>dozens of raccoons outside my house
>can't even go to my car without getting snarled at by dozens of dog-sized raccoons
>I'm not allowed to shoot them
>I'm not allowed to trap them
>my state's wildlife officials aren't allowed to interfere with them anymore since they passed bullshit laws
WHAT DO I DO NOW
Get a couple of really big dogs that can bark at/scare away the coons
Where?
Live among them and earn their respect, become their alpha and lead them in ritual suicide,
>>1993409
Get urine from a large ass predator, ask local zoos/wildlife rehabilitation centers. Spray the raccoons with it every time you go outside.
>>1993409
>>I'm not allowed to trap them
>>my state's wildlife officials aren't allowed to interfere with them anymore since they passed bullshit laws
What fucking batshit insane state are you from that wont let wildlife officials remove Raccoons? I would like to know to stay the fuck away from that state. Raccoons are the #2 transmitter of rabies in the U.S. behind bats. No state should have laws stopping professional wildlife officials from removing them from populated areas.
>>1993409
Are fireworks legal in your state?
If so, fireworks.
If not, walk tall and carry a big stick.
I feel like there are a lot of options here. Get a big dog, my GSD enjoyed killing raccoons rather too much. Set up a motion detector sprinkler system like they do for feral cats. Bear mace them every time you see them. Simply don't get caught killing them, they're not going to launch CSI on your ass, just don't do dumbshit like post pictures of your new coon skin hats all over Facebook. Kill raccoon, bury, repeat. If you bludgeon them to death it will be impossible to say you were the one who did it. Or you know just deal with it if it's just snarling. I'd probably enjoy myself by performing roaring standoffs with them. They don't pose a real threat to you, they're not going to bum rush you and eat your face off. The only danger is if one is rabid and if one is rabid it will either be seizing under your porch or it will not be sitting snarling it will be coming for you and if that happens it doesn't matter what the government says, you will have to kill it.
I really don't think this is a very big deal at all anyhow, I am certain if you could afford the most cheap lawyer that you could say that you were scared for your life and only killed the ones acting "rabid" and it won't stick. And like I said before, that's IF you get caught. They're not endangered, they're not tagged or anything. Fucking kill them.
Dude do you have neighbors? If NOT, blow thier fuckin heads off. If you DO have neighbors buy a .17HMR and take them out anyway, it will be much quieter. For best results stick a potato on the end of your barrel. You'd have to do it somewhat up close to prevent any innacuracies from said potato.
And if you dont wanna do that you can get a bunch of D-CON rat killer and put it in rolled up balls of hamburger meat. That'll take them out. Its not like theyre going to do some CSI shit to find the cause of death for some random ass raccoons and if they die onyour property, take them inside and make hats out if them.
However you kill them, you could always run the body over in the street afterwards to make it look like an "accident".
>>1993409
>feed raccoons dressed as giant raccoon
>become raccoon king
This isn't hard
>>1993610
Furry pls leave
>>1993409
Is there any source of food open near your house?
>>1993409
my dad had this problem when I was growing up. he built a guillotine from a sharpened piece of sheet metal with like 40kg weight on top. he would put peanut butter and dog food inside and when they stuck their heads in a row of food access ports to get a nip he would activate the drop.
he could decapitate 3 at a time, silent, no pain. he drove down to the park and dumped the bodies in the creek
trashpandas
>>1993409
>poison
>>1993513
Nah, raccoons are the #1 rabies transmitter. Bats are #2, then skunks, then foxes.
Just be glad youre not in South Africa m8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-co7vpMXq_s
You're not allowed to hurt them either
>>1993893
lol epic meme
>>1993409
Pepper spray the fuckers
>>1993626
He didn't say anything about fucking them. Damn, can't have any fun anymore.
>>1994018
That's amazing. Not even mad.
>Obtain bludgeon
>Snarl and bark + ape sounds while you swing wildly and try to kill raccoons
>Raccoons begin to fear the crazy monkey and raid other peoples shit
>>1993409
Problem solved OP
>>1994018
>I'm just gonna step out for a second. You take care
You can get .22 caliber airguns that are nearly silent and hit almost as hard as a .22 firearm. Silent and deadly, like my uncle after burrito night. Or you can get those rubber tubing slingshots, which with a hit to the head will easily kill them. You can get both of these at places like Bass Pro Shop, Cabella's, or online.
>>1993557
I can confirm this method. I did this with my wife and it nobody suspected a thing.
>>1994018
>Baboons
That has to be the worst pest animal ever.
>Intelligent
>Thumbs
>large sharp teeth
>fast
>>1993409
Depends on what kind of person you are and what kind of temperment the raccoons are.
If the raccoons are pissy grumps, either carry a wacking stick (its about a 6 foot long walking stick that you can use to "bop" a coon who is being pissy, but not kill it.) If bopping a coon is too mean for you, then use it to push to away.
If you got shyster thieves, then just give em a spook every now and then. Clapping your hands saying "OOGA BOOGA BOOGA" making yourself look big etc.
If you don't mind them and they are pissy grumps, just make a shit ton of noise.
If you don't mind them, and they are shysters, just treat them with respect and equal distance. Make a line and if they cross it give em a spook. But past the line, give em a little bit of food and respect.
>>1994573
>give them a little bit of food
im sure that will help
>>1994564
And they're stronger than a human.
>>1994575
It probably would help. The wouldn't snarl at OP anymore. They would view OP as a friend and provider of tasty snacks. Respect would be earned and friends would be made.
>>1993466
This
>>1993409
Put out cups of antifreeze. It tastes sweet to small mammals and is highly poisonous to them. Problem solved.
