reading pic related book also revolutionized my outlook, and I really wish for a radfem gf who understands what true love, honesty, and respect means.
Anyone relate?
>>5444828
>Anyone relate?
I guess nobody then.
>>5439243
>>5439362
Wow, no.
The Y axis would be amount of sexual attraction and the X axis would be gay and straight.
So you'd be in the middle of the x axis, between gay and straight, to be bi.
And in between asexual and sexual are those grey-aces.
We could be crazy and introduce the z axis of romantic orientation.
Because all three of these are separate.
>>5444828
>>5445503
No, no. I relate. I'm SPD too.
I started obsessing over an acquaintance a while back, and the more I got to know her the more obsessed I became. I would think of her constantly. But we were incompatible; she was married. Letting go has been long and painful. It's hard trying not to care. I'm probably not over her still.
I definitely do not enjoy spending time with most other men. Mostly because I don't have the same hobbies and interests as them anymore it seems. This doesn't necessarily directly relate to them being sex-obsessed, though I suspect it's a factor. The man I most enjoy spending time with is basically asexual. I don't have much to say about the women I know, though I'll mull it over. In general I'm happy with just being acquaintances with other people.
I feel effeminate too, or perhaps more accurately genderless. I am not interested in being a man but I don't want to be a woman either. I do not feel that the patriarchy fucked me up. My personality disorder, depression, and parents are probably most to blame.
I'm glad you shared this, anon. Being schizoid is scary, and hearing from another one is comforting. I hope we can continue talking.
>>5445700
Sorry to hear about your story anon. I hope you somehow find someone compatible eventually.
I decided to start taking meds soon, and take a break from my job, so I can work on healing. I really somehow need to meet people and at least get some human warmth, because loneliness is killing me and all my joy in life.
Also a really funny aspect of my issues is that I can be writing this and at the same time speaking with my father who's in the same room and he knows absolutely nothing about these problems of mine. I just keep a straight face while writing this post and answer some things he's asking with a normal tone. It's really strange. I do things like this often, with various family members or acquaintances.
>>5445895
I get 8/10 ratings on /soc/.
>>5445895
While I'm not particularly attractive, I've never had any desire to "get laid". Sex has always been disgusting to me, it's about as arousing and desirable to me as eating sewage.
>>5445927
I think you were sexually abused.
Please, find a good therapist. Trust me, it helps a lot. You can fix things.
>>5445969
I'm pretty sure I wasn't sexually abused, there would be SOME kind of evidence/memory of that. And I don't feel that I'd be any better off if I did desire sex.
>>5445827
>I decided to start taking meds soon, and take a break from my job, so I can work on healing.
You made the right choice. I dropped college a year ago now and started new medication shortly afterwards. Being in school had made me miserable because I half-assed mostly everything and being forced to interact with people all day was a bitch. Nowadays I work part time at a job I actually care about and it's made a world of difference. That plus having the time to pursue a couple crafts on my bonus free time has made me quite happier. I'm sure you'll benefit a lot from escaping the rut for a while.
Loneliness is definitely a problem sometimes. For me, just interacting with another person in a way I feel is meaningful will make me happy for the day, and between work and my hobbies usually I can do that every day.
I think I want to fall in love with a girl also, but on the other hand I'm kind of content to just coast by day after day just having contact with a few acquaintances. Sometimes I worry I'm just sleepwalking through life, but when I force myself to interact with people more closely nine times of ten I feel hysterical afterwards and withdraw myself again.
I guess my biggest fear is that I'll wake up one day and want a wife and a ton of very close, emotionally open friends but it'll be too late because I've been squandering so much of my life not building those kind of relationships. I don't miss them now, or at least I don't want those kind of friends most of the time, but I'm scared of being a bitter lonely old man.
>>5445895
>>5445969
>>5447155
Oh hey lonely sexually frustrated faggots trying their hands at epic trolling
>>5447198
Nobody wants ppl preading that bullshit
Bumptity bump bump
Asexuals just can't get laid
>>5451737
Kek, if we can't get laid, you most certainly can't, anon. What exactly would be the benefit for desperate cunts, like yourself, to identify as asexual, exactly? Like, ohmegash "Hey everybody I can't get laid. I didn't want to get laid anyway... but, uh... secretlyidoidowantthebootynoticemesempaibeforeIcrawlintoadepressiveholeanddieomegash." Like, doesn't that defeat the purpose of desperate-cuntism? Don't you think? Wouldn't it be better to advertise yourself as being horny ass fuck, constantly wanting sex so that some other desperate fuck can find you and fuck you, rather than advertising the opposite?
Am I the only bastard with a brain?
How to find an ace partner? Or should i just settle for pleasuring a partner ocassionally to keep them happy?
>want to dress better
>get clothes that actually work with my figure
>now have people wanting a sexual relationship with me
Should I just stick to wearing sweatshirts forever and sacrifice my style?
>>5453799
is telling people no really so terrible for you?
>>5454094
It's not terrible. It's just annoying. Plus, there's always the people getting butthurt when you tell them "no" so then you have to deal with that too.
It's like finding this awesome band but every time you listen to it in public, a dog tries to hump your leg.
So I've been trying to figure out my own sexuality and maybe you guys can help.
In my readings I initially drifted towards aromanticism, because the idea of spending so much time, living with, having to care about, talk to, text, etc. a partner seems so stupid to me. It made me sick to see my roommate and his girlfriend do couple-y stuff.
But I still have moments where I'm like
>tfw no gf
Or moments where I wish I was holding someone before I fall asleep in my bed.
I also edged towards full on asexuality after having a number of moments where people in my classes or whatever would be like "x girl is so hot" or "I'm gonna get with this y girl" and I'm just completely disinterested and unable to connect with those though processes.
And yet I still end up hooking up with people when I'm drunk.
Maybe I'm just broke or something. I'm so unsure with myself.
My demi friend has become really fucking annoying lately. Ever since she found a bf she won't shut up about how amazing being sexually attracted to him is and talks constantly about sex.
She knows I'm ace and sex repulsed, so at this point she's just doing it to make me feel broken again.
Almost feel like telling her to check her privilege or something just to piss her off. Once demis find someone they're basically straight/gay/whatever anyway and only serve to mess up the public's perceptions of aces.
>Be ace
>Three relationships I've ever had abruptly ended when I refused to have sex
>now 39 y/o
Welp. Everyone wants sexytimes. It makes me physically sick to think about sexual relations.
>>5455124
"demi" is a made up sexuality like "pan" and "blarf" and "wombo"
>>5455138
Stop being a pussy and fuck people.
Do you asexuals jerk of to porn? How frequently do you do it? Or do you guys even jerk off at all?
Explain how asexuality works, I still don't quite get it.
>>5454646
You sound pretty normal tb.h anon.
Many people are not into the whole choosing partner on purely-superficial-criteria thing. Nobody like seeing to much PDA.
Do you have close (non-romantic) friend(s) for which you care/spends lots of time with ? (Such friendships are in many ways close to what a romantic relationship is.)
>>5455217
Idk how "asexuals work" but i typically dont. Using my body for sexual means in any capacity makes me depressed whether I'm alone or with someone else. Sex in television and movies usually either repulses or disappoints me.
>>5455480
I used to think that other men having sex with women was an act of saying fuck you to the other people that weren't having sex with women. That's why I would hit on women when I would go downtown drunk, I just wanted to wrack up numbers because I felt that hetero sex was a numbers game and told you how much you're worth as a male. When my friends would have sex with girls I would get jealous at first, then I would jerk off to the thought of my friend getting his dick wet, that he was man enough to get the privilege of having beautiful girls sit on his big penis.
I might have been a supreme gentleman, idk. But when I was a virgin I would see other people having sex as an act of them saying fuck you to the world and hording happiness and sex. It's true though that straight men tend to want to horde sex and cockblock other men from having sex, I bet it makes the sex feel a whole lot better when you're getting some and the smuck behind you has to jerk off to porn and cry himself to sleep.
Heterosex is all about power and divide and conquering.
>>5452516
Stop replying to trolls you fucking retard
>>5455217
I don't jack off and honestly never have, but I seem to be in the minority even among asexuals in that respect.
To me being asexual is being a person that doesn't want or even really understand the appeal of sex. I don't know what you mean when you say you don't know how that works.
>>5455141
All sexualities are made up. The only difference between demi and say hetero and ace is that the latter two are "core" sexualities based on gender and demi is a secondary category based on other factors.
>>5455217
I'm not turned on by the stuff you find in porn, in fact most "sexual" stuff (in the way an average person would interpret the term) repulses me, I just have these weird fetishes that turn me on. And since there doesn't really exist porn for that I mostly have to go by my own fantasies. However, these fantasies never involve me as an individual, I'm more this kind of disembodied observer - kind of like a movie, though sometimes I feel like I'm kind of "controlling" one of the people I imagine (kind of like a video game), and they never involve intercourse or nudity or other "normal" sexual stuff. And usually masturbation is something I do only because my body feels like it's telling me I HAVE TO do it, like I can't focus on anything else until I do - but I don't really enjoy the act itself, for some reason it's become less pleasurable since a few years ago. I'd really just be happier not to have a libido at all.
>>5455847
No. :) It's fun.
>>5456338
Why do you think that is anon? For me I initially was sex repulsed because it seemed like no one would shut up about it, is it the same for you? Or does it feel more like a phobia?
>>5453799
Pretty much or expect be forever considered a frozen prude.
>>5454646
If you feel sexual attraction then your not an asexual. Considering you have desires for GF that means your not completely aromantic.
So yes your broken but so is everyone else in the /lgbt/. Especially the aces their stuff is just messed up but ours is outright fucked.
>>5455138
Then your screwed unless you run into another ace. Otherwise you need to learn to bite the pillow and do it regularly as well as to a satisfying degree.
>>5455217
Once a week as per doctor's orders. Otherwise I wouldn't I fucking hate jerking off it sucks but it will fuck with my health if I don't.
>>5457146
>your
It's "you're", as in "you are".
>>5457146
>Once a week as per doctor's orders.
Really? Explain this.
>>5457054
Asexuals generally totally cuddle. Cuddling is the best fucking thing in the world (no pun intended).
>>5455847
Well... If we didn't do that, the thread may die. Sadly, trolls sometimes keep us alive. Sometimes I wonder if they actually hate us, because what they do actually helps us and hurts their cause.
>>5453413
Don't do anything that you don't want to do. The odds of finding an ace partner are probably pretty low, but you may be able to find a partner that's totally fine with having no sex or something else. But you may have to just settle.
>>5453799
Your call, but I'd recommend sticking with the nice clothing. Just turn people down whenever that comes up, you should be fine.
>>5454646
Well, maybe you are aromantic, but that doesn't mean you're an antisocial being. It doesn't mean that you always want to be alone. There are aromantic people that date. I would liken it to how many asexual people actively seek out sex. I guess maybe it just satisfies something in a different way than most people or something.
>And yet I still end up hooking up with people when I'm drunk.
Not inherently sexual, only if you're actually sexually attracted to them. Are you pursuing people based on sexual attraction? Is it them pursuing you? Are you only doing it because libido?
>>5455124
Tell her to go fuck herself. She needs to learn to respect you, because what she is doing is incredibly disrespectful.
>>5455217
Kinda-sorta. Between once a day and once a week (varies) I'll masturbate, often to porn, I just pull up a bunch and flip through it. I don't do it really for the porn, rather just as something to do, something to keep me focused/from getting distracted. I sometimes also masturbate without porn but I can get lost in my head and it can be a huge challenge.
The porn most of the time is to specific fetishes. I can't stand typical porn.
Honestly though, I hate masturbating. I only do it because
>libido
>I hate having a libido
>Make it stop
>MAKE IT STOP
>>5456723
Not really, I mean I've pretty much felt this way since I was like 12, back then people around me either didn't talk about sex or I was just oblivious to it. I feel like there's some instinctual part of sexuality that most people have that I'm missing, like most people find nudity and certain sexual acts attractive even without having ever seen it. Whereas what attraction I have seems to be learned/conditioned, it's like I'm attracted to how people look in ordinary everyday situations where I see them, fully clothed and all that, and nudity just looks weird and awkward to me. Not sure I'd call it a phobia, I imagine it's kind of like how someone who isn't bi or ace feels when they see someone nude who is NOT of their preferred sex.
>>5455174
No
>>5457146
>Then your screwed unless you run into another ace. Otherwise you need to learn to bite the pillow and do it regularly as well as to a satisfying degree.
Uh, no? I don't even TALK TO PEOPLE outside of work.
People fucking SUCK.
>>5456317
>All sexualities are made up. The only difference between demi and say hetero and ace is that the latter two are "core" sexualities based on gender and demi is a secondary category based on other factors.
Secondary factors as in SNOWFLAKITUS?
>>5458226
>Secondary factors as in SNOWFLAKITUS?
You can call it that, it's just different layers/level of classification.
>>5455124
Have you tried communicating how you feel about this to her?
If she doesn't know how you feel, she can't change her ways. If she does, then just drop her.
>>5455217
>Do you asexuals jerk of to porn?
yep
> How frequently do you do it?
Depending on the mood, it varies around 1-2 weeks.
>Explain how asexuality works, I still don't quite get it.
Okay, let's say a bunch of people go to an ice cream shop.
Some people get a single flavor because that's their favorite. Those are the homos and heteros
Some people get a swirled cone or a bunch of scoops of multiple flavors. Those are the bi and flexible people
Some people don't get anything because they're on a diet or they're vegan or some bullshit so they can't eat ice cream. That's celibate people.
Some people don't get anything because they don't like ice cream. That's asexual people.
>>5458401
I need tertiary classifications! Not just secondary!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKYFbdZoBF4
>>5458132
Guess you can't win sometimes, eh?
>>5458541
>Some people don't get anything because they don't like ice cream. That's asexual people.
And some of those that didn't get any ice cream not only don't like it, but kinda don't want to watch people eating it. In fact, they don't want to have the existence of ice cream made aware to them. Those are the sex-repulsed asexual people.
>>5458132
I dont really see a difference? I didn't make an emotional choice to hate masturbation, sex related stuff and my body just physicaly disgust me, and i didnt ever want it to be that way.
>>5455217
>Do you asexuals jerk of to porn?
Sometimes but it's not very fun, it's kind of like doing away with morning wood or something.
>How frequently do you do it?
Depends, I can go without for months but about once a week is typical. Even if my mind is disinterested it is still healthy to not be backed up.
>Explain how asexuality works, I still don't quite get it.
It can be different for different people, personally I think seeing it in comics or reading about it is fine and I usually find it either funny or cute but imagining myself engaging in it is kind of gross.
It's like seeing a piece of furniture you think is interesting but the thought of it being in your house makes you cringe.
I'm in love with an ace that doesn't want to be in a relationship. Love hurts so bad, I cry and stress about it way too often. I wish I was asexual sometimes so that I could focus on other things.
>>5459331
Hm? I don't mean to suggest that it really makes a difference, for you at least. I felt compelled to comment on the fact that I'm embarrassed that I can't perform a task you take for granted. The fact you dislike it so much encourages me a bit, at least. I don't feel like I'm missing out on much at all now.
The fact that you folks hate masturbating so much is interesting to me. I don't usually hear asexuals complaining about it so much. The impression I got was that it was a sort of guilty pleasure?
I got a date with a dude, who knows how the fuck this is going to work out.
>>5464525
Mmm, i dont feel guilty if i masturbate. It takes a lot of effort to get into it, then it takes a lot of effort to finish, and then i feel terrible about myself. It used to be that i also needed to do it constantly, because my libido was crazy! I'm talking at least once a day even when i was having sex with a partner. Thankfully i don't have a need to do any of that shit now.
>>5465596
>I got a date with a dude, who knows how the fuck this is going to work out
It can work out exactly the way you want it to. As the one who probably wants it less, you will have control over everything that happens if the dude has any kind of respect for consent. He's going to be asking for things and you can say yes or no at your whim, without having to feel guilty either way. It's a good feeling.
>>5454571
>>5453799
Turning someone down can be fun as hell, though. And it can be done in so many ways. My favorites are the ones where the person hitting on you hates himself afterward but thinks you did nothing wrong. Like when you go all Socratic and ask increasingly detailed questions about what he thinks he has to offer in a relationship, with a slight look of confusion on your face.
>>5455217
>Do you asexuals jerk of to porn?
Yes.
>How frequently do you do it?
2 a 3 times per day.
>Explain how asexuality works, I still don't quite get it.
I'm not sexually attractive to women in a sense that when I see a hot beautiful woman walking by I don't get any sexual feelings to her whatsoever.
But on the other hand I can fall in love with a woman even without me having any sexual feelings towards her.
Also, advertisments using the "sex sells" philosophy doesn't work for me :P
>so if your asexual, what do you madturbate to?
Well Jesus Christ I don't even know, you're supposed to maturbate to things? I don't even masturbate that often and I don't fucking know, what do you masterbate to?
>>5464502
If it makes you feel any better the sex would of awful and rare. It wouldn't have likely worked out anyway and be torturous all the while.
>>5464525
masturbation sucks for asexuals because they don't have a sexual preference. To add further insult to injury they are still afflicted with a libido and without a target to focus on you get stuck stewing in it. This causes many asexuals to masturbate despite the extra hurdles for being ace. So it becomes a very tedious annoying process but often a necessary one.
>>5466107
I hate it when people are unnecessarily cruel about it. I try to make it quick and clear.
>>5467257
I don't actually masturbate to anything in particular. I only do it help keep focused which makes things much easier. If only i had an actual fucking sexual preference it would make it unbelievably easier to do.
>>5467599
>>5467599
>If it makes you feel any better the sex would of awful and rare.
I've been thinking about that. I mean she said that she wouldn't want to have sex anyway, so that's most likely out of the question. Part of me would be willing to not have sex but still be close to her and care for each other, she really is the nicest person I've ever met. Another part of me would just want to have sex to see what it's like, it doesn't need to be a big part of my life in honesty, neither of us have ever tried it. I just have some stuff to think about, but thanks for the response.
Does anyone who masturbates experience orgasms(dopamine release I think)? Do you crave it? What would happen someone becomes addicted to that feeling?
>>5469315
>Does anyone who masturbates experience orgasms(dopamine release I think)?
Yeah, that happened when I finally had an orgasm. My teenage brain basically went into overdrive and said "I WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY ALL THE TIME"
>Do you crave it?
Yeah, I used to. I would basically have "withdrawal" symptoms where I would just want to have that feeling again if I didn't orgasm for about 3 days.
After a few months, I realized that I was basically addicted and went cold turkey for 40 days. When I came after that, I was kind of disappointed because my brain had been hyping the feeling for long.
>>5467599
>I hate it when people are unnecessarily cruel about it. I try to make it quick and clear.
When someone asks you out or hits on you, they're asking for something to which they fundamentally have no right, and most of them don't even understand that. Any amount of cruelty is justified if it brings them down a few pegs and makes them hesitate to make future unwanted advances against other people. The next time some mouth-breather chooses not to approach you in a bar and ask to do something disgusting to you, maybe it's because someone like me once told him off strongly enough to teach him a lesson.
>>5471431
you're disgusting. asking someone out is not the same as feeling entitled to them - that's why it's called "asking." sure, some people (usually straight men) feel entitled to romantic affection from their targets, but that's absolutely not true of all people, and cruel rejections don't remove the entitlement but more often transform it into /r9k/-style rage against women as a whole. you totally have the right to be cruel to people unwilling to accept "no" for an answer, but if you haven't actually tried a simple "no" then you're just finding excuses to be awful to people.
while three people i dated for too long whined when i first denied them, at least three strangers who've approached me for a date politely left me alone immediately after i rejected them, and my current partner made it explicitly clear when she asked me out that a "no" was okay. while i should've put my foot down on the first two, i'm very glad i didn't share your beliefs when dealing with the others.
>>5471519
#NotAllSexuals
And as disgusting as /r9k/ is, it's actually a sign of a fairly healthy system. In an earlier time, those guys would actually get into terrible relationships with women who couldn't say no and couldn't get out. In a culture that respects consent, there will inevitably be an pariah class of people who never get consented to. It's a good thing.
>>5471603
yeah, misogyny-based mass murder is much better than being hit on inappropriately. guess what, the entitlement comes from a society that tells straight men they deserve to "have" the woman they love, and your cruel rejections won't change the entitlement, just the actions driven by it.
anyway, go back to aven, ace supremacy doesn't belong here
>>5471621
So turning people down politely will make them not violent, is that your story? If anything, being polite to people makes them feel more entitled, because if people arte treating them with respect they must be wonderful people and deserving of anything they want. Unwanted people are always going to be desperate; the solution is to keep them from getting guns.
>>5471701
guess what, you can be firm without being cruel. i'm not saying your treatment of them will make things worse; i'm saying it won't make things any better because the entitlement comes from a much larger source than one individual. your cruelty has no purpose and thus you are just a cruel person looking for excuses for your cruelty.
preventing the huge amount of rejected straight men from having access to guns would require impossibly draconian measures - many will have no diagnosis of mental illness or actual arrests due to previous bouts of violence, so basic screenings won't cut it. and again, this has to do with straight men, not """sexuals""". misattribution of the issue helps no one.
>>5471621
And I wouldn't say I'm an ace supremacist. Sexual people who actually find someone to consent to their advances are just as good as the subset of aces who are getting whatever they want out of life. But on their way to finding someone they should be prepared to be shut down hard if they're dumb enough to blindly hit on someone they don't know the first thing about.
>>5471740
you act like all single non-asexual people hit on strangers in settings not conducive to it - that's really relatively rare except among certain straight men who weren't taught better. it happens in other demographics, but not often enough to be considered a general trait for the other gender/orientation combos. most people only hit on strangers at places meant to be dating/fucking grounds, and otherwise get to know the other person somewhat first.
>>5471737
You're the one who first brought up violence. It's not really a reason I'm cruel to people who try to hit on me. I do it because it's fun, it's my right to respond however I like to someone who makes such a personal and invasive request, and maybe it will make the person a little more shy and a little less likely to hit on people who don't enjoy having to say no.
>>5471762
you're still telling yourself your cruelty has purpose. just admit your only motivation is your own entertainment, stop hiding behind excuses.
>>5466002
Nope, i ended up cancelling because it seemed like he just wanted sex.
Can't get or keep a boyfriend or girlfriend.
>I'm Asexual (pretends not to be sad)
>>5472113
Hey, mind answering some questions for me? Thanks
>Do you feel that your post is unique (or, do you feel that this is the first time a post like this has appeared in /acegen/)?
>Do you except any person who identifies as asexual to reconsider who they are because of your post?
>It sounds like you view asexuality as a cheap excuse for being unable to have an intimate relationship. Does this offend you because you cannot keep a boyfriend or girlfriend yourself, and you obsesses about being alone constantly, and are offended that there are people out there who can be single and not be as bothered about it as you are?
I keep seeing a lot of people trying to say het aces aren't straight. I'm full ace, so I'm not sure if I can say, but if you're only going to have relationships with the opposite sex then would that not make you straight?
>>5475515
And this is why I refer to myself as "functionally straight", even though it's not entirely accurate.
>>5475515
they are asexual, not heterosexual, even if they are heteroromantic. among people who understand romantic orientation as its own thing, "straight" is generally taken to mean both heteroromantic & heterosexual, though considering there's people who call themselves ace lesbians i'm sure there's people who call themselves straight asexuals since it's clear what the lesbian/straight labels imply.
i'm just hesitant to automatically call heteroromantic non-heterosexuals "straight" because a lot of people use that as an excuse to say they don't belong in non-straight spaces, that they're assimilated with the oppressive enemy. yeah those are people with bad worldviews to begin with, but they have sway in some communities i care about.
>>5475515
"Straight" is generally interpreted as meaning heterosexual, which het aces aren't. Though calling them straight asexuals would eliminate that ambiguity.
>>5455217
>Do you asexuals jerk of to porn?
Not me. I find porn to be gross and degrading. I can't even visit most red boards without gagging. I'll mention that 2D stuff doesn't bother me, though it doesn't do anything for me either.
>Or do you guys even jerk off at all?
I used to masturbate maybe a couple times a week when I was a teenager. I'm 29 now and I go months without feeling any urge to masturbate.
>tfw you will never find a person that you love and will want to be in a sexless relationship
Fuck me, just give me a house with 100 cats and dementia already.
>tfw not sure if asex or bisex
>tfw complicated by never having been in a relationship
>tfw made out w both women and men but never made it much further
>>5475515
Anyone who doesn't exclusively desire to sex or date the opposite sex is not hetero/straight
Maybe complicated by latent bisexuals who only sex and date straight idk
>>5458541
>Have you tried communicating how you feel about this to her?
Yeah, did it yesterday. Then she told me the reason she was going on about it was because she doesn't actually think asexuality is even real and all aces are just demis in denial who don't even try and have shit self-esteem.
Dropped her like a rock. Hope she doesn't get involved in any communities because it's shit enough that demis erase aces so much to begin with.
>>5480232
This feel, I know it well.
Acebro here with a question about masterbation. I've never masterbated before in my life because, well, I've never desired too. But I've read some comments that you should for reasons whatever.
Thoughts?
>>5482468
It's a good sleep aid if you want to exhaust yourself so you can take a nap
>>5482468
There's apparently studies saying masturbation can help reduce the risk of prostate cancer, but I don't think they're really conclusive. And I've heard rumors that not masturbating can either raise or lower your testosterone level. Probably not really a big deal one way or the other though.
>>5482866
It sure is, fapping is the easiest way to get to sleep at night.
are there any good printable resources about self-care or setting/respecting boundaries in non-sexual relationships? everything i find just focuses on sexual consent and it'd be awkward to share with, say, family members
>>5488673
Why would you need such a thing shared with family? The AVEN FAQ for family is pretty okay for a primer.
I find the idea of sex gross and repulsive right up until I am actually having it. However, sometimes, even during sex I'm grossed by it. What's up with that
>>5489204
because familial relationships can be just as toxic as romantic ones without being totally abusive & worth abandoning. i didn't know aven had anything like that, unless you're talking about something specifically to do with coming out as asexual.
>>5491671
Why would an asexual need different family boundaries to a sexual? You don't sleep with your parents. If you're being sexually abused by family you're going to need a different sort of help...
>>5491688
it has nothing to do with me being asexual, i was just hoping that an asexual space might know of resources for this that aren't centered around sex, because everywhere else sure doesn't seem to.
>>5491688
also you seem to misunderstand - i want something that talks about boundaries without acting like the only important time they're relevant is in a sexual relationship. there are a lot of things saying they discuss healthy boundaries that all turn out to be "sexual consent is important!" without much else, and it would be really fucking weird to give something like that to your parents, whom you're not having sex with & thus the boundaries they violate are not sexual ones.
>>5491945
"Everything not to do with sex" is a very broad category. It would be nice if not wanting sex made us masters of all things sexless, like carpentry and accounting, but it is not so.
I can only guess that if your family sucks but falls short of being actually abusive, either get professional help or start seizing control of the family dynamic. Make it so you're not just worrying about taking care of yourself while giving away everything you don't need; start using whatever leverage you have to make sure you receive more than you give away.
>>5491955
>boundaries
You keep using that word. What keeps happening that you need to stop? Your family romancing you? Them bugging you about marriage? Not letting you get a tattoo? Putting a curfew in place?
If you're an adult just talk to them, if you aren't you shouldn't be on this site
>>5491970
it's actually not me currently having this issue - my parents got a lot better once my mum went to therapy & learned this shit there. we have issues but we're able to discuss them civilly. it's my friend whose parents are awful. they still work as a team to downplay his reservations about their behavior and insist that they know best, but he's reluctant to cut them out entirely both for normal reasons and because they've actually learned & changed in some ways when he's given them outside sources of info that aren't biased by coming directly from him (the opinions they hold without backing them up with data are unbiased until proven otherwise, of course).
i honestly think he should spend more time apart from them, but y'know it's his decision to make, and i want to help him in other ways if i can.
>>5381677
i have had some sexual experience, whit multiple ppl, male and female, and i didn't enjoy any.
but, i masturbate to very kinky stuff daily
am i asexual?
>>5492700
>I have had some sexual experience with multiple white people
>white people
you see, that's your problem
>>5491970
Boundaries are simply social constructs meant to shut out the other in the construction of a parochial narrative of internalized hegemony
>>5492711
not all where white. why you say so?
>>5492720
>whit multiple ppl
Sorry I thought you were misspelling "multiple white people"
>>5492716
lol
>>5492018
>they've actually learned & changed in some ways
This is the false promise that always keeps enablers going. The illusion of progress is always there if you want to see it. Right before someone dies of an overdose or otherwise goes irrevocably off the deep end, their last communication with people is very often a resolve to change their ways or even gratitude to people who are helping them to change their ways. The truth is that people hardly ever really change. Trusting in someone to get better is setting yourself up for disappointment.
>>5494425
sometimes people do change, and sometimes you can incentivize them to change if you have something they want, e.g. your time & emotional labor. i don't think my friend's case is totally hopeless, and he isn't the sort who will try to hold on forever. i've known serious abusers and his parents could easily be different, and also he knows enough about self-care and mental health that he will eventually decide something is the last straw - he's already done this in other situations.
>>5494472
Sometimes people win the lottery, too, but it's still a bad idea because it's so unlikely. Something can be not totally hopeless but still not worth wasting your time and resources on.
Why do asexuals "come out?"
"Everybody! I'm celibate!"
In what culture would they murder you for that? When in history was that illegal? I don't understand.
>>5495528
I don't follow. Do you only have to tell people what you are when it's taboo and you're going to be endangering your life for it? If it's something everybody will be cool with, of course you'll tell people.
>>5495541
You can tell them, but you're not, or are never, hiding in a closet! See my logic
>>5495571
And let me guess, it hurts you so much that sometimes people use a known metaphor for telling people about their sexuality. The only one feigning victimhood here is you.
>>5495629
Just saying you aren't closeted.
>>5495528
Even if you say that your parents will still pressure you to find a marriage love and make creepy little screaming babies
>>5445987
Just saying that if your brain would go out of your way to conveniently forget and rationalize away any event... sexual abuse is pretty damn well near the top.
It's the kind of thing abusers and others in denial go out of their way to cover up and dismiss to a young kid, too.
It's not always just as simple as "If it happened, I'd clearly remember." Memory is tricky in that way.
>>5495718
I'm really not sure whether or not my obese school psychologist raped or molested me as a kid
I do think it's likely but I actually don't know whether or not it happened. A lot of kids got called into his office over the loud speaker at random times of day and came back to class crying so idk
why don't you fags just call this shit celibacy like it always was instead of some modern term for made up bullshit
No human can be asexual, it's scientifically impossible.
>>5495846
There are different definitions of asexual
>>5495846
Weak b8, but I'll bite.
Celibacy is consciously and purposefully abstaining from sex.
Asexuality (in terms of orientation) is lack of sexual attraction towards anyone.
You don't know what science is. It exists in otherwise healthy, normal, socially functional, hormonally balanced, non-traumatized adult humans. Children start out asexual, some might have/show/emulate romantic tendencies or derive pleasure through stimulation but not sexual attraction.
>asexual thread ^_^ let's be inclusive!
>I hate it when people say some day i'll want to have sex. it makes me feel poopy!
>hey guys have you ever not want to have sex? wow
>the asexual struggle
>people implying we might be confused
so oppressed >_<
>>5496279
What about all those 'asexuals' who say they can be attracted to people but just don't fantasize about having sex with them.
>>5495502
that's for him to decide, not me. and this would be a useful resource in general. i know people i'd kind of want to give it to just thinking off the top of my head
>>5495655
why not? we're still hiding a part of ourselves from others to avoid social stigma. it's not as bad as coming out as gay since people will either think we're straight and delusional (or sometimes gay and delusional, which can be dangerous), and we don't have to hide any relationships with other people in order to stay closeted, so for some people it's not as difficult to hide, but some people find being honest about themselves important, especially if it helps keep others from pursuing them sexually & sometimes romantically. i don't see why it's inappropriate to use the closet terminology when that's taken into account.
>>5496562
there are attractions other than sexual ones, dude. romantic and aesthetic attraction exist
>>5495718
Yeah but this sort of "assume it happened even though there's literally no evidence" really starts to verge into conspiracy theory territory, when there's plenty of other potential explanations of asexuality such as it being genetic or some kind of malfunction in sexual development during puberty and so on.
I'm not trying to stick a label on myself, but at the same time I am very confused about my sexuality and it would comfort me if I could work out what it is.
I've only ever experienced aesthetic attraction to others. I have and still masturbate on occasion, but I don't do it whilst watching or thinking of anything, and I've never felt sexually aroused beforehand, I just go through the motions till I reach, or don't achieve climax. I use it as a coping mechanism for stress.
I have had a sexual relationship (without penetrative sex) before in which I discovered that anything beyond heavy kissing makes me feel uncomfortable. Whilst I did force myself to do the sexual acts that partner wanted to engage in at the time, I disliked every minute of it. Although it was good to learn what my own limits are.
I have stayed single since breaking that relationship off, and I've recently been thinking that so long as they respected my own personal boundaries in regards to intimacy, I wouldn't care about that persons gender, as I have experienced aesthetic attraction to both female and males in a roughly equal amount.
And that is pretty much all the relevant information, I think. So can anyone help me figure out what my sexuality is?
>>5499148
some people like to equate levels of being oppressed with levels of purity & righteousness, thus people who are less oppressed are less legitimate in general. it's a viewpoint often linked with tumblr, but you see it on 4chan all the time too.
is there even any point in adding yourself to a map with 5 markers total on it?
>>5499435
Yes, so it becomes 6 and eventually 7 and so on and so forth
>>5498403
You sound like a repulsed asexual to me. Do you think you experience romantic attraction?
>>5505903
>Do you think you experience romantic attraction?
Well I mean I've never been in love before, so I'm not sure, but I'd like to think I'm capable of it. I do desire to have a monogamous, long term relationship.
Whats a repulsed asexual? I was molested as a child if that explains anything.
>>5381677
>http://www.asexualexplorations.net/home/extantresearch.html
>TFW your own source says there isn't much proof that asexuality exists
>>5506080
>There is little evidence about the prevalence of absence of sexual attraction, or the characteristics of people reporting this, often labelled asexuals.
Are you referring to this? Yeah, it basically says there hasn't been much research done on it so far. It's a fairly new topic in terms of academic research, the fact that people don't have sex has obviously been known for a while, but looking at it as an orientation is relatively new.
Asking my wife has come out and told me she is asexual. Now seriously how is this marriage going to work. Sexless marriage or start getting some on the side?
>>5506488
The only way to find out is to ask.
>>5506488
It's really something that you have to work out with her. What works best really depends on the person.
>>5506488
many marriages end up sexless despite there being no asexual among the two. Have fun cause your fucked and not in the way you would like it. Sucks you got married to her before finding out.
>>5506488
ditch the broad.
It's hard cause I do love her but how long can one go without having sex with your partner?
>>5514182
forever? i don't really get these questions. like theoretically i understand that some people can't do poly relationships or feel the need to have sex with all romantic partners, but i don't get why such people try to date ace people in the first place (unless you're the married guy who didn't know till after). if you need some form of sex to be happy that you won't get in your relationship, break it off already. if you're the married guy, of course try actual communication first. not all asexual people are sex-repulsed - some will have sex because they don't care & their partner enjoys it. others don't mind their partner having sex on the side. you won't know until you ask.
My gf came out to me as asexual. (Is fine even though i'm sexual, tbdesu)
Is there anything I could do for her regarding that ? I mean, apart from the obvious not-having-sex. (We've already discussed boundaries/things she is and isn't confortable with. Do asexual people want specific act/things (which I am not necessarily aware of) ?)
>>5514927
Don't let it destroy all intimacy. As I'm sure you're aware, her coming out doesn't at all have to spell the end of the relationship, or some aspects. You can still be intimate by cuddling and such. I can't think of anything in particular than an ace person may want that a non-ace may not want (as much).
How are you supposed to get over a girl when she's literally the only person you've ever been attracted to?
>>5516160
Because think of what you'll become if you don't. A sad sack, and also kind of delusional. This chick isn't actually unique in any meaningful way. Treating her the way you treat everyone else in the universe would not be uncalled for.
>>5516180
I can act normally around her and treat her like any other person, I just don't feel normal around her. I think I still love her.
It's hard to approach the problem proactively. I can't even jerk off to relieve my tension.
How do u find good stick figure
>>5516204
If you only think you do, then you don't. You probably mostly feel belittled for not getting what you want. If you really loved her, then the most important thing would be what she wants and not your own feelings.
>>5516270
I don't think she owes me anything, and I don't want to change her mind. I want to move on, but I'm not sure how.
Would you be okay with your SO fucking other people? Would you care if they were slutty or would you want them to have just one partner?
>>5517462
she already does, & i know her well enough to trust her to be safe about it so i don't care. i care more about the time she spends at other people's places - it's honestly the same sort of irrational jealousy i get when my friends hang out without me so i try to rationalize & dismiss it
I get incredibly horny when I get high. Like, want to fuck everybody in the room, ride a train on me horny.
But I can't get high anymore :( My job is federally regulated.
Otherwise, there's nothing going on down there. My pussy is a dead area, no signals in or out. No attraction, no desire.
Anyway, any other aces get horny when they are fucked up?
>>5520290
goddamn, where you at? i'll get you high and then gangbang you all by myself
>>5520290
Why would you WANT to be? I thought the general concensus here was that being horny is annoying
>>5521510
because being high is worth it, most likely
it would be/is for me
>>5505977
Repulsed means that you dislike sex. I'm an asexual who isn't repulsed. I've had sex before and it wasn't terrible or anything, I just don't have the desire to go out of my way to do it. Definitely "duty sex".
>>5520290
I've had that happen to me before! It was very weird. We should get together sometime. ;)
>>5521510
Being randomly horny with no reason or outlet is annoying. Only happens qu'en in fucked up. Any other time it happens, it's an anomaly.
>>5522981
Nice! Good to know other aces out there experience the same!
>tfw not sure if asexual or just so depressed and numbed by meds that you don't like sex
>>5522981
I wouldn't say I'm repulsed but I've never had sex before. Are you male? Asking because I am. I feel it would be harder for me to test this because the man needs to do the 'doing' ie the actual sexing. And when you're asexual these things don't come easily.
>>5517790
>>5517462
The jealousy isn't always irrational. If your partner can get the primary thing they want out of a relationship with someone else, you've become superfluous. Why should they even bother keeping you around if you're going to be all take and no give? This is why I tough it out and have sex with people I want to keep in my life even though I find it boring.
>>5525419
SHHH TAKE MORE SOMA
>>5527032
that's ridiculous logic and only valid if your partner is an awful person who abandons their friends for sexual relationships. sure, non-sexual romantic partners are different from friends, but if they value any non-sexual relationships there's no reason to assume they won't respect the one they have with you. also assuming the primary thing anyone could want from a relationship is sex is pretty sad.
>>5527061
I'm saying that nobody but us wants non-sexual romantic partners, certainly not while they're in their sex-having years. If they're not fucking you you're lucky if they can bother to see you every few months. The people they do and don't fuck are treated completely differently. If we want someone who'll actually share a life with us, our options are to find other asexuals, who are very few and frankly no better than any other tiny sample of strangers, or to take a little extra effort to keep our favorite people in our lives by giving them the sex that they want from a life partner. Sex is a chore, yes, but an adult should be willing to do some chores.
>>5527119
i can tell you right now this is completely untrue for me. my partner and i have been living together for over a year now, and she shows just as much dedication to our relationship as my close friends do. i'm sorry you've had such bad experiences, but they're not universal.
>turning people down because you're afraid a nonsexual relationship not working out
Threadly reminder that your Tumblr-tier "sexuality" is treatable with vitamins and any garden variety sex therapist. There's no A in LGBT.
>>5529943
Thanks for the bump m8
>>5527146
>she shows just as much dedication to our relationship as my close friends do
So she sees you as a friend. Good for you if that's what you want.
>>5530129
she doesn't, but you seem very convinced that all is hopeless, so i doubt there's anything i can do to get you to believe me.
>>5530149
You're the one who compared her to your friends. If that's not an apt comparison, that one's on you.
>>5530207
>she cares about me like my family does
>oh, so it's not a real relationship, she just sees you as a sibling
>>5529943
Asexuality isn't just a lack of sex drive. It's about the target of sexual attraction, same as being gay is. If a sex therapist has found a way to cure it, that would be pretty impressive though I still wouldn't really be interested since being asexual isn't hurting me in any meaningful way.
>>5529943
>Tumblr-tier
Oh come on, we're not that bad
>>5383435
Iktf. Never in my life have I even thought about sex when fapping, (nor liked the actual act obviously), but somehow, I still do have weird-ass fetishes that make no fucking sense. It's not a speshul snowflake thing, it's a matter of not being compatible with most people, which sucks.
I'm new to this general and haven't read the thread, sorry, but I have a question.
How hard is dating as asexual? If I made an okcupid profile and said on it I don't care for sex, will anyone actually talk to me?
>>5531398
It depends on if you have anything else to offer. We do exist, so you might as well try.
Also, if you're a woman, you're going to get flooded with messages from men who didn't read your profile well enough or just have no self-respect or ability to evaluate their own needs. With the latter kind of people, it can be fun to fuck with them a little. You can just make increasingly unreasonable demands of them and see how long it takes for them to stand up for themselves and say you're not right for them. Usually it takes an amusingly long time. Like with that girl who made a fake profile and kept asking guys to get mermaid tattoos and let her pull out their teeth.
>>5535198
>It depends on if you have anything else to offer.
o-oh...
So I'm ace, guys. Am I going to die alone? Because I am not aromantic and perfectly capable of loving people romantically.
>>5543344
If you don't get yourself out there and into the dating scene, yes.
And probably also a yes if you aren't capable of compromising and having sex, unless you find an asexual partner
>>5543344
many say yes unless you're willing to fuck, i say (from experience) not if you're lucky
>>5535198
>Also, if you're a woman, you're going to get flooded with messages from men who didn't read your profile well enough or just have no self-respect or ability to evaluate their own needs.
...Just end my life, senpai.
Ntp, but for the past couple of months or so I've been getting these impulses here and there to create an account. When I brought it up with my bestie (who is also ace) back in the late summer, she told me the exact same thing that you just said. Completely turned me off it.
...For a few months. And now, here I am again, feeling a nearly-overwhelming desire to hold someone as I fall asleep at night. It doesn't help that I keep waking up from these romantic dreams of people that don't exist, people that I invent within the duration of my dreams in an attempt to fill the emptiness I feel in my waking life. And in the morning, I'm left with just that--a feeling, with no target for me to cast it upon. Yet... It feels so real...
So. Should do it? Should I put up with the online dating abuse and harassment and put myself out there? I've been considering my chances recently, and I've realized that there's no way that I'm going to find someone that a)I'm attracted to, b)shares my interests, AND c)is asexual, purely coincidentally.
I dunno, though, online dating? Eugh... I don't even like irl dating, will this make me even more romance-repulsed than I already am?
>>5454646
I have a really close friend who I sometimes cuddle with and hold hands with when we go places. She's aro ace and even though ppl think were dating its still nice to have someone to have physical contact with.
>>5455124
ok i have the exact same experience, im ace too and my two /previously/ ace friends started to date each other and he keep on talking to me abt how great sex is and how big his dick is and all this shit and im like please stop please. its even worse cause i had a bit of a crush on one of them.
>>5455217
I really like art and anatomy (i know it sounds kinda cringy) so i have a pretty big collection of very specific 2D fetish art but normal porn does nothing for me. I masturbate about 3 times a month sometimes less, its mostly before my period cause fuck hormones. I had sex once and it sucked and I had to fake an orgasm so I didn't hurt their feelings.
So I'm in treatment for alcohol abuse and its going really well I was quite motivated to quit drinking. However at the same time when I quit drinking I started realizing I felt really depressed and that's why I started drinking so much in the first place.
I've been in and out of mental institutions since I was 18 and I've never really been completely honest with my therapists, especially when its come down to talking about sex.
In my family we've never talked about sex at all not even about why I've never brought home girlfriends or boyfriends when I was younger and in my circle of friends they were pretty late developed and not "players" so it took a long while before we started talking about sex as well.
So through my history of therapy I've always pushed anxiety and depression to the forefront and avoided talking about sex and relationships and this time around it dawned on me that I couldn't really expect any proper treatment if I wasn't completely open even if it was really difficult for me.
So I started opening up about that side. I'm not repulsed by the thought of sex, I masturbate quite frequently and I watch a lot of porn.
I've never gotten hard just by looking at anyone/seeing someone I thought were hot, and I never self-insert in the porn I'm watching. If I'm just watching porn I don't get hard, I have to manually stimulate myself to get hard.
I deduced it down to three causes. Chemical, neurological or psychological. The woman I go to treatment with agreed that this might be things to check out.
One of the problems is that the treatment I'm currently in is simply baseline for drugs and alcohol related issues, the woman I'm seeing has no formal title she just offers "treatment" under a larger umbrella system for people that have more addictive problems (which I didn't).
So bot she and I agree that I have to seek a different type of treatment in this process and I have to speak with my doctor about this.
cont.
>>5546457
My doctor brushed of there being a neurological reason for this, but we did some blood tests and she wrote reference to another psychiatric hospital. (Healthcare is almost absolute public here and you have to be referred for almost all treatments, including psychiatry/psychological treatment even private institutions demand a referral from doctors most of the time).
The blood tests came out normal, all except my t-levels which were exceptionally high. They were at 950 nmg and according to my doctor they should be at 400-500.
She was quite surprised when she discovered that I had little to no body hair as she was expecting me to be covered in a rug at those levels. She then wrote a referral to an endocrinologist to get a specialist opinion on the values.
At the same time therapy is basically turning into my lack of motivation and that only I can change things. Since my alcohol problem isn't really there anymore we both agree that there's not much to gather there and I have to think of what I need help with.
I keep saying that I need help with figuring out this sexuality thing and she keeps saying that there's nothing they can do for me on that clinic. They do however have a psychologist in the clinic and we book her for our next appointment.
I get to meet up with the psychologist alone and its pretty great, I speak about things I've never spoken about in therapy before. A session is usually 45 minutes here, and near the end of it she basically tells me that she thinks I'm asexual and that I just need to come to terms with that.
cont.
>>5546460
This depresses the hell out of me, I've never felt asexual and the thought that there is no help to get and I just have learn to accept being asexual really sets me back.
Soon after I get a rejection letter from the other psychiatric hospital saying they think I get proper treatment already. A day after that I get a rejection letter from the endocrinologist saying they see no reason to look at my blood values.
All of this leaves me pretty suicidal and I have to keep going to therapy to hear how great it is that I managed to quit drinking and I should pat myself and the shoulder.
So how do you know you're really asexual?
>>5546465
it seems weird that they wouldn't want to look at your blood values if your t levels are so high. do you think they might be being negligent?
is it the thought of being asexual that makes you suicidal? if so, what about it causes you so much distress?
>>5546465
Why does the thought of being asexual cause you to get suicidal?
From what you've said you sound asexual. There really isn't much more to say. I'm fairly certain that you are, and as you've been told, you just need to come to terms with that. Just learn to accept yourself for who you are.
>>5544011
>>5544212
Thanks anons. My relationship with my sexual ex didn't work out. He had a high (what's normal for sexuals anyway?) sex drive, he wanted sex every day, and I felt pressured. He ended up cheating on me.
I don't want an open relationship, so I feel like my only real options are fellow asexuals or sexuals with a really low libido. I'm considering signing up for a dating site for people like that.
so i'm attracted to guys but i fucking hate sex
am i asexual?
>>5555921
No. Not if you're sexually attracted to guys.
>tfw women are just as sex-obsessed as men
For a while, I really believed that myth that it was just men that thought about sex all the time, and that women were just naive and ignorant to it all.
I talked to my mom today and she told me my dad is just like me. She said that in my dad's first marriage he didn't have sex with his wife until they had already been married for a while. And he and my mom barely ever had sex.
I talked to my brother about this too and he said he doesn't have much interest either and experiences ED
It feels nice knowing I'm not alone. I wonder how hereditary this is.
>>5558414
If I'm understanding you right, I think I went through the same thing. I thought since I was a girl, not having an interest in sex was normal. Though my friends throughout life always teased me for not having crushes like they did.
I had a wakeup call at around seventeen.
>>5558414
I have personally found that for men the horniness is steady but constant. While women it can fluctuate wildly and is never constant. With men as they get older it gradually decreases at a steady rate. I can't say for certain with women as they get older I met some who actually somehow grew hornier while others decreased to the point of being null. Haven't been able to make sense of their libido as they age.
