Does /ic/ critique writing, short stories?
I need some feedback on a story before continuing with my assignment. I know this is more /lit/ territory, but I'm writing for comics, and it's a slightly different process, and I think the majority of /lit/ is a little too "high brow" to give me the sorta feedback I need.
I just want different opinions on what I could do differently, change, etc..
Here's a summary of the chapter:
http://pastebin.com/E4sbqtna
If you have any questions about the characters and such, I have a full document, but it's quite large, so just feel free to ask.
And I guess, this is a general, since it doesn't feel right to be so selfish, so if anyone else wants feedback on their stuff, if you post it, I'll gladly give it a read and an opinion.
Cheers.
probably best to stick to /lit/ until you have some images to accompany the text
Could check /co/ too if you don't find bites here. They have regular webcomic, art and drawthreads.
They're pretty casual and amateur, but they're friendly and active with some good resources. At least, last I was there, which was quite a while ago.
>>2407180
I'd recommend making sure the protagonist makes a big deal out of seeing that the dead guy doesn't have shadow.
Slow shots of him eating silently while everyone else chats happily.
Big bags under his eyes.
Several shots of him staring straight at the lack of a shadow.
Nervous commitment to finding out what happened because it freaked him out or because he's one of those 'I want to believe' people.
Don't have him just roll with the idea of sudden supernatural unless he's got some kind of background with it basically.
And remember that all of the characters supporting or believing him have to have a very good reason to not just think he was tired or hallucinating.
>Chip fails at catching the spirit bird, and it then transforms into a large fearsome crow-like thing and turns on him and starts violently attacking him, wounding his arm.
Perhaps have the bird wound him non physically. It's a shadow eating bird creature, maybe it pecks his arm and a blackness spreads across it, making it fall limp.
Or since it steals creativity it could make him bleed designs or prose he's written or thought about.
>>2407874
Neat!! A reply!
Well, the MC was born with ESP, and has seen ghosts and paranormal stuff his whole life, he's rather used to it.
And likewise. his own shadow is already missing (it was stolen by a gypsy who then cursed him with immortality), in short, Shadows are supposed to represent the subconscious mind, and the immortal soul, since the MC's shadow is not tied to his body, it basically can't suffer the same damage as his body, and the curse the gypsy cast on him allows his body to superregenerate.
Anyway, all this will be expressed in later chapters, for now, I wanna give just informtion for the reader to know that the MC is a Paranormal Investigator on the side, and that he's immortal, and his shadow is missing.
I wanna have it so that the reader is asking questions that keep them going throughout the chapter, most of which are resolved in that chapter, but the rest of which are left hanging for future resolutions.
Also, due to suggestions in other threads, I changed his name from Chip to Erin, since people said Chip was a little too edgy and lame.
Anyway, I broke down the chapter into pages, which I'll now break down into panels, so you should have a better reading of the flow now, I'll post them in a bit.
1:
Splash Page
2:
Erin is walking back home from work and comes across the body of a dead man in the street who's casting no shadow.
3:
Erin arrives home, bringin food for his sisters, they're watching the news about the guy who commited suicide. Erin gets an urgent phone call from Blanca.
4: INCITING INCIDENT:
At Blanca's, a graffit artist who is missing his shadow is seeking paranormal aid
5:
Blanca's uncle encourages the two to handle the case.
Note: make a mention of the dead graffit artist as a friend of the one seeking help. Have him express worry in that he too doesn't wanna die.
Note: it needs to be subtly conveyed in these first 5 pages that Erin has no shadow.
6:
The next day, they meet the graffiti artist at this underground joint for graffiti artists, they meet some of his friends, and this bird which the guy mentions is a pet he's adopted recently
At the bottom of the page, he shows them a graffiti made at that location by his idol: Banksy
7:
The artist talks about Banksy in admiration, he talks about how he insired him, and how he could never live up to him
8:
The artist's friends criticize Banksy, calling his work derivative.
The two then notice the other artists also don't have shadows, and ask what's up
9:
Erin cynically calls graffiti "anarchy-lite" and labels all graffiti as vandalism, and then walks off, kinda fed up with everything.
Blanca stays behind.
>>2408510
10.
Erin is walking out of the joint, when, as he's leaving, he spots the bird eating a person's shadow, he then realizes the bird is a spirit.
11:CLIMAX:
Erin goes chasing after the bird, Blanca goes looking for the artist, who, while she was talking to his friends, seems to have wandered off.
She then finds him at the end of the page.
12:
Erin fails to catch the bird, Blanca starts talking to the artist, and hears him talk of his frustration due to his lack of creativity and originality.
As Erin confronts the bird, it transforms into this hideous crow-looking thing.
13:
The bird starts to maul Erin while Blanca speaks to the artist, trying to get across to him, at the bottom of the page, she begins a monologue that starts to inspire him.
14. Blanca's monologue concludes, and the grafitti artist gets up and starts to work on something. Erin is trying to get away from the bird, it suddenly starts to behave strangely as it starts throwing up shadows.
15.
The bird explodes and the shadows all return to their respective owners, all except Erin's.
16: RESOLUTION
A couple days after, Blanca and Erin are talking about the incident while walking by the river on a sunset.
17:
Scene showing the full graffiti on a wall, saying "EVERYTHING IS A REMIX"
They talk briefly, and walk off.
18:
Auctioneer buys the graffiti believing it's Banksy's work (humorously ironic)-
END
