Long story short I was adopted, but my adoptive parents divorced shortly after I came into their lives. My mother got custody of me, and ever since then my adoptive dad has been an occasional presence in my life. As the years have passed and I've grown older, I've seen him less and less, to the point of only speaking to or seeing him a few times a year.
I miss him, and a part of me wants him in my life more, but I've gotten the idea that he doesn't want much to do with me. Apparently he wasn't fully on board with me being adopted in the first place, and the cost of alimony, etc has been a significant thorn in his side. He doesn't seem to have much respect for me, and shows signs of contempt for me in various snippets of our conversation. I haven't seen any members of his family in years, and share no relationship with any of them despite having the same last name. I get the impression that I'm not much more than an obligation to him, and that he agrees to see me only because he'd feel guilty of doing otherwise. Whenever it comes to expenses related to me (school, car, etc. To note I'm 23 now.), it always takes significant prompting from my mom for him to contribute anything, if anything at all. When I do actually get to visit/see him he is often quick to be with other people or do other things (like chores around the house) to the point that it's almost useless visiting him as he's too busy to actually spend time with me.
I don't want to live this role anymore. I'm tired of being nothing but an extension of my adoptive mother and a thorn in his side. Every time someone speaks my last name I'm reminded of him and the horrible relationship we share. He is not much of a father figure to me anymore.
I've long dwelt about abandoning him entirely, changing my last name and being done with it. Am I being too rash in my thinking? Should I put more effort into patching things up between the two of us, or is it time to move on?
>>17165034
>am i being too rash
just a wee bit. no need to change the name. you can just let it fade out. simply not putting effort into the relationship, letting it be what it is forced to be as opposed to forcing it to be something more.
I feel bad anon. im kinda the same way with my dad, but without the drama. my dad gets mad that i dont call him enough (roughly four times a year, but i talk to him at least once a month after talking to my mother). but in return he has literally never ever called me other than to get technical help with bittorrents.
recently hes decided he doesn't like my job or my boss cuz hes a 'scam artist' and refuses to listen to anything i have to say. i told him i got offered a position in his non profit they are setting up for when he dies, and ill be a key part of running it just like i am the current business, and my dad offered a 'thats nice'.
I saw him all last weekend and he literally never asked me anything other than
>whats wrong with your hair (nephew had been playing with it so it was funny)
>whats wrong with your eye (had a stye)
thats it. so im kidna like you where im just phasing him out.
perhaps you can make a last ditch effort and say you're sorry for what was thrust upon him. you wish you could undo it, but you can;t, nothing that ever happened was your choice. but if hes willing you'd like to hang out with him, at least as friends'.
see where that goes. maybe nowhere.
for me, im just letting it fade out. my dad simply doesn't appreciate me, which is unfortunate cuz im his most successful son.
fortunately for me my boss is a far better bather figure. and i dont mean in the 'HE JUST AGREES WITH EVERYTHING I SAY' method.
hes just a genuinely amazing boss and person and even if i dont like the advice he gives at first, i know hes wise enough that it does pan out. and it has.
hopefully oyu find someone like that.
fathers and sons are interesting business. i wonder if your real father thinks about you.
>>17165034
Have you talked to him about this? If not, you should try that first. If it doesn't (or didn't) help, I think you have every right to be done with him.
Changing the name sounds drastic, and you should only consider that if you really can't get over the awful relationship with your dad. Give that part some time at least, would be my advice.
God's speed, anon.
id keep your last name regardless.
to be honest anytime you hear your fake name it will sound weird, and you'll (in your mind) acknowledge that you had a name change adn still think about him.
last names are like tattoos. for good or for bad, you cant remove them, and they will ALWAYS remind you of something.
ultimately its a good reminder, even if its a bad thing. you'll be a better father.
>>17165034
>Long story short I was adopted, but my adoptive parents divorced shortly after I came into their lives. My mother got custody of me, and ever since then my adoptive dad has been an occasional presence in my life
There are two general ways someone can be your dad - biologically, as in he spunked your mom, or practically, as in he raised you.
Sorry to break it to you but you don't have a dad.
>>17165106
I gave it a shot in my later teen years, but he didn't seem very receptive and didn't remember half of what I said. I've tried conveying my opinions on other smaller occasions but he doesn't seem to pay attention to what I'm saying or take me seriously.
Maybe I'll try one more time, and make it clear what my intentions are.
>>17165085
Yah, it's rough as fuck. Frustrating. It's hard to believe how distant parents can be from their kids (when they grow up) but in the end not all of us can have perfect lives. Sorry your dad's a bit of an asshole, although it's good that you guys can still chat from time to time.
I don't think you're obligated to keep putting effort into having a relationship with your dad if he doesn't seem interested in reciprocating. It's okay to stop worrying about it and just get on with your life.
As far as your name, I'm in a kind of similar situation - I was also adopted and my adoptive father died when I was really young. His whole side of the family had nothing to do with me or my mom after that. So I'm changing my last name to my mother's maiden name and I'm looking forward to sharing a name with the people I actually consider my family. Choosing your name can be a powerful and freeing thing.
>>17165153
>although its good that you guys can still chat from time to time
if you consider
>whats wrong with your hair?
>whats wrong with your eye?
a conversation, but if you're playing the who has it worst game, id readily agree you do. im very grateful and happy for my boss to say the least.
