(I'm sorry if this isn't the sort of thing that's supposed to be posted here.)
I'm ace, it's not something that I was able to nail down for a long time but more recent events seem to have all their signs pointing towards this orientation. I don't know anyone else who is ace so I decided to come here and try to reach out for some sort of reassurance from similar people.
I was a victim of child sex abuse, unfortunately its something I can still remember but I never really knew what the lasting scars of it would be. As I grew up I never really 'noticed' people like other boys did in school, particularly at around the time puberty was starting to rear its ugly head, they would go on about how they thought other girls were 'hot' and how much they wanted to 'bang' them, I never understood this at all. Occasionally I would force myself to say something just so I would fit in a bit more but I knew the words were hollow, peer pressure continued to skew my sexual identity, making it harder for me to actually understand what my true feelings were but at that time I was hardly mature enough to understand myself.
Fast forward to late last year, I'm 19 now. I've had time to think and have figured out that something's not quite right, I'm quite certain I'm asexual, I've had 'girlfriends' but as much as I liked them as people and had lewd convos with them I figure I might have only been doing those things purely to please them and not at all for myself. Queue the next girlfriend, she lives a short plane trip away from me and she says she really likes me and wants to try sex, I tell her that I'm asexual but I wouldn't mind trying it just for her, she assures me by saying we don't have to do anything sexual at all. Eventually I visit her and we have a nice week, when lying in bed together she asks if I want to have sex, I'm unsure but I say we can try it.
She slowly moves her hand down my body and towards my crotch, I wasn't really comfortable with this but if it didn't get any worse and maybe just felt like masturbation then I could probably be okay. As she gets dangerously close to my junk I gasped involuntarily, every alarm in my entire body is set off and a gutwrenching feeling in my stomach eats me alive from the inside, my entire body was in protest, I tell her to stop. She stops. I turn away from her and move her arm away from there and hug it just in the pure fear she might continue (She was a lot bigger than me). She goes silent for a bit and I tell her that we can't do this, she then spends the next 20 minutes or so trying to make some sort of compromise so that she can continue, I don't want to be touched, I don't want to touch her, I feel awful inside. She eventually stops trying to get me to let her continue.
Our relationship was never a completely happy one anyways, she was more than fond to emotionally and verbally abuse me before going to take space for herself because she knew I'd eventually crawl back to her because she had successfully ingrained the thought into my mind that I would be lonely without her, she was always fond of forcing me to break ties with people if we got friendly enough. What finally got me away from her was her telling me she couldn't be with me because I was asexual and wouldn't have sex with her, this sort of guilt was common to get me to beg for her not to leave but she had never brought up me being ace before like this. I had had enough, I told her to leave and she flipped going on a tangent before I told her to remove me from everything which she did reluctantly before telling me that she 'would always love' me.
The relationship was a nightmare, it has left me unsure if I even want to ever have a relationship again, and if I do I am terrified of the idea that someone will be that frustrated with me because I can't provide sex for them that they leave. I feel like I'm a broken human, that the csa incidents have left me hindered and have made me less of a person that most people are. It's especially difficult in this world where everything is so sexualised, everywhere you go there are sexual implications plastered around cities and I just feel alien.
I'm sorry this went on for so long. My best friend said that there's bound to be other people out there who feel the same as me and if there are any other ace people who empathise on here I'd appreciate any reassurance that I'm not alone or general ace advice. Thank you very much.
There will always be people who will respect you. I'm functionally asexual (I just have a very low libido, but I've also never seen someone and went "daaaang i wanna bang that"). I have another friend who isn't asexual but can't have sex for reasons similar to yours. We're both in happy, loving relationships. She's in an open relationship where her girlfriend can bang other people, I am not.
It may be hard to find the right partner and to make it work, and you may have to make some compromises (like the girl in an open relationship), but you don't have to if you don't want to. It isn't hopeless.
Also, as the other poster said, you may want to consider therapy. Your sexuality may be separate from your trauma, but that trauma is still affecting your life in a profound and negative way, both the sexual abuse and your ex.
I hope you come out on top in the end.
This is sorta the stuff I was hoping to hear, thank you so much. Honestly I think i've been more open to the thought of poly relationships or open ones, wouldn't be a compromise for me honestly.
I haven't really considered therapy, I would like to be in a position where I could provide sex for any partners I might have in the future and if that helps me get there then maybe I should look further into it. Thank you very much for posting all that!