I am joining the forces soon and something I have noticed is everyone who is in or has been in has awesome stories. They can be funny, bad assed or just plain weird but lets hear them
Reposts welcome too
Once upon a time a dude I know was looking at a pipe because he heard a noise coming from it.
Then 2 year old liquid shit shot out of that pipe into his face with the force of s firehose.
This is what happens when you are on a submarine. Poo shoots out and hits you.
Here is an old story I greentexted some time ago
1/3
>be me, 19y/o Swiss guy
>mandatory military service started 5 weeks ago, I'm incorporated as a rifleman
>it's time to choose our specialty, everyone gets one
>we have 4 options: LMG, Panzerfaust 3, Commando (basically forward observer) and Explosives (basically do nothing all day and have fun with HE)
>I choose LMG because muh BRRT
>Zug (platoon) LMG has a pretty harsh LT
>first morning, the platoon meets its NCOs and one new guy who just arrived
>the new guy is private Wilson
> it's a white cardboard silhouette target mounted on a stick, with an angry skeleton drawn on it
>'recruits, this is private Wilson! He will be with you at all times, and he will be present at each morning call'
>and so it was
>be a week later
>we got some issues with the Commandos; insults, places in line for chow stolen, no biggie
>until they struck our honour as a platoon
>be deployed to kandahar airfield
>be 4th of july (possibly I don't remember what holiday it actually was)
>giant ass cake in dfac
>looksgood.jpg
>cake actually dry ass cornbread with frosting
mfw
>>30369057
2/2 (hit the wrong button. Yes, I can count.)
>one day we come back to the training ground after chow
>Wilson wasn't there
>turns out the Commandos hired the Panzerfaust platoon to steal it from our Materiel Guards
>the day after everyone receives a video of private Wilson
>he is laid against a tree trunk and executed by the whole Commando platoon
>itson.exe
>LT declares a week of mourning
>and he wants revenge
>the plan is simple: steal the trunk
>the commandos had been hauling this long-ass tree every day for the past week as a mascotte and it apparently helped with executing Pvt. Wilson
>two comrades of mine sneak under the commandos' nose and steal it
>we hide it and wait for the time to eat
>to get food we have to walk along a river, the commandos on the left side and us on the right side
>as we see them approaching, we yell insults and such pleasantries
>they turn
>just in time to see us throw the trunk in the river
>all-out war almost breaks out
>peace is found just in time, thanks to the Captain who intercedes
>be boot camp
>mopping floor with squad
>sooooomeone pisses in the bucket and we mop floor with piss
>the next 48 hours is just a blur of push ups, running, vomit and tears
>>30369082
Did you guys beat the shit out of him?
>in latrine
>push up ceiling tile
>a vibrator falls from ceiling
>this has been a men's barracks for 20 years
>D.I. tells us never to speak of it
>>30369093
We let it happen, totally just as guilty.
Was fuckin hilarious at the time, then we were found out.
other story from the Swiss Army
>still basic
>we are little shits because 4th week or so of basic training in a conscription army
>Instructor (let's call him G) is yelling and PTing the shit out of us for being little shits
>this goes on for quite a while
>next day, Instructor G is absent from the field
>weird, he's usually always there to yell at us
>as we get back to the barracks around 1800, we see him in the PDStand (the place where we clean up our gear every evening)
>as usual he's super imposing. He's a big guy with a mean-ass look to him
>when he tries to yell at us to get our gear out for cleaning, we understand
>he fucked his voice so bad yesterday, that he's practically whistling
>"the first who laughs gets the whole platoon to PT"
>everybody's stifling laughter within one minute
>run, push ups, plank all night
>>30369077
As a former rifleman in the Swiss Army too, it made me laughs because almost the same thing happend to me
>>30369161
I'm in the mood to tell some stories if you guys want more.
>>30369169
Hue. When/where were you in?
>>30369062
>be stationed out of kaf
>be flying 14 hour qrf shift on thanksgiving
>dinner consists of brown bag with tuna sandwich
>fly all night
>land and debrief and find out the tocroaches ate all the fucking turkey
>>30369182
Yeah I'd like to hear more
>>30369182
ER INF 3-1 in Chamblon, you ?
>>30369338
INF 12/1, Chur-Neuchlen-Walenstadt. I guess the Wilson thing is a military-wide tradition
>>30369240
righto. Just give me time to think/write some stories.
>>30369367
Yeah, I didn't have any spez (was a driver, Puch and Duros were my spez) but we had a SGT Plank (a literal woodplank with a face painted on it) and we had to salute the thing. If we didn't, we had to do the plank for a looong time
>Pic semi related : it looked kinda like this
>>30368902
>Be me 2007 Baghdad
>Ride around dodging RPGS and EFPs, while getting hosed in shit water
>>30369429
Sounds like Kandahar except the "transient barracks" was right next to the poo pond. Came back from a mission one night and it had flooded, walked in and saw a power strip floating on a flipflop
>>30369240
>During our rucks between the barracks and our training grounds, we sing
>we are ordered to write a platoon song with all the patriotic goodies
>some guy who attempted to enter SF but didn't make the cut is the author of the best one
>and so we sing it, every day, twice a day, alternating from grunts and screams from ol' Instructor G
>one day, we cross some Swiss Germans coming from a nearby training facility
>they are singing too. They are singing loud.
>Instructor G and his clique don't like the fact that we're not as loud
>"We can't hear youuuu!" In a perfect Spongebob-intro style
>we get louder, they take the challenge
>and so on, and so forth
>once we get to the barracks, we get the first floor of cleaning racks, they get the one above us
>this is closed to the outside world and open towards an inner courtyard from which we can see every room in the building
>Songs get louder and louder, I could swear I felt the glass panes shaking
>We get to the climax of the song when we hear the loudest voice of them all
>"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT SHUT UP YOU ANIMALS, WE'RE GETTING COMPLAINTS FROM ALL OVER TOWN"
>Fucking Feldweibel spoiling our fun.
>Be part of a reserve unit
>Have our annual training, be out in the fucking desert at a range
>End up pulling radio shift for 0300-0600
>Shift consists of sitting in a humvee and listening to the radio, responding to radio checks by range control
>This was important because there had been range fires (tracer rounds ftw) so they would tell us if we needed to move etc.
>End up dozing off
>Have VIVID dreams of the entire range of fire and my entire company running around burning alive
>Tents are on fire and collapsing
>Ashen pieces of charred flesh slowly drifting out of the air
>Screaming everywhere
>Wake up and chuckle
>>30369481
>training exercise towards the end of our basic training
>Moving Fire, basically covering the advance of a friendly team while IFVs fire above our heads to cover us
>we're getting there, halfway through the course
>friendlies stop firing, we have to get down and cover them
>take cover in some craters/foxholes
>NCO (Let's call him Sgt D) is yelling at me like somebody stuck a hot LMG barrel up his ass
>"OVER THERE, YOU MONGREL! FURTHER TO THE RIGHT!"
>I yell "understood, right" and move to a foxhole about 5m from mine
>other screams reach me: "NO, TO MY RIGHT! THE OTHER WAY!"
>at this point, I have to cross some 30m of ground to get where he wants me to go
>all while staying as low as I can
>all while the IFVs are acquiring their targets
>get about 10m from my destination as I hear M2HBs firing little over a foot above my head
>stay low as fuck and get to my foxhole while yelling stuff along the line of "who gave a SGT rank to a fucking idiot who can't even tell left and right apart"
>Sgt D finally shuts up
>didn't even get reprimanded. The rest of the team agreed with me and even my LT told me I was in the right
I once abandoned my battle buddy and ran to a bush while in patrol duty to take a huge shit. He was a new guy and almost freaked out because there was another patrol coming our way.
>>30369565
Rewinding a little bit
>Broke my foot in bct, went to shitty rehab unit
>DS's always angry cause they cant PT us, make us clean constantly
>Theres a cleaning roster that rotates every week with our names on it
>Some guy has the bathrooms
>Its important to note, this stuff got cleaned first thing in the morning and then the evening
>For the ENTIRE week this guy had the bathroom, someone would jizz on the stall doors
>Like, consistently every night, before the morning when people would wake up
>Sometimes on multiple doors
>I wouldnt even have to see it, the guy with that duty would walk in and just start screaming and I'd know what happened
>Whoever did it never got caught
>He was the jizz bandit.
>last two weeks into basic
>just pulled off a 32miles ruck as part of our final tests
>I tore a tendon in my foot to finish it, but I fucking made it and gained a sweet, sweet medical exemption from physical tasks for the remainder of my permanence in basic
>basically lie in bed in a bunker all day for a week
>shenanigans are bound to happen.
>One day, cooks were absent during their shift
>this could have got them into deep shit, but there was a bigger problem
>A couple comrades and I were hungry as fuck
>meet PFC P
>PFC P is a big guy. A really big guy. A really big, hungry and angry guy at 4am in front of a kitchen wing that was supposed to be open
>PFC P only sees two crates, one with cheese spread, one with salami
>PFC P doesn't like the prospect of his breakfast, so he opens the shutter closing the kitchen and jumps in
>his loot includes 3L of milk, more bread than anyone could actually eat and tons of jam and chocolate spread
>so apparently the kitchen was open
>the cook apparently wakes up and enters the mess hall as we are finishing up with our breakfast
>visibly shaken, he asks who gave us this stuff
>our third man candidly tells him that he did, not 10 minutes ago as he was standing his post
>the guy awkwardly smiles and goes back to his duties
>tl;dr I was doing nothing, I was hungry and Albanian Bane procured our breakfast
recent one:
>be in a reserve exercise
>we are simulating repelling an air assault by unnamed hostile country
>my squad keeps running around from one task to another for the whole exercise, doing patrols, guarding the base, dealing with a group of mudslimes that have been attacked by neo-nazis, followed by doing crowd control when said neo-nazis show up etc.
>it's the last evening, we are told to sleep well
>knowing the guy's sense of humor this means there's going to be an attack during the night
>squad leader gives the order to maintain 2-minute readiness (as in ready to fight our way to Hell and back within two minutes from the alarm)
>everyone goes to bed in full gear
>after an hour or two we are told that if there had been plans for an attack during the night, they were now scrapped.
>everyone takes off the gear and goes to sleep.
>Snowelf
>Conscription
>Half way through two week final exercise
>Counting traffic until we get a mission to relocate and recon a certain area for enemy bases
>At this point tired as fuck, getting sick of the shitty old field rations while the enemy is eating the new ones (which taste good even if you throw up), and running out of smokes&sweets
>Hide our gear and split up into pairs. Agree to steal whatever you can find
>How about that; we find support elements, comms and artillery pieces
>Fuckers didn't even setup proper guards
>All pairs go through the crates, cars and unattended tents
>The drivers (90% of them are fat fucks) left cigarettes, sweets and pastries into their trucks. Niggers didn't even lock the doors. One pair found a couple of crates of fruits, but decided to take only one.
>Best part? The officers, who were part of the war game, had left their cars unlocked; it was a treasure trove of information.
>Go get your rucksacks, put up the tent and go to sleep while the signalist sends information about what we had found
>Don't mention the stolen goods
>Next morning LT comes and picks up our sketches of the enemy camps
>Doesn't comment on the crate of apples in our camp, but I could swear he almost smiled
>>30369023
Kind of a related story
>Be innaArmy, 12B
>Guy in my platoon marries a Mexican
>8/10, ass 11/10, cooks us fucking lunch during workdays
>One problem
>Buddy is good ol boy from West Virginia
>Wife's food too spicy
>Says she even makes mashed potatoes spicy somehow
>Getting a class one day after lunch
>Hear an ungodly noise
>Look at buddy
>Sweat pouring off bald head, eyes wide, staring at the ground intensely
>Make eye contact, give him a thumbs up in question, he shakes his head, throwing sweat droplets around
>"Alright, take a 10 minute smoke break everybody"
>Buddy bolts to door, knocking people out of the way, sprints down hall
>Follow him out of curiosity
>Open latrine door, awful smell somewhere between Satan's asshole and a Mexican restaurant dumpster smacks me in the face
>See buddy sprawled out under stall
>"Bro, you alright in-"
>Open door
>Mfw
>He stares up at me, pants around his knees, shit covering the floor and pooling out slowly like a GSW victim
>Pure look of shock and horror
>Slowly close stall door and leave latrine to recuperate and collect my thoughts
I ended up having to get another guy to guard the door and I went to get clothes from his wife, it was literally the most awkward conversation I've had with a hot chick, and that's saying a lot.
>tfw commission a month ago
>modified working hours during the summer, 0900-1400, wear khaki pants and a polo shirt
>going away dinner for LT who's leaving
>CO and XO want to go to a bar and watch the basketball game/soccer game afterwards
>I get told I'm coming too
>nervous at first b/c im a fucking boot and feel out of place next to a Captain, CDR, and 2 LTs
>CO and XO buying the rest of us drinks
>shoot the shit with the CO for about an hour
>always knew he was a badass, but didn't know just how much of a badass he was
>CO and XO give me tips for flight school
>everyone decently drunk
>XO gets dragged home by his wife, but not without resistance
>take a few shots with the LTs
I can get used to this.
>>30370332
>Such is life in a flying squadron
>>30369975
>training to defend muslims
Was the weather cold Sven?
>>30370266
sissis/"timppas", I swear you guys could sneak into the White House, throw a rave there and leave unnoticed...
>>30368902
>be me in 1969 inna central highlands on a fire base.
>company has a pet monkey that looks like it was crossed with badger.
>they flew in a pallet of beer and erryone off duty got drunk including me.
>we had a pre-fab steel watchtower to which we tethered the "monkey".
>well they got the monkey drunk and the climbed about 20 feet up the guard tower bracing and fell and was hanging.
>sounding like he was getting eaten alive, I climbed up the ladder and inched over the beam where the nylon leash strap was looped.
>I cut it with my trusty, shark tooth Randall (which I still have btw).
>monkey fell head first into the concrete footing of one of the upright beams.
>ded monkey
>I get called on the carpet by the old man who proceeded to give me a ration and threat of Article 15.
>I bought another to replace it and he got thrown outa a C-130.
>but that's another story
ib4 what an old fart.
>>30370422
I am not Sven, I am Pekka, and it was fairly warm, maybe 17-18 degrees celsius at the time
>>30368902
ok one more.
>be me, 17 years old in AIT.
>company commander likes to talk to his troops when he was out and about.
>be me inna messhall dumping my tray on the way back to the barracks.
>I see the CO getting ready to enter the mess hall through the enlisted entrance.
>so I exit through the Officers entrance.
>boom, who is nearby?
>the 1st sgt.
>hell breaks loose on my carcass and I get smoked.
>an hour later I have a shirt pocket full of straws from a broom and I am poking the fly shit outa the mess hall window screens with said straws.
>>30369475
In Iraq the poo water overflows in the streets constantly
>>30371211
I recorded 7 jibs pooping one night through flir. Set the record for RC S
Anyone got the thread where some strayacunt called an American 4 star general a cunt and said "top fuckin stuff m8" as he walked away?
>>30371233
Afghanis make Iraqis look like aristocrats, goddamn caveman culture
>>30371243
Yea that was top fuckin stuff ther m8, hahden the fuck up ya cunt
>>30371268
>>30371268
No they're fucking sand people on tattooine and ewoks by the rivers and in the mountains
>>30371268
as one Finnish peacekeeper put it: "no matter how open-minded you are when you go there, you are a racist by the time you get back"
>In garrison
>Company released for day
>Go to PX to buy beer for evening
>Smoke a cigarette out front first
>Put cigarette out and throw it in trash
>Walk into PX and go to beer coolers
>Battalion Sgt Maj is right there
>He looks at me
>"Oohrah Sgt Maj"
>Oorah Lance corporal, getting some beer huh?
>"A few Sgt Major" grab 12 pack tell him it's for both roommate and I (6 beer per marine barracks rule)
>Just be safe
Go to get in checkout line, 2 lines open
>I go to different line than him
>Next thing Sgt Maj yells "oh shit that trash cans on fire!"
>He and PX girl run outside to put it out
>My girl checks me out
>I walk past both them with 12 pack to go drink as my BN Sgt Maj puts out my trash can fire
The dude was a dick anyways.
>Mfw
>>30370318
someone cap this fuckin lol
>>30370440
>he got thrown outa a C-130
moar, venerablefag
a screencap from an earlier military story thread
>>30371243
>>30371355
Keke
>>30372084
ok, I have a sick sense of humour, and I find that not funny.
>>30371475
Another related story
>Innafield
>Get to do PX run, whole platoon goes in for Subway and lickeys and cheweys
>Slip my buddy a few 20s for cigarettes and dip and monster
>Sit outside on truck hood, smoking and guarding trucks since weapons still mounted
>Enjoying being alone for five minutes
>Wild officers appear!
>2 majors and a full bird, one major and Col. are female
>Jump up as they march straight for me
>"Ma'am,"
>Cue lazy salute as I prepare for my ass chewing over some insignificant thing because lol officers
>"Specialist," smart salute, she's kind of a cougar, "the major here says that's an M60"
>Shes pointing at the 240
>Look at the guy, old as fuck, obviously prior service type
>Try to help him save some face
>"Been awhile since you been on the line huh Major? This is a 240B, it was fielded as a replacement for the M60."
>"Son I humped that thing when I was a Private in Desert Storm, I know what a M60 looks like, jump up there I'll show you"
>niggerwhatareyoudoing.jpg
>He jumps up on the turret, we get really close to the gun
>"Oh. That's, uh, that not a M60," he mumbles
>mfw
>Loudly say, "No sir, but I understand the confusion, it's the same basic frame and fires the same round, they just made it a bit lighter and cut all the unnecessary bits out."
>Col. nods approvingly, Maj. Oldfart looks at me humble and appreciative
>"Yeah, guess my old eyes ain't as good as they used to be, carry on Specialist"
I was so fucking mad, but still didn't throw his dumbass under the bus like I should have. The real question is, why didn't a full bird know immediately that the Army doesn't field M60's in 2011? 8/10 though, would have taken a UCMJ to eat that fat ass of hers.
>>30372379
>The real question is, why didn't a full bird know immediately that the Army doesn't field M60's in 2011?
my guess: she did & that's exactly why she decided to embarass him.
>>30372481
Nah, she had no fucking clue bro. I omitted it for brevity's sake, but after old fuck clambered down she said, "So what are these?" and pointed at the M2. Me and the Major had a "Is this bitch serious," moment and I told her, and she said, "Huh, dont think I've ever seen those before." No shit slicksleeve. At least the Major's was a half way honest mistake.
>>30372572
ok, if someone doesn't recognize Ma Deuce when they see one then they almost certainly couldn't tell the difference between M60 and M240 either...
>>30372084
oh fucking hell that's hilarious
my only "funny" story was one time we watched a goat trigger a really ghetto anti personnel IED. I almost pissed myself I was laughing so hard. I've got tons of OSUT stories too but those are stupid and no one really cares about those
>>30372712
I'm not that anon.
But some pogs just seriously don't know their shit. I was at a chow hall in Iraq and I was a SAW gunner. Some cook asked me with his buddy, "hey, would you think it's a stupid question if I asked you what type of gun that is?" as he pointed to my m249. I just told him "yes I would think that's a stupid question, since you fired one at MCT".
>>30372379
>>30372572
>why didn't a full bird know immediately that the Army doesn't field M60's in 2011?
They should never have been allowed in
>>30372712
Yeah they were ate up man. Like I said, she was fine though. Not even, in-the-field-sand-goggles-hot, legit, take her out to dinner hot. The other major was a beast though buddy
>>30372786
I care
>mfw I can't recall anything terribly funny outside of the context of OTS and even then it's mostly a blur
>>30373188
I mean, it's just the same shit everyone goes through. Some kid opens their mouth, DS says to shut it cause it ain't raining dicks, rest of the sleep deprived and hungry platoon stifles laughter while the DS looks for people to smoke the fuck out of, rinse and repeat
>>30370332
The class difference is so fucking real. Been a maintainer for 4 years, get treated like shit all the time but as soon as johnny mcbutterbar walks in the senior enlisted pukes kiss his fucking feet. Fuck this I'm getting my bachelor's.
>>30371299
It's a lot like living in Chicago that way.
>>30370422
As stupid as the training sounds, you know it's only a matter of time before yurup tries to remove kebab.
>>30368902
Army fag
>stole and altered rifles from a rival company
>shit myself in the field
>responded to an emergency in nothing but PT shorts and battle rattle
>captured a Ranger onna FTX
>pissed in a sink
>pissed while in the prone
>dove on a snake
>got smoked for farting on a DS
>filled condoms with soap and water and lotion and ambushed people with them
>In Iraq somewhere by Sinjar
>Eating MRE, chilling
>Platoon fuck up in turret of 7 ton supply truck
>Somehow manages to pop smoke by rubbing against turret the wrong way and snagging the pin
Two things made this funny. Him smoking himself out, and luck would have it choppers were flying by and got confused.
>Hear "oh fuck! Oh fuck!"
>He's in turret getting smoked out and burned a little
>Jumps like 10 feet out of turret landing all dicked up in the sand
>We run over to help
>Helos are on the com asking if we need an LZ extract because one sees smoke
>Tell them it's mistake, patch up platoon fuck up
>Everyone looses
>POG
>non-deployable unit
>company comprised of admin Marines has 45 major alcohol related incidents in 30 days
>namely one guy drinks himslef into a coma
Nothing exciting, but I've heard rumors alcohol might be banned in the bricks.
>>30370332
Travis?
>>30369062
god fucking damnit, maybe i'm just tired, but i've been picturing someone taking a bite of what they think is moist delicious cake, but then finding out it's crusty dry cornbread covered in frosting, and they just sit there and eat it, but their face is exactly like your picture - half smile, tears in their eyes.
i've been giggling for 10 minutes straight. i hope you got some real cake eventually.
>>30368902
>be driving humvee innaconvoy
>just field exercise in old unarmored POS
>I tell the guys in back to sleep while they can, nothing eventful will happen
>corporal numbnuts behind me dozes off
>still with rifle in his hands pointing up like a good grunt
>sergeant DecentHumanBeing informs me that I am about to be exhibit A in an upcoming trial
>numbnuts had dropped his hand with his thumb resting not only in the trigger gaurd, but with it on the trigger
HOLYFUCKINGHELLNODIPSHIT.gif
>scream out "SERGEANT, TAKE THE WHEEL"
>like he had wanted to and practiced to do this for his entire life
>he straddles the center platform and takes over like nothing
>I turn around and start using some excessive force on corporal numbnuts
>out of fear he throws his rifle out the door
Neverbreaktheconvoy.png
>both of us knowing a lost rifle is a thousand times worse than him blowing my brains out I loose my cookies and start yelling till I started spewing blood while slapping his shit
>I continue this for some time
>sergeant DecentHumanBeing tells me his is getting tired of hearing this and driving at that angle
>I stop slapping his shit
> I start driving again
>by all luck everyone in the convoy behind us saw the rifle and the last vehicle stopped and collected it
All I really have. Nothing goes into greentext as well as this one does.
>>30371430
There you go m8.
>>30373224
Sounds about right
>>30373679
It's all you can do man. You laugh so you don't cry.
>be Route Clearance
>some MP unit that ended up in front of us rolls over an IED, major fuck-up on battlespace's part
>roll up to scene to provide security and medical aid
>soft top Humvees
>fuckmethisisntgood.jpg
>strike on lead vehicle, 2 seater, TC is fucking gone
>As in, just not there anymore
>Driver's fucked, burns all over, most of his right hand and forearm missing, shrapnel fucking everywhere
>Get out, because dismount, help drag driver out
>Medic does his thing, gives guy morphine, wraps his arm up best he can
>Goes to find pieces of TC to put in a bag, leaves me with fucked up driver
>"Keep talking to him, don't let him fall asleep, he's fucked up,"
>Jeez, thanks Doc
>Trying to make small talk with a guy who's missing most of his arm
>Zoned out on Morph, hits my shin with his stump
>"Dude, dude, dude," looks at his bandage, "what the fuck?"
>"It'll be okay man, they'll get you fixed up, get you one of those badass robot arms
>Shakes his head, "Nah man, I mean...how am I gonna watch porn and jack off at the same time now?"
>Makes mouse clicking motions with his left hand, jerking motions with his right, then huffs, exasperated
>My fucking face when
I had him repeat it to Doc, then the rest of the squad and we fucking died. Pissing ourselves still when the chopper showed up, dude was laughing too. You laugh or cry man, that's the only way to deal with it.
>>30373857
well that's a bit heavier than eating cornbread cake, but i understand what you're saying. i only hope i would be able to deal with a situation like that with a bit of humor
>>30373857
Holy fuck that is Kek worthy. Got my IED story. Only one I've seen go off.
>be with artillery
>driver of humvee in front of me starts trying to be all cool
>saying how Iraqi sand makes drifting a breeze
>drifts canon
>drifts cannon onto IED
>cannon flips off into the sunset
Scarednoises.m4a over the radio
>gets his shit chewed out
Never knew what happened to him after.
That fucking green text is giving cancer to my eyes.
>>30374095
Fuck off, every good story told on k is in greentext
>>30373958
Yeah, it is, but it's the same principle. I was freaked the fuck out until he said that shit, then literally pissed myself a little laughing. He started giggling too and said, "Got my priorities straight don't I?" I told him he'd be pulling so much pussy with his purple heart that he'd never need to jerk off again, which brought on more laughter.
>>30373974
Fucking gold, I got time for one more,
>Roll up to an IED det
>Dumbass militia group got blown up trying to "disarm" an IED (yeah fucking right)
>Guy's in about a million pieces, his buddy's all fucked up and dead, 3rd guy is dying
>Doc starts working on dying dude, I pull security for EOCA to investigate the blast site
>WE CSI: IRAQ NOW
>Minding my own business, looking at nothing
>Someone slaps me on the shoulder and says HEY, I turn around
>Team leader standing there holding a dismembered arm, amputated just above the bicep, starts wagging it at me
>Wrist and elbow limp as fuck, flopping around like a fish
>mfw
>"Mista Mista! Ali Babba go that way!" Makes, broad sweeping gesture to the west
>Sticks out hand
>"America numbah one! Good you are here!"
>I'm crying at this point
>Shake the hand, he goes around and starts slapping people on the ass and head with the arm, yelling like an Iraqi
>Whole platoon laughing like retards, locals look on disapprovingly
>Wounded guy dies
That was the first time I'd ever seen a dead body, and I still laugh when I think about it.
>>30374095
>not understanding greentext
>on 4chan
Great, not only another annoying tripfag, but a massive newfag on top of that. Way to instantly be recognizable as cancer shitbag. KYS you fucking retard.
>>30373391
>captured a Ranger onna FTX
Koko?
>>30374186
Jusus crust that is good.
>>30369103
lol
>>30369023
> a dude I know was looking at a pipe because he heard a noise coming from it.
This will happen eventually for all retards that look at odd tings from pipes without thinking it might be something unpleaseant.
>>30368902
>be me innastan
>out on patrol to win hearts and minds
>walking with local police
>take contact , sniper about 450+yds
>nbd , jdam should figure it out
>look over at the poilce
>one guy is trying to throw grenades
>the other is adjusting his range compensator on his ak , convinced it "ups the power of the bullet"
>>30369023
> Tfw Indian navy
>>30369679
>32 miles
jesus christ I can barley handle 10 and im 170 pounds
you do you have to just straight sprint it without stopping or is it like non stop casual jogging
and do you do it in full gear or just your uniform
>>30369679
>>30374505
are these hikes uphill or are they on flat ground?
>>30373974
Mfw
>>30373363
Maybe Eastern Europe
Not my own but heard second hand from my Step-Brother
>innasands during the Iraq war
>commander of a stryker
>he is talking up the new addition about how much he fucking hated IED's and how the last one blew the fuck out of his old stryker
>mid sentence they hit an IED that blows out the front wheels and drives it into the sand
>everyone is fine but styker is kill
Not exactly amazing but the way he said it killed me.
>>30374186
>goes around slapping other people's asses with a dismembered arm
Jesus Christ that's good
>>30369574
Undermining the authority of one of your NCOs, even if he's is wrong, is terrible leadership practice, especially if you take time to tell a little shit recruit he's the right one.
If you reprimand him, it's in private and never mentioned again.
>>30369475
Out near the area 50 poo sign?
Why can't milfags spell "lose" correctly?
>mfw running across a skeeter wing wearing a MLP Dash patch on his deployment shoulder
I smoked him while I called his platoon sergeant when the number he gave me routed to a You Got Dumped hotline (Staff Duty got it from the duty book). His PSgt called in his SL and TL in and they smoked the dog shit out of him because they got their asses chewed.
>Fucking engineers
>Eat the biggest dick
>>30376618
Vietnam.
>>30370266
Sorry, what country/military?
>>30375779
Not calling out imperfection is how you breed incompetent combat arms.
If an NCO fucks up calls like that, his status needs to be reviewed.
>>30376744
What hold the leadership class accountable? What heresy is this. On the serious side while you are right at the absolute level there is the fuckery of personnel availability/replacement difficulty. Even a retarded sergeant is a big investment of time and money (even when they fuck up worse than they are worth) and officers even more so. Some are shit at line duty but can handle office work or maintenance tasks. Unfortunately we got rid of the tech sergeant ranks besides specialist (most any other e4 is nco) these tech ranks granted the pay but no command authority (or limited to only their shop) to the focused nco. As much as the marines get shit on they do have a better combat command structure especially up to e6
>>30373725
>both of us knowing a lost rifle is a thousand times worse than him blowing my brains out I loose my cookies and start yelling till I started spewing blood while slapping his shit
Lost my shit with this line.
>>30376849
>Tfw Ausfag
>Tfw promotions are granted on quality courses regardless of merit.
>Tfw I had more than a couple WOs that were hopeless women.
>Tfw I had Lance Jacks more competent than them.
>>30376741
99% sure Finland
>>30368902
I'm considering joining the Texas Air National Guard. Anyone here in the Nat guard? Any tips or info you could provide would be much appreciated.
>an exercise
>we have established a base on a hilltop, have sentries posted on the perimeter
>the very first evening our car patrol intercepts the enemy rangers' supply truck bringing them their rations
>lol.jpg
>few hours later when it's dark enter the hut acting as command post
>suddenly the platoon commander starts screaming
>the rangers had snuk into our base and were now carrying the platoon commander away
>mfw I had been standing two or three feets from the commander and hadn't seen the rangers
I guess they were not amused when we captured their food
>
>>30377041
Army guard here. When its good its good. When its shit its really shit. Go for it.
tfw I just found out one of my battle buddies killed himself a few days ago.
>>30377078
Sorry to hear that man. That's another thing, I'm torn between army and air. I've got a hard on for tanks and planes. One of my buddies was in the air guard security forces. That's the route I was thinking of going. What's shitty about it anyway and how long is the contract?
>>30377103
I am on for 6 years. you want to be officer or enlisted? The shitty parts come with a peacetime military. Stuff like death by powerpoint, epic hazing, and all around bullshit. Overheard in the moterpool:
>The recruiter promised me call of duty,
>all I got was the loading screen.
>>30377130
haha I kind of figured there wouldn't be too much action. I'm not totally decided on that yet. As of right now, I just want it for the benefits and the discipline. Depending on how things go I might want something more out of it. Another thing I'm worried about is my ears were pierced and stretched when I was a dumb shit fresh out of high school. I don't know if this would disqualify me or not, but it's the only reason I didn't go active duty in another branch when I was younger.
>>30377005
Fuck man I thought I had it bad being the turbo specialist doing the training duties of 3 sergeants. Thank God I got transferred to a new squad with competent (prior deployments) nco's for my last year. I can't even imagine that much potato that high
>>30377041
Prior response guard is correct. Keep in mind for guard and reserves there is next to no change in the roster under e5 so if you fuck up it is always there
>>30377147
I was told if a recruiter can shine a flashlight through it you are disqualified. However rumor is that they were offering exemptions left and right in the surge, but not now that shits more exclusive. If you are serious though, go to a recruiter and find out. Procrastination is the enemy.
>>30377147
If marines, don't go infantry bro, I'm warning you, it ain't a fucking game sometimes, people literally get hazed to suicide.
>medic
>10 day final training war
>do nothing for a week, basically just patrol the area searching for non-existent enemies and sunbathing
>move to a new area in the middle of the night, only tough part of the whole training
>sergeant decides fuck it, let's attack someone
>attack our signal guys (who were on our side) in the middle of the night, keep them up for many hours
>next day attack our supply guys and pioneers
>signal guys find out it was us who attacked them and attack us the following night
>no one can be arsed to get out of our sleeping bags, everyone continues sleeping while blanks keep going off in our defense positions
good times
>>30377167
Just the guard guy, but my personal hazing favorite was a E6 who out in the field did not want to sit in the dirt so he made me get on my hands and knees and be his chair. He then demanded I sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". I love the infantry.
>>30377156
Yeah, it's a recent development that occurred when they fucked the ADF over.
They cut pensions, penalised people for mentioning pensions, blockaded services, privatised in house roles (food on base is now fucking transfield services) and moved away from a merit based system into cert style courses.
If you can count to ten and sign your name, you make lance, 20 and your address and you male corporal, etc.
Basically all it takes to make WO2 is a few years of being a CO2 Production Specialist, and skills such as reading a letter and pissing without hitting the seat.
>>30377210
Well I thought the bugged china hacked crash training software paired with the kneepad promotion system was bad. But at least deployment and college counted for something substantial. You fuckers were salty over at KAF to begin with I will hate to see what your grunts are like in a few years
>>30377232
Nah mate, that's just bantz.
A mate of mine was over in HP back in the day, and the defence minister visited, before he landed they were taken aside by the OC and threatened with life ruining consequences if they dared to mention the pension in front of him.
>>30377253
Heh we had something like that when some 2 star visited re use of force (shoot back after you are dead) by that warning every soldier in my company under e5 is fucked with no fucks given. Side note we love you crazy bastards for the bantz but you lot were even more salty with the roe and bullshit pay/contractor issues
>>30377300
*than we were damn this night shift has me tired
>>30377210
No please, don't say this shit.
This is legitimately my worst fear about signing up, as I feel that they are handing out leadership roles to anyone with a brain, rather than people with experience and leadership ability.
Is it really all that bad? Is there a chance I am going to end up being run into some hellhole of a fire line just because the newly appointed female CO has no fucking clue what she is doing?
Rifleman hopeful by the way, hoping to make sniper because already a competetive shooter. Is is as shit as all this mates?
>>30377393
ADF btw.
>>30377162
It's been my enemy for a long time. Will do /k/omrade, I'll look into it and push for an exemption. Last time I checked the surgery is about 3 grand.
>>30377167
My cousin is in the marines. If I could get in I'd love to. I don't care about all the bullshit, because I know I could look back on it and laugh. However, I'll most likely be in the guard. We'll see what happens though.
Thanks for the replies. Vires et honestas.
>>30377393
Peace time for the anglo sphere let the annual fuck fuck games begin
>>30377434
Read up on 90's military service after desert storm. Unless we proxy war with China and/or Russia
>>30377447
Noted thanks for the advice.
>>30377458
You are welcome and consider air force/guard. You get to do cooler shit with less fuckery during peacetime and can (if you have the crazy) switch services if we do get kinetic againp
>be me, voulenteer service in Slovenian Army
>our second week of field trials
>sergeant says tonight you sleep in the field, not the platoon tent in the camp
>we go out, find a nice clearing and set up camp
>camp looks like festival ground, no perimiter security, no nothing
>60mph wind, storm brewing
>sergeant comes to check on our camp, loses his shit over the lack of anything resembling a perimiter securitiy
>hike all night in the storm, set up camp with propper security like 7 times
>3am, return to camp
>see platoon tent on it's side, wind knocked it over
>star fixing tent in 60mph wind, takes until 4:30am
>sergeant says nice job guys, now write an essay on the importance of perimiter security
>700words.txt
>write until 5am
And that's how i learned the importance of perimiter security
>>30377436
Fair enough, but I am hoping we will get bored and decide to meddle in someone else's business anyways.
I just don't want to be led by someone who hated penises/stress to start with, so a few dead grunts doesn't mean much.
We telling boot camp stories?
>be me
>in recruit training at sunny San Diego
>lost count of the days, its all a blur
>never will forget my rackmate, a Texan we'll Williams
>always cracking jokes under breathe, pushing the limit between being a smartass and technical
>constantly get hazed with him, almost always worth it for the lulz
>one day getting fucked with before racking out, getting dressed and undressed
>we got range high and the highest range score over all so SDI lets us wear our sweattops
>getting count down put our sweattop, throw it on but hear Williams grunting and cussing
>look over to see him fucking, countdown ends and he goes to the POA in defeat
>he literally somehow shoved his head into one of the arms of the sweattop
>he just stands at attention with his head in the arm, can make his face out through the arm
>killhat comes down looking, I'm failing to hide my wideass smile
>killhat stops dead in his tracks looking at Williams
>first he had a look of disbelief, drops his face so his hat hides his face
>"F-FUCKIG F-FIX YOSELF" he screams while trying his hardest not to laugh and storms into the duty
>we just stand there meanwhile Williams head is still in the arm of his sweattop
>j hat comes out, undresses us and continues the fuckery
>killhat reappears, running at me and Williams pretty much foaming at the mouth
>get IT'd the rest of the night and put on first firewatch
>mfw this was just one of the many shenanigans Williams would get me into
I've got some fleet and overseas stories, no combat though
>>30377516
Isn't that why Britain is trying to leave the EU. I mean another scrap with the jerries is inevitable. On a serious note I figure some 18th century style colonial conflicts are possible (seeking cheaper labor and more resources)
>>30377539
That was more what I had in mind, some kind of scramble to stabilise some of the African failed and near-failed states to ensure contracts for partially government owned bussinesses etc.
I don't mind fighting for that desu, I just don't feel like dying a death caused by someone else's incompetence.
>>30377393
Sniper is a massive amount of field craft, observation skills, navigation, comms... and about 5% actually shooting shit. Maybe less actually now that I think about it.
Also- get fit
In terms of what the ADF was when I joined (late 90's) and what it is now (actually I don't really know exactly as I left ages ago) but we've come through in the 00's cut a lot of fat off the shittier bits and got us a budget. However, the main thing is that there are still officers and probably some NCO's running around that aren't 100% peacetime fuckwits and have actually seen a bit of the sharp end. A bit of blooding does wonders for a modern army as it sorts out the fuckery from the people that actually know what the job really is.
Will you end up hating them?
Of course, for the last 3000 years some boot has been whinging about the 'centurion is a bit of a cunt' all the way to where it is now. Feel free to whinge, no one cares :)
>>30377525
Don't just tell us you have them, post them
plz
>>30377041
Air Guard is best guard.
>>30377600
Yeah thanks for that man, just praying I get a blooded CO.
Sniper shooting wise was just for hopeful selection during employment training, the other stuff I am decent at through a life of extreme sports.
I am genuinely looking flrwards to some hazing, making sure to bring lots of smokes too, so feeling relatively set.
Any idea how hard it is to go reserve first and transfer to active at a later date? I only ask because I have a shot at a degree that may not be around in 4-8 years.
>>30377621
I went cut lunch killer for a few years and into uni, from there I did a degree with about half of it under scholarship and into officers pig pen.
Reserves are handy because you'll soon figure out if the jokes for you, or its just going to hamper what you want to do in life- which is important to consider how long you intend to go into the military and what you're going to do after that. There's various trades, technical and other relevant management skills you can pick up along the way.
Peacetime sucks in the military, but its pro being that you get time to train and that was something we struggled to do sometimes between tours.
>>30377300
>>30377307
I'd believe that.
What I wouldn't give to be a part of the Lithuanian army, roll about on dirt bikes and kill everything that moves.
Best we had was 2CDO running around pretending to be spoopy doopy instead of direct entry infantry like everyone else.
>>30377393
It is.
Also hope you like soiling yourself.
Don't actually count on being a sniper though, very competitive job. Try going direct entry into 2CDO, much better opportunities for getting sniper qual there and better pay.
>>30370332
welcome to aviation.
>>30377655
Was looking at this as well, what is the competition like if I am going in with a class of fresh recruits?
Full of retards, or is everyone already easily rifleman material?
As far as fitness goes for direct entry, the prerequisites should be piss easy yeah?
buddy told me this one
>be role player for seal training
>universal studios made the mock village, so its got eveything
>seals have to clear a 6 story school building with 12 bad guys and 3 hostages
>role players are hostages, civilians, etc.
>before the exercise everyone is sitting around
>role player is talking shit about how hes gonna be a bad guy and fuck the seals up
>doesnt know the seals are at the next table
>role players assigned roles
>dick heads role is to be a civilian on a moped buzzing around town
>training starts
>seals helicopter onto roof of school
>clear floor by floor to the bottom
>all hostages secure, all bad guys dead, no seals injured, in and out in 6 minutes
>head count after training is over
>one roleplayer missing
>another count
>still one off
>start searching the town
>hear banging from one of the lockers in the school
>open door
>trash talking dick is in the locker
>blood all down his shirt from his nose
>paper pinned to his shirt reading "BITCH"
>he says he was riding the moped, went past an alley, and got an elbow in his face from the shadows, then woke up in the dark
>seals face when
>>30373188
my only OTS story is getting my uniforms on halloween so the nice ladies at the shoppette all had costumes on. i got my ABU pants from someone dressed up like a cat.
I've posted before, kinda /x/ related.
>In Afghan getting ready for a night patrol
>It’s about 2AM
>Just had orders given out so we are getting our shit together to put into the bushmasters.
>We are delayed for some dumb reason, so we are just chilling by the bushys, some people are napping and others smoking.
>I’m on the ground looking at the stars listening to the sound of nothing (but occasional gun shots in the distance)
>See a weird triangle like light in the sky just staying completely still
>Tap my mate next to me ask him if he can see it.
>We assume its some other counties plane or halo?
>Having a smoke it our ops guy.
>Yell out to him, he come over, point it out.
>He runs into his Ops room, comes out like 5 mins later
>By this time we have atleast 20+ soldiers looking at it
>Ops says there are no aerial vehicles in operation right now across all of nato in that section of sky and its not the right shape
>We all tell him he’s a lying cunt
>It moves west across the sky at bullshit speeds and stops instantly again
>We all freak out a bit
>Then the light just vanishes. Like just gone...
>Our Ops guy is a Capt and he can’t explain what we saw. Tells us to forget it and go on our patrol
>We do.
Any way we go on our patrol do our thing its all a buzz in the FOB about it. So naturally rank decide to have a meeting about it and we were all told it was nothing and to not speak of it any more.
I cant explain what it was like, it was hypnotizing. You couldn’t look away it was so weird and the feeling you got made you sick with nervousness.
This wasn’t a one off either there were heaps of reports of UFOs on my deployment.
>be military police
>be watching iraqi detainees in detention center
>to pee they have a hose that leads outside with water bottle cut in half
>iraqi military police are known to arrest men that owed them money or brother in laws they hate
>this detainee was one of those
>starts pissing in the water bottle
>grunt takes a running start from the back of the cell block
>jumps and kicks with both his legs into the detainees back
>detainee is sent sprawling into the wall
>starts screaming, the water bottle cut the tip of the dides dick off
>grunt freaks out, scared of article 15
>walk up to the interpreter
>"if word gets out about this you will not leave this detention center
>now do you speak english?"
>"no"
>guy gets set free the next day
>>30376849
The guy ended up dropping out before the end, as far as I know. He had been showing a very poor performance and he was booted, they told me. Seems fitting, though I haven't heard of him in over 5 years.
>>30374505
Our 32miler was mainly uphill, with light gear (essentials = webbing, food, spare clothes and rifle)
>Be sonar tech on destroyer
>in back of ship in torpedo counter measures room with half of division playing vidya
>announcement on intercom
Medical Emergency SONAR 3
>we panic, there's a tall ladder way to get down there, afraid someone fell
>nope
>friendly guy everyone liked hung himself to death
I've got quite a few stories but am at work, so here is one.
>join army as shitbag teen (we all know one)
>get to AIT where our 13P nco was too busy studying for the board to teach us shit, so didn't learn anything.
>deploy as soon as I get to unit
>halfway though deployment switch platoons, get new SGT over me.
>still a shit bag, barely pass pt tests, etc
>sgt rips me a new one, smokes the dog shit out of me constantly
>realised I didn't know shit about my mos
>smokes my ass more, teaches me a fuckload
>end of deployment, he changes bases "fuck yes finally I hated that fucker"
>back in normal unit, no longer such a pos shit bag,passing pt tests easy now, am one of the best in the brigade in my mos
> realise it was because of him, never get a chance to thank him
>be Signal in ESB
>never work
>collect paycheck
15 months gents and it's still going on.
>>30377976
NCOs like that are very rare these days. You were lucky anon
>>30368902
I'd like to work a a field medic. I've got no medical education. What's my chances?
>>30368902
>field exercise, overcast night, it's really fucking dark
>stealthily advancing towards opfor, really fucking close
>take firing position against a mossy rock while other group advances
>strange sensations all over body
>rock is not rock, rock is in fact anthill
>onboard aircraft carrier USS Enterprise
>2005, 6, 7, something like that
>stationed in Norfolk, might have been in the shipyards
>anyway
>Navy personnel all over the Hampton Roads area
>>(Norfolk, Virginia Beach, Portsmouth, Newport News, etc)
>racking up DUIs at an insane pace
>Enterprise is, as always, the tip of the spear
>>(at least the guy who did 100+ mph the wrong way down the interstate right into a couple on their way to the hospital wasn't one of our guys
>>hint; mom and dad dead, and the baby that was about to enter the world, didn't)
>Brass is RIPSHIT
>CO gets on the shipwide TV during a safety standdown, calling down fire and brimstone
>next person who gets a DUI, I don't care who, is getting publicly masted (NJPd; military kangaroo court)
>someone gets a DUI within days
>Whoops! He was a Chief! No mast for him!
>wtf.jpg
>week later, an E-3 gets a DUI
>stage is setup in the hangar bay
>"prisoner" escorted in by 4 man Security detail carrying M-16s, 2 with grenade launchers
>>didn't even know Security HAD grenade launchers, did they have to get them from Weapons Department?
>CO goes on like a baptist preacher, asks if sailor has anything to say for himself after he throws max allowable punishment at E-3
>E-3 chooses to remain silent
>CO gets even madder, kicks him out of the Navy
I believe in good order and discipline, and in fucking up the day of people who get DUIs, but when the CO broke his word about holding people responsible regardless of rank, and then turned it into a fucking circus when a lower enlisted guy fucked up soon thereafter, I just lost all respect for him.
>>30378155
>I just lost all respect for him.
WELCOME TO THE ARMED FORCES SON
>>30378083
>lol
Many years ago I was overseas in an 'advisory role' training some guys in running around in the bush.
Navigation, bit of field craft, basic survival and stuff.
>whole platoon of boots and about another 10 or so fresh meat officers
>Navigation - fail
>Night navigation - failing very hard
I get a couple of officers with this constipated look on their faces, first time innabush without GPS, NVG's or radio
>iz dark
>might be bears
>might be locals that shoot people running around lost as fuck
Well you better press on lieutenant and get the platoon back home or you're fucked
>In simple terms, your CO will shove pointy things up your arsehole for the rest of your miserable life
>They can't buy a clue from me
>Take charge guy emerges
>Thinks he knows where the fuck we are
>Delegation ensues, boots have given up on life entirely and decided to lay down and die while officers figure shit out
Some time later...
>Take charge guy leads the way
>He and his point man
>Onna roll, gunna get home in record time
EEEEEEEEE!
EEEEEEEEEEE!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
Its finally happened, point guy, take charge guy are down thrashing on the ground, their screams have literally frozen 40 guys in their paces
>iz dark
>might be bears
>might be that scene from Deliverance
>Point and Take Charge are up and running back our way
>About a million angry hornet/wasps on their arse
>Every man for themselves!
Took them about a half hour to find everyone, but they did actually get back in the allocated time. Point guy and Take charge where pretty much carried out after being beaten like they owed someone $500
>>30378060
the military will teach you everything you need to know if you're willing to learn, and kick you to the curb if you're not.
>>30378155
Thats an insane amount of corruption.
(if true)
>>30378171
>ARMED FORCES
No, no, I was in the Navy, not the real military.
The Navy (with a few notable exceptions, like pilots, Marine corpsmen, seals, seabees, etc) is basically a military fetishists club where people sit at fucking desks all day and pretend that they're saving democracy by pushing paper. There are some jobs where people bust their asses all day and night to ensure an important job gets done, but I always thought aircraft painters who called themselves warfighters were really stretching it. Working 16 hour days doing unskilled labor doesn't mean you're a warfighter, it means you're poor and broke. It's a job that needs doing for the benefit of their country, and they should be rewarded for that; hence, the GI Bill. But they shouldn't (and I don't) tell people they were in OIF/OEF as if they were riding around Fallujah, just because they got the fucking ribbons.
The other thing that always pissed me the fuck off was how much of the upper chain of command were ignorant, lazy, unqualified bastards who had gained rank by joining a peacetime Navy and then constantly refusing to stop reenlisting. They gained rank in the corporate Navy while barely doing any damned work, and then acted like they fucking earned it.
(Ex MM2, BTW)
>>30378292
Then allow me to rephrase that;
WELCOME TO THE SHITSHOW SON! AT LEAST IT WASN'T THE COASTGUARD!
>>30378053
Yeah man. I wish I hasn't realized it as late as I had. His ass whoopings lead me to a great military career and helped me in civi life once I got out.
>>30377609
Lol I'm at work so I'll try to sneak some in.
More on Williams
>be me
>still recruit training
>we're reaching the end if it all, 3rd phase and shieey
>we pick up two drops from another company, little black guy and a literal manifestation of autism
>hes this pale, out of shape, goofy looking edgelord
>I remember his name was Slayman, he'd put on the quarterdeck just for his name sometimes
>he couldn't get along with anybody and no one wanted to anyways
>just looking at this kid made you want to not get near him
>got hazed by the DIs for everything and was always picked last in team events
>always fucked up so we got smoked on the account of this autist
>he was in the rack next to us so we were constantly roasting and picking on him
>nothing crazy, just the usual shit talking you'd expect in an environment full of men
>lol kid can't handle the bantz, literally spergs out on us yelling
>wish I could've had some way to record it so I could show everyone on here
>would blurt out "SH-SHUT UP Y-YOU FAGGOT", he sounded like the crazy breakdown kid who shoves remotes up his ass
>me and Williams love it, we laugh ourselves to sleep when the lights are out
>one day the platoon collectively gets tired of Slaymans shit, Williams take this as a golden opportunity
>me, Williams and Slaymans rackmate who probably hated him more than any of us ever could devise a plan
>we wanted to blanket party his ass like in FMJ but Williams wanted to be original
>we enlist the help of these two Taco Americans and put the plan in effect after lights out
>we wait for the DI to go into his duty hut, we slowly make our way to Slaymans rack
>me, his rackmate and the to Taco Americans grab his blankets and pull down
>almost immediately, Williams jumps on him, naked as the day he was born
>he pops a squat right over Slaymans face and T-Bags him
>he was able to rest his nutsack over his eyes for a solid 5 seconds
Cont'd
>>30378266
That was this chain of command, BTW. Lot of real fuckin winners.
>be in boots camp
>watch movie about "the first 72 hours" or sumshit
>all about how a bad chain of command will totally fuck up incoming sailors' perceptions of the Navy and turn them into shitbags
>get to first boat
>chain of command is just like the CoC from that shitty bootcamp video
>wtf.jpg
>>30378337
>I see no way this could end badly
>>30377976
Another story since I am on break.
>basic training, day 3, DS still being major hard asses
>my chin hair grows like a weat field
>DS starts screaming at me that evening about not shaving
>DS "private, go get your razer"
>run, grab razer, run back
>forced to dry shave in front of entire platoon
>dare not make a face at all whiling shaving as to not give them the satisfaction
>blood running down cheecks, chin, etc onto uniform
Later that evening
>males lined up in barracks
>getting smoked
>DS goes into latrine, inspects, someone left a huge shit right in the toilet
>DS loses his shit and smokes us some more.
Worst bday ever.
>>30378337
>at that point Slayman was screaming and wailing at us, Williams manages to squeeze out a fart before we disperse to our racks
>Williams decides to take Slayman for a circuit, Slayman is fucking losing his shit, face is beet red while Williams is literally lololing the whole wah
>runs down the recruit and DI highway before taking a sharp turn to our rack
> as Slayman tries to orient himself DI crashes out of his duty hut
>Slayman stops dead in his tracks, DI unleashes the full fury of a man who had to take care of 90 retards on no sleep, protein bars energy drinks and pre workout
>eats his face for a good 5 minutes, not on e letting him explain himself
>DI loses it completely and grabs Slayman by the collar and goes outside to the pit
>this man was filled with so much rage and hate for this fag that he put his career on the line to smoke him in a sand pit in the middle of the night
>mfw me and Williams watch from the window as Slayman gets Slayed
>mfw he would get dropped again thanks to a suicide attempt
>mfw we never stopped fucking with him until he got officially dropped from the platoon
Lol am I a bad person or did we do the Corps a favor?
>>30378396
Well I mean you did manage to pull an FMJ and nobody actually died, so I'd say you did the right thing. It just happened to be fucking hilarious.
time for another swiss story:
>Be sergeant in Lyss
>fellow sergeants have trouble with civilian instructor
>instructor has a crippeld arm since birth
>let's call him stumpy (that was what they used to call him behind his back)
>squad of said sergeants have to retake a test on evening leave
>later that week
>all sergeants are in the company commanders office
>topic of one arm instructor comes up
>commander is a no-nonsense guy
>says with a stone cold face "Mr stumpys empathy lies in his left hand"
>his missing hand
>dead silence
>"that was a joke"
>we burst out laughing
I have another one from NCO school if you're interested
oc courtesy of yours truly
>be finnfag
>conscript
>force on force training
>have those blank firing adapters and laser senor things
>I was think in USA you call the MILES or something
>female Vänrikki (2 lieutenant I think in American terms)
>she starts shooting at the treeline and says we are in contact
>platoon takes cover and begins "returning" fire into the treeline
>she turns around and "kills" one of oir own guys by ND'ing her rifle
>she calls for mortars
>a minute later half the platoons gear is going off and beeping
>"YOU ARE DEAD. SHRAPNEL-HEAD"
>she called in short rounds
>Find out later the enemy was over 2 kilometers in the opposite fucking direction
>we were shooting at nothing
>in summary, no contact with the enemy, 27 dead, 30+ wounded
>She remained in charge
>As far as I know, she is still an officer somewhere in the Army in charge of people
>mfw women in combat positions
>>30378524
>be muhreen innaship
>heading to that magical sandbox Kuwait
>hear a rumor that someone got caught fuckin' on ship
>go to my suiddie contact for all things Navy
>tells me they found this E-5 going to downtown pound town on a female E-5 in one of the dark rooms
>guy who found him was a senior chief
>fast forward a couple days, I'm walking to the messdecks and pass these two jokers on he way
>Dude is standing in his service uniform, quiet and deadpan face, eyes front
>Chick is BAWLING, crying her eyes out in he service uniform outside the Chief's Mess
>disgusted by the sight of this and proceed to the mess deck
>later I found out from my Navy POC of the charges
>Dude got reduced to E-2, put on liberty restriction and extra duties, and reduction of pay along with the 45/45
>chick got an ass chewing, busted down to E-4 and class B liberty restriction
>talk to the dude who got busted down on the flight deck one day
>mfw he wasn't even mad
>>30370266
Timppa saatana. About the trucks being left unlcoked, drivers are told to leave the doors open and keys in the ignition so that other people can move or take the vehicle if they get the order. It kinda sucks when the guy who has they keys is nowhere to be found and you should have hit the road five minutes ago.
t. fat fuck
>>30377770
They've recently dropped requirements.
Beep test is now a paltry 7 - I did a 10 with a BMI a hair under 30.
2CDO has a higher fitness entry requirement, including pull ups, but overall (as it is direct entry) you are bound to find the exact same mix of retards.
To be honest, if you're going in career, consider officer - enlisted is not the place for everyone.
Current nasty girl.
> at drill
> running out of shit to sweep
>fml here comes the E-7
> me and privates pecker head and snowball know we are fucked
> E-7 has that glitter in his eye
> private 1 i need you to go into that room and repeat this phrase to the letter or i will pt you till i puke
> " I need a prick E-5 to stop fucking himself and get outside"
> repeat process for all 3 of us
> my anus will never be the same
> still love the guard
>>30378347
Got some more Navy ones from awhile back just keep this going; didn't see this thread until this morning, and there's some gold in here.
>>30379485
Start screenshotting for posterity then nigger, I can't because I'm on my phone
>>30379485
Snuck up on two naked teenagers having sex in a sealed-of area, wearing full combat-gear and NVG, with my buddy and his K9. They were literally crying for their lives when we had the dog going apeshit on them on a short leash and two heavily armed and kitted out MPs yelling at them to not move, seconds after scaring them to death bursting out of the night. Lulz were had.
>>30379513
>I'm on my phone
Likewise. Taking a nice work shit, while dealing with the issue I first mentioned in the first post of picrelated.
>should have listened to the other ex-nuke in the thread
>totally called it.
>Hemorrhoids.
>Turns out that spending the entirety of your late teens and early 20s eating shit and drinking like a fish can have some Ill effects.
>never went to Medical b/c, lol "bleeding from the ass"?
>didn't need that shit in my life
>been dealing with it since '05, '06?
>finally got it checked out this year
>>30379595
So, any ex-mil guys have bleeding when you wipe your ass? Picrelated, 40% of people get them, even more prevalent in ex-military. Go to the doc and get it dealt with.
Go see your Primary Care Physician, tell him/her what's going on, they'll send you to a surgical specialist, and they'll shove a rubber band gun up your ass to make the thing die, clot, and fall out. No anesthesia involved, but you may want a ride home the first time. I went into "pelvic floor muscle spasms," which are basically man-contractions. Best treated with a hot bath and several cold beers. Surgery's only necessary if it's way too close to the outside (too many nerve endings).
>A Public Service Announcement about anal damage from your Uncle San
>>30377824
My guess would be some kind of ordnance. Maybe a distant javelin or something if it looks like it's not moving and then moves real quick?
>>30369023
>Day later
>Shipyard contractors that were responsible for removing this section of piping and whose job it is to fix the reason why poo sprayed out of there show up
>They look like they're setting up to see if they can reproduce what happened
>Warn them how much shit came out and how much pressure it was under
>They just set up some plastic bags to try and catch it
>Explain how that really isn't going to be adequate if it happens again
>They insist its fine and that there can't possibly be that much shit in the system to begin with
>We all just GTFO the torpedo room
>10 minutes later 3 shit covered shipyard workers
>>30379679
Kek'd heartily
Learned the rest of this story via drunkenly Googling his name one day. Turns out he went to Canada and requested asylum.
>>30379720
Not me, but...
>Be my dad
>101st airborne in the early 90's
>get sent to Panama for training
>exercise is basically to parachute into the jungle and figure out how to get home.
>Dad jumps in
>knows he'll most likely spend the night alone under some tree
>so he walks a few miles, and sets up a little campsite for the night
>just laying
>can't see the stars because of the fucking trees
>starts counting leaves to alleviate boredom.
>starts getting dark
>dad dozes off for a bit, but wakes up
>wakes up to a man in the trees
>Dad flips the fuck out but doesn't move
>just stays under his poncho
>man in the trees gets closer
>is hanging on a brach only inches away
>Dad then smells the smelliest smell of all
>like, as he explains it, "Shit, liquid garbage, and liquid shit."
>dad realizes a forest goblin is not coming to steal his soul
>it's a big, fat, covered in shit, Sloth.
>It gets right in front of him and just stares
>dad realizes he'll never get an oppertunity like this again
>reaches his hand out and touches it
>It hisses at him
>dad, not knowing jack shit about sloths flips out and packs his shit and leaves.
>>30378396
>smoke him in a sand pit
I'm a civilian, what does this mean?
>>30380142
Not him.
I was a marine grunt and we called it making sugar cookies. Make a guy PT till sweating then mountain climbers in the dirt so he's caked in mud.
>>30380142
There's a literal sandpit and they make you exercise in it until you're completely exhausted, called "smoking"
When I was in Basic for the Army, we used to get smoked in our war room, and the walls would literally have water running down them from all the sweat in the room. Guys would be slipping and falling all over because the floor was coated in it as well.
>>30380179
We had three sandpits across from the barracks and they were in a constant state of mush because of the amount of PT we did in them. We called the entire area "The Bakery" because we were always making cookies
>>30380179
>>30380321
Thanks friends
>be me
>be innairaq
>be handling some logistics
>we get a shipment of watermelon
>Fucking watermelon
>unpacking them into a storage unit
>Lt in charge comes over
>tells us that someone is stealing melons
>isn't any of us
>Lt is furious and questioning everyone within range
>as we are in charge of the melons we're following him
>he sees a camel eating one of the melons
Gonefuckyougood.jpg
>Lt grabs a 2x4 siting around and hits this fucker over the head
>just fucking devastated in two hits
>skull collapse on the third
>Lt draws pistol and just lights into it
>complete mag dump
>>30380829
>this is what happens to thieves in my sandbox
>>30379218
explain in civvy words
>be me, dutch army guy
>on training in a village
>civvies walk the street as we patrol in full combat load
>nobody bats an eye
>i carry the pantserfaust on my back
>having a short stop
>kneel down next to a car
>pantserfaust smashes through the windshield of the car
>owner walks out of his house and starts charging at me
>buddies work him to the ground and try to calm him down
>make my way out of there as fast as my legs can carry me and the 60kg's of crap on my body
>run into the Lt.
>"Everything okay, Anon?'
>"Yeah sure, are we ready to move out again?"
And thats how I made the local news.
>>30379651
Oh... Th-thanks man....
>>30379595
Well shit guys.
That all fucking sucks. I don't have the stones for any kind of military work. Not sure if it means anything coming from a civi, but thanks to you all for your service. Even if it was scrubbing shit off the side of a building/boat. You've done work that I'm too pussy for.
>>30372023
why the hell is that last post in the cap?
>>30372023
holy fuck i lost it hard
>>30378396
No you're a massive cunt
>>30376708
nice
>>30382001
not my story but i found it amusing
>>30370332
Fighter Squadrons are pretty much fraternities aren't they?
>>30378524
If she was a Vänrikki (2 lieutenant) it most likely means she stayded on contract after her conscription (usually 1/2 or 1 year)
Not my story but capped from here, I kek evrytiem.
>>30378621
I just don't feel that I am officer material without a solid amount of enlisted experience, would be exactly the person I am scared of being led by.
Also, 7? The ADF website still lists it as 10? even so though, you rate if I can pass entry it should be doable? as I heard from a mate that you want to be acing the entry if you want to survive the whole experience.
>>30370332
Meanwhile here I am as a disabled and retired navy enlisted that use to fix f-18's and now is in nursing school. Dude enjoy the military, the benefits you get are awesome once you get out too. Not only do I get my disability payment every month I get like 3k a months to go to college. And when I was getting unemployment to lololol mfw 5k going to college every month.
>Gagged by the awesomeness
>>30375779
Wrong, it's good practice to hold the leader accountable, especially when his mistake could have gotten somebody killed. It prevents him from making it in future.
>Be out at sea, midwatch
>ELT at the sink drawing a sample of reactor coolant
>Shooting shit with phone talker while waiting for water to come out of little pipe
>Captain was walking by and stops to watch
>idiot ELT not paying attention and reactor coolant sprays all over the Captain
>Captain drys himself with Kimwipes (paper towels) kept nearby for this very thing
>Captain frisks himself with radiation detector to make sure he is clean
>goes to wardroom where Engineer is doing paperwork
>"Eng, you might want to monitor a primary coolant sample in the next couple of days."
>>30382961
That dude sounded like a chill captain. He didnt just start yelling, only told them to watch what his people were doing.
Not mine but one of my grandpa's old stories
>be granddad
>go to sign up for navy but get swooned by another recruiter into joining the Marines
>in basic
>standing at attention
>hot as fuck out
>flies buzzing everywhere
>grandpa thinks he's out of sight of the DI, so he smacks a fly that was buzzing on his neck
>"GRANDANON! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO MY CORP" or some thing along those lines
>"sir, this recruit was hsving problems with this fly, sir" or something similar
>apperently, the DI took the fly in both of his hands and said with a sad voice "this fly was my best friend...we have to have a funeral..."
>makes grandpa dig a grave for a couple hours in scalding hot weather as the rest of his unit have to stand out there with him in the heat
>grandpa puts fly in and fills the hole back up
>DI says "wait a minute!...I didn't get to say goodbye... :( "
>Grandpa has to dig the hole back up, retrieve the fly so the DI can say his goodbyes, then refill the hole
>other recruits threaten to beat the shit out of him if he does something stupid like that again
DI's for the marine Corp in the 60's were brutal af, my grandpa only ever told me of one other thing stupid he did and it was right at the beginning of basic, like orientation I think
>>30380906
basically myself and a few privates (lowest on totem pole) were ordered by a sergeant first class (E-7) to call our sergeant (E-5) a prick and order him to help us. Should we disobey orders we get fucked by the E-7 so we do it and get fucked by the E-5 while the E-7 watches and laughs.
>>30383191
He was chillin' the most of all my captains
>>30378155
so I shouldn't go nupoc and try to go carriers?
Maybe I should just go aviation
>>30370332
I think after so much shit about nuke that I hear, I might try to go for aviation. I just gotta get my swimming better
and knock up my ASTB scores
>>30370422
Its kinda what everyone has been trying to do so far, though. Even if it involved killing other mudslimes.
>>30383409
kek. Old farts tell the best stories.
>>30368902
Chief gets us off the ship so us mid guys don't have to stay an extra hour for drills... on the way out we pass an ensign who isn't even old enough to shave yet... my guys and me salute the ensign, our Chief does not... ensign tries to call him out, Chief tells him to fuck off... Chief remains our enlisted hero...
>>30379940
>forest goblin is not coming to steal his soul
Kek
>>30383873
>>so I shouldn't go nupoc and try to go carriers?
>>Maybe I should just go aviation
>going nuke officer
JESUS GODDAMNED TITTY FUCKING CHRIST ANON!
SHIT NO!!!
Take all this shit >>30379595, then add being personally responsible for the actions of a bunch of bitter, angry, alcoholic miscreants in their early 20s.
I would love to be a Gunners Mate. Any Navy anons have tips and advice to help me improve my odds of getting in and getting GM?
Dad's Vietnam story
>be my father
>join Marine Corps because "fuck it, gonna get drafted anyway"
>get sent to Vietnam
>driving a jeep down a supply route
>come to a river crossing
>pontoon bridge, wide enough for one lane of traffic
>10mins one way 10mins the otherway
>see truck en route to DFAC (chow hall) full of pallets of beer
>tell a-driver to stall on the bridge until the traffic swap
>just as the traffic sawp is in our favor, steal beer truck and haul ass across bridge
>bro "stalls" truck at the foot of the pontoon bridge buying 20 min head start
>get to bivouac, and borrow nearby front end loader
>friends help bury a pallet of beer and scurry away with the rest
>just as front end loader finishes patting down fresh dirt MPs pull up
>everyone tru-bro, no blue falcons
>MPs recover the truck and all but one pallet of beer but no suspects.
>throw party for everyone with the buried beer
>invite MPs
>>30384890
that gap was supposed to be pic
>>30384243
really? even on a carrier? i thought it'd be better than being stuck on a sub
and they get a SWO tour
Grandfather's WWII story
>be grampy
>join Army because "fuck it, gonna get drafted anyway"
>become part of air crew
i don't remember the specific position or craft
>shot down over Europe, bail to the ground safely
>in nazi occupied territory, evade, escape, egress
>see patrol coming, duck into hedgerow
>pretty well concealed, patrol will easily miss hiding spot
>hear rustling behind
>cant turn to see without exposing position
>patrol getting closer
>rustle getting closer
>closer
>and closer
>both the patrol and the rustling right on top of position now
>slowly throw hands up and surrender
>as Nazis take granpa in to custody turn to see the source of the sound
>fucking cow
>spend the reminder of the war in a stalag because of a bungling bovine buffoon.
>Be me
>tech crew on a C130
>transiting through India
>take off from India
>mangy ass alley cat crawls out of a pallet of boxes
>bennyhill.mp4
>pilots aware something is happening, but no idea what and decide to descend to 9000ft to be safe
>loadmaster finally catches the damn thing
>loadie opens ramp and punts cat out the back
>Indian Ocean's problem now
>ramp closes and we continue on our way
>>30379595
When you are leaving mid-july on a NF contract.....
>>30383873
DO NOT GO NUKE FUCKING TRUST US ALL
go aviation please! they are fucking spoiled.
Story I heard from an old buck (OB) teaching a Radiation Safety Officer course.
>be old buck (OB)
>Vietnam era
>join Navy to avoid Army
>end up in nuclear power on subs
>squadron is scheduled for exercises, to be attended by brass
>something hits the fan, exercises cancelled. OB's sub stays pierside, reactor shutdown.
>OB is standing Shutdown Roving Watch (SRW)
>Buddy is standing Shutdown Reactor Operator (SRO)
>SRO technically "owns" the reactor plant, only subordinate to Engineer and CO.
>SRW knocks on Maneuvering (reactor control room) door, "Request to enter and report"
>SRO replies "enter"
>SRW notices shiteating grin on SROs face, asks wtf he's so happy about
>"this time tomorrow, I'm going to be a civilian"
>SRO tells OB about how, 20 minutes earlier, a man had come walking in in a suit and tie
>Admiral Hyman Rickover, the father of Naval Nuclear Power, and the head of Naval Reactors, hated wearing a uniform, and was instantly recognizable, even in a suit
>SRO turned to him and said "step back out, and ask permission to enter"
>Rickover: "Son, do you know who I am?"
>SRO: "I don't care who you are, step back out, and ask permission to enter"
>Rickover: "Son, I'm going to ask you one last time, do you know who I am?"
>SRO: "And I'm going to tell YOU one last time, get the hell out of my space, or I'll call forward to security and have you THROWN out!"
>Rickover turns and leaves
>OB finishes hearing this story, figures shit's about to hit the fan, and turns and leaves
>10 minutes later, footsteps. Many. Hides behind turbine.
>CO, XO, Engineer, Rickover, and a relief SRO knock on the door, state "Entering as (or "with") CO
>a minute later, now former-SRO departs with entourage, new SRO standing watch
>half hour later, former-SRO returns by himself, looking crestfallen, enters Maneuvering
>relief SRO goes back to bed
>OB knocks on door, requests to enter Maneuvering
>"Dude, what the hell happened?"
>"That son of a bitch gave me a Navy Achievement Medal!"
>>30382783
You can't transfer from enlisted to officer without an incredible exception after years and years of work - read up on enlisted and commissioned responsibilities before you make your decision.
Check again, army direct entry PFA is 7.5, 10.1 for 2CDO/Divers.
It's much lower for other forces.
>>30368902
>bandcampgirlscene.mp4
>enlist in navy (because lazy shit and needed boot in ass)
>meets the 3 RDC's
>does bootcamp shit for a few weeks
>gets ITE twice a day
>fml.exe
>becomes rpo
>stands at church doors every sunday and wednesday
>meets nuke
>instant friends
>returns to div 944
>taps
>standing watch
>inspectors arrive
>forgets it is taps
>screams the greeting
>e7 inspector laughing ass off
>po2 screaming at me
>gets demerit chit
>watch ends
>sleep
>revelie
>at attention
>presents chit to RDC2
>orange juice for everybody
>forced to scream contest every hour with chief
>next watch cycle
>roaming watch
>writes on deck log
>childlike handwriting in recruit alphabet
>gets dropped for giving division a drop in score hours later
>anxiety attack
>sent to hospital
>pussy.jpeg
>sent to alpha seperations
>learns true meaning of recruit hell
>tard grad tells us all what battlestations is like
>never see tard again
>we all pretend he is dead
>learns tradition of last will roasting
>writes last will for departure
>everyone there is probably getting themselves another bottle(my letter said one of the recruits had their water replaced with toilet water)
>returns home
>joins college
>becomes pizza hut delivery man
>goes on internet
>discovers 4chan
>>30371475
bitches don't know a 240?
>>30385910
Fuckin' A that's depressing. Truth be fuckin' told, when I found out later that a) none of the contract is binding until you swear at MEPS, and I could have walked away, and b) you have 90 days to peace the fuck out, I was PISSED. Bunch of fucking drug dealers, gang bangers, and general absolute fuckheads. I joined the Navy nuclear program because I liked science, tech, and boats. Most people join the Navy because they have no ambition, want to get the fuck away from home, and are afraid to actually bleed. My boot camp division was at least half cowards from various ghettos, who nonetheless decided to act like fucking tough guys.
>>30385885
unexpected ending. I kekd
>>30374223
>not knowing difference between namefags and tripfags.
u fockin wut m80
>>30386192
>unexpected ending. I kekd
Truth be told, any ex-nuke would expect that ending. Rickover was a special brand of crazy.
>>30386089
the seps unit had a handful of ghetto shits acting tough. they put themselves in the foward/starboard corner of the room and i was one of two white people. i was the nerdy shit and the other was chubby. i will always remember the fat fuck for somehow smuggling his entire uniform save one of his name patches i got from him. i have that namepatch taped to my desktop build in his honor.
>>30385329
if there was a dislike or downvote button i swear to god i would have brought unholy internet judgement upon this post
>>30386392
fuck off back to lereddit and Facebook.
>>30369222
What do you fly? When were you at KAF.I was there from 2010 - 2011
>>30375779
Sounds like some kind of out of touch officer
>>30385329
I really hope this isn't true because that's cruel and unusual
>>30386701
>thinks i am restrained to one site
bitch i'm everywhere
>>30379651
What... This is a problem I have sometimes it's like I wipe and the TP looks like a used pad and I can smell the blood. I joked it was because uncle sam kept fucking me but is this actually a problem caused from military stuff?
Was so bad one time I was openly bleeding into the toilet, fuckin red oshit.jpg
>been eating MRE's straight for like a month mixed in with occasional chow
>I'm a growing boy, usually eat 2 at a time
>lifting/carrying shit all day
>go poop, blood gets worse and worse
>one day actual toilet in barracks, see the bowl has filled with dark red
>medical, so queue ohshit better get checked out this isn't good
>"hey battle come check this shit out"
>"oh shit man let's go ask SGT for permission to go to clinic"
>go to SGT in charge on duty
>embarrassed bringing it up
>"shit private it's just hemorrhoids I usually fill up half the bowl with blood"
>know he's being straight up
>ok SGT
>"just drink more water private"
And that's how I learned to accept that I was sexually assaulted by my beloved uncle sam. Because I wasn't alone
>>30377870
WTF that grunt he deserved more an Article 15. What a fucking shithead. I hope he got shot.
>>30387443
>never served in his life
Thanks for the insight into Haji hating mate.
From basic course:
> Back at base after home leave
> Get assigned to base-cleaning detail instead of class
> It's me, plus a bunch of girls on a hot morning. So naturally, all the labor falls on me
> When done, the NCO gives me an hour brake
> See my roommates waiting for me in the barracks because they got 10 minute brake from class and there's only one Key
> Tell them to leave the key under the tile in the hallway (our secret key stash) cause I'm going for a long shower
> The fuckers didn't leave the key
> 15 minutes until class starts and all I got is towell and flipflops
> Think I see one of my buds near the infirmary
> It's middle of the base and it started training, but everybody is in classes, so fuck it- Im making the run
> Fuck, it's not him
> I start running back, when I see 2 female officers going down the road in my direction, so I cut to the left through the mud behind the officer's barracks and around mine
> Maybe I can get in through the window, but I need a ladder to 2nd floor
> I run to the discipline NCO's office (the one who gave me the brake)
> It was empty, so I got in and grabbed the ladder
> He suddenly enters, and sees me there; wet, half naked with only towel at my waist, covered with mud and crazed look in my eyes-trying to his ladder
> I freeze in utter dread
> The most feared figure in base stands in front of me, and falls to the floor, rolling with laughter
> I grab the towel that fell in one hand, the ladder in the other and run past him
> Climbed in my room, changed to uniform, jumped out and got to class seconds before my CO entered the other door.
The NCO couldn't Keep a straight face for another 2 weeks when passing by me during morning flag raising.
That's it. Think I already posted this one some time ago. Got "war is hilarious" one from later in the service if anybody is interested. It's kinda opsec-ish, but I think I can work around the confidential parts.
>>30379678
seen many javelins in my time friend, don't think it was one.
>>30387875
post it mang. I need these freedom keks
>>30378555
>Got caught fucking on shit
Dude they fucking deserve it if they don't have a good spot. Nigga I once blasted into the South China Sea above decks with no one any the fucking wiser.
>>30387875
>>30387888
Might've posted this one as well, can't remember for sure:
> 2014, operation 'Protective Edge' in Gaza
> Be inna war room
> A team gets med evac from a building because RPG through the window
> I'm checking to make sure, and indeed, an RPT with sensative info was left behind
> I contact an officer on the ground, tell him to go pick it up
> -"I can't, air force already targets the area"
> I connect the air force and tell them to decenegrate the building to make sure the PC is gone
> -"We can't, it's too danger close"
> You're Fucking kidding me
> Make contact with officer again
> -"Ah, yea, we went to pick it up anyway"
> -"No, we can't bring it to you "asap"
> -"What do you mean, cause we shot it and threw it away"
> jfmsu.jpg
>pls find it, life's at stake here
> -"Are you sure? The IAF started bombing the shit out of this area"
> I even don't any longer...
> Some time passes
> "Do you have it?"
> -"yes, we got ofg the back of 2 Hamas guys that were escaping with it"
> "Hallelujah, I'm even too tired to mad as shit about this last part. Just make sure now, that the first soldier, tank, hamster, I don't care, that goes back into Israel will bring it with him"
> -"No problem, but only one problem..."
> "What?"
> -" A tank drove over it"
> "How?"
> -"A guy was guarding it, but he went to take a piss and left it on the road when a Merk drove by..."
I got it at the end: it was burned, smashed, broken to pieces and riddled with bullets.
Fucking infantry brick heads.
>>30388087
What's an RPT? I need a mental image for this thing
>>30388100
Reinforced laptop-computer for field/combat use. Don't have a pic on my phone.
>>30388114
Ah, alright, I know what you mean. Christ, was there even any point in getting it back at the end? You can only abuse a computer so much
>>30387422
Yup, that all sounds about right. Still wonder if I should have gone to Navy medical while I was in, and tried to get a few days off.
>>30385891
That's weird, across the ditch here if yah get past the Officer Selection board they'll take you, bonus points in yah prior enlisted.
>>30374186
Sweet god
>>30388119
"After the act invastigation" (or however you call it in English) managed to restore about 20% of the info that was on it. A professional private company probably could get 50%.
I knew, at least in theory back then, that something like that is possible and that's why I insisted that they will retrieve it.
And beyond that alone, it was a matter of principle of giving no spoils to the enemy; one that amplifies when dealing with terrorist group focused on high media signature and propoganda-based population control.
