So.. yeah. I'm losing myself these days and I'm barely clinging to life.
I'm a mtf trans woman, been on hormones for a year and a half and I can't stop hating myself for everything I've done in my days as a guy (I'm 27, almost 28) and I can't stop thinking of myself in male terms.
I don't know why, my entire life my deepest wish was that I was born a woman, but now that I'm actually working towards that in a way I don't actually feel any better. Well, I guess not ANY better, I do feel good at times, they are just super rare. Usually I just hate myself because I still look like a guy when I look at myself in the mirror, I still see my old self and I fucking hate him so much.
So, yeah. I don't know what to do. I have a general therapist, no gender therapist or anything like that, but we've only been seeing each other about a month now, maybe a little more. I fluctuate between super depressed and hypomanic all day long, I battle suicidal ideations EVERY DAY along with plenty of urges to self harm. I don't know what to do anymore folks.
Half of me wants to kill myself just to get out of this misery and the other half hopes and wishes for a better future while doing nothing to make it happen.
I dunno... any advice is welcome, I'm just so fucking lost in this world.
(pic related, its's me, one of the best shots I've taken since transitioning)
Don't be so melodramatic.
You knew this at the start, you just forgot.
You're not a real woman, and you never can be, and that's alright.
You're remembering shit you don't want to remember.
This is pretty normal crap.
You're not a trans-loser, you're just a regular loser.
The secret to dealing with this shit, is not thinking about it.
Learning to turn your brain off.
The easiest way to turn your brain off and stop remembering shit is to be with other people.
Do you have friends?
Since you're a regular loser you might not, but either way go to a bar, a tranny bar or whatever, preferably with friends.
Get drunk, and do stupid crap with your friends, or just talk to other people after getting drunk.
The more you're around other people, the les you're going to remember shit.
Since you're a girl, a very easy way to make friends is to be slutty.
This has the added bonus of physical stimulation, not just sex, but cuddling is very important to emotional and social stability.
You look fine.
You don't pass, but you look reasonably well adjusted and cute enough I would probably let you suck my weiner after getting inebriated.
P.S. when you're with your friends at a bar, try to forget that you're trying to forget, just don't dwell on anything garbage, everybody else there is trying to forget too
get some dick desu
>>6242041
end it, you had a good run, cya m8
>>6242041
This is why repression general exists
>>6242041
>Not sure if I'm actually trans
>I just hate myself because I still look like a guy
you're trans
>I fluctuate between super depressed and hypomanic all day long, I battle suicidal ideations EVERY DAY along with plenty of urges to self harm
I've been in exactly this situation
speak to a psychologist about getting on antidepressants
>>6242041
dear, why are you asking lgbt 4chan? That's a horrible idea. Talk in place where you know you're not going to be bombarded by trolls.
Because you're an effeminate gay man and not a woman.
>>6242041
>my entire life my deepest wish was to be a woman
you're trans
>suicidal ideations
see your doctor and get antidepressants. Either high dose normal ones or start at something higher like xanax right away.
>>6242041
>27
you're in your saturn's return phase. look it up. i view it as being forcefully restored to your "life purpose" and experiencing severe tensions and stress if you try to struggle against it. i would suspect that your self-hatred is related to this.
>>6242041
Don't act dumb.
DON'T ACT DUMB.
You're Trans. Of course you're trans. It's obvious you're trans. It's also obvious you're struggling with dysmorphia. Transitioning isn't a cure for depression. You need treatment for depression. Keep going with the therapist, consider something low-key like Lexapro (Minimal side effects) and keep fighting.
>>6242041
>he fell for the trans meme
enjoy your ruined body :) it will go with that garbage brain of yours
>>6242041
>I still look like a guy when I look at myself in the mirror
You still look like a guy when other people look at you too desu.
>>6242041
You fell into the trans trap. You were told it would be better, it wasn't. Changing yourself doesn't begin with transitioning, it begins with learning to accept yourself. Transitioning without accepting yourself will lead to more hardship.
>Feel woman your whole life
>Transition merely at 26
Something doesn't add up, anon.
>>6242476
I've been diagnosed with bipolar 2 and BPD, I'm on Depakote, seroquil and prozac but it feels like they aren't working right anymore. I need to resched my appt with my psychyatrist on monday, she had to cancel our last appt to take her son to the hospital.
Also, thanks for the reasurance
>>6242528
I figured /lgbt/ was a lot better than the rest of 4chan, it usually is
>>6243124
Xanax is anti anxiety isn't it?
>>6243452
thanks
>>6243830
I know =(
>>6243846
so it seems...
>>6243902
I HONESTLY did not know transgender was a thing until I was about 25, my therapist introduced me to it. I always though the only option was to crossdress and I was raised in a way where I felt that was wrong and dirty and should never be done in public. It took me a very long time to finally start dressing feminine in public.
Of course now I wish I had started earlier in life, but the information and such wasn't there when I was a kid. Hell informed consent isn't even THAT old.
>>6242099
I'm pretty sure I'm an addict as well so yeah.. drinking to forget leads to bad things. Though granted I'm not willing to do anything about my addictions yet, but still.
>>6245180
> BPD
If you have BPD then it really shouldn't come as a shock that you're having an identity crisis.
Personally I wouldn't have started transitioning at all until I seriously sorted my shit out first, but that's just me. Transitioning won't change your inherent feelings of emptiness and dissociation. Trust me.
>>6245375
I was scared the longer I waited the worse I would look, i.e. the less chance i would have of passing.
That and I honestly thought it was the one true solution. I am working on dbt, it's fucking hard but I'm doing it. I unfortunately have a shit ton of things to work though still
>>6245180
>growing up in XXI century
>internet everywhere for everyone
>media is full of transgender stuff
>zomg idk what transgenderism is !!1
op unless you live somewhere in the middle of africa I'm skeptical.
Took me 10 years and an orchiectomy to figure this out, but let me spoil it for you so maybe you can save yourself:
> now that I'm actually working towards that in a way I don't actually feel any better
It doesn't and won't really get better. You can't really be a woman, medical technology simply isn't there yet. All you can do is closely approximate one, and it's just kind of a shitty life. Believe me, you will still feel bad in 10 years, like you're reaching for something that isn't achievable, while in the process you get dragged down into depression and other bullshit. Just get out while you can, seriously.
>>6245722
Yeah no, transgender was never in the spotlight until after I had left high schoo. And after I had left high school I joined the army, I didn't really have much time for looking shit up because I was too busy drinking myself under the table and hating every second of it. I never thought there COULD be a way out so why would I go searching for one?
The only way out I knew of was to kill myself, and I failed at that... twice.
>>6245752
Like I didn't want to kill myself enough already...
>>6245896
I too thought I was trans for some time. Turns out I have other severe body image problems on top of manic depression. Though I decided against transitioning. Might have been the smartest thing I've ever done. You aren't too late, being trans isn't some commitment do it or else. You can still live as who you are now.
>>6246559
See, I know its an option to go back, but that scares me even more!
How the fuck will I explain that to my family?
And how do I know THAT'S the right move?! I'm too confused to make that decision right now, and too scared.
>>6242041
Hey man/girl whatever you want me to call you. Just remember that God still loves you. Depression and un-satisfaction sucks like hell, but there is rest for the weary in Jesus Christ.
And yes, I am being completely serious. #nomemes #cleanbois #whyamiusinghashtagson4chanpleasemurdermebeforeitstoola-
>>6246630
You don't have to explain anything. You are you. Your life is your own. You need to examine yourself, learn to live as yourself and not as an ideal or as what can or cannot be. Then the options and possibilities will open. You aren't the only person to stop transitioning.
Plus it's not "going back." It's living as you are now. Gender Identity Disorder is real, but it does not need transitioning. So little has been done to examine this, it's a shame there is very little research on people who don't transition or on people who go a little bit or androgynize themselves.
I know this is confusing because shit I'm confused too. But you don't have to make some grand choice immediately. Live as yourself, not as others want you to live and not as some ideal. Love yourself as who you are. Then you can decide what you want to do.
I don't have an answer for how to proceed because no one does. I don't even know how to proceed myself. But this mentality has helped me a lot, maybe it can help you too.
>>6246965
Thank you, that was actually really insightful. Learning to love myself has been the hardest thing I've EVER had to do. It really is a daily struggle.
holy shit op, have you not even considered ffs yet? please stop crying and get your act together. yeah it's not unusual at all for trans to want to look like a girl, isn't that the whole point? looks, the way you act, they're all the same things that make up a societal view of the female gender. so yeah, i agree, if you have gender dysphoria and don't look anything like a girl you're right to feel like killing yourself. i'd do it too if i wasn't passing. things like "you're a girl at heart, don't worry!" are bullshit, and anyone who thinks like that is lying to themselves.
but op, why haven't you even considered ffs? like literally are you retarded? you're despairing about looks but you haven't even done everything you could yet? if you're 6'2 with huge hands and feet then sorry, nothing is going to save you, but still, pls consider ffs.
and even if none of that works, let me give you a bit of advice - i grew up surrounded by video games, anime, and online culture. for me, i really do find that my online interactions, my identity, the way i express myself and the way i'm seen, make up the real me. yeah, i know it might not work for you. not everyone is a huge weeb nerd that lives in an mmo, not everyone is into that. you could call it escapism if you want, but i don't see it that way at all, and even if you don't share that same view, my advice is that you open up your mind a bit more senpai, it's better than killing yourself. expressing yourself through some creative work like drawing, writing, making music, multimedia, that's perfectly fine, isn't it? and don't forget, vr is right around the corner.
don't get me wrong, no matter how much you escape, there's going to be incongruence between your physical self and your online identity. and obviously, being a fat hikikomori shut-in who tokes and drinks all day but presents as a cute girl is kinda gross. i dunno, i'm just trying to offer an alternative view point.
hope this helps senpai, get ffs done
>>6242099
In general, I agree with most of this. I think it's about TURNING YOUR BRAIN ON and doing something with it.
Care more about what people think, but find the right people and care more about them. Don't settle on friends that "don't have a problem with *IT*" find mother fuckers who will defend you with their life.
Rebuild a family for yourself.
For what it's worse, I feel exactly like you. I am 24.5 and I haven't started HRT but I don't see it helping because I'm neither male or female. I am not an animal or anything. My soul is just a vibrant light burning up in a body that isn't as powerful as I need it to be, nor as attractive as I need it. I don't like my penis, but I don't hate it and want it gone. The can be said about most of the pieces of myself. It took starving myself down for 6 months the 2nd time (at age 24 right before my birthday) my dysphoria swelled and boiled over to get the fucking picture. I was 14 year old boy cutting myself in my rich white jewish parents bathroom last time.
I figured it out on my own by laying on a floor. I sat up (naked) looked in the mirror and literally heard words like my soul calling to me "Welcome back sweet heart. You're supposed to be a woman."
I'd been going on the streets as IDHAN (I.Dont.Have.A.Name) and NoOneSpecial since I was like 18. I was goo master back in 2003 hacking computers and shit.
We **ARE COLD WAR KIDS**
> always though the only option was to crossdress and I was raised in a way where I felt that was wrong and dirty and should never be done in public. It took me a very long time to finally start dressing feminine in public.
It's not our job to solve this for ourselves, we need to just keep living so the people OUR AGE now don't fuck their kids up and so we can tell their kids for them that this is not only okay, but makes literally no sense to pretend it isn't. It's categorically a BODY PROBLEM and NEUROLOGICAL DISORDER. It isn't just a FEELINGs problems, we are WIRED WRONG
>>6242041
I hate this fucking kike computer because I try to hit ENTER and it fucking hits BACKSPACE. My new laptop also has a machining defect and is razor sharp. Never buy a lenovo. I typed this whole thing now I gotta start over and I hate this keyboard and I hate razors I'm terrifeid of them I used to hurt myself with them I hate this computer ahhhhhh
I hate the fact being trans FORCES me into the fight pits with LGBT. It's not even similar. Bisexual people and lesbians and gays don't have these problems. This is a neurological and biochemical problem in a very real way. Science proves this, theistic peasants reject it the same way they used to reject the world being round.
We are very much affilicted. I look at it like this:
* Are you going to tell a midget not to get a growth spurt when it's offered? No no, go run along and find "self acceptance" little midget....right.
* Stop even bringing up mental health. Any mental health problems are a result of EVERYONE ELSE being awful towards us and forcing us to hate ourselves, even though they SHOULD (we are cold war kids remember) have just helped us with sceince.
We are in the iron lung, the kids will get the polio vaccine.
Don't give up hope. Personally, I identify as "that's not relevant" when people ask. I grew a male personality and my framework will always be MALE in learning. But that's fine. The female side of me is in here and I know she is. Whether others see it is irrelevant now, but *I* need to look in a mirrior and not see a monster.
Truthfully, I don't think I'm a monster. And if you perfected your voice I'd pass you female. Give the HRT more time, you'll be fine.
Cut your losses and find great sex later in life.
If you're in NYC or around the east coast I'm down to just take acid and talk. I'm 100% boy mode still. There is no alternative, I never built her....because I thought it was "sex" thing. But it i ain't. I only like women.
>>6247409
>>6247466
Shit... this is... a lot to process.
I thought by now, a year and a half in, I'd stop seeing myself as a freak, a monster, a piece of shit who doesn't deserve the air I breathe or the blood I bleed.
and while logically I know a lot of that is my mental illnesses, I dunno, i had hoped this would help more. Not that it hasn't at all, just not as much as I expected.
And while that does sound like an awesome offer, I'm all the way down in Atlanta
>>6242041
I believe that being trans if more about being innately women in your mind rather than only wishing you were born a different sex.
>>6247616
maybe you weren't ready for your bell to go off, honey.
>>6247616
Sorry, I've been and apparently still am on acid all day. I got way side-tracked.
I doubt HRT will help me either that much, because truthfully both of us kinda already missed the window of a fem-passing transition at least at the rate most of the other users here relative to us seem to be passing.
I think the perception that you'll ever be a woman needs to be put aside. Come up with your own label and stick with it. Find what you love, and then find good people.
me for example, I'm tryng to be the brightest fucking light I can. I've been smothered forever, I want to be so bright I attract moths...because with moths come beautiful other creatures and such.
Shit analogy, but you get it.
You gotta figure out your soul. I can't give advice on the HRT side of it, I haven't myself started but reading your deepest fears I already see mine mirrored.
You should also try dating and finding some other broken (no offense) people to help fix up with.
The other possibility is that you're missing something else besides HRT and femininity. That seems a slim chance though.
You'll never be a girl, but take solace that ages 30 --> 40 will probably be by far and away the best years of your life...if you make damned sure of it and turn that razor blade in your mind against the rest of the world.
Stop emotionally cutting, you really don't deserve not to love yourself.
>>6247637
I infer that that's what OP is saying.
Once your mind starts to become a WOMAN, having already missed out on GIRLhood, it can really fuck a soul up. This universe and experience we all have in human bodies is subjective, terrifying, and basically just little chemical electrical impulses holy shit I Need to stop talking my brain is gonna blow up.
Need shower and cuddles.
Im gonna be straight up here babe, you already fucking pass if you dress right. for taller, thicker mtF girls, dress like a woman, not a girl.
and god damn your hair is fantastic.
You aren't a freak, you aren't broken (well, beyond what anyone else is).
to minimize dysphoria, keep up the HRT, work on your voice, and make sure others are respecting your choices and shit. Society gives us gender rolls, gender rolls affirm our gender, so as much as it sucks, others expressing an attempt to keep you fem is probably a good sign. Depression also gets worse with Dysphoria, and it never goes away. never forget that you are beautiful - so long as you keep trying for it. Things will get better. <3
Is it too late at 20? I spent about four years in addiction and recovery because my parents discovered at age 14 I had some danky medications in my backpack (which they threw out) and now I'm waiting on qhi.
How messed am I?
>>6247991
You will be fine. If you are 100% sure you are what you think you are, don't think twice about going forward with it. You loose time you could be having fun to the awkward NOPASS stage with every day. But be prepared for an uphill battle.
>nb4 im 20 too
just getting on hormones this summer, genes pay more a roll than anything else, but after that is effort, then everything else
>>6247999
Maximal ree.
>>6245180
>I figured /lgbt/ was a lot better than the rest of 4chan, it usually is
Oh jesus fucking christ. /lgbt/ is worse than /b/, I'd tie it with /pol/ as far as the worst boards go. That's why there is so many poltards that post on here, we are both at the bottom of the garbage pile. /lgbt/ is one of the worst places for lgbt people, there are probably other boards on 4chan that are better than this. It's just a swirling mire of self-hatred.
>>6248027
It's what pepe says when pepe is a computer science student with no job.
>>6247403
>if you're 6'2 with huge hands and feet then sorry, nothing is going to save you
>>6248090
>only one solution
>>6248118
yes. only one solution. we must post cute trans girls
the theme is bign'tall girls
ugh last one was too skinny. here is a good before after. Things will be ok anon!
>>6248126
any that transitioned older than 25? doesn't seem relevant if not
>>6247897
>>6248169
supposedly (from another thread) she was mid transition at 27.
if im wrong on that one, then the last one certainly is later rather than earlier
>>6248178
dat filename do
>>6248184
>obvious manlet
discarded
>>6248190
what is a manlet?
>>6248202
http://lmgtfy.com/?q=manlet
>>6248222
>>6248217
>>6248212
all don't pass
>>6248160
can't tell if pass but before pic is not impressive at all, it literally looks like a girl doing a cosplay of some angry muscly man with a beard, so take the beard and put on some wig and she'd pass before hormones
>>6248154
pass for a cute cross-dresser maybe
>>6248143
pass
>>6248134
no pass
>>6248185
>>6248236
ok so results diminish with time, but not bad for the before!
>>6248228
you sarcastic piece of shit ^_^ I love it.
You dont
>>6248217
>brightness set to 99 to hide all those manly features
lol
>>6246965
>
this helped me too
>>6246786
If you decide to do this, just ignore the false apostle Paul or you'll want to kill yourself again.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8PZCA47hS8
>>6247409
>my soul calling to me "Welcome back sweet heart. You're supposed to be a woman."
if this isn't the most honnish thing i don't know what is
>>6250585
It is
>>6250619
also the second part has slamming susanite gems like "I never built her" and other creepy fetishist-tier instances of talking about yourself in a third person as if it was nothing but an alternate persona
holy shit faam
>>6250666
The whole post is weird. Hon for sure
>>6250677
hon busted
>>6250713
That needs kaylas face. I don't know the tranny on the right.
>>6250719
it's some random hon off google images
yeah you are right but i don't know where to find kayla's mug
>>6250732
Just ask her. She'll give it to you that dumb cunt
>>6250838
Obviously because you're a hon. Detrans t b h it'll help
