So I'm in this friendship that just keeps getting progressively more aggravating, and I don't know whether to call it quits or tough it out.
We met when we were younger, and we got along pretty well then. We were both awkward and had similar interests, so we had a lot to talk about and could relate to one another easily. Now, about five years later, things are different; I've changed and they haven't. I've gone on to college, gotten myself a good group of close friends, a job, reasonable goals and aspirations, and they're just kind of....not doing anything.
They're over twenty, yet they have no driver's license or learner's permit, so it always falls on me to drive us literally anywhere we need to go. They've lost more than one job, and despite currently having no job, continue to spend nearly every penny on their hobbies and not saving a single cent for emergencies. They have made me feel bad about my being in a better financial situation than them, despite this being out of my control.
They're awkward as hell and insanely embarrassing to be around and introduce to my other friends. Their behavior is so flamboyant and theatrical, and they way they dress is so outlandish that I don't like being seen in public with them. When we were younger, it wasn't a big deal, but I grew out of my crazy clothes in public stage, and they didn't. While I always found their behavior odd, I've only recently started feeling like I'm babysitting them rather than hanging out with a friend.
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At this point, I honestly think we're only friends because we share an interest in a very specific hobby and live in an area where said hobby is uncommon. Our morals don't really align well, and while it hasn't happened in a while, they've stated that they were "worried about me" because I wasn't Christian, and had the gall to speak for my partner (who used to have more Christian-aligned morals, but has not for several years) on the matter as well, despite not actually knowing my partner that well at the time.
None of this would honestly be a problem or even be up for debate if it weren't for one simple thing:
I'm their only real-life friend.
They've brought it up on numerous occasions that they're kind of the "throwaway" friend, and that they've lost nearly all of their other friends because they "grow bored" of them. More than once they've stated that they expect me to leave them as well, which makes me feel like absolute shit for even thinking about dropping them.
They've talked to me about how they've gone through times of depression where they had suicidal thoughts, and I'm afraid that if I attempt to end the friendship, they'll wind up offing themselves. I feel obligated to remain friends with them, despite the fact that I don't enjoy their company anymore. It shouldn't be such a big deal considering that I don't see them very often (we live a few hours apart), but every time I do, I just get less and less patient with them.
TLDR; My friend is awkward, embarrassing, and annoying as fuck but I feel guilted into staying friends with them because I don't want them to kill themselves.
The fuck. You're being emotionally blackmailed by this toxic shitbag. But you already know that.
Do what you have to do. Just gradually stop seeing this person. Don't have a breakup moment. Toxic people like this thrive on confrontation. Just be busy and unavailable to hang out. Wait a couple weeks and remove them from social media. They'll probably take the hint.
If they text you trying to tell you some shit about offing themselves know that A) they probably won't do it and B) if they do it, it's not because of you not being friends with them, it's because all of their other problems that are NOT your responsibility to fix. This person isn't family, they're a friend that's not been a good friend to you. You don't have to have this cancer in your life and in no way is it your responsibility to fix this scumfuck.
Just keep your boundaries firm (you don't want this person in your life anymore because they are toxic) and if they get in your face state that they're a toxic influence in your life at the moment and that you're worried about them and really think they should get counseling. If this person harasses you with suicide attention pleas or you really think they're going to commit suicide then call the police and they'll be placed under involuntary psychiatric hold. That'll be the start to them getting the help they need.
That's all very fucking extreme though and I doubt it'll come to that. Most likely this person is just a dirtbag who isn't above using their own depression to manipulate other people.
>>17153282
My additional concern about dropping them is that I'm not entirely certain they're doing any of this on purpose.
They're honestly a really nice and sweet person when they aren't doing anything I listed above. They're really giving and kind, and I even used to tell people they were the sweetest person I knew.
I don't think they'd ever argue or fight me about me trying to leave the friendship either. They'd just quietly let it happen and probably mumble something about how they knew this was going to happen under their breath.
I guess one plus is that neither of us really have social media, so that's one less thing to cut off from them.
Last I heard, they're actually getting help from a therapist, though I don't know how long this has been going on, so I can't say if it's improved their behavior or not.
I would just slowly and gently start being more honest with them.
I actually had to do this with my boyfriend because any time we got into even minor fights he would pull the 'you can leave me if that's what you need to do' card, and I would feel like shit and start reassuring him instead of getting the reassurance we both needed.
So finally one time when he started that, I turned it back around on him and asked if that's what HE wanted. He of course said no, so I then asked why he was bringing it up at all then.
It led into a further talk and low and behold he was able to see his own insecurities and face them.
It wasn't easy, and he wanted to blame something else, but I tried not to accuse, and simply make him see that, to me, it sounded like he WANTED to end it from his behavior and tone.
>>17153360
Having a similar issue, except it's my gf doing it.
Most people are suggesting I leave her.
Maybe you should think the same
>>17153282
First response and I don't even need to read the rest of this thread. This anon is 100% right
Thanks for the advice, guys. I think I'm going to gradually start communicating with them less (which honestly won't be hard since we only talk via Skype) and see where it goes from there.
I just feel so bad for wanting to end the friendship. Aside from the reasons I already mentioned, I don't think they're all there in the head, and I think their parents prepared them very little for the real world (and this coming from someone whose parents didn't teach them jack shit about being an adult).
I feel like I'm the only person they have because they have a shit relationship with their mother, though their father is more kind and understanding. I've thought about contacting their father secretly and asking him if there's anything I should know about their mental state that would help be better understand them or be more patient with them because I honestly just feel awful thinking about cutting ties with them.
I'd love to hear more opinions on this if anyone has them.
