Failed suicide
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You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
It's the first time in over five years that I've attempted a suicide. Ive lost a lot of people and have gone through the grief myself, which is why I thought my wandering thoughts of suicide wouldn't ever amount to another attempt. I know that I have abandonment issues and paranoia, but part of me honestly believe that everyone I know either wants to leave me alone and doesn't because of pity, or they only care about me because of pity.
I don't talk about my desire to die because I'm worried someone I know will stop me from being able to succeed if I were able to go through with it.
Tonight, the house was quiet and my friends had allibies and I was alone. I wrote a brief letter accessable on my phone, put on my favorite dress and tried to hang myself with a thick belt wedged in my bedroom door frame.
The belt broke. I don't even know how. It's relatively new and sturdy, and I ate shit shortly before reaching unconsciousness.
I can't even kill myself whenever I have the guts to. And now that I've hit the floor (and chair I guess) I was waiting for the overwhelming feeling of "I didn't want to die" or "Maybe this is a sign". But it didn't come. All I heard was "Try harder".
I've been trying so hard to be happy. I've struggled through countless failed relationships in my family, friends and lovers. I've tried to build self esteem by continuing a career that I am good at and love doing but at the end of the day all I can think about is how to make it all end.
I looked at mental hospitals, and in my town they are all run with religious practices and some even still recommended electroshock therapy. I am too broke to afford any real help and refuse medication because of the responses I had on them before.
People will be coming home soon wondering why I am all done up and why my voice sounds weird and I can't even look them in the face and tell them why.
I just want to die. I can't even do that right.
I wish I knew what to tell you. I don't know you but I know I don't want you to die. I feel like I've failed alot with other people but for the few who stick with me, I have to keep going. It's hard when you've got a voice in the back of your head constantly repeating all of your fears and doubts. Please keep going, OP.
>>17162975
You've probably heard this whole thing about how you only have one life, blah blah. Well, there is only one life that's in your possession. If you can't figure out how to make it work and use it to make yourself happy, no need to let it go to waste. If you can't make yourself happy, there are plenty of people who need help and happiness. Make someone else happy before you go. Donate, help out, do some charity, something. Let someone else get some use out of that life you're about to snuff out because they need more than what they have.
If you're gonna go then you have nothing to lose, so why not?
>>17162975
i know how you feel. i'm going through something similar.
empathy is funny. even though i don't know you, i don't want you to kill yourself--even though i really want to die.
I don't really know what is exactly your situation, but what prevented me from putting my speeding car in front of a 18 wheeler a year ago is the thought that my parents were waiting for me at home and I couldn't do this to them.
After that it went better. I cut off some toxic people from my life, started to enjoy my old hobbies again, met new people... Fallout 4 was released and seriously I spent countless hours roaming the Commonwealth, it has some therapeutic effect on me I guess.
Also, I'm moving out in the summer. The idea of starting everything over, leaving bad stuff (and people) behind and the whole new world that opens before me gets me thrilled.
I don't know if these could help you out. I hope it did in some way. Stay safe anon(ette)
>>17163278
>but what prevented me from putting my speeding car in front of a 18 wheeler
What should have stopped you is the fact that you could have hurt or killed the driver of the 18 wheeler you selfish fuck. Now go take a razor to your wrist.
>>17163283
That guy in his truck? I'm driving a Hyundai Accent. The dude would've been home the next morning with his family and had a weird story to tell to family members at parties.
And I really didn't give a fuck about him or anyone else at this time, except for my parents.
Looking back, I'm happy I didn't do it because I now I have a stable and happy life and nobody got hurt because of me.
I've been in a similar situation and I know how you feel but it's kind of tough giving really good advice on this without knowing more about your situation and why you feel the way you do.
That said however, you really should look into going to a mental hospital or at least seeing a psychiatrist and trying different medications since they really could help. You should also consider going to group therapies or seeing a therapist as well, it can really help to talk to other people who can understand what you are going through and see what kind of advice they can give as well.
>>17163295
>The dude would've been home the next morning with his family and had a weird story to tell to family members at parties.
Because it's not traumatizing to know you're involved in someone's suicide and witness their death. Because you're 100% certain he wouldn't have swerved to avoid you and may have injured or killed himself?
Your problems haven't gone away. They're still there. Don't fool yourself into thinking your life is truly happy and that you're not still hurting people.
>>17163349
Don't worry, I still got problems. But now I know how to deal with them, so I don't go back to that low point.
Everybody got home safe that night and nobody'll go home injured because of me in the future. I learned.
Now I hope my experience can help OP in some way or another.
>>17163189
I'll do that. You're right. Thank you.
>>17163247
It's weird. I came on here expecting to maybe get some advice on how to kill myself better, or some cruel joke from fags about how they wished I was dead. I don't know you, but when I read this I teared up. We're complete strangers, but that was really nice of you to say. Thank you for not being mean about it.
>>17163409
Think people in /adv/ tend to be more of the kind that actually want to help others unlike some other boards (like /b/)
>>17163278
OP here. I know what you mean, about driving your Hyundai into a semi. I can't even drive with my condition and I still think about stealing a car and doing the same thing. I'm glad you thought of your parents.
I don't really have supportive family. I don't have parents to come home to. When I stood there about to kick my chair I thought about all the people I failed at loving. When my belt snapped I felt like I just failed one more time.
Ive thought about grief and loss acceptance because ive been through it. I figure that at least I can rid someone of their obligations to befriend or console me, and if there's anyone left to say they were my friend, at least they'll know how much I meant to them after all.
I don't have the courage to find out and still be alive afterwards.
>>17163414
Get a pet, a dog is more affectionate although I prefer cats. They will love you unconditionally and if this isn't strong enough to hold you back to life, maybe the guilt of leaving it alone behind will do it?
>>17163414
Know exactly how you feel, but people don't generally become or stay with friends because they pity you or feel obligated to.
People become/stay friends with you because they want to enjoy your companionship, not the relief of your absence.
If they really thought you were a burden or anything like that then they would generally just stop bothering to be your friend.
>>17163321
I can't really seek mental health in the south. It's a joke. It's all "god heals everything" except for when you're an atheist. And I tried medication when I as diagnosed eight years ago, it just made my symptoms worse and less manageable. I won't do it again. I would love to find a therapist, but I'm broke as shit and I can't even afford rent and dog food (yeah, I have two dogs). So my options naturally lead me here. I guess.
>>17163444
Its unfortunate about the poor quality of the mental health system down there, but you shouldn't give up on medications too easily, there a ton of different ones to try and just maybe one of them will help.
Isn't there any kind of insurance support you could get to help pay for a therapist at all though?
If not then you could try to find different support groups to go to, idk about down there but I know where I live there are some that are free to go to (like NAMI)
>>17162975
OP here, again.
A few of you have mentioned not knowing much about my trials. I could tell a long tale of my woes, but suffice it to say it's justified. I've faced a lot of things that every person struggles with, and a few that only unlucky ones do: mental and physical abuse, homelessness (for a good part of it) anxiety, depression, sexual assault, kidnapping. The latter of the two happened after two of my close friends had died of suicide, which actually caused me so much trauma that I started experiencing (diagnosed) symptoms of schizophrenia. It was hard to manage at first, but for the last five years it's been liveable without treatment. In the last couple months, I'd say my memories and delusions have started to blur together. It makes me feel less like a human being and more like a plant that needs watered.
Most of my delusions now have been my dead friends convincing me to see them again. Or telling me I should die. How do I ignore that? (Rhetorical question)
My two best relationships are failures. A girl I met when I was nine, who I can easily say is my favorite person. We dated a while but it ended (mutually, pretty well). I consider her to be one of my best friends, but whenever we are together now I can literally taste her resentment and sense of obligation. I want to rid her of it but I also am selfish and don't want her to go.
My other is a man I've loved for years, and it's always been unreciprocated. I've long given up on pursuit, because we live in different worlds and want different things. It wouldn't end well, and our friendship matters more to both of us. The thing is, my heart won't move on as fast as my head does. I don't even want a relationship with him, I just want to stop loving everything he does because it's torture.
Life. Life is a joke. At least I'm laughing.
>>17163459
I'll check out support groups. I hadn't even thought about it for some reason.
I've tried a lot of meds. It's just not for me. I'd much rather deal with them without any sort of drug involved. I feel like they make me less clear-headed and more... docile?
