Recently I've come to the realization that I'm probably, by all definitions, just a plain awful person. In fact, I would say my faith in Jesus probably stemmed from the realization that literally, only God could forgive me.
I've vandalized people's houses, stores and restaurants, keyed people's cars, I've framed co-workers and gotten them fired, stolen several thousands worth in merchandise, straight up robbed people, threatened people with knives, slashed people's tires, pissed on people's front doors, I've killed people's pets, I've beaten people up.
And yet it all feels so insincere. I'd be completely and utterly lying if I said I didn't fantasize about murder every single day since I was about 7, when I first vividly remember plotting how to murder my father in his sleep with his favourite meat cleaver. I never did it, because his usefulness exceeded my hatred of him, but I still feel like I probably might end up stabbing him eventually. The best way to do it would be to poison him, than play the part of the gracious son, there to hold his hand while he dies, say a little prayer for him, there to deliver a touching eulogy at his funeral, there to collect what little wealth he had and use it for something useful, which he never did.
I keep hearing some statistic that men think about sex 7 times a day or something like that. Sometimes I feel like I think about murder in the same way. I've had sexual relationships before of course, and it's nice. It's also socially acceptable, while sadly murder isn't.
The truth is, the only person I really feel connected to is Jesus. I feel like I have to pretend to like other people all the time. You have to if you wish to maintain any semblance of a functional life.
I really don't want to be like this. I want to be a nice person. I'd love to be the kind of guy who gives to charities, helps people and makes people genuinely glad to see me. But the truth is I'm not.
Basically, how do I become a good person?
>>17163410
If you want to change- religion is not the answer.
Admitting that you've done terrible things is the first step.
The next is working to change your behavior to become who you want to be. This will take years of hard work.
You've learned that violence gets you what you want- it's going to be hard to change.
>>17163423
The Bible and other Christians is the only thing that really speaks to me anymore. I'm very much convinced Satan has taken hold of much of this world and we are heading towards the days of Revelation, simply judging from the patterns of society today. I would not be surprised to see another great flood or ice age God uses to wipe the slate clean if now is not the time for Jesus to arrive.
I really want to be a good person. I know I'm a sinner and I know I've done terrible things, I know I've directly disobeyed the ten commandments. I feel like doing charity work through a church or something might make me feel happier. Whenever I close my eyes and dream, I always see myself as a head of state or political figure in my country guiding people with the word of Jesus. All the politicians I admire are devout Christians. Sometimes I think that's what god has planned for me.
I don't blame others for my wrongdoings. I wasn't raised in a very good household, if you can believe it my brother is arguably much, much worse a person than I am. He's possibly also actually killed people. The big difference between him and I is he has no remorse and he doesn't not strive to correct his wrongdoings. I want to be a leader of people, I always see myself delivering speeches to people and issuing commands. I don't want to be some loser who commits crimes and goes against God.
But I feel like I just have this rage, this darkness inside of me. There's something nasty inside me, some part of me that hates other people. I don't want that part of me, I want to excise it and remove it like a tumor. I know no person is perfect and all men are sinners in the eyes of God.
I just want to leave this world knowing I did something good for mankind.
>>17163410
Join the military. They can always use a good sociopath that can pass for normal.
>>17163481
To be honest I have always wanted to serve my country.
>>17163410
You have antisocial personality disorder either seek psychiatric help, spiritual help or go into the military where they will set your shit straight real quick.
<green text
>>17163410
2edgy4me
Watch out guys! We've got an edgelord on our hands. Best not upset him or he could think about murdering us just like in his animes when people are mean to him!
>>17163594
maybe if you'd read the post you'd realize the whole point is I don't want to be a cunt anymore.
Everybody likes the part of the story where Jesus says "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
But they usually stop before they get to the part where He says, "Now go and sin no more."
If any of this is genuine, you need psychiatric help if you want to change.
There are likely several factors leading to your current behavior. You sound in many ways like a victim of violent abuse.
>>17163410
You have antisocial personality disorder and probably had conduct disorder before age 18.
Join CIA SAD and basically do all the bad shit you've done, except to foreigners and on a fat payroll.
>>17164661
> Everybody likes the part of the story where Jesus says "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
But they usually forget that "he who is without sin" is Jesus.
