/lgbt/, I'm kind of in a bind here. My boyfriend said he'd cheat on me.
I've been dating this guy for about 3 months now. Unlike most lgbt people he's been willing to take things slow and hasn't been trying to fuck after the first date.
Anyways we were talking about sex, condoms or no condoms, getting std tests done ( he offered to pay) and so on. At which point he asks me:
> " In what circumstance would you cheat on me? "
> " and don't say none because everyone has either thought about it or done it at some point. "
> " I won't judge you or be angry about whatever you say "
I came up with 3 situations.
1. I'm not getting what I want out of the relationship. If I were really frustrated and perhaps drunk, I could see myself making a bad choice before vocalizing or breaking up.
2. If he did something beyond the pale to piss me off. We're talking Hiroshima levels of rage.
3. I was star struck. Everyone has that one celebrity crush they'd make an exception for.
I then said all these would be valid reasons for him to cheat too. I mean, it would still be shitty and unacceptable, but I could understand it, even if we'd still break up.
Then he tells me there is only one instance where he would cheat:
> " My best friend. If she ever asked me to sleep with her, I would, no questions. "
> " I owe her an immense debt. It can't be paid with money or favors. "
Now, I was a bit upset about this. My situations were fantasy that would never happen. His is a real person he knows and has a solid relationship with. He told me not to worry because:
1. She's not into him sexually. She'd never ask.
2. She knows a request like (While he is with someone) that would be the end of their friendship.
But that's not a vote of confidence. His circumstance involves a real person he sees regularly. She's his best friend.
He says he understands it's a hard situation and that if I can't handle it he understands. I don't understand how he can be so casual about it.
>>5357372
Bottom line he was talking about honor.
Specifically that the only thing which would compel him to break a bond of love is a stronger bond. U mad he has a stronger bond with his platonic friend. The solution is not to pout about it. Make your bond with your BF stronger. He sounds like a good man.
Also, chilling out would help the rship. You sound high-strung tbQh fagfam.
>>5357404
I understand it is about honor. To be specific she kind of helped him through a tough time, when he had no friends. He was struggling a lot, hated himself and his life, was suicidal. I understand it was hard for him, and in a way she likely saved his life.
But I can't help but be bothered by the fact that he essentially said he'd let someone he isn't romantically involved with destroy a romantic relationship he has with someone else. That on a whim, he would commit infidelity.
The examples I thought of required extreme emotional and mental instability, or a celebrity (the type of person neither of us are ever likely to meet in our lifetime, let alone get to fuck) . They required being pushed to a breaking point.
His is literally some girl saying " Hey, have sex with me, pretty please? " .
I owe my mother and father an immeasurable debt, I still wouldn't fuck either of them for anything.
>>5357423
Right. I understand what you're upset about. I think you do, too. You're just having trouble processing it and moving forward in a healthy direction.
If a guy said to any single faggot here, I would NEVER cheat except if forced to by a life debt of honor and it's never going to happen IRL anyway... they would all have their mouths on your honorable BF right now.
You could push him away with this pissy attitude. If I were him I'd be distant too after this dust up. Hearing your standard issue, less reassuring answers wouldn't help. He asked you to TEST your honor. Accept the situation with maturity. Be gracious. Work to strengthen your bond with him. I can't make this more clear. It's on you to do the work.
>>5357372
Your answers were shit, too. I guess you deserve each other.
If you're still not happy, break it up now, rather than letting it consume you and making both of you miserable.
>>5357519
I disagree. I think my answers were more than reasonable. Being pushed to do extreme things in extreme situations is reasonable. Doing things because a pair of tits asked nicely isn't reasonable.
>>5357863
You kidding me? Your answers are WAY worse than his ONE answer. You literally said basically you'd cheat on him if you were drunk and pissed off at him.
>My situations were fantasy that would never happen.
Except all three of those things could happen, 1 and 2 pretty easily so. Not to mention what counts as 'beyond the pale pissed off' and 'not getting what I want out of the relationship' are completely subjective. I would infinitely moreso understand his answer to yours.
>ask an obviously no good answer question
>"I won't judge or be angry at you!"
>get mad when you don't get a good answer
> "when would you cheat?"
> tell him when you would cheat
> "MY BOYFRIEND SAYS HE'LL CHEAT ON ME!"
Are you some kind of fucking woman?
>>5358055
Fucking soot on mate, maybe you should go date OPs boyfriend for him
>>5358055
In the first situation, of not getting what I want out of the relationship, I mean emotionally, physically, ect. That is, after talking about things/trying things there are no resolutions yet and everyone is just miserable. I've had this happen before and seen it happen before, and it's usually the last stage before either a breakup or a reaffirmation of prior commitments. A sink or swim moment.
Thing is those situations are hard. I could see myself, if put in that situation, after months of brooding/dissatisfaction, going out with friends, getting wasted, and waking up after a blackout and regretting a lot.
It isn't a " oh I'm not happy atm I'm a go cheat". It's pretty much " the relationship is already dead, may as well fuck myself up and give me a real reason to be miserable. "
In terms of being seriously pissed, he'd have to do something insane, like kill my dog, fuck my sister/cheat on me, or murder someone. This isn't a " Oh god I told you to put the spoons away like this a million times why can't you listen" thing.
Lastly, Tons upon tons of people have that one celebrity they would fuck if given the chance, regardless of other commitments. Men and women alike are like this.
His reason is literally " A girl was nice to me, and she asked politely, I have no choice. "
>>5358070
God damn you're a hell of a piece of shit. Leave your bf he deserves someone better.
>>5357372
>everyone has either thought about it or done it at some point.
This is what cheaters actually believe.
why did you even have this conversation? there is no fucking way it could have ended happily. this isn't something you're ever going to be able to forget or get over.
(speaking from experience, my ex told me he masturbated over our friends (apparently everybody does it(!)) and I never got over it and it ruined what was quite a nice relationship)
>>5358077
Literally how am I a bad person?
> Me: If put in an extreme position, I could see myself doing extreme things I wouldn't consider otherwise.
> Him: I owe a debt of honor which cannot be repaid by coin or deed. Only my eternal loyalty and servitude can suffice.
In what way is he the reasonable one here?
I'd cheat on you if I saw you using anime images on a Sikkimese ambergris harvesting forum.
His side of things:
>someone who would never want me
Your side of things:
>if you were drunk
>if you were annoyed with the relationship
>if you were angry
>if you met a celebrity
>>5358109
Correction.
My side:
> If the relationship was pretty much dead and we'd been dragging it through the mud for ages, and I decided to get blackout drunk to punish myself.
> If he did something so reprehensible that sane reactions were impossible and I act in a moment of blind rage.
> If I met a very specific celebrity, and that celebrity was willing to fuck me. Nevermind the fact that this celebrity is straight and will never have homosex with me, not only in this universe, but any alternate one as well.
His side:
> At the whim of a girl he has a deeply close and personal relationship with. A girl he spends tons of time with. A person whose relationship with him is borderline intimate in terms of friendship.
Yeah, sorry. My far fetched situations that are damned near apocalyptic, or his female friend who is within arms distance at a given moment?
>>5358070
You get to oversimplify HIS choices, while its fair to jump through hoops to try (and fail) to justify your own? When literally all of your reasons are based around pleasing yourself, and his is based on honoring a friendship deeply important to him? That would cost him that very friendship in the process? And all over some chick who isn't even attracted to him?
After you pressured him into picking a response you weren't going to be happy with no matter what he said? You realize how dumb this whole thing is? You've harmed his trust in you- Not just in terms of fidelity but in that he can be honest with you when you ask him to be. It's like when a person tells their partner "What kinks are you into I won't judge you can tell me annYYYTHINGG!" then the partner does and they condemn the person for anything they personally aren't into- All while expected their own needs to be catered to.
I'm not trying to be an asshole. I get you're upset and this isn't the kind of thing I'd want to hear out of the blue either. But that's why I don't back my partners into corners with questions there aren't any right answers to. Personally I would apologize to him for asking the question in the first place, apologize for getting upset with him for being honest when that's EXACTLY what you asked for. If you're going to hold this against him, or worse, USE it against him, end the relationship now.
Learn a lesson from this. Don't ask what you don't want to know, and don't force your partner into a corner where they can't do anything but disappoint you.
>>5358147
You seem to misunderstand something.
HE asked me this question, not the other way around. He's the one who decided to make it a topic of discussion.
>>5357372
fuck you sound whiny as hell i'd leave you in a heartbeat. just break it off before you hurt yourself you damn spinster
>>5358143
just trying to get you to see his point here, if someone said to me the things you said to me I'd feel like shit. if you really care about him that much why are you talking to us and not him?
>>5358165
I see, my apologies as far as that goes, then. It's a bit weirder and still a really stupid discussion to have. I don't have enough context to know just how weird it is but that is a question you want to get the fuck out of ASAP, and never ask. If he's gay, I still wouldn't worry about it. If he's bi, still wouldn't worry about it as much but I would worry about the fact he's a big enough dumbass to bring it up. Long story short? Your answers are shit. His answers are shit. Because literally any answer to this question is shit. If it really bothers you I'd just tell him if it comes to that for him you just want him to break up with you. That you respect he's honor bound to do it but it's not fair to bring you into it. If you still can't get over it, break up now as >>5358083 says.
"When would you cheat"
"Does my ass look fat in this"
"Which of my friends would you fuck"
and usually "Which celebrities would you fuck?"
all bad questions. avoid them. I'll just straight up 'nope' the fuck out because them pissy over me noping out (which honestly if they get pissy over dumb questions like these it would make ME reconsider the relationship) is inifinitely easier to deal with than whatever my honest answers would make them
>>5358213
Because I'm bored, can't sleep, and he doesn't seem to have a problem. He took my answer and was ok with it.
As far as he's concerned, as long as he's verbal and decent I'll never have a reason to cheat, and so I won't. Which is the truth.
I'm the one who has an issue with his answer. The problem is I can't be too hostile or forward about that because I can't try to put a wedge between him and her right now.
I mean, how am I not supposed to be upset about that answer though?
If he's drinking/getting high, and wants company, he doesn't call our other mutual friends, he calls her.
If he's going to an event or doing something, he'll call her to come along.
Just wanting to hang out? He'll call her.
He cooks a lot as a hobby. When he makes something new he'll call her to try it.
She needs spotted 20 bucks? He'll do it.
She needs help with something? He'll do it.
She's upset about something personal, he'll spend hours texting/calling/visiting with her to get her through it.
She could call at 3 fucking AM with a problem, and he would wake up and go get her without so much as a gripe.
And this is the person, the one exception, he'd cheat with. Don't get me wrong, he takes me along for all those things too. I'm sure if I called him in the middle of the night, he'd show up. But it doesn't put me at ease that he essentially said he'd break our relationship for her, when she's so close to him. It essentially adds a 3rd party to our relationship, and crazy competition for me.
What's more is that she doesn't expect that level of repayment. She did help him through a very tough time, but she did it out of kindness. She doesn't expect him to hold a debt or go out of his way in extraordinary measures. If she knew that he felt that way, she'd likely correct him. The idea that he owes her a debt is entirely in his head.
>>5358240
you're either going to have to get over this or leave him, by the sounds of it she's a good friend and he's trying to be a good friend back.
>competition
is he bi? you still havent answered this. you're not in a relationship with the both of them, you're in a relationship with him, there isn't any competition.
you've been with this guy for three months, this should still be the fun doing stupid shit stage. have you tried to be friends with her? if you're jealous of the time they spend together try to spend more time with him.
>>5358255
The bi issue is difficult. He says he isn't with me, but claims to be bi to friends and straight to his family. We live in a fairly rural area, and his family are all devout christians. So being obscure about his sexuality makes sense. All the porn on his computer is gay though, for what it's worth. If he has any room for feelings toward a woman, I assume it's entirely taken up by her. So I'm not entirely concerned. I just get anxious.
As for the time they spend together, a lot of the time we spend together is also with her, so her and I are kind of defacto friends. He doesn't hang out with her alone anymore unless I'm tied up elsewhere.
Thing is that he feels so strongly for her, it's hard to distinguish it from being romantic. It kind of hurts to know all she has to do is ask, and he'd sleep with her, even if he's 100% gay and probably wouldn't enjoy it.
I mean, it's also kind of comforting. It's not like he'd ever have a romantic relationship with her. It's weird to view sex in a platonic way, but if it were to happen, it'd likely be the closest thing to platonic sex.
It almost doesn't bother me, really. If he were to fuck her, I don't think I'd be mad about the sex itself. It's that she's so close to him, the proximity. She has a relationship with him I don't. The one thing I hold exclusively, the one thing she doesn't have, is the sexual aspect of our relationship, the intimacy.
Realizing that the only reason I have that exclusivity though, is because she chooses not to have it, hurts. It makes our relationship feel less special. It doesn't feel right when he has someone else that important in his life outside of family.
>>5358296
Are these feelings things that have been nagging at your before this cheat question incident, but became more clear now?
>>5358296
Sounds to me you after insecure due to the lack of sex in your relationship.
On the other hand, he brings this up with an answer prepared, it may be he thought about it and felt guilty and came to you to assage his guilt by proving to himself that you would cheat too. Especially the' everyone cheats' mentality
I agree with the other anon that your answers sucked too though.
