Nudist beach ni sh?gakuryok? de!!
by Shiwasu no Okina
New thread because the first almost reached its limit.
Old thread:
>>3772265
DL link of the first chapter:
https://www.sendspace.com/file/zyxyv5
Second chapter translation:
http://pastebin.com/fvC7jPqJ
Currently working on the second chapter.
>>3786883
Yes, I'll do the same for the second chapter later today or tomorrow as well.
>>3786888
Really?
Great, thank you!
So let's begin!
Second chapter, first page!
>>3786888
More direct Japanese to English feedback is what we need. Very helpful.
>>3786869 ?
Page 7:
>Instead of "you sound eager to do it" she says "are you going to do it?" (not 100% on this one, my Japanese is far from perfect)
maybe "Are you really going to do it?"
>Bottom right corner, "the only thing you'll wear", in my opinion she should say it's the "bare minimum". It's closer to what she says in Japanese and contains the word "bare" :P
Maybe "Bare essentials?"
>Next panel, she asks them to not use their hands or their shoes to hide (so if you want you could add "shoes" or "flip-flops" or something)
But they aren't drawn with shoes....
>Next panel she says "Saa, Let's goo!!" in Japanese, so you could add "alright" ("saa") before the "let's go" part. I know, these are very minor details but I'm just suggesting stuff!
Cool. How often does she speak English? All those words should be kept.
>Page 9:
>He says that Kusakabe's body is actually scrawny (it's first implied that he acts like a tough guy). The word "tiny" seems to only refer to his dick but he's actually talking about his whole body
Thanks. Again that's the problem with second-hand translation,
>Page 10:
>First panel, what she actually talks about in Japanese is the beach of her hometown.
So the French version took some liberties too?
FR: "No doubt about it, the beach of my childhood is really/truly the best"
Current EN: "No doubt about it, my native beach is the best"
Is really/truly part of the original? Maybe for EN: "No doubt about it, the beach (here) in my hometown really/truly is the best"
Also, does the original use "areolae", not "nipples"? (I'd rather use "areolas" since "areolae" seems too formal)
>>3786874
>>3786893
Dat resolution difference...
>>3786875
>Page 15:
>Third panel "look at mine, they're pink too", he just says "Look at my pink nipples!", so the translation should remove the word "too"
Ah, I suggested the "too" just to make who says what less confusing, since one of the girls is said to have pink nipples later.
>Fourth panel, maybe replace "see" by "saw"?
"If we show off little by little" -> "if you don't see everything at once"
That's so obvious in hindsight.
>Last panel he says her tits are huge (doesn't mean the word "gorgeous" is incorrect, so it's up to you!), and that they shake/swing a lot
Not bounce or jiggle? This was bugging me.
>Page 19:
>When talking about her areola, I think he says they are a little darker towards the bottom. So "Her areola are slightly darker towards the bottom", maybe? There's probably a better way to say "towards the bottom" though!
Sure it's not "darker around the edges" or something like that?
>Page 21:
>Last panel is "ita" in Japanese, so it translates to something like "there it is!"
Yeah we kinda got into a pickle over that.
>Page 22:
>Last panel, she uses the expression "noomari kokku", so "normal cock" in English. She uses English words like that all the time, so here would suggest "Inside, you can quickly get your cock back to normal!"
Thanks again for the heads up on English words.
>>3786925
No don't resize them. Yeah it's a waste.
>>3786919
That's awesome man. The Chinese and French scans messed up her hair with their word placements.
>>3786921
If Sensei deliberately uses the English word "cock", the students shouldn't use it either, they should use "dick", representing what they really say in Japanese.
But based on the French scans, two girls use kiddy terms like wee-wee ("zizi"), Is that in the original? One of them is in >>3786928, the other is in >>3786752. So if it's a nuance of the original, >>3786752 should be revised.
>>3786910
They're wearing flip-flops, you can see them on the panel with all the girls for instance.
Concerning the use of English by the teacher, I'll do a quick list here:
Page 5, when she replies to Akiho, first bubble she says "of course" (and second bubble "of course" in Japanese)
Next panel she says "Hey Naotatsu" in English (the "hey")
Next panel she says "Excellent" after Naotatsu's explanation about naturism
Last panel of page 5 the word "experience" is in English too
Page 6, third panel she uses the word "skinship" (with the japanese word hontô, which means "real/strong/genuine skinship")
Page 7, last panel, "let's go" is in English, as I pointed out earlier
Page 9, last panel first bubble, she says "everybody" in English
Page 22 fifth panel, she shouts "hey!!", and in the bubble next to the word "but!!" she says "don't worry"
Last panel, as I said, she uses "normal cock" (she uses that same expression at the end of chapter 2 by the way)
Page 23, third panel, she uses the word "friendly" ("mootto moto friendly", so like I said "much muuch friendlier" would fit, I think)
Same panel, on the left side, she says "Pinch" instead of "problem", but it's not that remarkable, the Japanese often use this word
Finally, in the last panel she says "erection", "support" (concerning the girls, they have to support the boys) and "pinch" again
Apart from that, she says some stuff using katakana, which are the japanese characters used for foreign words, which means she sometimes has a foreigner accent when talking Japanese (not sure how that would translate to English though), and she often says "ne-" when she ends her sentence, which would translate to "right?"
Concerning the "hometown" thing, talking about her "childhood" is indeed a liberty taken. It's the beach of her hometown
Concerning the "really/truly", she uses "yappa saikô". Yappa means "after all", "of course" etc. and saikô means "the best"
Concerning the word areola, yes they specifically use this word
And I'll start using the name "Translator" to make
this conversation less confusing!
I'll answer the other stuff in a little while
>>3786928
While it's new, lemme correct the grammar
>"It's the first time I've seen other wee-wees other than my dad's..."
"Other" is repeated, it sounds odd. "seen other wee-wees besides my dad's" would be better.
>It's curvier than I thought // And that rounded tip
Plural. They're curvier // And those rounded tips
Though I think "those" could be "their" since she's describing their penises, "they look so soft" is the previous sentence.
>>3786934
Oh wow, so many.
>she says "Pinch" instead of "problem", but it's not that remarkable, the Japanese often use this word
"Get into a pinch" = "run into a problem/predicament"
"When the boys have a problem" = "When the boys get into a pinch" maybe? Is it too verbose?
>>3786921
Concerning the bounce/jiggle/shake thing, all of those words would be correct, I feel. So the most natural word should be used (not native English so it's up to you)
"Darker around the edges": yes, that's a great suggestion!
>>3786931
Concerning the word cock/dick etc, it can be a problem in Japanese. In the chapter the boys always refer to it as "chinko" using katakana, whereas the girl says "chinko" with hiragana.
So they should use different words in the translation, but then I believe it's a matter of interpretation. Here the girls seems quite childish so I guess that's why the French translation uses "wee-wee". But "penis" is fine too, she's very straightforward.
What's more, as you pointed out, in the second chapter that other girl uses a different word, "chinchin" which is what kids would say. Also from what she says in the dialogue, the word "wee-wee" (or another childish word, up to you) should be used. (here I'm talking about the chapter 2)
Finally on this topic, second to last page of the second chapter Akiho uses the word "chinchin" too, but here I would just translate it "penis", since she seems to be kind of a girl who would use it (not slutty nor childish, I mean :P)
>>3786934
>she often says "ne-" when she ends her sentence, which would translate to "right?"
Which sentences? Nuance is important...
Also, naturism vs nudism - the term naturism only shows up in chapter 2 based on the French scan, this was carried over to the English version >>3786898. Is this accurate? (How is nudism/nudist written in the raw to begin with?)
[I'm not the writer of the English script, he's away, I'm another guy chipping in]
>>3786939
Something I'll add on the subject of english words and "pinch", she uses a few other english words in the chapter, like "towel" and "class" but those words are frequently used by the Japanese as well. So in this instance I think you can translate as you want!
>>3786939
Here we are.
Sorry for the wait, I was dining.
>>3786950
continues with reposting. GG
>>3786947
I'll do a quick list of the "ne", but before that, concerning the use of nudist/naturist:
They use the word "nudist beach" in English, except in a few cases. The page you linked, and the explanation of nudism by Naotatsu. The teacher asks him what is "nudism", and he talks about the creation of the "nude culture/doctrine" (this concept of "culture" reappears at the beginning of chapter 2, in the recap). So it's a bit tricky. Maybe when it was created it had more to do with being one with nature etc. so we would talk about "naturism" when discussing the origins. Not sure!
But to be honest I think the word nudism (and nudist culture?) would be perfectly fine.
Now for the "ne":
Page 5, when she says "of course" in Japanese (second bubble)
Page 6, third and fifth panels (when she says they'll be expelled)
Page 7, when she talks about the water and towels, and in the second bubble as well when she talks about the sunscreen
In the next panel as well, when she says they would look weird if they covered themselves
Page 9, last panel, last sentence
Page 10 first panel and also when she tells the girls to come out of the tent
Page 12, last panel
Page 22, last panel first bubble on the right
Page 23 second panel, but here she uses hiragana to say "ne" (instead of katakana), so I'm not sure. If you decide to specifically translate the other "ne" then this one should be slightly different
Third panel of the last page, at the end of the sentence on the right
Fourth panel, end of sentence
I'll keep that in mind when I'll do the second chapter (english words, etc)!
>>3786950
Rounded tips needs an S. Sorry man.
>>3786943
>the boys always refer to it as "chinko" using katakana, whereas the girl says "chinko" with hiragana.
Well the only girl who mentions penis/cock/etc in chapter 1 is that young-looking blunt girl, and you confirmed she doesn't use a kiddy word, so we could use "penis" for her.
And the horny girl in chapter 2 is confirmed to use a kiddy word so "wee-wee" can stay...
How is the French "penis en erection" in the raw? How about narration?
>>3786955
Agreed about the girl in chapter 1, but I would still use "penis" in chapter 2. But like I said it's really a matter of interpretation, whether you feel the character would use one word or the other.
For your second point, the raw says "the boys' erections" (erection in english), and that the girl will support the boys, and together they will overcome their "pinch".
Concerning the narration, the word used is "bokki" which is the standard word for "erection". But it can be translated as "erection", "hard-on", or other variations, it's up to interpretation here as well.
>>3786955
Ah yeah, sorry about that. I'm kinda distracted because I'm doing the other pages.
>>3786931
>>>3786919
>That's awesome man. The Chinese and French scans messed up her hair with their word placements.
Actually the problem was the japanese writing that was all over the hair. I had to redo everything lel anyeay, I'm happy you like it.
>>3786959
Great job!
One thing though, in the third panel of that page there's a little bit of extra text near the left border. It's covered by the bubble but the first character is "hair", so she's saying something about how hairy they are
>>3786962
Can you post your redone raws somewhere after this?
>>3786943
>Concerning the bounce/jiggle/shake thing, all of those words would be correct, I feel
Uh-oh... Do the characters floating on her in >>3786739 mean "shake/bounce/etc?"
Guess it depends on how she moves, but she isn't drawn moving very much, just standing around. To me, if her breasts keep moving even if she's just turning around, they jiggle/shake. They bounce/swing as she walks and runs.
>>3786977
The characters are "doki doki", which means their hearts are beating fast (they're nervous).
The translation for the last panel is:
First bubble: "Sakai's boobs/tits are huuge"
Second bubble: "They keep shaking/swaying"
The verb he uses is ???. Apparently also used to describe how earrings sway.
What I translated into "keep" is "meccha" in Japanese, which is slang for a lot, very, extremely (something like "hella"), so maybe something else would be more appropriate.
I'm back.
I'm up to date on both this thread and the old one. Even updated the thread before posting to be absolutely current. I've taken feedback and compiled a pastebin of the revisions for chapter 1.
http://pastebin.com/Wi6wbHfX
I'll look at chapter 2 later today when I have time. I saved Other guy's suggesstions from the last thread in a .doc file in case the thread dies while I'm gone.
Many thanks to Other guy and Translator for proofing it, and Typesetter for doing it all.
>>3786934
>>3786954
Unfortunately, Okina resorted to "sounding it out" rather than write it directly in English. Otherwise it would be as simple as leaving the original text in, like this Inkey one-shot.
It's up to Typesetter if he wants to do Sensei's English phrases differently. It would be neat, kinda like Kongou from KanColle. I'd prefer a blockier sans-serif font like the attached pic.
>>3786998
Ultimately I chose <They keep swaying!> to be close to the original. My logic: Her breasts are huge, so there's bound to be some sag that make them sway more than bounce (even if Okina doesn't draw them like that).
As for "meccha", I can't think of a way to add an adjective without it sounding dumb in English, so I kept it simple.
>>3786992
Sorry for the wait guys, all this "hah hah" are taking a lot of time lol
(posted this in the last thread)
This hentai is pretty great, havent seen a good one in a while. That headmaster is a piece of work, damn.
Anyway, keep it up anons! I will be following. Maybe yall can put the edited version in a mediafire once its completed, or dump it in full in a new thread.
>>3787016
> It's up to Typesetter if he wants to do Sensei's English phrases differently. It would be neat, kinda like Kongou from KanColle. I'd prefer a blockier sans-serif font like the attached pic.
It's ok for me, but in that case specify it when a word or a line has to be written with another font.
>>3787021
Do I really have to write "harden"? I think it's better to leave it like this. What do you think?
>>3787021
<We often work together after school...>
Redid the syntax and removed the stammer since it doesn't look great.
<I've always wanted to be in a situation like this...>
More grammatically correct.
>>3787031
Yeah, that's good. Frankly, I think writing out "harden" is dumb. I just did it because it was in French Anon's translation.
>>3787031
There was lines missing on pastebin, so I took them from the raw.
>>3787044
Yeah, I omitted some of the [heavy breathing] dialogue because I thought the other version was good enough.
>>3786978
Ahh, I'm late but I just think "I find it good" is odd sounding.
"I think it's good"?
Also, later
>HEY IN THERE! HOW'S YOUR COCK DOING?!
>Oh, that's great! Your erection has calmed down!
Translator anon said Sensei uses the English words "normal cock" again, so they have to be worked in here. From what Translator anon said I got the impression that she only uses the term erection, not hard-on or boner like the students (please confirm) so it's like:
>HEY IN THERE! IS YOUR COCK NORMAL YET?
>Oh, that's great! Your erection has calmed down!
or
>HEY IN THERE! HOW'S YOUR COCK DOING?!
>Oh, that's great! Your cock is normal again!
Is calm down really what the raw says?
Also what about reserving cock for Sensei, while boys use dicks and girls use dicks (or wieners if we follow the gendered speech Translator anon noted) except in cases where girls say penis or wee-wee.
>>3787044
Too much heavy breathing lel
Also, with the next post I'm going to switch to another tripcode, this is not really safe lel
>>3787062
By the way, I think that the French translation of Akiho lines is wrong. What do you think Translator?
>>3787023
>>3787016
What about Sensei's "ne" habit? Left as is? "Right?" or perhaps "Okay / m'kay / 'kay"? You might want to trip but I wish you won't drop it, it's cute.
>Of course! [English]
>Of course ~ne! [Japanese]
>Of course! [English]
>Of course! 'Kay?
>By the way, participation is mandatory ~ne
>If you don't come, you'll be expelled ~ne
>By the way, participation is mandatory. ['Kay?]
>If you don't come, you'll be expelled. 'Kay?
>>3787075
I think 'Kay would be really cute. I agree with you.
You doing the Lord's work, good anons
>>3787099
And that's the last one.
Now I'm really tired ahah I'm going to take a break.
Let me know when the revised translation for the first chapter it's ready and later or tomorrow I'll start to fix it.
>>3787075
>trip
I mean trim
>>3786954
>>3787085
The rest of Sensei's "ne"s substituted with 'kay If the lines have been modified, just adjust.
>[Okay,] distribution of the bags is done, 'kay?
>Inside are a bottle of water, a towel...
>And sunscreen, The bare essentials, 'kay?
("Inside are" -- change to "Inside each is". Remove first okay or change it to all right)
>Also, you'll look ridiculous if you hide your body with your hands or sandals. Don't hide it, flaunt it, 'kay?
(Or put it in the first sentence)
>Good, [[everybody]]! All the boys are here, 'kay? (Everybody is in English)
>No doubt about it, my hometown beach is the best, 'kay?
>Hey!
>Girls! Don't stay hidden in the tent!
>The boys are waiting for you, 'kay?
>Alright guys! Now have fun and enjoy the beach, 'kay?
>I prepared a special tent for this kind of occasion, 'kay?
>Wait a moment, 'kay?
>>3787023
Well Translator said what words were English already.
>>3787108
>>3787108
I already have Chapter 1 ready.
http://pastebin.com/Wi6wbHfX
Good job, I'll be back later to look over chapter 2. Lots of good feedback in this thread.
>>3787123
>http://pastebin.com/Wi6wbHfX
>native town
hometown, like later
>Sakai's boobs are ginomous!
typo: ginormous
>relationships between boys and girls
between you boys and girls?
>>3787123
I merged the full text of chapter 1 with those revisions, and included revisions on Sensei's English speech and mannerisms ITT.
http://pastebin.com/QJ2scxYd
Thanks guys, later again.
>>3787190
>We'll get used to it, bit by bit...
It should bee "We're getting". because right now in the story they're getting used to the beach, they're playing.
http://pastebin.com/0RkJ50TX
new version, final one, away from keyboard now.
>>3787220
Well, whichever is closer to the original text...later.
chapter 3 when
Turns out I have a free day lol.The Chinese scan has a stitched version of the splash title page of chapter 1, we need one for the raw. Also for the final time I'm going to proofread and suggest changes to the chapter 1 script... but overrule it it you like, or if the raw script is closer.
[[brackets - English words. different font etc.]]
'kay stands for Sensei ending sentences with "ne" meaning "right?", as noted by Translator anon
Suggestions below current text in greentext.
Page 1
It's heaven on Earth!
>(Heaven capitalized or Earth decapitalized)
Page 2
>Blue sky!
White... skin!
Nudity, nudity, nudity everywhere!
>(Missing lines suggested by translator)
Page 3
This is the nudist beach!!!!
>(This is a nudist beach!!!!)
Page 4 no comment
Page 5
Suomi-sensei, on this beach... Will we...
W-will we have to be naked too?
[[Of course!]]
Of course, 'kay?
...
[[Hey]] Naotatsu, what is nudism?
...
[[Excellent!]]
Page 6
Overwhelmed by the sun
>(Flooded by sunlight? Translator needed!)
I hope that true physical contact, naked skin against naked skin, will turn you into true friends!
>("real physical contact", replace with "strong genuine skinship", suggested by Translator anon)
By the way, participation is mandatory, 'kay?
If you don't come, you'll be expelled, 'kay?
>(delete one 'kay if you want)
Page 6
All the foreigners were naked!
>All the foreigners really are naked! (I guess)
.....
Okay, distribution of the bags is done.
>Distribution of the bags is done, 'kay?
Inside is a bottle of water, a towel...
And sunscreen -- the bare essentials, 'kay?
Also, you'll look ridiculous if you hide your body with your hands or sandals. Don't hide it, flaunt it, 'kay?
Alright, [[let's go!]]
>>3787270
Right, I forgot the little poem.
"Oh great/vast sea/ocean"
"Bathed by the sun" (not really sure, basically the sun rays are falling on the surface of the sea)
"I'm like a newborn"
"My skin is bare"
"My spirit/soul is set free"
"Such a pleasant feeling...!"
Then she says "In this town you can kick back and relax"
Anyway, I have finished the second chapter, and I also added a few things about page 13 of the first chapter at the end (more stuff I had forgotten to talk about). Tons of text incoming, sorry!
Page 2:
"Nudist culture" instead of naturism? Depends on what you chose to put in the first chapter
"Forced by Suomi-sensei", the word used in Japanese means "under the guidance/coaching/leadership of", so maybe something like "Encouraged by Suomi-sensei" would be more appropriate. Not too sure
Also, Naotatsu is the class rep, and Taniguchi is the "vice" class rep, no idea how you can translate that in English though
"Here it comes!" instead of "Let's go!", or "Here I go!" maybe
Page 4:
First panel, when he says she's a stunner, he stutters, so something like "Sh-She's a real stunner". And he's very excited in this sentence so at least one "!" (just checked the raw again he uses "!!")
Then he says "This chick has the same body-type as a supermodel" (supermodel in English)
I think it's pretty similar to what another guy says in the previous chapter about another girl, except he just says "model" (just checked, page 14)
Third panel, she says he's drenched/soaking wet, then asks if he's okay.
Last panel, "You didn't dodge/run away from Tae-tan's BAM". She actually uses an onomatopoeia (baan) which indicates a loud impact. So it could be a word like "smash", or something more childish. Also I think this sentence should end with "...", like she's trailing off
Page 5:
First panel first bubble, he stutters a lot. "I-Ishibashi... Ishibashi Haruko" and the sentence is "I can see her slit!!"
"I-I can see H-Haruko Ishibashi's slit!!" would be my translation
By the way, all the first names/last names are inverted in Japanese but here they are in the "western" order. So in the raw he says "Ishibashi Haruko" whereas in the translation he says "Haruko Ishibashi". Just wanted to point that out in case you guys don't like it. I think it's better this way personnally
You missed the small bubble from the girl. She just says "huh?"
Third bubble he litterally says that the "meat inside" protrudes out (not sure about that verb in English, but basically her lips stick out) and that he can see it.
The translation could be more accurate, I guess (no mention of pink specifically)
Also, instead of "wow" it should be a little stronger, like "woooah"
Last panel, like I said earlier the word "cock" should be changed
The rest is good, except that she says their hair is black. Not sure it's needed for the translation though
Page 6:
First panel, both guys use "meccha" I was talking about earlier, so I think the translation is excellent
Third panel, "my dad's" could be changed to "daddy's" or "dad's" since she directly uses the word "papa"
And then "Satou's, Suzuki's and everyone else's shape..." Obviously should be said in proper English
Like I said earlier, there's missing text on the left here, talking about hair again, can't make out the rest of the sentence hidden behind the bubble so maybe something like "So hairy..."
Fifth panel, both girls use the same word but written slightly differently, so it could be "hooooot..." for the first one, and the second one replies "soooo hoooot...."
Last panel, missing "..." in third bubble
Page 7:
First panel, he talks about their favorite "genre" (word in English). Not sure how that would translate, "fetish" is way too strong I feel...
First one is "Male voice actor" ("seiyû", I think voice actor is the best translation?), second one is "Male idol BL". BL means "Boy's Love", so "yaoi" might be too strong, no idea.
Also, concerning orekko and bokukko (typo on that word by the way!), once again, something really hard to translate. The easiest way would be to put a small * next to the words and explain it briefly somewhere else on the page.
Last panel, the first girl sounds really pissed off and basically screams/whines (lots of "iiii's" in the raw, if you check :P) so the translation should reflect that with stuff like "Aahh.. This heaaat..." maybe?
Second girl complains again because it's too hot, so she could repeat what she says previously, or something similar ("It's so hooot..." for instance) instead of "grrrr"
Page 8:
I think I saw some discussion about the word "vigorous". It's fine (she uses "genki" in Japanese, which means healthy, vigorous, etc.), but I don't know how natural it sounds in English. In any case, she is making a comment on the dude's boner in a roundabout way. Also, she uses the word "sugoi", which means "very", "extremely", etc.
Second bubble, change the "like t-this" to "like this" (no stutter here). Also could be changed to "It's my first time seeing a boy like this, so it surprised me a little". First part of the sentence, I think it sounds a little more natural, second part she uses the past tense but not sure how good it sounds if "a little" is at the end of the sentence. Up to you
In the two last panels, he repeats the exact same thing twice. "It's my fault", basically. First one is "Sorry... It's my fault", second one is "Taniguchi... Sorry, it's my fault"
I'm sure there's a better way to put that though. The asking for forgiveness line is too strong
Page 9:
Here, you could replace "huge" by "mega" or a similar word since the expression he uses is pretty strong. Although a more "formal" word would work better, since that's how he usually speaks
"That's all I am", could add "In the end, that's all I am" or "After all, that's all I am", or "at the end of the day".
Also, two "!"
Second to last panel,
"But that's actually because I'm desperately trying to hide the fact that I'm a pervert" would be the closest I can get to the meaning of the sentence. The "desperate" part especially was missing from the previous translation. The "terrible truth" is a liberty taken.
Last panel, maybe the only instance where someone talks about an erection without saying the Japanese or English words. He says his crotch/groin is swollen.
"If I don't have any self-control, all I do is watch girls all day long, with my crotch swollen". Of course, this can be improved but that's the gist of it. Concerning the "watch" part, I'm not sure if that means watching girls on the internet or just girls in general, like on the street, at school... He just says he watches girls
That's it for the first bubble
Second bubble is correct. To be precise, he says he is a "libido monster" (monster in English here, so you might want to keep it in the translation, or maybe "fiend"...). Libido could be swapped for "sex" or "sex drive"
Third bubble, he uses the same word for "libido".
He says he got his body like that (muscular, like we saw in chapter 1, but he doesn't say it here, just says "my body") as a result of an earnest training (training in English, but could be translated with "workout" I think) in order to calm his sex drive down when he's not masturbating
Page 10:
First panel, "I keep telling everyone to behave properly..." would be closer. Also, replacing "behave properly" with simply "behave" might work, just a suggestion here
In the second part of the sentence he says "keep my eyes off" but the translation is fine here
Second bubble he uses the word for "demon" so "damn" works, but I would be tempted to say "cursed erection", to add a more formal feeling to his speech. "I was the only one to get this cursed erection!!!"
(three "!")
Second panel two "!"
Fourth panel she stutters, so "I-It's my fault..."
Fifth panel, she says "huge pervert", not just "pervert". Not the same expression that the guy used previously but something that also means "huge", "ultra", "hyper", "mega", etc. Less formal
Sixth panel she repeats the first thing she said before, "it's not bad" but with a little more emphasis so "I really think it's not that bad" (no stutter here by the way). Also, in Japanese she actually says "I think it's good" but I think "it's not that bad" fits here
Then she says "I like... this sort of thing". Here it's open to interpretation, but I think she's talking about the fact that his personality has some kind of hidden aspect, he's not just a serious guy. So translate accordingly
Eighth panel, "we're both class reps, right?", she uses the word for "duo"/"pair", not exactly "both", so could be translated more accurately maybe, if you find a more natural way to say it
"This time too we can cooperate", or "now as well we can cooperate". Both sound terrible but that's the meaning (so she suggest they should cooperate/work together like they do when they do their class rep duties)
Last panel, she uses the same word for "cooperation", (when she says "help you" in the current translation)
Page 11:
Second panel, no stutter on the the "Yes!". Also I think someone suggested using "I-I'll handle the rest myself", I like it!
Page 12:
First panel she also says at the end of the sentence that they are always very close (physically, like they sit next to each other as we can see in the next panel), so maybe "We're always pretty close..."
No stammer in that sentence by the way, but she says "I..." at the very beginning. Not really necessary to the translation in my opinion
Fourth panel, she says something like "I was hoping it would come to this" so I think the current translation is inacurrate. It makes her sound like she's an exhibitionist, but I think she wanted to be in that situation with that particular guy
Fifth panel she asks him if he can "use" her body so the translation is accurate, but the Japanese version is a little more simple. She asks if her body is satisfying, useful, helpful.
By the way, in the second to last page of the second chapter she asks if her body was helpful so it's basically the same idea (different verb though, here it's use, then it's help)
His reply: "Y-Yes...", then a word which can be translated to "oh boy..." (or anything similar to this), and then "I'm going to burst"
Page 13:
Second panel, not sure but isn't it "breasts" with an s?
Tiny bubble at the bottom, he uses "..." instead of "!"
Last panel, "I-I feel nervous! I'm nervous just from being seen!", probably a better way to say it in English (stutter on first sentence)
As an aside, "They're getting erect" sounds kind of weird to me, but the meaning is absolutely correct
Page 15:
No stutter on "thank you"
He uses the word "ejaculate", she uses a word closer to "cum", so I would swap those
Also, "I think I'm gonna" instead of just "I'm gonna" for the first instance
Next panel, more something like "Eh? Since when did he start calling me by my first name?"
Two "!" in the last panel
Page 16:
First panel, "When you ejaculate (now she uses the correct word, unlike previous page)..."
"You can also kiss me" (it's okay to also kiss me)
Third panel, when he asks if it's ok, his speech is slightly deformed by the fact he's already kissing her (or maybe because he's really excited). I don't know if you could translate that correctly to English, it's a minor thing.
Page 19:
Third panel, she uses the past form of "good", so it can be translated in a lot of ways, for instance "I'm relieved", "Great", "Perfect". So use whatever you want here
Then she says his penis is pointing down
Then she asks if her body helped him
Next panel, "Yes... A lot/very much/Immensely... Akiho..."
She replies "Naotatsu..."
Next panel, "Hey!! How's it goin'?! Did your cock get back to normal (maybe add "yet")?!". "Hey" is in English, as is "normal cock" (see chapter 1)
Last panel, "Ohh, good! Your cock is pointing down..."
Here, she says "cock" in English again, she uses "ne" after "good", and the "pointing down" is the exact same expression Akiho uses at the top of the page
Page 20:
Second panel, she says "Oh shit!!" in English. Then she says he's completely erect (using the word "erection" in English), but here I think you can use a colloquial expression instead of keeping the exact word, so "you're as hard as a rock" is fine, in my opinion.
Also, she uses "ne" at the end of the sentence again.
Fourth panel, she uses the word "support" in English, like at the end of chapter 1, but in my opinion it doesn't need to be that exact same word in the translation since I think it is used frequently by the Japanese
Fifth panel, she says something like "S-Sensei, I can keep doing it!!". Of course by "it" she means taking care of him so the translation is fine, but maybe it could be "S-Sensei, I can keep taking care of him!!" to be closer to the original meaning
Last panel, "Is it okay if I support Naotatsu-kun too?!". She uses "support" again. No stutter here but she does repeat "I" twice, so "May... May I help him too?" is fine, I believe
Text on the right says "The heroine of the class Sanaka Suemori is actually volunteering?!"
Here I realise I forgot something about the last chapter, page 13. They refer to this character as "the heroin of the class", "heroin" in English (not the drug :P). I'm not 100% sure but I think it's basically the favorite girl of the boys, so that would be the cutest one. That explains the translation "the cutest girl in the class" in chapter 1. Tell me if you can think of something better or more accurate
Something else I forgot about page 13, last panel bubble at the bottom, he says specifically "Suemori's nudity", so "naked body" might be more appropriate here. Although the word "body" alone also conveys that idea. Your call!
Anyway, that's it. Sorry but I had to rush a little bit, gonna be late for work!
If you have questions I'll answer them later, bye
Ah, sorry for the overlapping notes.
>>3787270
Pg 8
What do you want?
Quit being shy, show us your dick!
>(Sensei uses the actual English word cock according to Translator, so the students say dick)
....
Fuck, everyone's looking at us.
Yeah, I wonder if it's because our foreskin's pulled back.
>Yeah, I wonder if it's because we have our foreskins pulled back
Most foreigners' aren't...
>Most foreigners don't...
>(I guess this means their glans penis is showing, unlike in foreigners)
Pg 9
>(see stuff in pastebin)
Good, [[everybody]]! All the boys are here, 'kay?
Pg 10
No doubt about it, my hometown beach is of course the best, 'kay?
>(Translator: she uses "yappa saikô". Yappa means "after all", "of course" etc. and saikô means "the best")
They're gigantic! No doubt a foreigner's!
>Her breasts/boobs are gigantic! No doubt she's a foreigner! (Phrase symmetry, Her-her-her)
Her areolae are really wide! So erotic!
Her pubic hair is in a heart shape?!
[[Hey!]]
>Translator didn't say if this was in English, but she keeps saying Hey.
Girls! Don't stay hidden in the tent!
The boys are waiting for you, 'kay?
Pg11 - no comment
Pg12
Alright guys! Now have fun and enjoy the beach, 'kay?
Pg 13
I like Sanaka-chan!
>I love Sanaka-chan! (?)
Pg 14 -no comment
Pg 15
Show us your nipples!
Look at mine, they're pink!
>Look at mine, they're pink too! / like yours!
>(Added just to show it's a boy talking to the giirl with pink nipples.)
>typo: ginormous has no R in pastebin
>>3787296
Pg 18
Don't throw it so hard!
I'm already at my minimum.
>That was minimum strength
You're completely exposed when you play like this...
We're all naked, so it doesn't change much.
We'll get used to it, bit by bit...
(We're getting. because they're getting used to it right now.)
"We'll get used to it?" Boys can't stop looking at you with their perv eyes!
(We're getting, again. Depends on what the raw says.).
......
Paradise on Earth!
>Small E?
Pg 19
Ai Dainose... She's kinda aloof, but she's a real beauty!
We'll never know what she's thinking. etc.
>We can never tell what she's thinking. etc.
Did you see? Dainose's boobs!!
Her areolae are darker around the edges!
And her pussy is hairy!
>And she's hairy down there!
>(Translator said the term pussy isn't used.)
Pg 20
Why are your penises so tiny?
Na-Nagahama?!
I see! There are all kinds of penis sizes...
>I see! Penises come in all kinds of sizes....
>(Just rearranged for "penises come")
Hina Nagahama.
The most spontaneous girl in the whole class.
>(Translator seems ok with spontaneous, but I wonder what's the original word)
Don't know if it's generousity or naievety...
>(typo: generosity, naivete. Spelling varies, US standard?)
But she's always showing her panties, and all the boys love her for it!
But there...
>But here
We can completely see her cunt!
I'm in seventh heaven!
>(Seventh heaven is a very Western term, so is cunt, we need Translator's input)
>>3787326
Pg 21
Everything around us is boner-inducing... Girls from our class, foreign chicks... All naked...
>(I wish Sensei was mentioned... :P)
Pg 22
[[Hey!]]
Naotatsu!! Getting an erection on the beach is very disrespectful!
[[But!]] (already a sound effect)
[[Don't worry!]]
I was expecting my pupils would get hard-ons!
I prepared a special tent for this kind of situation, 'kay?
You can quickly get your [[cock]] back to [[normal]] in here!
Pg 23
How... shameful. I'm so sorry...
I-I'm unforgivable!
>This is unforgivable
>(I think unforgivable is used for actions not persons)
I-I'll solve this in the tent immediately!
>(Depends on what the raw says, but I'd use "take care of this" or "handle this")
Wait a moment, 'kay?
The purpose of this school trip is to make relationships between boys and girls much, muuuch [[friendlier!]]
So when the boys are in a [[“pinch”]]
The girls will have to help them get rid of their [[erections!]]
>(erection plural)
>>3787286
Thanks, that was illuminating again.
>he got his body like that as a result of an earnest training ... in order to calm his sex drive down when he's NOT masturbating
Yikes, that's the -opposite- of the text now...
>>3787329
Hey guys, I'm still alive lol
Today I have to work, so I'll likely continue with the work this evening, around 20:00 GMT.
See you later!
>>3787293
By the way, like I said before I think the French did an error translating Akiho in page 16.
They wrote something like "Yes, it's okay" when she reply to the guy who is asking if it's ok to kiss her, but in the raw the line is "Itte! Mou! Shiteru ja nai!".
Wouldn't that means something like"It's ok! Geez, you're already doing it!" What do you think, Translator?
>>3787432
Well that sounds legit but I'm waiting for Translator too. We need to update the scripts more to include his/her new suggestions... maybe I can do a tentative version in an hour or so.
>>3787270
one more time, the most pressing grammar issues for me...
>Okay, distribution of the bags is done.
>Inside is a bottle of water, a towel...
We need "each" after inside, because "the bags" is plural and conflicts with "is".
"Inside each is a bottle..."
>>3787326
We'll get used to it vs We're getting used to it.
>>3787329
>I-I'm unforgivable!
This is probably okay - to me,"This is unforgivable" sounds more natural but maybe I'm just being too anal.
>The purpose of this school trip is to make relationships between boys and girls much, muuuch [[friendlier!]]
Between "you" boys and girls sounds better to me... but it all comes down to Translator/Editor...
>>3787531
looking back on the classroom dialogue
"Their ideas, one of which is the cult of nudity, gained widespread acceptance in Germany."
Shouldn't it be
"Their ideas included the cult of nudity, which gained widespread acceptance in Germany"
It depends on what was meant with "gained acceptance in Germany" -- the group's ideas in general or nudism itself.
Also, ideas might be better translated as beliefs, or notions if that's too strong.
Working on a tentative updated ch1 and ch2 script with Translator's additions, in a while. Submitting for consideration.
P.6
>("real physical contact", replace with "strong genuine skinship", suggested by Translator anon)
Maybe "strong skinship" or "genuine skinship" would be enough (I prefer the second one)
P.7
>All the foreigners really are naked! (I guess)
Good guess, he uses the word "hontou" in Japanese, which means "really" (same word used for "skinship" just above)
P.10
>(Translator: she uses "yappa saikô". Yappa means "after all", "of course" etc. and saikô means "the best")
I feel that "no doubt about it" and "of course" are a little redundant here
>Translator didn't say if this was in English, but she keeps saying Hey.
Here she says "hai", Japanese for "yes", "alright", "good", etc. also used to call someone so "hey" is correct. If you decide to write the English stuff in a different font, this one should stay in the regular font
P.13
>I love Sanaka-chan! (?)
I think this is better. As I said earlier she is the "heroin" of the class, so that would mean all the boys "love" her, she's the class darling
P.15
>Look at mine, they're pink too! / like yours!
Here my understanding is that at first the girls hide their nipples, so the boys can't see them. So he's not comparing his nipples to the girls'. Therefore I would keep "Look at mine, they're pink!"
P.18
>(We're getting, again. Depends on what the raw says.).
I would say "we'll get used to it...", mostly because she ends her sentence with "..." which indicates a relative uncertainty (also uses some other words that indicate this, I believe)
P.19
>We can never tell what she's thinking. etc.
>And she's hairy down there!
I like those, but I would add "she's so hairy down there". He uses the word "kekkou" which means "quite", "fairly". To be more specific, he first says "Hair!" and then says it is quite dense
>(Translator said the term pussy isn't used.)
Indeed, just "hair" (note: when they comment on Akiho's pubes page 11 they don't use just the word "hair", but a word mixing "pussy" and "hair", so on page 11 "pubes" is good, here "hairy" would be appropriate
P.20
>(Translator seems ok with spontaneous, but I wonder what's the original word)
Word used can mean "natural", "spontaneous", but also "airhead"
>(Seventh heaven is a very Western term, so is cunt, we need Translator's input)
He just says he's in heaven/paradise. I think "seventh heaven" is something that sounded more natural in French. "cunt" sounds a bit strong, he just uses the regular word for "pussy" (manko)
P.23
>(Depends on what the raw says, but I'd use "take care of this" or "handle this")
Verb used means "controlling", "suppressing", "calming", "quelling"
So he says he'll [verb] in the tent immediately. Your suggestions are good, I think
>Between "you" boys and girls sounds better to me... but it all comes down to Translator/Editor...
Both are fine, in my opinion. But she's directly adressing them so adding "you" might be better, I agree
>>3787432
>"It's ok! Geez, you're already doing it!"
You're right, I missed this one. I like your translation
>>3787536
>It depends on what was meant with "gained acceptance in Germany" -- the group's ideas in general or nudism itself.
This part is hard to understand, but I think it's something like "Their school of thoughts spread to Germany as nude culture slowly developped". All of their ideas spread to Germany, among them was nude culture which was gradually developping. Can't say for sure here. Could also be that their (school of) ideas gradually spread to Germany, among them nude culture.
>>3787547
>Word used can mean "natural", "spontaneous", but also "airhead"
How about "innocent?" You lose the meaning of spontaneous but it fits better with both natural and airhead
http://pastebin.com/FkB04sdU
Final unified chapter 1 proposal, have a look
>>3787561
Noted Western/Japanese name order
http://pastebin.com/SZcsev9g
>>3787561
P.2
Blue sky line missing
P.5
Line 14, "and taking part" instead of "and take part" maybe?
Line 16, replace "father" with "dad" (she uses the word "papa", like the girl in chapter 2). Also, she refers to him as the "board chairman" (according to my dictionary), but I have no idea how that would translate to English
P.13
Line 3, here instead of "cutest girl in the class" could be "the class darling" or something, as we discussed earlier.
Line 7, "Suemori's naked body" could be added, but as I said earlier I don't think it's necessary. You decide if it sounds better to you or not
P.15
Line 7, "if you saw less" instead of "if you see"? Not sure, just asking
Line 16, suggestion "They won't stop swaying!"
P.16
Line 8, instead of "boobs", something like breasts. There are two basics words for breasts in Japanese, "oppai" and "mune"
Oppai is used a lot, can be translated to breasts, tits, boobs, etc. depending on the context. In these two chapters the characters almost exclusively use this word
Mune is less "vulgar" and informal, so breasts would fit better.
P.18
Line 7, "In that case, they should just come and play with us" (I forgot this line previously)
P.19
Line 5, maybe just "Did you see? Her boobs!!", otherwise "Dainose" is repeated three times in four lines
P.20
Line 14, up to you! Could also be "The airhead of the class" or something like that, but it's really a matter of interpretation I think
P.22
Line 5, instead of "disrespectful", she says it's a "breach of manners" (manner is in English by the way, I think I forgot to mention this one). I'm not sure whether "breach of manners" sounds good in English or not though
>>3787566
Did you just change the names? I checked the text from your previous pastebin link
>>3787576
No, I just put Japanese name order in parentheses below the lines where the full names are given
Will update again...
>P.2
>Blue sky line missing
oops
> replace "father" with "dad" (she uses the word "papa", like the girl in chapter 2)
I'm ok with using papa for both...
>Also, she refers to him as the "board chairman"
Chairman of the school board?
>"if you saw less" instead of "if you see"? Not sure, just asking
Will check
>>3787576
>"and taking part" instead of "and take part" maybe?
Yeah it's wrong, that slipped past me
Pg 22
5. Naotatsu!! Getting an erection on the beach is a breach of [[manners!]]
She doesn't say erection in English here, though she does later? What does she use, hard-on?
I'd just make erection English here as well.
>>3787579
>Chairman of the school board?
If that sounds good in English to you, sure
>>3787583
>She doesn't say erection in English here, though she does later? What does she use, hard-on?
She uses the Japanese word for erection, so:
Naotatsu!! Getting an erection on the beach is a breach of [[manners!]]
is fine to me!
>>3787589
It's the formal word, not slang like hard-on/boner?
It just seems odd to me to put erection in two fonts...
>>3787590
Well, it's "bokki", which depending on the context once again can be translated as "erection", "boner", "hard-on". They almost always use this word, kind of like "oppai" for boobs
>>3787590
I realized "hey" would have to be in two fonts also...
Maybe change all the instances of non-English "Hey!" to something lke "Oi!"? Still sounds like Hai! too...
Latest chapter 1 proposal:
http://pastebin.com/Y7QJZNsr
>>3787595
Just two small things, the rest is good!
P.9
Line 6, I think I already told this but here he says two separate sentences if you look at the raw. First, "Hey! You two! Show some respect!" and then in smaller fonts "Quit gawking". Perhaps you could add "And" before "quit gawking" to make it more natural
P.10
Line 2, maybe replace "no doubt she's a foreigner" by "as expected from a foreigner" because that's actually what they say, and it removes the repetition of "no doubt" (already said once just before by the teacher)
Line 5, I like "Oi"
>>3787601
I agree with both
>>3787605
>"Hey you two, show some respect! And quit gawking!"
Okay, switched and made two sentences
>"As expected of a foreigner"
"As ___ of" is more usual than "As ___ from"
I like it, "expected" means they were already thinking about her boobs, haha.
Again, ch. 1
http://pastebin.com/Hdy59b5z
>>3787283
>Page 6:
>both guys use "meccha" I was talking about earlier, so I think the translation is excellent
"You get the feeling Kuniki's looking at our dicks a lot?"
Added "a lot" to show "meccha", and because the sentences here keep ending with "dicks"
>And then "Satou's, Suzuki's and everyone else's shape..." Obviously should be said in proper English
"Satou's, Suzuki's and everyone else's are shaped differently"
"Satou's, Suzuki's, and everyone else's have different shapes"
But does she say "different"?
>>3787617
>But does she say "different"?
No, just lists the two names + word for "everyone" and then says the word "shape"/"form"/"appearance"
There's also a word at the very end of this sentence that means "and other things", so it would be more accurate if she said "their appearance and everything...", or something like that
>>3787623
"Sato's, Suzuki's, and everyone else's... Their shape and everything..."
Shapes with an s?
>>3787627
There's not really a plural form in Japanese, so it depends. Here, you can just choose whatever sounds best in English, and I think the singular form is better here. But I could be wrong.
By the way, "everyone else's" could be replaced by "the other guys'" or "the rest of the guys'" I think. Maybe even "boys", since she uses a few childish words (papa, etc.)
Finally, here's a full draft of a tentative chapter 2 with the input in this thread.
http://pastebin.com/2NfykXPK
>>3787294
>Second panel, she says "Oh shit!!" in English. Then she says he's completely erect (using the word "erection" in English), but here I think you can use a colloquial expression instead of keeping the exact word, so "you're as hard as a rock" is fine, in my opinion. Also, she uses "ne" at the end of the sentence
- Oh shit!! Naotatsu! You're as hard as a rock, 'kay?
- Oh shit!! Naotatsu! Your erection has completely returned, 'kay?
('kay stands for ne)
>>3787662
I forgot: it seems we're not using honorifics except for sensei, "Naotatsu-kun" is just Naotatsu. So "Kiyona-tan" and "Shizuha-tan" need to be just Kiyona and Shizuha.
Again, the latest versions:
Ch 1: http://pastebin.com/Mm1vAye2
Ch. 2: http://pastebin.com/0dpQz15n
Ok guys, I'm back!
>>3787686
.....haven't you guys already finished this a few times now? Unless I'm missing something.
>>3787690
Yeah, Translator showed up while we were revising the work and checked the translation with the original japanese.
Anyway guys, next page will take more time, there is a lot of work to do.
lol it seems everyone gone on without me. Great work, Other guy and Translator.
Some input from me though:
>>3787673
>I forgot: it seems we're not using honorifics except for sensei, "Naotatsu-kun" is just Naotatsu. So "Kiyona-tan" and "Shizuha-tan" need to be just Kiyona and Shizuha.
Personally I'd like honorifics to be left in. Previously they weren't because the FR version made no effort to translate them. After all, lacking or a change of honorifics means a great deal in Japan, as well as going by first-name basis (as seen in the tent in chapter 2).
>>3787662
>- Oh shit!! Naotatsu! Your erection has completely returned, 'kay?
While I think the verbal tic is cute too, there are several lines where it just sounds like she has Down syndrome in English. Translation isn't a 1:1 job, there's always some liberties to take for a good-sounding work.
>>3787686
Heaven's missing the H
>>3787707
Ah thanks
>>3787706
>Personally I'd like honorifics to be left in
Okay, let's wait for Translator to come back and tell us, or if Typesetter can do it.
Japanese name order as well?
>>3787706
>While I think the verbal tic is cute too, there are several lines where it just sounds like she has Down syndrome in English.
Sure, you can trim or remove it. What I wrote is only temporary anyway.
>>3787706
What if we represent "ne" with "yeah?"
>>3787710
>Japanese name order as well?
That'll be good too. Most of the students are on last-name basis with each other anyway.
>Sure, you can trim or remove it. What I wrote is only temporary anyway.
It's good work to be sure. I'll just read the final product before making judgments.
>>3787717
I think yeah works
>Of course! (English) Of course, yeah!
>If you don't come, you'll be expelled, yeah!
>The bare essentials, yeah!
> No doubt about it, my hometown beach is the best, yeah!
>I prepared a special tent for this kind of situation, yeah!
>>3787717
>What if we represent "ne" with "yeah?"
It definitely sounds less awkward for sure, though I think it's mostly guys that do this tic when it comes to all the translated animes and mangos I've read. Still works though, since the sensei's a bit tomboyish and free-spirit.
I think "ya?" works too.
>>3787686
Still doing a great job, keep up!
>>3787706
I agree with both your points, the "kay" could be removed or changed to something else in some lines. "Ne" has a pretty wide range of uses. You could actually quickly google it to have a better idea, I just checked and there are lots of results in English with good explanations (search "ne in japanese")
Second point about the honorifics, I would keep them because they don't actually use them a lot in the chapters. "Sensei" is obviously important, and the "-tan" indicates they talk like otakus would. "kun" only appears once so I believe it would be fine to keep it. In some works the characters constantly use "san" or "kun" but here it's fine.
>>3787710
Concerning the name order, it's not a big deal but I have a preference for western order
I have finished reading the second chapter pastebin so I'll post my observations
P.26
Line 3, "stuff of dreams" is fine with me, but I wanted to give you the exact thing she says. Basically she has a great body, so translate however you want
P.29
Line 5, I like the second suggestion better. She sounds a little bit more annoyed with short sentences "(Aaaaargh! This heat! I can't stand it anymore!)"
P.31
Line 2, maybe "At the end of the day, that's all I am!!"? I feel that "after all" has a slightly different meaning
Lines 7 and 8, maybe try to avoid the repetition of the word "libido". I was thinking of "sex drive" for line 8
P.32
Line 5, not sure if it's a mistake in the pastebin but this line doesn't have quotation marks
Line 7, does "facet of your personality" sound natural in English? I don't hear it very often. Maybe "part of yourself" or something akin
Line 10 and 11, "work together" repeated, maybe "I want us to cooperate!" for line 11?
P.33
Line 13, "His breath..." no stutter here actually
P.35
Line 7, not sure what that means!
Lines 11 and 12, I would leave the characters as they are (unless you can find a good English sound effect)
P.37
Line 7, once again, quotations marks to remove
P.38
Line 6, as suggested by Typesetter, "It's ok! Geez, you're already doing it!" is a better translation for this line
P.39
Line 2, she doesn't say "Aaaah!", more like a muffled sound (similar to what they do previously when they kiss), like a groan of pleasure maybe
P.42
Line 4, voting in favor of "as hard as a rock" for this line
Anyway, I'm off for today!
>>3787700
It took me an hour and half, but there is it, the third page!
Sorry for the wait, I had to redraw everything a lot.
>>3787728
>>3787723
>>3787726
Ch 1 edited http://pastebin.com/Mm1vAye2
Put honorifics, but only for some who require it:
Suomi-sensei
the otakus Kiyona-tan and Shizuha-tan
the class cutie Sanaka-chan
Also toned town Sensei's ne, now represented by ya?
Ch. 2 edited, added your fixes
http://pastebin.com/0dpQz15n
>>3787770
>Well you still could but how many times have you repeated the pages now, haha.
This is the third time ahaha
>>3787773
It's ok like this?
>>3787785
And this is to show how it is with the english words in another font. By the way, I'm still uncertain about what font to use, this is temporary.
>>3787785
"Nudist Beach" is an a italic font right? But the T doesn't line up, change the font or the chalk stroke.
>>3787788
What if you use the same font for the English words as the word on the blackboard?
>>3787757
>>3787700
This is a stitch, do you want to redraw/finish it?
Shorter height because they don't actually line up straight and jpg because png is too big (but continue using png for the pages). Estimated the difference based on Sensei's foot.
>>3787808
I had to crop out a bit of the boys' feet.
>>3787808
>>3787810
>>3787816
Ah sorry I didn't notice you replied.
> This is a stitch, do you want to redraw/finish it?
Lel I didn't even notice it. Thank you man!
Yes, of course I'll do it.
>jpg because png is too big
Well, we could simply put both the pages merged in jpeg and then the single pages in png in this case, what do you think?
>What if you use the same font for the English words as the word on the blackboard?
I tried it and it looks good, I fixed the "teacher too" and changed the font. Actually, I wrote two words all in capitals, and the other two normally.
What do you think?
Anyway I'm going to take a break, later guys.
>>3787824
Here is the page.
>>3787766
Very quick comment about the honorifics, the Japanese raw only says "-chan" P.13, line 4. The rest of the time she is called "Suemori".
The two otaku girls use "-tan" when they talk to each other, so P.16, line 6 and P.17, line 2.
In chapter 2, P.29, line 6, "Come on Shizuha-tan" (this one is missing from the pastebin).
And final instance of "-tan" in chapter 2 is P.26, line 8, the loli girl refers to her friend as "Tae-tan". In this case, the honorific is a childish way of saying "-chan" (but this is already in the pastebin so nothing to change here).
"-sensei" is always used for the teacher.
So in the end I would only keep one "-chan", like I said, and add the one "-tan" that is missing in chapter 2. Unless I misunderstood completely and you wanted to add the honorifics even if it's not in the Japanese raw (for consistency maybe).
I hope it's clearer that way!
Oh and one "-kun" in the very last page of chapter 2. But that's it, no other honorifics in the chapters apart from those I listed.
>>3787882
>>3787885
>So in the end I would only keep one "-chan", like I said, and add the one "-tan" that is missing in chapter 2. Unless I misunderstood completely and you wanted to add the honorifics even if it's not in the Japanese raw (for consistency maybe).
Goodness, no. If that's all the honorifics then that's fine. Don't want to make shit up.
Thanks for pointing them out.
>>3787825
I'm back guys!
The file size was too big because the color format wasn't gray scale. Now it should be okay.
>>3787808
>>>3787785 (You)
>"Nudist Beach" is an a italic font right? But the T doesn't line up, change the font or the chalk stroke.
Fixed.
>>3787987
Wrong file name. It should be "02-03".
So, what about the other pages?
Did you check the chapter 1? It's ok to procede?
>>3788006
I checked the pastebin text for chapter 1 (http://pastebin.com/Mm1vAye2) and everything is fine to me, except for the two "Suemori-chan" (P.13, line 7 and P.14, line 3) which should be changed to "Suemori".
But I would wait for a confirmation from Editor guy and Other guy, just to be sure
Made the honorific changes as well as some other minor changes. Can't be arsed to change name order even though I prefer Eastern, so leave it.
Chapter 1: http://pastebin.com/MZy3ZN5X
Chapter 2: http://pastebin.com/i0rTBnDu
P 26 L 8
>You didn't even dodge her smash...
changed to
>You didn't dodge Tae-tan's smash...
"Even" sounds awkward and "Tae-tan" gives it a childish charm.
P 27 L 8
>Wee-wees
>(Pastebin unchanged)
Does she actually say "chinchin" here in the raw? I think it's fine when she's referring to her dad's dick, but the repetition here sounds unusually childish for her. If "dicks" is too repetitive, a standard "penises" here would be fine.
P 41 L 3
>Did my body help you?
changed to
>Was my body helpful?
I really like this like more than the original. Less stodgy.
>>3788116
>Does she actually say "chinchin" here in the raw? I think it's fine when she's referring to her dad's dick, but the repetition here sounds unusually childish for her. If "dicks" is too repetitive, a standard "penises" here would be fine.
Just checked, she actually says "chinchin" only once, on page 27, line 8.
Then she just says she's never seen any besides her dad's, but she doesn't say what explicitely, although it is obvious of course.
By the way, P.28, line 4 shouldn't begin with "Ah!" but rather something like "Ah...", in Japanese she says "Uaa..."
I like the rest of your changes
>>3788116
>>3788121
If you are all satisfied I'll go ahead and continue then.
Hi guys
>>3788116
Go time, more or less? Great, thanks!
>>3788121
so it should be like (using your exact phrasing):
"Ah... I've never seen any before, besides Papa's... Satou's, Suzuki's, and everyone else's... Their shape and everything..."
>>3788137
>>3788140
Try putting the English words in bold, I didn't know the O and U looked so alike and the Y looks like a V... it's a bit hard to read for me. What do you think?
>>3788142
>Try putting the English words in bold, I didn't know the O and U looked so alike and the Y looks like a V... it's a bit hard to read for me. What do you think?
Actually I think so too, I was waiting for your feedback. Let's try...
>>3788145
Ok, something like that.
>>3788147
It's better but maybe your handwriting font can be normal not italic?
>>3788146
Here the unmerged page...
>>3788153
...and the merged one.
>>3788152
>It's better but maybe your handwriting font can be normal not italic?
It's already normal,
>Either way, try putting a little more space (kerning) between the E and Y in HEY, it still kinda looks like "HEV"
Hmm at this point I think it's better to change font.
>>3788142
>so it should be like (using your exact phrasing):
Yes, that's the meaning of the sentence, but as always in translations you can change a few words around if it makes it sound more natural in English. So as long as the final translation keeps that meaning it's fine, in my opinion.
The "Ah..." should be changed to "Wow..." I think, since she is fascinated/impressed.
>>3788162
So, what about this?
>>3788164
Better, I think
Sorry I'm doing this blow by blow, but what if you put the names in bold, at least the first appearances of the full names, and the personal names if they come first (like Naotatsu here)?
>>3788164
and finally for this page try to make outdoor activities non-hyphenated
Dunno if the others, Editor guy in particular, are okay with it already
>>3788164
Will that font look good on the blackboard too?
The other one looks like handwriting for sure, but if they were still the same, it helps convey from the start that Sensei is speaking English words
>>3788170
>Sorry I'm doing this blow by blow, but what if you put the names in bold, at least the first appearances of the full names, and the personal names if they come first (like Naotatsu here)?
Ah, don't worry lel
AnywayI don't really mind but why?
>>3788171
>and finally for this page try to make outdoor activities non-hyphenated
Lel I missed it, let me know if it's happens again.
>>3788164
The typesetting is very good, except for the font used for the English words. They look a little too much like bolded versions of the regular text, I think (like the two "of course" in the second panel, it's pretty hard to tell the difference).
I'm still trying to find example of good fonts to use for English words in manga
>>3788174
> I'm still trying to find example of good fonts to use for English words in manga
It would really be of help.
Usually I work in my language, and if I find an english word I just put it in italica, but if the rest of the text is in english it's different.
Anyway, another idea would be to put the english words in cursive.
>>3788176
Cursive might be harder to read, especially if all caps. The font needs to be in uppercase too since I feel the English words are said in a forceful, emphatic way.
"GETTING AN erection IS NOT ALLOWED" looks more silly than funny.
Are you using Wild Words for the normal text now?
>>3788173
The bolding of names (at least the first time) is for emphasis, but yeah it might not be needed. It's a Western comics thing?
>>3788178
>Are you using Wild Words for the normal text now?
No, Anime Ace 2.0 BB.
>The bolding of names (at least the first time) is for emphasis, but yeah it might not be needed. It's a Western comics thing?
Mah, I've never seen it in manga. Usually they only write furigana (pronunciation) on the name's characters the first time they appear.
Anyone have a link to the Chinese version? Is it on sadpanda?
>>3788186
>Try Augie
Ah yeah, I know the font. All caps?
>>3788192
Eh, not as well as I thought...
Searching and testing stuff myself.
I think part of the problem is Anime Ace lettering being so wide, it's hard to find fonts with the same size. But still looking.
>>3788192
Hmm, are you on Windows? Maybe try "Arial Rounded MT Bold"
>>3788205
Well, if you want I can switch to Wild Words or another font, it's not really a problem, in any case we are redoing all the pages.
>>3788211
Arial Rounded MT Bold regular
>>3788211
And "Arial Rounded MT Bold" bold lol
>>3788214
>>3788216
Looks okay, but it works better with Wild Words since they're closer to each other's size than with Anime Ace.
Wild Words is size 36 here, Arial Rounded is bold and size 38.
>>3788223
>>3788216
Or just stick with Anime Ace (easier for you) and make Arial Rounded bigger.
Here, Anime Ace is 28 and Arial Rounded is bold and 33.
(Forgot Manners was supposed to be English)
Whichever main font, just adjust the sizes and spacing.
>>3788233
I think it's better Wild Words after all. Have a look.
>>3788254
This might be too much already, but I think the Arial Rounded words always need to be a little bigger.
They're the same size as the rest, right? But the Arial Rounded font itself is still smaller than Wild Words, so make them a little bigger and adjust the spacing between lines.
Look at the e in experience and w in will, etc.
The two Of Course! balloons look nice because the Arial text is a little larger.
>>3788257
Hey! is too big but Experience and Skinship look great, the same as the rest.
Sorry, I meant that the Arial Rounded words always need to be a little bigger so the two fonts should look more or less the same.
>>3788275
Great job, I like the font now.
Just one thing about this page, like I said earlier "Hey you two, show some respect!" and "And quit gawking!" must be separated, and the second sentence must be in smaller font.
Check the raw for reference:
http://exhentai.org/s/f253ad5ca3/722512-9
Other than that it's perfect!
>>3788276
I think the top empty space of the left word balloon is bigger than the bottom empty space...
Maybe write "so gigantic" to fill it out so they're equal? It doesn't change the meaning too much...
>>3788277
Ah yeah, fixed.
> Check the raw for reference:
Well, I worked directly on the raws, no need to link I just have to select the right layer ^^
>>3788280
And "so gigantic" and "so erotic" have symmetry.
>>3788283
I don't think the problem is this.
The problem is that the second lines actually has to go with the first, I had to break them apart to avoid breaking words.
Anyway, take a look now, I tried to move them a little.
>>3788288
Ah, since now you've moved them, you can remove the extra "so" without changing their position. Some might think the extra so is too much and it's not in the final script... Sorry man.
>>3788292
Don't worry!
>>3788306
Yeah, I think so too.
>>3788316
The next line should be: "Our backs are totally defenseless!" plural, to match with "our butts"
>>3788316
>>3788318
Lel, just in time.
>>3788316
>>3788320
I'm revising their TL Note to be clearer I hope
TL Note:
Bokukko: Girl who uses the masculine first-person pronoun "boku". Girl who says "I..." like a boy.
Orekko: Girl who uses the masculine first-person pronoun "ore". Girl who says "I..." like a tough guy (or tough boy, you decide)
>>3788352
"The" class airhead.
>>3788269
Forgot to change color mode to gray scale.
>>3788362
Don't worry could be bigger but not as big as Hey! Is it as big as Erection and Manners? Looks a little small to me...
>>3788365
It's smaller then both, I had to do it like this 'cause of that "but". Hmm... let's see if I can do something about it anyway.
>>3788367
Maybe something like that?
>>3788371
By the way, here is the last.
>>3788245
"Earth" with a capital "E" would be proper here. When it comes to the two, you capitalize it when it's referring to the planet. Lowercase "earth" refers to dirt or the ground.
Sorry it slipped my mind, I was going to comment on it when Other guy suggested lowercase.
Checked the chapter two script once again, a few minor observations:
P.28, line 4, we discussed earlier about this line, "Ah... I've never seen any before, besides Papa's... Satou's, Suzuki's, and everyone else's... Their shape and everything..." was suggested by Other guy
P.32, line 11, "cooperate" is the right verb but it feels a little weird here, so I suggest "I want to help you!"
P.38, lines 5 and 6, she talks normally here, unlike the guy, and no stutter, so:
5. Yes!
6. It's ok! Geez, you're already doing it!
>>3788371
Hmm, what if Don't Worry was tilted up instead of down?
>>3788374
Oh, welcome back.
Fixed.
Also, we just finished chapter 1, how do you like it?
>>3788377
Like this?
>>3788378
>Also, we just finished chapter 1, how do you like it?
I haven't gotten a chance to take a look at it since I've been running around town doing errands, and I'm about to go to work. Good job so far though.
Oh, and "?" after "Earth" isn't necessary. I think Japan uses question marks differently than English speakers.
>>3788374
>>3788378
Then Heaven has to be capitalized there too, right?
What about I'm in heaven! and This is paradise!
As I understand it, capitalization is optional since the words have entered secular language... like "Go to hell", do you capitalize Hell or not?
>>3788375
"Ah..." can be "Oh wow...", like you said she's fascinated/impressed. With or without the Oh.
>>3788379
It looks odder now... maybe if the tilt was more gentle.
>>3788382
If the mountain will not come to muhammad... lel
>>3788382
>As I understand it, capitalization is optional since the words have entered secular language... like "Go to hell", do you capitalize Hell or not?
Yeah, these words can be left alone with the reasons you said, as well as lacking a double meaning like "earth" does with capitalization.
>>3788381
>Oh, and "?" after "Earth" isn't necessary.
Agreed, and it's not like it's an essential line to understand the plot either!
>>3788382
>"Ah..." can be "Oh wow...", like you said she's fascinated/impressed. With or without the Oh.
You're right, I think I said earlier that "Wow..." could work here
>It looks odder now... maybe if the tilt was more gentle.
Could align it slightly more with her left arm and where her eyes are looking (not sure if I'm being clear here)
>>3788387
Fixed.
Anyway, while we all are here, what do you think about credits? Should I write something in page 2?
>>3788386
I think Earth should be lowercase because "heaven and earth" when juxtaposed are concepts - spiritual and material planes, not directly or only referring to the planet Earth.
>/h/ - English Class
>>3788394
> because "heaven and earth" when juxtaposed are concepts - spiritual and material planes
>>/h/ - English Class
Also Philosofy lol
>>3788394
Earth isn't a concept, it's the planet we're living on. That's why I'm against lowercasing it.
Now, "Heaven" can be capitalized if you're of Judeo-Christian faith referring to the one Heaven, but since this is Japan, I doubt they're Christians and think there're just referring it as a concept.
>>3788393
>Anyway, while we all are here, what do you think about credits? Should I write something in page 2?
I'd rather have a credits page at the end so the art isn't defaced.
>>3788399
Nevermind my previous post, I guess this one time Heaven can be capitalized.
Gotta go to work. See you guys in several hours.
>>3788379
Honestly I think it would be better if you scrapped the whole idea of using a different font to emphasize the words Suomi sensei speaks in English in the original Japanese version. You're obsessing too much over individual words as opposed to the idea that Shiwasu no Okina is trying move across. In this case the idea happens to be a wacky foreign teacher, the current approach doesn't do a very good job at illustrating that (it'd be impossible to understand without a TL note) and it looks rather ugly. A better approach would be to give her dialogue a more "All American" flavor so to speak.
>>3788400
>I'd rather have a credits page at the end so the art isn't defaced.
You're right, let's think about it later.
Have a good day.
>>3788385
I'm fine with this, slanted text looks odd if the balloon isn't.
>>3788399
>>3788401
I was going to say I agree with uppercase Earth, but okay.
>>3788400
Okay, credits at the back but TL notes in the borders for reading ease. You want psuedonyms? Also will you put this on sadpanda, besides a download site?
>>3788404
I understand... we could just put all her dialogue in Wild Words, her actions speak for herself.
>>3788412
>>3788412
>I was going to say I agree with uppercase Earth, but okay.
So what do I have to write?
>You want psuedonyms?
Hmm dunno, I could just use the same nickname I usually use when I translate manga. What about you?
>Also will you put this on sadpanda, besides a download site?
I don't have an account, but I can register when we'll finish and upload it there besides a DL site.
>I understand... we could just put all her dialogue in Wild Words, her actions speak for herself.
Yeah, in case we could also write the english words in Wild Wold italic.
>>3788420
>So what do I have to write?
uppercase Earth, like Editor and Translator said
heaven is lowercase always
paradise is lowercase
>we could also write the english words in Wild Words italic.
But you already put entire word balloons in italic to represent thoughts (which is good). It would be weird if they were mixed for one person.
Even bolding those words in the normal font would raise questions, we would still need a TL note, and readers can only take so much of that. >>3788404
So... I guess the best route is just to put all her words in the normal speaking font. (But I'll save the current ones for myself.)
I think most of her lines are fine as is. The two instances of "Of course" need to be changed though. Maybe like:
"Of course! Naturally, ya?"
There's added wordplay on naturally/naturism, as the previous line is "Will we have to be naked?"
>>3788420
>I don't have an account, but I can register
If Editor guy has an account too, he might want to do it. Or Translator. You decide, you three are more important.
>>3788382
>>3788386
>>3788508
"I'm in heaven" and "This is paradise" are all in all-caps Wild Words anyway... sorry. Geez I feel silly.
I see you did write some balloons in italic for emphasis. This is good. But all the Wild Words text in these balloons are in italic, so you still can't mix plain and italic Wild Words for her balloons.
>>3788508
>>3788516
>uppercase Earth
>paradise is lowercase
This should be ok then:
>>3788393
>If Editor guy has an account too, he might want to do it. Or Translator. You decide, you three are more important.
If Editor guy has an account it would be faster that way. In the end it doesn't matter who upload it.
>So... I guess the best route is just to put all her words in the normal speaking font.
Reading what anon >>3788404
said before I think so too. I'll begin to fix the pages.
>>3788385
Try to use the unmodified art.
>>3788372
Between shouldn't be hyphenated.
>>3788375
>>3788382
>>3788533
Adjusted the pastebin again to reflect Translator's points. Also removed the direction of different fonts for English words and switched to Japanese name order.
Pg 27
1. I-I can see Ishibashi Haruko's slit!!
(The stutter is on the I, not Ishibashi so the name is clear.)
Pg 28
4. Wow... I've never seen any before, besides Papa's... Satou's, Suzuki's, and everyone else's... Their shape and everything...
Pg 38
1. When you ejaculate...
2. You can also kiss me...
3. It's o-okay?
(Stutter here and in the following line, since Translator said he doesn't speak normally)
4. C-can I?!
(Not Can I cum? - the dialogue refers to kissing)
5. Yes!
6. It's okay! Geez, you're already doing it!
(Kissing, not cumming)
Final chapter 2? - http://pastebin.com/c4Zka4aA
>>3788537
>I-I can see Ishibashi Haruko's slit!!
Or "I c-can see Ishibashi Haruko's slit!!", or wherever the stutter looks good. In the original he stutters her name.
>>3788537
>Try to use the unmodified art.
Here we are.
>>3788544
The exclamation point still bumps into the But...
What if you move the entire But a little to the right?
>>3788546
No forget it, the bar of the t is too long and the But is drawn to be connected to the balloon.
>>3788547
Well, it's exactly what I did before, I moved a little the "t" and I gained some space. See the image.
>>3788550
Maybe you should just move the "!!" too, to keep the whole drawing.
