/k/, it's the 17th century.
You bring your family out deep into the forest, you establish a small house and farm.
After a few weeks a fucking witch starts fucking around with your shit.
She steals one of your babies, she curses your crops, etc etc.
How do you mount a defense ?
All you have is a musket, some powder, and a few knives and axes.
You, as the head of the family have to fight off this God damn witch.
Witch powers:
Takes the form of animals
Can fly
Can transform into a beautiful woman
Potential night vision
Tends to be more active at night and during twilight
>>30042662
Make Claymore like mines and set them off when witch comes near. Rub white ash on musket ball incase witch is a skinwalker.
>transform into a beautiful woman
Offer her threesomes to stop cursing us.
White ash, salted buckshot, crosses etc. And if that doesn't work, burn down the wilderness around her so no one can have it. That's right, I'm taking my ball and heading to Virginia where I can grow tobacco and fuck slaves
Join up with the dark lord and say "Fuck you, Christ. You fucking faggot!" And go fuck the shit out of my insanely hot witch daughter-slut
>>30042662
What about Satan?
Anyways, first order of business is to kill Black Philip. Fuck that goat.
Then this: >>30042732
>>30042783
Join him you fucking Christfag pussy
>>30042799
If it means getting to rail out muh Witch waifu on the reg, then I'm game.
Throw her off a cliff bound and tied, do it in front of the local townsfolk, if she survives we go lench mobb on her ass.
>>30042817
All day erry day. Any time she starts getting raw and bloody you just sacrifice a baby and it puts her back in prime condition
>>30042783
>What about Satan?
Satan wants no direct confrontation. He gets off in corrupting you psychologically and winning the battle of the mind.
You, as a steely eyed missile man 17th century /k/ommando are immune to his bullshit.
Your fight is between you and his foot soldier, the bitch ass witch conducting guerilla warfare on your property.
Ravage me, father. For your pleasure
>>30042817
If you don't mind the fact that she's actually uglier than sin and you're being duped, then whatever. I guess we know what head you think with, and it ain't the one on your shoulders
>>30042849
>Deus Vult intensifies
>>30042882
I was talking about Thomasin, not the old hag in the Forest. Unless you're implying that Thomasin is ugly.
>>30042868
Ayyy gurl
Remove your shift
>All you have is a musket.
Like hell i do.
I'm going to show this bitch Where "Bush" in bushwhacker comes from.
>ride hard for Tennessee
>round up a posse plus as many priests as possible.
>ride back to homestead
>burn every god damned acre of wood within 100 miles of home
>find witch slut
>bust out her knees and tie the useless stumps to stakes in the ground
>rape her until she cries for the sweet release of death
>let the hounds have a poke
>string her ass up to several horses
>draw and quarter
>bury remains under the outhouse
>wait a few weeks
>if her ghost isn't haunting the place
>live there until them damn yankees burn it down.
>if she thinks she's going to haunt it
>salt the earth
>draw nudie pictures in the mud
>take my happy ass back to the Appalachian mountains.
Ain't got no time for witches when there's crop to sow.
>>30042662
I don't know shit about matchlocks and I was wondering why the primer blew up on the dad's face when he tried to shoot the rabbit. Was the witch just using her powers?
>>30042662
If this is western europe in the 17th century, the nearest city probably has a Order of Hermes chantry. Failing that, a village typically has a Verbena mage or a wise woman with links to one.
Sleepers attempting to attack mages (whether awakened ones or linear mages) is generally a bad idea.
>>30042969
It takes place in New England. Most likely Massachusetts
>>30042969
Nigga, this is when you bite the bullet and get the order of reason on the horn.
This thread has an overwhelming lack of heavy incest and demon pecker
Unrelated but that movie genuinely the first actual scary movie that was scary as shit without using jumpscares or any other cheap tactics.
However if you get annoyed by loud soundtracks this might not be for you.
>>30043044
Fucking this. The people speak in whispers but the score sounds like John Williams having an orgasmic seizure
>>30043044
>Dat opening track
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=369h9bE9DRw
Spooky
>>30043093
This is a common complaint with the film.
The voice audio was horrendous.
The budget of the film was only $1 million dollars, total. They probably ran out of money for microphones.
Hire a witcher.
>>30043135
/thread
>>30043135
Witcher is the most operator fantasy career
Get another musket for TWICE the fire power
That should do it
kill everything in the wilderness and all the townsfolk so the witch has nothing to offer her dark lord in return for magical powers.
>>30043851
REMOVE DRUID
>>30042717
>yfw 2 months in your wife is tired of going down on witch
Whole plan backfires
>>30042662
I steal her skin and walk that shit, dumb bitch had no idea who she was fuckin with.
>>30042662
Kill Black Philip
>>30043135
But what if he starts fucking the witch?
>>30045078
Join them
>>30045078
Only thing a witcher is sticking inside a violent witch is 100cm of sharpened silver. It's the neutral ones who get a pass.
>>30042732
>>30042925
I like the Sherman approach
Fire helped us conquer the natural world. It probably helps with the super natural as well.
Burn everything the fuck down
>>30042662
>Get knife.
>Make traps all around the woods during the day.
>Wait until she's stuck in one.
>Kill witch.
>Eat her flesh.
>>30042662
Three words.
William.
Tecumseh.
Sherman.
Why? Because fuck witches.
I have a gun and knives, and I'm gonna burn her damn woods down around her and if she wants to come fight me for it she can have a cross-bullet to the skull.
The other option is to try and marry her.
Gotta wonder what it's like to be married to a witch.
Also, I ain't married nor do I have kids, so that's completely an option.
>>30042817
>>30045078
>>30046385
Oh, also, define "hot woman"
What's the witch look like OP?
>>30046385
>Selling your soul to a witch
Better be a wizard acting for the glory of God than being the slave of a filthy witch
>>30046247
>prove worth to coven by eating family.
>join in bonfire orgy.
fucking love that movie anon.
>>30046440
Never said I couldn't convert her.
Anyone can be saved anon; even bronies and furries (as much as I hate it)
>>30046407
>>30042662
>dig trench around house
>cut down as many white birch as possible, put into trench
>set trench alight
>trench filled with white ash.
>fill with water
>trench filled with anti-witch slurry.
>take family silver, melt down
>coat heads of axes, teeth of bear traps and blades of knives
>any left over? coat the musket balls as well
>board up the windows, doors.
>put salt around the windows and doors.
>ring of salt in the middle of the largest room.
>stand in it with the children and wife.
>get fucking psyched.
>>30046524
As long as she's not a bitch I'm fine.
Attempting to make peace and have her change her ways is now plan A.
If that fails the original plan is back in effect.
Ok but the one in that movie is a wutch not a witch
Put on my Knights Templar cosplay armor.
Broadsword in one hand, shield on the other.
Maybe get some other LARP friends to join in.
Walk directly into the woods, and do Gods will.
>>30042662
Witches don't exist. It's probably a jewess trying to get me to pay her. I go to the city and contact the Spanish Royal Inquisitor and assist him in removing the jewess
>>30046604
>Witches don't exist
Famous last words deßu
>>30046608
Jews exist, witches don't. Killing cats and chanting around a fire doesn't give you special powers, just makes you look creepy. I guess creepy seems powerful to plebs
>>30046634
Good, just don't worry about it, nigger
>>30042662
Goddamn that movie was such shit
>>30043044
That movie was shit and you should feel bad
>>30046884
>>30046911
Not enough explosions and lens flare for you?
>>30045078
inb4 family is regularly exposed to said witcher and witch fucking on your property whilst atop of a stuffed unicorn
>>30042662
>She steals one of your babies
Plan A is to try and strike a deal that gets my kid back. If we have to leave our home in the forest that's fine, worst case scenario we can rally a lynch mob and burn that mother down. If she isn't willing to strike a deal that returns the baby, or if she's already killed the baby, then fuck it
>time2oper8m8.parchment
Track here down in the early morning immediately after sunrise, shoot and stab her to ensure she's dead. Carry the body to the nearest church, have a priest do his thing and ensure the remains aren't going to come back and kill me blair-witch style.
>>30047054
More like not enough anything happening. Then all of a sudden, lulz its satan xDDDD
>>30047094
Also, 10 Cloverfield Lane did a much better job in keeping the viewer in suspense of what's actually going on, this movie was just Spec Ops the Line-tier TOODEEP4ME shit
>>30047129
It was legit one of the scariest movies in recent memory. The costumes are fantastic too and the perception of witchcraft is period accurate. Also it has like a 90 on metacritic so I have to conclude you're a contrarian faggot.
>>30047152
>Not liking a shit movie makes me contrarian
Okay then, I'm contrarian
>>30047093
>Plan A is to try and strike a deal that gets my kid back
If you see the movie, you'll find that this is not much of an option..
Unless you want baby lasagna.
>>30047094
>More like not enough anything happening
Shit literally starts happening from the opening scenes.
The fact that you even said that makes it obvious you didn't think there were enough transformers and ninja turtles in the film.
>>30047222
Seriously. The opening fucking curdled my blood. Nothing happening? Nigger is they serious?
christians are so easy to brainwash. no wonder they go full witchcraft. the fanatic mother and father were scarier than the cackling witch bathing in infants blood. how are you gonna board your children up in a barn with a satan goat? of course this bitch went to the dark side at the end. you had no philosophy and all you said was that everyone is born evil and a sinner. fucking christians are low key satanists.
>>30047396
I think the father did the best he could under the circumstances.
Expelled from his community for standing up for his beliefs.
Tries his best to create a new life, and would have succeeded if not for this fucking witch cunt.
>>30043030
>order of reason
those fuckwits were partly responsible for the inquisition in the first place, they would just kill your entire family to on the safe side.
>>30042925
>live there until them damn yankees burn it down.
i like you anon
>>30047222
>>30047238
To be fair, it's not really a horror movie as much as it is a religious drama guest-starring Satan. If you're familiar with New England folklore you can also guess the ending. And as pointed out before the audio mixing is pretty shitty at points.
>>30047650
>witch is a cunt
>family suffers for it
>ending is daughter goes full retard
I just don't get the appeal.
Consult the Malleus Maleficarum
>>30048290
>the inquisition
Bring in the Spanish Inquisition, last thing the witch would expect.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CY-pS6iLFuc
Sign treaty with Skinwalkers offer them corn and ask that they just be cool with me. Remove Broom.
>>30042662
go fucking vietnam gook on her ass, punji traps complete with feces, blackpowder mines, Greek fire bombs to huck at her, deadfalls, snares, hidden tunnel system to shoot and scoot, burn the fucking forest down around me so she can't sneaky breeky
>>30046589
Kingdom of Heaven was an underrated movie, i loved it.
Let her have it. Its 1600s, so I will have like 13 kids anyhow, and like 4 of them will become adults, tops.
>>30046538
there are no windows
