There are a lot of bears in my neighborhood what should I get to protect myself?
A guardian bear
>>29390604
a gun
Smash some glass and mix it in with ground beef and jam
Mosin Nagant. 7.62x54r is an excellent cartridge for defeating a bear's natural armor.
Ignore these dumbasses, OP.
What you're gonna wanna do is get a shitload of peanut butter, a prostitute, and a trampoline.
Stick with me on this one.
First, grab your local prostitute. Everyone has one - don't worry about the price because, as GTA taught us, you can kill her to get that money back. You'll probably find her outside the local trap house, which you can spot by the large amount of strange cars going in and out of the location. Pretty easy to spot, man. Pretty confident you got this one.
Now, you're gonna wanna go to the store and get anywhere from 3-6 jars of Jif Extra Crunchy Peanut Butter. Bears go apeshit over the stuff, trust me. It turns the shittiest of bears into puppies that you can spoonfeed. Now, Jif sells it's PB in big containers - you're gonna wanna go for the big 48 OZ (or 3 LB) jars. At Walmart, they sell them in 3-packs, that's gonna be your best value.
The trampoline is easy, you can just steal it from your neighbor. Trust me, they won't notice it's gone, and they might even thank you for it. Trampolines are cancer anyway, and people who use them for fun are most likely communists.
So you got your prostitute, your PB, and your trampoline. What you're gonna wanna do is secretly coat the trampoline in peanut butter without telling the prostitute. After you fuck her, she should be in some sort of coma, so that shouldn't be a problem. Worse comes to worst, you can excuse yourself to the bathroom and let her fuck around with your morphine stash in order to give yourself a little extra time. They'll barely notice.
After you've gotten the trampoline covered, the air should carry that scent around the woods in the neighborhood. If it doesn't, I recommend an industrial-style fan from Home Depot. They're real cheap and they work real good.
Continued in next post.
Now the tricky part. In order to attract that bear to a place that you want him, you're gonna wanna dangle live bait in front of it. You're gonna have to convince the prostitute that you've got a trampoline fetish, and it's the only way you can actually get off. You'd be surprised how easily they go for this, but at the very worst, you can just offer her an extra hundred bucks or another bump of coke for the trouble. Once she gets out there, you're just gonna have to grin and bear it for the duration. The sonofabitch will come out to see what's what shortly.
And that's when you get them. The bear will be attracted by the peanut butter, and probably want to attack the prostitute. LET HIM MAUL HER. It wears them out, and solves the problem of you getting your money back. When he's all tuckered out by eating that peanut butter and attacking that prostitute, you make your move. Get behind the big sonofabitch and put him in an armlock. THIS IS IMPORTANT. Arm locks are meant to establish early dominance and put the bear on the defensive.
Continued in the next post.
>>29391409
Now, you got him in the headlock, the prostitute is either bleeding out or dead, and you're wondering what to do next. DONT PANIC. They smell the fear. It'll make them randy as hell, and they've already wasted the prostitute, so your puckered butthole is the only option left. Bear dick is thick and powerful, and you DONT want that up your ass unless you've had time to prepare with peanut butter and KY. Anyway, your next move should be to brace yourself in a half-squat position, and to begin lifting with your legs and glutes. At this point, the bear should be off-balance, so this won't be too much of a challenge for you - if he's had ninja training, you're gonna wanna drop him ASAP, as his kung-fu will be far too powerful for you. Most bears don't go that far, though, so you should be fine.
Lift the bear up over your head, keeping your knees slightly bent, and then promptly shift your weight backwards to drop him BEHIND you, injuring his neck/spine in the process. What you're aiming for isn't to KILL the bear, but to SHAME the bear. He should be in a damn wheelchair for the rest of his life for making you do this. Now, if you positioned yourself correctly, he's gonna go limp real quick, and you'll be sitting on top of a paralized bear like a dumbass. DONT REST AFTER THE SUPLEX. Follow through, get your feet, and plant your RIGHT FOOT on top of the bear's chest. As the other bears come out of the woods to see where all that damn peanut butter and blood is coming from, they'll see you standing like a total badass over a crying, paralized bear twice your size. At that point... Well. They'll know who's boss.
You got this, man. Just trust me on it. You take down one bear, they all back off and they won't bother you again. Good luck bro.
>>29390604
Need to form a convoy
>>29391418
>>29391409
>>29391353
Stupid and lame.
>>29390626
You are a faggot nigger cunt on a scale so big its undiscovered by modern science. i hope you find a slow and miserable death,alone.
>>29391542
IIRC I remember that Eskimos do a similar thing by slathering blades in blubber to kill wild dogs. The dogs lick the blade and apparently they don't feel a thing and they keep licking until they bleed out.
>>29391447
Im not going to reply to his posts, as I agree. what a fucking faggot. I stopped reading after the first paragraph.
Some honey maybe? Bears are bros.
