What are some of the funniest stories in all of history?
In my opinion, the Chinese Four Pests Campaign definitely tops the list.
>Mao has everyone in China kill as many sparrows as possible because he thinks they're killing all the crops
>Turns out they were eating the locusts that were killing them
>Locusts get out of control
>Mao tells people to plant their seeds a meter deep to make them grow stronger
>Ten years of famine resulting in the highest ever documented cases of cannibalism
>China buys several train carts filled with sparrows from Russia to alleviate their problem
I can contribute with funny Mao stories.
>Chairman Mao wants more iron and steel production
>Chairman Mao orders everyone to build a backyard furnace despite practically no one having any experience in metallurgy
>Countryside deforested to fuel campaign, results in such poor quality metal that it cannot be used
>Chairman Mao wants to lessen speech restrictions in order to encourage true socialist dialog
>Calls the movement for semi-free speech the "Hundred Flowers"
>Everyone starts denouncing communism
>Jails right-deviationists and bourgeois sympathizers, says that the Hundred Flowers Movement was a ruse to eradicate neo-reactionaries
One of my favorite Chinese ones:
>Qin Shi Huangdi, First Emperor of China, living the good life
>Qin Shi Huangdi wants to become immortal, seeks out the greatest sages on the subject
>He is advised to drink mercury to become immortal
>Qin Shi Huangdi drinks mercury to attain immortality, dies, and is ultimately immortalized as the emperor who drank mercury
>be first punic war
>Roman consol in command on way to sicily
>on the eve of reaching the destination the Consol consults sacred chickens which has been a tradtion for centuries.
>bird feed is thrown into the chicken pen, if eaten good omens and battle is favorable., if not then battle was to end poorly
>Chickems are consulted on board ship, Chickens do not eat
>Consol throws chickens overboard into the sea having said;
'Well if they are not hungry, perhaps they are thirsty'
>Romans end up losing the seige.
>Chairman Mao wants to industrialize China
>Forceably relocates millions of chinks to mines and factory cities
>remaining farmers are either too old or too young to work
>all of their food is sent to the industrial zones
>no one wants to tell Mao there isn't enough food
>as everyone starves to death, Mao announces a harvest surplus
Not a story but still funny nonetheless. Earliest Greek artifact found by archaeologists in France was a black dick shaped stone which had the inscription;
'I am mister pleaser, the loyal servant of Aphridite'
>Be Emperor Nero of Rome
>Senate comes to me to authorise the mobility of a few Legions to deal with unruly Germanic tribes.
>Becomes furious that his provincial subjects do not love him
>Tells the Senate that he intends to deal with these unruly Germans by sending a cultural army comprised of artists, actors, poets, musicians, a and prostitutes to show these tribes the greatness of Roman Culture
>Upon hearing this proposal the senate and praetorian guard remove Nero from power
Why are there so many fucking stories from China?
>Spend hundreds of years building a massive wall for the sole purpose of protecting yourself from the Mongols
>Ends up bankrupting your nation
>Mongols bribe your soldiers with food and housing
>Get through the wall without shedding a single drop of blood
Note that our accounts of that river actually existing come from a single source that also claims everyone with any knowledge of the tomb was killed.
It's actually possible knowing the extent Qin Shi Huang went, but you would be surprised how much legend and myth is taken as "fact" by China-based historians of China. Look at the Xia Dynasty.
>Rome won a battle by building a wall around the enemies, digging a trench around the wall, putting traps around the trench, and building a wall behind the traps
>unruly provincial governors rebelling
>Everyone abandoning me
>flee outside of Rome
>courier comes telling me that Senators are going to beat me to death with sticks in the forum
>Senate actually dispatches riders to save my life and keep the Julio-Claudian Dynasty in tact
>here the horseman approaching and kill myself
>Soldiers try and save me but I'm already mortally wounded.
>consumed by madness and paranoia
> Senate gets on my nerves
>Threaten to make my favourite horse a Consul: highest senatorial position in ancient Rome
>hear of issues in Germania
>personally lead a few legions north in order to show how well rounded an emperor he is.
>The presence of the troops quickly quells any unruly behaviour
>Wanting to add a succesful military campaign to his achievements he declares war on Poseodan and orders the Legions to stab at the sea and collect seashells as epic lewts from having bested Poseodan
Shifting gears from monstrous fuck-ups to lovable fuck-ups
>be Kruschev, premier of glorious CCCP
>want more agriculture to modernize and catch up with USA
>see perfectly good steppe lands (Virgin Lands) that would be great for farming
>natives who have lived there for centuries tell me it's not a great idea
>laugh at them for I am Kruschev
>divert water, bring in young party members to farm
>1st harvest succeeds
>next three fail
>each successful one afterward harvest less and less grain
>get deposed and project is cancelled
>Richest and greediest man in Rome ML Crassus, wants some military fame to match his unprecedented fortune
>Gets the Roman Senate to grant him permission to go to war with Parthia
>Raises an army and travels all the way there
>Parthians utterly destroy his army, along with his two sons, and capture him
>to teach him a lesson about greed the Parthian king has molten gold poured down Crassus throat
>tfw no Roman army dares to invade Parthia ever again
The molten gold thing was probably made up by the Romans to show how evul parthians were. Oriental cruelty was a topos.
On the other hand, romans rekt'd Parthia countless of times and plundered their capital Ctesiphon several times too. They also held Mesopotamia (where ctesiphon was) for a time but returned it to the Parthians.
Parthians were keks, Sassanians were the ones in the east who actually posed something similar to a threat for Rome.