I usually don't like asking stuff like this on here, but I have a problem that I can't really figure out despite having parents that still talk to me, and a therapist. The past month I've come to the realization that I'll never be anywhere near cis-women standards. I'd have to get FFS and nipple surgery since I have semi decent B cups, but they are puffy so it's weird looking. I always figure it this way, if you're already at a disadvantage in the dating game you don't want to give anyone else an extra reason to find you unattractive, so I feel like I have to be perfect. I basically spent most of my vacation time from work in bed crying cause I'll never be cis, or be a mom, etc. I know I can still go through all of it, and adopt and all that, but at this point it doesn't matter to me cause it's not the real thing. This week I've been back at work, I work with all girls, and I don't feel any kind of jealousy or resentment towards them being cis anymore. I don't feel anything. I don't feel like a man, or a woman I just feel like I want to exist. I don't really care at this point if I detransition or if I go through with it all the way, I just wish this feeling of being almost stuck in the middle where I don't exist on any spectrum would go away. Even as I'm writing this I'm not sad, I'm not happy, I just constantly feel stuck in limbo and I want it to go away. I feel almost sometimes like I don't exist to other people around me. I just want to make up my damn mind already and move on with my life, but I can't figure out how. Anyone else go through this, or figured out a way to get past it?
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>>6349674
I haven't because I'm too cowardly to even try. I'm sorry you're having a hard time OP. I wish you well.
You've got this far, right? You have a reason for getting to the place where you are now. What is it? Did your current situation somehow affect what lead you to that decision? Can you still reach your goal?
>>6349818
I guess my reason before was that I was naive enough to think that the goal was possible, but it's a goal that I'm starting to find is literally impossible in every shape and form. I've been on HRT for about 1.3 years now, but I don't even care if I take it anymore. I've already missed like one or two doses simply because I just take it now when I feel like it. Also like I said I was a baby about it for a week, but now it's like I don't even have feelings at all and it's really weird. I don't feel hurt anymore, just this really weird nonexistent feeling like people can't even recognize what I am anymore. Appreciate the kind words btw.
>>6349674
I feel kind of the same... I dunno if I feel, like, physical dysphoria so much at this point because I've already accepted my lot in life as a cis male. I just don't really feel like one, regardless.
I would never in a hundred billion years "pass" as a cis female. Huge hands, pronounced brow, hair is starting to thin. Too tall, big wide chin/jaw, wide mannish limbs. etc.
The only thing I can think that can help one get over this sort of thing is to live in a sort way where you don't care about saying "fuck you" to gender roles/expectations and all that. I don't mean like being a tumblr snowflake genderqueer or what have you. Just being yourself and saying fuck you to those who can't except it. Continue to dress/act/live/whatever the way you want and say fuck those who don't understand or don't think you conform nicely to some stupid shit and preconceptions.
I know you're mainly taking here about dysphoria here, which is a different thing than the non dyphoric psychological things going on... But I think at least part of why people feel dysphoria is because of how ingrained gender roles are into our head by society. Some places/times in history, these roles were not so rigidly defined and vehemently defended. And most everyone was better off because of it.
>>6349908
I wish I could help but this is so far outside of my experience that I can't. What I can say is this: humans are really, really good at conflating unrelated feelings. Often we might feel a certain way due to certain factors but think the cause is something else entirely. The numbness you describe sounds like depression to me. Don't make the mistake of throwing away all you've worked toward because you're down. If you got here you must've really wanted it.
On the other hand I can't definitely tell you that continuing in the same course is the right choice. Just.. even here, in a place where identity is ephemeral, you choose to bear the name Niya. You choose to present yourself as a woman. That means something.
You can't be exactly like a cis woman and I understand that hurts, but you can still be you and find someone out there who will love you as you are. As a slightly different kind of woman.
>>6349964
Sorry to hear about your genetics that must suck big time :/ sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders though and have a good sense of how to handle it. And I totally agree with the second part, I've never wanted to be some sjw tumblrtard, I just want to be able to go out and not hate who I see in the mirror in the morning when I wake up I honestly could care less about labels as long as I can live how I want. Thanks btw.
>>6349998
I won't lie, after reading this it actually put me in a better mood and I did tear up a bit. I guess just find it really hard sometimes to face the fact that there is something that can't be achieved completely genuinely. Thank you anon for the kind words and help, I really appreciate it.
I know all those feels. The feeling of being like a ghost. The feeling of not feeling like either gender, the feeling of not even feeling like a member of the human race. Transition is an isolating path. Get off this train while you still can, it only gets worse. Just focus on being a real human being, be your own natural self and be part of things. The transition thing pushes others away, it confuses them and puts up a barrier, even if they accept you, it really sucks but that's how things are.
