"Real sorry about this, again" edition
Feel free to contribute your own humorous fictional (or real)) gun shop experiences.
FAQ
Q: Why are your stories shit?
A: I'm very, very sorry. I started doing these threads like a year ago, in which I told real stories. Eventually I ran out of good stories, so they became more and more fictionalized. At this point they are very low quality and completely insane.
Q: What's with the German Shepherds in your stories and why do they sometimes look like Golden Retrievers?
A: During one of the first of these threads I, or somebody else introduced a German Shepherd which simply barked, or was looking for .22lr. I can't remember, I was drunk.
Q: Why do gun shops hoard .22lr?
A: They don't, but customers do. Stores ration it out so more customers can get some and so it lasts longer.
Q: You're the reason gun shops are shitholes.
A: These stories are fictional, I was actually a very helpful employee when I worked the counter at big outdoors / camping type store. Also, that's not a question.
Q: Anon why do you drink so much? Is it PTSD?
A: Actually most of these threads are written sober.
Q: I don't like your threads / I don't think they're funny.
A: That's not a question.
>standing at counter trying to reassemble a sig p226 that i broke
>customer walks up casually like he's a customer or something
>get ready for customer to start making face hole noises with his mouth hole on his face
>he starts to say hello
>now's my chance
>sprint as hard and fast as i can straight out the front door of our shop
>trip over parking block, dislocate my shoulder
>roll over and one-handed magdump 16 shots into a parked honda civic's bumper
>keep pulling the trigger after its empty
>co-worker outside collecting shopping carts walks over to help me
>make him pop my shoulder back in place like that scene from Best of the Best (1989)
>he picks me up and puts me in a shopping cart
>pushes me back in the store and into the boss's office
>boss looks up
>"tried to run again huh anon?"
>no sir
>"what happened then?"
>i fought a grizzly bear outside
>boss docks my pay and puts a shiny sticker shaped like a copper sheriff's badge on my shirt
here we go
>>29896110
later that week
>the supply drawer i've been filling with all the sigs i break is starting to get full
>boss comes by and asks me why the case looks so empty
>tell him i've been selling a lot of guns lately, he gives me a raise
>radio check
>"copy"
>radio check can you guys hear me
>"we can hear you just fine"
>radio check hardware can you hear me
>"YES we can hear you"
>testing 1 2 3
>"firearms get off the radio"
>customer walks up
>it's a woman, she's pretty hot
>asks me where the bathroom is, she probably has to make a poop
>tell her we've got an employee bathroom she can use
>she seems hesitant
>assure her it's no problem and that its nice a tidy
>have her come with me
>she's immediately taken back by all the beautiful wild parrots flying freely around the stock room
>a gull-crested medaterranian rainbow cavvalin gracefully decends to my shoulder, i feed him a peanut and it flys off
>hand her some eye pro and a pellet gun and wrap my arms around her
>teach the hot chick how to shoot
>with my bent erection pressing onto her ass, she headshots an african grey from about 30ft
>the bird's bloody headless corpse smacks the sealed concrete floor with a thwap
>not bad
>hot chick tells me she's having fun but reminds me to show her where the bathroom is
>take her outside to the 10 gallon orange paint bucket
>>29896144
copy
>slow morning at the gun counter
>dawn ghillie suit and go radio silent
>assume prone position next to a stack of ammo cans
>peer through bushnell binoculars looking for any movement in camping department
>spot customer browsing about 20yrds out
>it's a large male
>turkey-call.exe
>wait for him to stop and turn broadside to me
>i've got a sight picture
>this'll be a perfect shot
>send it
>jump up to my feet and hurl a wad of wet paper towels at the customer
>it lands short, just at his feet
>customer looks down at the sopping brown wad of paper towels
>i remain very still now
>"Hey what the fuck!?"
>he can't see me
>"I can fucking see you asshole"
>>29896091
Your spelling has gotten worse since last thread.
>>29896321
no u
>show up for work feeling clean and clear and under control
>wearing the girlfriend's panties, they're riding up my ass pretty hard
>tight panties, tight groupings
>first customer of the day knows exactly what he wants to buy
>springfield officer's model
>perfect, we've got stock so i'll grab a fresh one from the back
>walk into back go into armory
>take out nintendo and put in a good 15 minutes of gaming before my boss radios for me to go back out
>grab a glock 19 box and return to counter
>set glock box on counter and ask customer to make sure it looks ok while i review his 4473
>"uh this isn't right, i wanted the 1911 REMEMBER?"
>explain to him that the glock 1911 is just an internet meme it will never happen
do ones with dogs
>>29896454
i need to pace myself i'm getting winded already. how many are lurking?
Do one without dogs.
>>29896454
>>29896571
i can please the both of you
>showing customer how the ruger 10/22 takedown breaks down
>phone rings
>ask customer to shut the fuck up for a minute
>'hello firearms this is anon speaking'
>BARK
>it's a german shepherd
>BARK
>me: BARK
>BARK
>me: BARK
>BARK
>me: BARK
>BARK
>me: BARK
>BARK
>me: BARK
>BARK
>me: BARK
>BARK
>me: BARK
>BARK
>me: BARK
>BARK
>me: BARK
>BARK
>me: BARK
>BARK
>me: BARK
>BARK
>german shepherd hangs up
>customer i was with decides to go ahead with buying the ruger
>try to up-sell him on 100rd drum clipazine for the .22
>customer politely declines
>dealer deny him and tell him to leave the store
>At my local shitty indoor range
>Looking at the prices are their used pistols
>Everything priced at new MSRPs with everything new priced 100 over MSRP
>Counter worker starts pushing an xDM on me
>He kept trying to tell me it's an "all american guy"
>Put out the made in croatia marks
>The salesmen says "yea thats in florida"
>>29896607
it had a dog.
I, having asked for one without dogs, am displeased.
>>29896627
>"yeah that's in florida"
toppest kek
>>29896641
whoops let me try again
>steal an air compressor from hardware and take it back to the gun counter
>duct tape an garbage bag tuxedo around my body and inflate with air compressor
>strap gun belt and holster on outside of inflated tux
>press check g17
>radio check
>copy
>go full prone belly down and very slowly crawl into fishing department
>eat a few jars of orange Power Bait
>pee into the empty jars
>put them in my dump pouch
>customers start to notice me and run to get help
>i don't come to your job and fuck with you do i?
>get tired from all the the stress and fall asleep in a yeti cooler with my legs hanging out
>wake up to some police officers standing over me with the store manager
>politely explain to the fine gentlemen that although they are concerned, i'm doing just fine and do not require any assistance
>they consider what i have to say and agree with me, they leave
>ask my manager to bring me a sleeping bag or emergency blanket from camping dpt because i'm cold in this cooler
>manager asks me where the hell i got the ice for the cooler
>tell him i forgot that particular detail when i started writing the story
>>29896091
>Tales from the *Gum* Counter
ftfy
>>29896669
Much better, zero dogs were in this story. Thank you.
>>29896716
>Newman!
>standing at counter, another hard day at work
>phone to my ear, i'm on hold
>Chuck E. Cheese manager finally picks up
>chew him out for a few minutes over how last time i came in there the dr.pepper machine wasn't carbonated enough
>a customer walks up
>hang up on Chuck E. Cheese manager
>greet customer
>customer asks for a few boxes of .40 winchester white box
>tell the customer if i had a nickel for every time i had a dollar bill with all those extra coins it would probably become annoying
having so much extra change all the time, and i would lose some in the car seat, probably need to get a coffee can or something to toss it in
when i got home. it probably wouldn't be worth it to have exact change on me for a cup of coffee like once a month
>customer starts really acting like an impatient faggot and asks again for the ammo
>calmly tell him that there are absolutely no returns on ammunition
>customer seems visibly agitated at this point
>slowly reach down and drop the retention off my holster, this guy seems unstable
>remind him not to lean on the glass
>he YELLS at me that he's not even touching the glass case and wants to talk to my manager
>politely inform him that i am the manager, apologize, hand him the ammo and an extra box and tell him that one is free
>guy is still pissed off but takes it and goes up to the register
>radio cashiers and warn them the man coming up with ammo is trying to get a discount we no longer honor
>now's a good time to go on lunch break
>>29896091
Why do some gun shop proprietors act like arrogant snobbish scrooges until you spend at least $1000 in one day? then suddenly you're on a first name basis with them?
>>29896750
Acid reflux would be my best guess.
>me: "yeah but my ball was like on top of my dick and i had to push it back down into the sack"
>coworker: "they make these metal rings you put around your balls so that doesn't happen"
>me: "i thought i was going to die"
>customer walks up and asks for .22lr
>worker tells him we're all out but we have .22 mag if he wants some of that
>customer asks when we think more .22 will come in
>me: "well i'm not sure but i can take your name and number down and add you to the list"
>customer: "oh you'll call me when you get some in?"
>me: "fuck no are you crazy, there's no god damn list"
>>29896771
The firearms community is 75% dumb assholes.
Thus, they assume everyone who walks in is either a dumb asshole who will waste their time.
It sucks, but I understand why they feel that way. You can only spend so much time trying to figure out what caliber someone wants when all they can tell you is that is comes in the green box and goes in their deer rifle.
>>29896868
>standing at gun counter racking an 870 as hard and fast as i can, repeatedly
>stop to take a sip of gatorade
>grab my radio and whisper
>"broken penis"
>amazingly don't get any response on that one from anybody
>customer walks up and asks if we have any .22
>i salad his fluflfulfflufuffu bubflufflfles up for him and his sauce is .t thank
>that went easier than expected
>better get back to the german shepherd now
>turn around and walk into the back room
>everything is the best
>the dog is made of oranges now
>we can thank eachother more
>go back to the gun counter to do my job
>show some guy an LWRC in .308, its pretty nifty
>seems like he has some cash to blow
>joke around with him, he ends up slapping his CCW down on the counter
>great ill grab you a form
>i return with 4473 and he makes a joke i've heard thousands of times 'don't let the wife know'
>boss walks by notices me making the sale
>joke's on you faggot, you're paying me to do this
>customer buys rifu and leaves
>finally i can be alone
>go back to jacking the 870 off
>870 isn't in the mood anymore and goes limp
>standing at counter playing with whalther ppk from the case
>007_theme_song.mp3
>quick draw out of a shitty galco i ripped out of the package
>a german shepherd walks up disguised as a golden retriever and asks if we have any .22
>but i know his fucking tricks
>wait a second i'll go see if we have any in the back
>BARK
>walk into back
>past several pallets of .22lr i refuse to sell anyone
>into employee break room
>wrestle with vending machine not accepting the nickels i polished up with Flitz
>finally get snickers bar
>co worker comes over and bullies me for my snickers bar
>me: but i don't WANT to give you my snickers
>him: give me your snickers bar
>me: i don't want to
>him: do it
>me: no
>him: give me your snickers bar anon
>reluctantly hand him my snickers bar
>he snatches it from me, mushes it up and throws it in the garbage
>i'm crying now
>me: fuk u dude
>him: what did u say?
>me: nothing
>walk back out, german shepherd is still there
>BARK
>let me go check in the back
>BARK
>go into armory and grab a box of .22 winchester magnum
>take price gun and increase price to $34.99
>dog doesn't know the difference and pays
>take his money and buy $34.99 worth of snickers from the employee vending machine
>>29896868
>the firearms community
i thought a weekday night would be better than the weekend for this
lurking and kek'ing, keep them coming OP.
you have any stories of retarded employees?
cause I've seen shit like mosins marked as K98s or stock savage axis' with tags that say "sniper rifle"
>standing at counter amazed by how shitty the S&W SDV9E trigger is
>take up
>take up
>creep
>crunch
>creep
>creep
>crunch
>creep
>crunch
>break
>overtravel
>reeeeeeeeeseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet
>customer walks up and asks what i'm fingering
>check clear hand pistol
>explain how great the trigger is
>"wow that is really nice"
>now look at the price
>"wow its very cheap"
>he buys it
>eat quiznos for lunch
>get diarrhea
>customer comes in later and asks me to bore sight his .308 savage
>me: "sure no problem"
>customer: "it's my first long gun."
>take out keychain laser pointer and shine it down the barrel for a while
>customer watches intently
>loosen his mounting hardware and add a couple drops of hoppes 9 to the rail
>slide scope all the way forward far as it will go
>tighten down hardware
>pull bolt back, then forward
>repeat several times
>turn towards the wall
>point rifle at wall and look through scope
>i can't see anything
>customer is watching very carefully now
>barrel of rifle is literally touching the wall
>me: "you're all set"
>customer: "how much do i owe you?"
>>29897115
hmmm yeah retarded co-workers. definitely. let me think about that for a minute.
>tagged as sniper rifle
jesus
>standing at gun counter like i usually do, fantasizing about being a pokemon trainer in real life
>customer walks up and distrubs me
>wants to browse ARs
>what's that one there?
>i point the one next to it "we'll that's an LWRC in 7.62 actually, that's why it has the funny pmag"
>"no no, just to the left of it"
>i move two spaces right "this one here is a"
>"no sorry over over" he motions left
>me: "haha oops, ok this one here is a mossberg ar15 and it'll break faster than you can zero it"
>"thats not the one i'm pointing at do you see THIS ONE right THERE"
>i point at pink ruger .22 AR "you probably don't want this one it's just a .22 and its pink, are you a faggot?"
>customer starts acting like an asshole and goes to fetch my manager
>notice he missed a belt look in back as he storms off, what an idiot
>manager walks up "you're fired"
>go home, i gave it my best
>call the shop the next day and apologize to manager, tell him my grandma is dying and i need the money to buy a playstation because she left me out of her will
>get re-hired
>smuggle in 37 guinie pigs in a gym bag the next day
>let them loose throughout the store
>hop on the radio "WE HAVE AN INFESTATION LOCK AND LOAD AND PROCEED TO WAYPOINT ALPHA"
>radio: firearms get off the radio
>load up ruger mini 14 and grab a first aid kit from camping department
>get in deer blind and wait
>to my horror several guinie pigs have the deer blind setup in ambush
>scream into radio "CONTACT DANGER CLOSE FIX BAYONETS"
>grab bear grylls boot knife off my leg and start wildly stabbing in every direction
>it's too late i'm surrounded, they're in the blind with me
>surrender
>the cuddle me and fall asleep in my lap making cute little noises
>i'm horrified but my dream of becoming a real pokemon trainer is realized
>cash my paycheck, buy playestation and stay home collecting workers comp for PTSD
>>29897115
Now that I think about it I'll save any stories about co-workers for a different thread. I don't want any old co-workers to read stories they may recognize in this thread.
anyone still lurking?
>>29897199
i'm still here, so there should be a few more of us given the poster count.
>>29897199
Lurking, you're making my day dude
>>29897226
o/k/
>>29897290
i love you to jason
>show up early for work
>we have a sale on mossberg shotties today
>grab a few bottles of lube off the shelf
>break down all the display mossberg shotties
>dump bottles of lube into them
>put them back on display
>wait for customers to arrive
>hilarity ensues
>customers have lube dripping all over them coating their hands
>start handing out tissues that just tear apart and stick to peoples hands
>"we just got them in, factory lube, you know. sorry"
>customers start dropping guns
>"you break it you buy it"
>record sales
>boss gives me a raise
>get in car to go home
>can't grip steering wheel
>sit in car pretending to rotate the wheel for several hours
>try to grab my cell phone to call an uber
>phone slips out of my hand and goes under car seat
>try to open car door so i can squat down and look under seat for my phone
>can't open car door, hands still too slippery
>i'm trapped
>this is karma
>watch demolition ranch
>custom shotgun shells 2: electric boogaloo
>a glorious idea appears
>fill shotgun shells with bleach and cap it with wax just to keep liquid in
>2 weeks later, a wild burrito american appears in my living room
>it is time
>grab bleach rounds
>load
>fire at face for maximum effect
>he gets burned
>his eyes burn out
>keep firing
>now have blood on me
>before police come, use extra bleach rounds to clean carpet and my shirt
>nice clean crimescene for them
>feels good man
>>29897334
yay other people are posting fake stories too
>call the gun counter and tell them i'll be late because i'm having my period
>walk into german shepherd outlet
>browse for a while
>pick out german shepherd i like and rent it
>take it back to work with me
>feed it mountain house camp food packets all day
>wait for it to poop
>lead dog all around store letting it poop
>dog is having gr8 fun now
>teach the dog to do my job for me
>show him safe firearms handling practices
>explain about how he shouldn't sell any guns to native americans
>dog does a good job, boss gives him a raise and fires me
that's why you rent instead of buy, dog went back to the german shepherd outlet the next day and i was re-hired
>>29896186
>Posting my shitty OC
feels pretty fukin good
Another lurker here, love the stories. Keep up the good work and you may keep that raise one of these days.
>>29896091
What movie is pic from?
>>29898159
i don't understand what your post means
>>29898185
god bless america
another one
>standing in hunting supply section trying to fit my body into a large zip-up rifle soft case
>stop and get distracted smelling my hand
>one leg still in the rifle case
>customer walks up and asks if we have duck calls
>"Does Sean Sherk Muscle Shark fart out pure tuna gas?"
>customer: "excuse me??"
>"you're excused."
>continue smelling my hand for a while
>what the fuck is that smell, really?
>try to force my body all the way into the rifle zip up bag
>break the zipper badly
>>29898205
Zardoz (1974)
>another hard day on the job
>out in back of the building practicing my quick draw and throwing orange traffic cones at the dumpster as hard as i can
>working up a pretty good sweat
>cashier chick steps out for a smoke
>throw an orange cone at her face
>cigarette explodes in a cloud of embers and screeching
>she gets a nosebleed
>"smoking is hazardous to your health"
>we date for like 6 months
later that year
>we get a new computer system
>customers now fill out 4473s on the computer
>pry off all the keys, fuck qwerty
>rearrange layout to dvorak and superglue the enter and tab key down
>place a small hourglass next to the computer
>explain to customers if they can't finish the process before the hourglass runs out they get denied
>new regulations from the feds, obama
>>29898280
this one is actually kinda believable
>>29898205
It's from I Am Legend 2. Not I Am Legend 3 with Will Smith.
>>29898205
Shawshank Redemption
>>29896091
>Q: Why do gun shops hoard .22lr?
>A: They don't, but customers do. Stores ration it out so more customers can get some and so it lasts longer.
Funny we store it in the back and only give it to people who want to buy guns so they can buy .22 with the gun if its in .22, otherwise we put the expensive shit out front to prevent assholes from buying all of it, which still happens anyway.
The people have the audacity to ask "whats the deal with .22 being so hard to find are they just not making it anymore? as they head out the shop with 5 bricks of it.
>Q: You're the reason gun shops are shitholes.
>A: These stories are fictional, I was actually a very helpful employee when I worked the counter at big outdoors / camping type store. Also, that's not a question.
Nah the real reason gun shops are shitholes is that all of them are either retail or privately owned places that price gouge because they dont make enough money because selling guns is a very low profit business. The only reason these places exist is because people would rather pay the gas money to drive down the road to see what they're buying first hand rather than save money and just buy it off line, hell even with transfer fees and shipping you save money 80% of the time.
>>29898572
>selling guns is a very low profit business
really?
i always figured it would be decently high profit.
now I'm curious and kind of want a feel for the market on your side.
how much is a 10/22 carbine 1103 (wood stock) at cost?
>>29898205
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0067525/
>>29898584
It's not. Those online retailers are marking up by sometimes less than 10% and are relying on high volume. My LGS marks up new guns 20%, they told me they make most of their money off gunsmithing and used guns.
>>29898584
the rule for most places is about 15% profit off of all guns sold
200 dollar 10/22 for 230 as an example, some places charge like 250 but youre looking at about 30 bucks in your pocket for a gun you paid 200 bucks to get.
if it sounds shitty thats because it is, majority of profit comes from selling ammo and accessories, thats why clerks try to push accessories so much because youre literally killing them if you dont buy accessories that they make 50% profit on as opposed to 15%.
>>29898615
I should add, most stores are not factory direct with all manufacturers and have to go through a distributor, so there's another middle man that has to get paid.
>>29898572
yeah my shop put a limit on it and kept it behind the counter, and when we were low just kept some in the back for people buying shit chambered in .22,
totally agree about why gun shops are shitholes. though in my state there's enough competition around to make for some nice friendly shops.
>>29898584
yeah our margins were fucking low
>>29898643
like our fat sig rep that would bring us tons of sigs which were broken right out of the box
here's another fake story
>standing at the counter trying to untangle my earphones
>customer walks up
>finally finish untangling earphones
>customer starts to talk to me
>put earphones in
>customer stops talking and looks shocked
>remove earphones and explain that he didn't need to stop talking as, i couldn't hear him anyway given that i had put the earphones in
>customer goes to find my manager
>i'm always prepared for this situation
>put on some king's camo camouflage
>resume listening to kpop
>manager and customer storm over to my area
>they can't see me because i'm wearing camouflage
>a fart slips out
>i'm caught
>>29898655
>broken out of the box
But anon you broke them
>>29898825
>>29896186
>take her outside to the 10 gallon orange paint bucket
>>29898655
Lurker here, these are amazing.
We don't have stores like this where I am from. I'm giggling like an idiot and the wify keeps looking over
> "What's got you in such a mood annon"
>>29898488
>>29898534
Liars, it's from Boku no Pico.
>>29898586
>Omega Man.
>my secret fantasy life
except for the part where he dies in the end trying to save the back girls clan
>at gun store shooting the shit with buddies
>stray dog always hangs around the store
>sometimes we let him in and feed him
>one day we let him in
>gun fire erupts
>forgot that it was the atf inspection day
>>29898488
>Will Smith.
his character sure was a fuckign crybaby in that movie.
Waaahhh! I'm all alone, boo hoo!
Fucking retard.
Not OP but I have my own
>be me
>working behind the gun counter
>sales okay, sold a gun or two so far
>old lady comes into the store
>doesn't know much about guns
>asks me what to get
>go into some details about different actions, models, etc
>she sees the pricetags
>'Uhh, these are a little 'spensive, y'all got anything cheaper?'
>Hi-point it is
>show her the hi-point, go over it a bit, let her hold and inspect it
>'mmm, das real good, y'all take EBT?'
>what
>I politely say no, kind sales instincts taking over
>'oh, okay'
>small amount of small talk
>she leaves
>>29898584
For example, a Ruger LCP costs about 150 at dealer cost. CZ75 SP01 is about 540.
My story time
>older guy brings in old sxs shotgun
>wants an appraisal on it
>very good condition
>very expensive engraving
>this is something special.jpeg
>crack it open, Prussian import stamps
>turns out it's a early 20th century JP Sauer
>worth about 4,000 because it's a 20 gauge
>call guy, tell him about it, local buyer of rarities already wants to purchase it
>run gun check through FICS
>get a call from OSP
>stolen in 1983
>tell the guy the bad news
>OSP takes away pretty shotgun
>>29896745
>radio cashier
Oh I am laffin
These stories read like "The Voyage of The Iguana"
Look it up, keks will be had.
>>29901026
OP here, will do that
I came here for actual stories, not crap written so poorly 50 shades looks like Shakespeare. Go fuck yourself op
>>29904030
That reminds me of a story
>standing at the gun counter per usual
>browsing /k/ on our new 4473 machine mcdoodle
>see your post
>get upset, run and tell my boss about bully
>boss consoles me, asks me to point to where it hurts
>"right here, sir"
>right here?
>boss touches me there
>boss sexually abuses me for like an hour
>i feel better
>go back to the counter, there's a german shepherd trying to steal pmags
>stupid dog, those are california compliant mags
>BARK
>dog is enraged
>run to emergency german shepherd attack station in the back room
>grab dog treat
>german shepherd is hot on my tail
>run out back and throw dog treat into cardboard compactor
>angry german shepherd hops in
>press button
>*rrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeee* machine starts downward to compact dog
>it takes like two minute for the the piston to go all the way down
>dog catches on and realizes its a trap
>dog transforms into golden shepherd and runs away
>no pmags were hurt during the making of this story
>>29896368
>tight panties, tight groupings
Some how this thread stayed alive so I will make up more bullshit I guess. Who knows, maybe it could annoy somebody.
>busy day at the gun counter, lots of customers
>we're having a 10% off sale because we jacked the prices up 10% last night
>mexican customer shows up, show him 1911 in 32 auto
>black guy walks up, show him a hi-point .40
>old fudd shows up, show him winchester model 70 in .308
>slav guy shows up and just squats in front of the counter
>hand him an kalishikov
>some basement dwelling fat neckbeard fedora wearing guy comes in, give him a moist nugget
>neckbeard slathers moist nugger up with cheeto grease and mountain dew sticky
>its the only sale i make that day because he damaged the rifle with his filth
>the mexican was illegal so he couldn't buy anything
>the black guy was black so he couldn't buy anything
>the old fudd never buys anything, just complains
>>29906723
i forgot
>slav guy just remained squatting with AK so we let him stay in the shop
>>29896091
Welcome back!
>Do you have any .22?
>>29896091
bump for ressurection
>>29906766
some dude in a track suit is squatting in front of you with an AK and you forgot? I call bull shit. Was he smoking too?
>>29906793
>let me go check in the back
>walk into back room
>discard clothing
>walk out back
>the sun will absolve me of all sin
>lay down on blacktop
>it burns, righteously
>this was a bad idea
>cop drives by and flips a u-turn
>police_siren.mp3
>SIR WHAT IN THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING
>explain to the officer that the Sun God, Ra will absolve us of our sins if we let him scorch our wicked flesh
>convert police officer
>we both are now naked (except we keep our gun belts on) and let Ra singe our wickedness
>after about 40 minutes we're pretty dehydrated and assume we've appeased almighty Ra
>go back inside to get some gatorade
>me and the cop walk into the store naked, armed, and sunburned
>customers freak out
>cop gets PTSD attack and starts tazing people
>our new shop slav freaks out and thinks its bosnia all over again
>starts cleansing the hardware section of kebab
>it was a pretty good day
>>29906828
y-you did
>>29896530
lurking, first time ive laughed today thanks man
>>29896923
that first line oh man
>>29906905
your body is a temple and i want to cleanse it with fluids
>standing at gun counter trying to force 7.62 into 5.56 mags
>customer walks up and is interested in any ranges close by
>tell him we've got a range set up in the back
>charge him $50 for an hour, ammo included
>put ear pro on customer and let him pick out funs from the counter
>he selects a hk VP9, and a p90s in .45acp
>grab some tannerite off the shelf and head to the warehouse
>set up tannerite like 10ft away and tell customer to have at it
>customer is hesitant, tell him its fine
>fucking BOOM
>fire alarms go off, sprinklers deploy
>entire store evacuates
>$250,000 worth of water damage
>i get fired
>go home and try to find a new job
>get hired at mini golf as a range master
>the next week
>be standing on mini golf corse monitoring children
>wearing yellow tinted eye pro, open carrying glock 17 for $8.00ph
>im hungry
>i have PTSD
>its warm out
>i wish i was at home shitposting on /k/
>>29897199
yeah man keep it coming shits funny
>>29907068
shit that was from last night. you're probably the only one here at this point. what, do you think you're special?
>you walk up to the gun counter
>ask me if i have any .22
>wait a second you're anon from that thread
>cuddle you for like 3 hours in the armory because you ARE special
>we roll around in a big pile of loose .22 cartridges
>fondling intensifies
>boss bursts through door all of a sudden
>MOM GET OUT
>what do you think you're doing anon i told you to count all those fucking loose rounds
>th-thats what we're doing
>carry on
>click play my cd player
>we listen to like marcy playground or something weird from the 90s
Am lurking, please don't stop
>>29907152
love this fucking meme you've got here im gonna go ahead and save it
>standing at gun counter watching my co-worker eat beef jerky
>a meme walks up and asks if i have any posts
>hold on let me check in the dog
>walk into back room past several pallets of german shepherds
>through the golden retriever
>key into armory
>radio check
>copy
>affirmative
>alpha november oscar november one to niggerfaggot how copy
>firearms get off the radio
>lay down on pile of camel pack liquid hydraton systems™
>take nap
>wake up, its 3am the store is closed
>i'm adam sandler, again
>mannequins wearing kings camo come to life
>get naked from the waste down
>grab KSG and fill with RIP dagger shaped 12ga slugs
>sprint through store one shotting mannequins, balls flapping in the wind
>by morning i've seen some shit
>sitting on the counter with ass cheeks pressed against glass
smoking a marlboro red
>some day i'll miss the sting of battle
>listening to co-worker show old guy some cowboy shooters
>looks like everything is covered at the counter here
>i've got more important business to tend to
>go over to fishing department at start tangling all reels up that are on display
>little did i know the fishing guys were expecting me
>turn to walk out and feel something on my boot
>its a trip wire made from hi-test line
>oh fuck
>my feet are all tied up
>fishing guys run over and hog tie me up
>guys no pls i'm not a fish
>shut the fuck up asshole you keep tangling our reels up
>desperate situations calls for desperate measures
>good thing ive been practicing my no-hands no-feet draw stroke
>squeeze glock out of holster with pure ass cheek power
>gun flops on ground
>boss walks by and fires me for failing to maintain control of my sidearm
>wriggle home (i'm still hogtied)
>cry myself to sleep
>i'll get those fucking fishing guys back
to be continued
>>29900790
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2014/05/09/democrat-lawmaker-blasts-bill-blocking-gun-purchases-with-ebt-cards.html
>mfw
>>29907502
dat kimmy show, so sickening but i want to lick her asshole real bad
>>29907372
continued
>sit at home for weeks, plotting
>it finally comes to me
>call boss and beg for my job back, apologize profusely
>boss says ok but i have to apologize to fishing department for drawing a gun on them using my asshole
>apologize to fishing department
>this is all part of my plot for revenge
>surely this will be the saltiest revenge ever
>but with caramel
>first i'll grab a snickers for lunch
>go cash my paycheck and spend all of it on snickers bars
>that buys me 27 snickers bars
>head to the armory, i usually sit on top of a big winchester safe when i eat lunch
>eat 14 snickers bar before my blood sugar starts fucking up
>pass out in the armory
>wake up and feel really sick the next day
>eat the other 13 snickers bars
>pass out agian
>go home sick
>never end up taking revenge on the fishing department
>>29896669
Well I'm going to be picturing Kreiger whenever I read OP's stories from now on.
It fits so damn well.
op here, i might go into my storage closet and camp in there tonight. might post pictures if anyone is interested. maybe we can turn this thread into a camping-at home / pillow fort type thing since i've run out of stories. or i could make a new thread for that. let me know if anyone wants to participate.
Based on a true story
>Be me
>Visiting LGS
>Acting really dumb because I know it gets employees salty
>Ask to see rusty old H&R topper because it's the cheapest gun there
>Younger employee sorts through their unorganized pile of shotguns and checks the H&R's pipe
>I take the gun with my sweaty disgusting hands and get my sweat all over it
>I make sure to get my sweat all up in the pitting in its rusty receiver
>Owners have a German Shepard ironically enough
>Dog barks at a black guy until he leaves the store
>Older owner congratulates dog and gives it a treat
>Tell the Employee that I'll buy the shotgun and proceed to give him my drivers licence, CCW, library card, birth certificate, and my business card
>He looks at me funny but just sorts through it anyway and grabs a 4473 form for me
>Already suspicious owner begins to watch me more intently
>Owner puts on a Vietnam war era flight helmet and stands uncomfortably close to me while I fill out my form
>German Shepard walks up to me and starts sniffing my crotch
>I turn to the dog to give it deep access
>Ask the owner if his helmet is VR enabled while the dog accesses me deeply
>He acts like hes about to say something when the german shepherd suddenly runs at the door to bark at an approaching Colion Noir
>Dog trips over a hat rack holding a bunch of balaclavas and causes it to crash down on top of a bearded gentleman whos eyes widen
>Bearded man takes out a neck knife and stabbs a rubber dummy and then exits the store and vomits outside
>I buy the H&R then leave the store
>I give the shotgun to the beard-man
>He looks up at me with tears in his eyes then proceeds to hug me tenderly
>>29907783
OP here,
this was the best story in the thread. did kek heartily and screen cap. please post more next thread, this one is just dying now after stagnating for two days.
>>29896110
Isn't the type of dildo that's designed for strap-on harnesses? or is that suction cup one?
>>29907885
op again,
that there's a squatter. too much weight for suction to hold.
>>29907847
Thanks anon. Just a dreamlike reiteration of a recent experience where I got my first shotgun as a scattergat noob.
>>29907901
that's a beautiful gun you got there. nicer than anything i got. please continue with stories if you have any. i might go buy some beer as i haven't drank for some time. may facilitate story production mode on my end.
>>29907783
I'll give it another shot...
>Be single mom
>Walk into big sporting goods store with my teacup Chihuahua in my purse
>Ask employee behind counter about a lazer for my CC handgun
>I take my chihuahua out of my purse and place it on the counter
>Takes out a raven arms p25 covered with melted lipstick and glitter
>Employee smiles and hands me a box that says AimPoint CompM4 on it
>Chihuahua runs down counter and knocks a 8" 44magnum out of an old mans hands
>wheelgat breaks counter top causing a barret 50 to fall inside of the case as well
>My poor doggie gets scared and returns to my purse
>Grab some tape for my new laser before checking out
>>29908006
haha fuck, the first half of that story actually happened to me. back in 15
>>29908020
Sounds hilarious. I can only imagine that little rat chilling on top of a loaded handgun in a purse.
Here, I'll give it a shot from the employees perspective.
>Be me, working at LGS
>Wearing grossly oversized German parka that goes down to my ankles because 5'1" manlet
>poke my head over the counter to greet customer
>customer asks to hold MK23 with his big grubby hands
>I roll up my sleeves before carefully reaching into the case to grab the giant handgun
>Hand it to him with both hands after making sure it's clear
>He takes out the magazine and then jams it in backwards as hard as he can
>mfw
>walk into LGS
>browse what they have on the wall
>guy behind the counter asks if I can help
>"no thanks, just browsing"
>"let me know if there is anything I can do for you/if you have any questions/would like to see anything"
>make two slow laps past all the long guns
>one pass by all the pistols in the cases
>nod with satisfaction and bemusement
>begin to walk to door
>the employee notices me
>as I reach for door
>"thanks for stop-"
>I close the door behind me before they can finish up
>swagger out to my 84' honda civic
>sit in parking lot for ten minutes while I input the next LGS in my phone's GPS app while waiting for my AC too get going
>one shop down, ten thousand more to go
>adjust my ass in the seat
>put on Oakleys
>take a drink from my 64 oz Diet Dr. Pepper
>play link related: https://youtu.be/1M4FG1UXH5w
>burn out and swerve as my tires squeal going out of the parking lot
They call me The Tentative Patron.
>>29908209
I feel like that guy sometimes.
Except I go to every store and purchase all of their .22 ammo and hoppe's 9, then get into my minivan and blast nine inch nails.
>>29908096
>>29908167
>>29908167
OP here, retrieved beer from my local beer proprietor fuck yeeee lets get this fucking thread re-started
>>29908209
this is fucking really good
>standing at gun counter enjoying ostrich jerky
>customer walks up, just hit 21 and wants to into handguns
>telling him about glock masterrace and giving him HK boners too
>watch this
>show him tap n' rack
>he's impressed
>watch this
>show him reload drill
>CAR style
>flip mag out of well hard
>slams into glass display case next to me
>10x10 glass pane shatters
>he's impressed
>managers daughter walks up
>dat ass
>asks me what the fuck happened
>"justice happened"
>she gives me her phone number
>customer's really impressed now
>"how do i become more like you?"
>write down a URL for him
>http://www.4chan.org/k/
Anyone still lurking?
>>29907901
Is that a NE Firearms Pardner 12 gauge? I use to have a 20 gauge Pardner. P solid shottys for what they are.
>>29908290
I would beat the shit outta whoever owns that
>>29908514
It's a H&R Topper in 12GA, from the early 70's from my understanding. I got it for like $200 recently.
>>29908523
You know you want that ACOG. Let's shake it off NIGGAS
>>29908572
Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng
>another day at the gun counter
>co-worker and i are in the bathroom looking at eachother's penises
>radio pipes up "firearms call on park 1"
>10 4 roger that control firearms copies loud and clear
>co-worker and i zip up and return to counter
>pick up phone
>hi this is guns do you like to try our new doublestack today
>guy on the phone: "hi this is ATF, we have a report that someone recently shouldered a Sig AR pistol in your shop"
>let me place you on hold for a second sir
>hand sig AR pistol to co-worker and tell him to shoulder it for a photo
>he does it
>text photo to ATF
>he gets arrested
>boss gives me a raise for turning in that disgusting criminal
>ATF lets me become an operator
>i travel all over the world oper9ng
>the movie Sniper: Special Ops starring Steven Seagal is based on my military career
guy's i'm getting drunk let's keep this going can we have moar bread
>>29908615
Wew that's some high res taytay
>>29908695
Okay, here it goes.
>walk into a shop
>looking for a WASR or other decent budget AK
>they don't have what I'm looking for
>ask them what their transfer fees are since I want to still support a local business instead of going to some bigger store down in OKC
>$45
>i just look at him
>the store owner waddles over and immediately goes on about
>"if we don't have it we can order it fur y', we just don't want people comin' in and just using us fur tranfurs, it just don't bring in enough money"
>I nod and smile
>do a 360 and shake his hand
>moon walk out the store
>never come back
>>29908704
oh I got some tay my niggah
>>29908759
Dat taytay
>operating every day at the sporting goods spot
>take a break to go hit on cashier chicks
>standing up at the cash wrap explaining to the blond one how i get tired sometimes but i usually can do like 15 push-ups
>she's super impressed
>customer walks in and asks where firearms section is located
>i tell him we don't sell guns here, remind him to check his privilege and to stop eye-raping me
>cashier girl tells him where firearms section is at
>don't worry bitch, i'll take you to olive garden later
>follow customer back to gun department area
>fuck your gay shoes dude i hate you
>get behind the counter and ask him what he wants
>"well i was lookin' for some --"
>cut him off "we're all out of that"
>well i'll just have a look at your shot guns then, lookin' for a 20ga or something to teach my grandson how to kill birds and the like
>remind him that meat is murder
>ask him if he's going to vote bernie
>he wants to see a silver hunter
>take it out of case
>drop it, fuck up the beautiful finish a little bit and hand it to him
>he buys it for $1,4000
>we shake hands, i let out a long squeaky fart while we shake hands and hold eye-contact
>boss fires me for being too good at my job
>>29908807
>tfw she'll never pop up on one of the boards again
>>29896091
OP, you're a faggot, your """""stories""""" are shit, kill yourself,
>>29908839
>announcing a sage
>>29908839
fuck you these threads are gold
>>29908839
THANK YOU MA'AM MAY I HAVE A NOTHER
>can't stop me now, i'm drunk
>standing at counter waiting for customers
>a young couple walks up, woman has a low cut top
>premature ejaculate
>they're interested in something for home defense
>recommend an AR and ask what their budget is
>they're not sure
>explain basic pricing break down for AR's and what kind of quality / features they can expect
>they seem like intelligent new firearms owners who want to be educated and trained
>provide them with information about local training classes
>husband decides to purchase an M&P 15 sport, the new one with dust cover and forward assist
>great
>help wife pick out some accessories while husband fills out 4473
>set her up with an 3-point sling, defense rounds, target ammo, snap caps, a trigger lock, cleaning kit, range case for the rifle, some targets, etc
>return to counter, husband hands me 4473
>he abbreviated his state of residence when i explicitly told him not to abbreviate anything
>dealer denied
>escort them out of store
>call local PD and have the officer inform them that if they return they will be arrested for trespassing
>they leave a bad yelp review the next day
>get fired for bad yelp review
what the fuck is wrong with some people, honestly?
bamp
>>29908972
>just imaging how soft and supple her lips probably are
Wewlad
I worked at a gun store in canada for 2 years. Parts of these stories really hit home.
Whats the dumbest thing you were ever asked? Mine was a cutie early 20's asked if the stuffed wolverine was a werewolf. I starred at her for like 10 seconds before she realized what she said.
>>29909167
I just googled it and she's only 5'10"? wtf why does she look so tall in every picture
>>29909235
Because she's super slender. Also she's probably a bit taller but women tend to have their heights billed a bit shorter than they are if they're lanklet chicks. The opposite is true with famous men, for example Rober Downey Jr. is suposed to be 5'9" but he's more than likely abour 5'5-6". He wears ridiculous shoes, pic related was from some film I think.
>>29909234
Hmmm dumbest thing ever asked... I can't remember so much anymore.
>cringy high school kid asked me if i owned any guns (while i was OCing a fuckhuge pistol on my belt)
>woman asked me why i was carrying a gun (while i was at work in the hunting department)
>some guy asked me "is your gun loaded?"
I was certainly TOLD a lot of stupid shit that I remember, though.
>bird shot is best for home defense
>5.7 will leave a 6" hole through a man's chest (insane coked out chinese guy CCing a 5.7 told me that one)
>i wouldn't take one of THOSE if you gave it so me for free. those aren't even guns. (pointing at our ARs)
>austrialian guys walking by pointing at pistol case on says to the other "those are like bb-guns out here"
>if you don't rotate the ammo in your mags, your mag springs will fail
>.45acp will drop anyone in one shot
>if you ever get into a defensive shooting, stand there and hold the gun pointed at the crook after he's dead and wait for the police to tell you to drop the gun (then drop the gun)
>glocks have smooth bores with no rifling
>m&ps are better than glocks
>ruger makes good gun and or i like the LCP
>my s&w defender .380 semi auto with manual safety will keep me safe
>NEVER EVER carry with a round in the chamber EVER (i was told this by several customers)
>never carry a loaded gun, if the bad guy gets it he can shoot you (i was really told this by a customer)
i can go on
>>29909328
.45acp will do that though you stupid troll
>>29909346
My bad thought I could slip that one in there
what other stupid shit did customers say
>crazy mallninja told me he was in iraq and got shot with .45acp, 9mm, .40s&w and .22lr .... okkkkkkkkkk
>woman who was looking at one of our revolvers slapped the cylinder shut and announced "there's one in the chamber now"
>guy filling out 4473 tells me he's a felon (not sure if smart or stupid, denied him either way)
>the loop on the back of some pistol hammer was for lanyards
>leaving your mags loaded will fuck up your mag springs
>21ft rule is absolute
>if you can't hit what you're shooting at with 5 shots you shouldn't be carrying a gun
people generally talk more than they ask anything from my experience working at a gun counter. for some reason it was like a podium for people to voice the stupid opinions they harbor. they don't have an outlet like /k/ to pump their autism into because they're normalfags. it often seemed very confessional and rehearsed.
>>29909328
When people complain about prices it makes me want to ask them why they come into my shop to play with my stock and get a feel for it while degrading the value of mg display guns ao they can go save $15 bucks buying ot from some guy selling it outta his garage.
Then they wonder why people get sour when they sell guns for so long.
This was about a month ago.
>walk into a shop
>ask if they have any AK-74's
>oh yeah we got a few in just last week
>the clerk waddles over to show me their wall of ebil assault weapons
>can't see what half the shit is because they magwell facing out and crowed together in a corner
>he hands me a WASR 10
>"this here is one of our most popler AK-47's son"
>"o-okay, do you happen to have anything in 5.45x39?"
>"you mean .223?"
>I'm a bit bewildered by this time so I just go with it and try and find my point of escape
>"sure"
>he hands me a $3000 parked Chinese Type 84s
>finger fuck it for a minute
>the thing has one of those shitty railed dustcover, a hogue grip, and marks on the barrel where a clamp on rail or something was
>ask if it has the orignal dust cover and grip
>"dun know, let me go get the box"
>hand it back to him
>he goes to get the box
>opens it infront of me
>it doesn't have ANYTHING that originally in the box, it doesn't even have the original mags
>no dust cover or grip
>does have the clamp on rail
>I close the box and nod
>the clerk takes a deep breath and bawls "so watdya thing?"
>"it's nice, I'll uh, have to get back to you after I think about it"
>speed walk out
>run to truck
>get in
>slam door
>lose my shit
Holy fuck /k/ I didn't know these people existed. Just... holy fuck.
>>29909417
For real. Fat fucks come in with greasy fast food hand still slurping on their shit 2gallon soda cups. Price check shit at the counter on their cell phones, find out that on the complete opposite side of the city someone has it $10 cheaper. Demand price match or they walk. They need to go fuck themselves, if they would have skipped the fast food and or the drive to the other shop.. I mean come the fuck on
>>29909423
thats awesome, also nice tay pic.
>>29909470
>thats awesome
What?
>>29896091
>M1918 with a fucking nightvision scope
Why is there no such thing IRL?
>>29908839
>no anon, you are the faggot
>and then OP was a german shepard
>>29897193
>smuggle in 37 guinnea pigs in a gym bag
you dont make this shit up. tell us the story.
>winter time snd im short on cash
>ill just sell off this rem 700
> $550 in hand
>next day wife comes home with a $600 Canon EOS
feels bad man
>>29896186
>she's immediately taken back by all the beautiful wild parrots flying freely around the stock room
>a gull-crested medaterranian rainbow cavvalin gracefully decends to my shoulder, i feed him a peanut and it flys off
OP here, is this thread dead yet? It's been three days ffs.
>>29910534
Sorry can't go into further detail (OPSEC)
>>29912700
My pussy game is on the next level
>>29896923
>go back to jacking the 870 off
>870 isn't in the mood anymore and goes limp
Tip top kek
>>29913159
Lurks ahoy. If you didn't want this thread to last, you shouldn't be telling such good stories. This is you're own fault.
>>29913159
Been lurking since 20 replies. Keep going. I wish I could tell liquor store stories but they aren't very /k/
>>29914549
Word. I'll be back in a little bit to make up more bullshit, keep the thread on your watcher.
legacy captcha: 308
>>29914869
(monitoring intensifies)
I had a kid once tell me he had an antique ruaaian rifle from the middle of ww2 which he shot all the time. Was convinced shooting it was brave because "its a piece of military history that should be hung on a wall"
It was a fuggin mosin.. 1942. When i told him 169.99 for a new one in cosmoline he called me a liar.
>>29916920
this story sucks
>>29896868
>The firearms community is 75% dumb assholes.
You spelled whiny bitches wrong.
>>29900851
>a Ruger LCP costs about 150 at dealer cost
You're about $100 low on that.
>>29908416
I am that guy! We are still fucking, right?
>>29918136
You're probably the kid that goes in and looks like a retard and gets shit service.
>>29896868
>i need some 7mm
Worst thing a customer can say.
