How do you get a boyfriend when you're gay? Casual sex is easier than I'd even care for, but it seems like making a guy stick around for a first dare is next to impossible.
How do you get someone to want a relationship with you?
>>17146178
In the straight world there are those of both sexes who go to bars and pick someone up for a one night stand, and there are people who look for more meaningful ongoing romantic relationships.
And here's the point - they are generally not the same people. The casual sexers all hang out in certain places and the serious romancers are all somewhere else.
If as a gay man you do all your cruising among casual sexers, then casual sexers are all that you're going to meet. The trick is to figure out where the other sort of gay guys are. They ARE out there, but someplace else from where you've been looking.
>>17146538
Like where?
I don't have any of this "gaydar" thing, I have literally absolutely no natural instinct on who's gay or not. As a matter of fact I am the worst person at detecting LGBT people that I know. I'm 100% wrong, every time.
I can't just hit on the cute cashier at the grocery store, I'll get my teeth punched in.
>>17146565
Have you tried gay dating sites?
>>17146570
Are there any that young people use? Okcupid is full of 30/40-something genderqueer polyamorist pansexuals looking for friends. I'm 22 and want a boyfriend, someone close to my mental and physical age.
>>17146178
Why are you letting someone dick punch you in the ass before the first date? You're finding someone who wants casual sex and you expect them to want more?
If you're busy being a slut, you also can't think that anyone is going to think of you as any sort of decent relationship material.
>>17146570
I'd probably go with this (online dating and then take it very very slow) or get your friends to introduce you to their other gay friends who are looking for a serious relationship.
>>17146178
>>17146594
How else are you supposed to get a guy's attention? Where else are you supposed to look?
I don't have any friends who have male friends. Not even straight ones. All my friends are straight girls who don't have any other friends.
>>17146612
I don't know. I'm not gay. But I assume it works the same way that hetero couples work: you go on some dates, see if you like each other and are actually interested in a relationship or are just looking for quickie sex. The gay guys I know who are in long term relationships are normal dudes with the exception that they're neater than most hetero guys. And the liking penis part too I guess.
You don't necessarily have to date a long time before sex or deciding that someone is the person you want to be in a relationship with, but if you're dealing with a population that is habitually dishonest to get laid, it might be better to wait to see if your impression of who someone is actually holds up.
>>17146720
How do I get a date???????
How do I get someone to agree to go out with me?
How do I get a text back?
How do I make someone interested in a relationship with me?
I hate sex but I'm willing to put out if I think it'll make him stay. It usually doesn't.
>>17146726
I'm actually texting/calling people now to ask.
So. The couple that I know who've been together the longest are now in their late 50's and got together late 20's. They met at a party that mutual friends were throwing, hit it off, went on a couple dates and that was that. Neither had had many sexual partners or were into promiscuity before they met.
More relevant maybe... Friend met his boyfriend at a gay bar, the boyfriend told him up front that he didn't want casual sex, my friend said that's fine he was looking for something serious, they exchanged numbers, spent maybe a month hanging out together (not having sex) until they finally decided they wanted to be a couple. They've been together about a year, my buddy wasn't sure they'd make it because his bf is still in the closet with a lot of people.
>How do I get a date???????
Ask someone out. Probably a good idea to make it clear you're asking them out to get to know them for a relationship and no ass jamming will be happening until after you get to know them.
>How do I get someone to agree to go out with me?
>How do I get a text back?
>How do I make someone interested in a relationship with me?
You don't. The other person has to decide this on their own. If they decide they're not interested in you, that's fine. Go find someone else.
>I hate sex but I'm willing to put out if I think it'll make him stay. It usually doesn't.
This is very sad, both on the level of hating sex and having sex anyway as a bargaining tool.
Why do you hate sex? Does it not feel physically good to you?
Sex with someone, in my opinion, is most fulfilling as a mutual expression of affection and bonding. Otherwise it just feels like either using or be used for masturbation.
>>17146798
>Ask someone out
Do I just assume some cute stranger walking down the street is gay and hope I won't get my teeth punched in?
I have no idea why I hate sex. 4chan says it's stress but I literally have no sources of stress in my life. It's just boring and I hate doing boring things for people for nothing in return. I don't know any other ways to buy someone's attention.
>>17146178
My gay brother tells me the newest relationship tend in the gay community are open relationships. Gays are now starting to do away with the pretense of monogamy altogether.
Sorry bro.
>>17146816
I'm curious, how have you managed to meet the gay guys you've had sex with? Did they just ask you to fuck while you were walking down the street?
I think you can try dating sites, but if you're not in a big city I don't know how much luck you're going to have. Maybe try LGBT events or meetings, and maybe try getting a wider circle of friends.
I think it's odd that "4chan" would say you don't enjoy sex because of stress. Again, is sex simply not pleasurable? Are you unable to masturbate to orgasm?
>>17146900
Gay bars or grindr. I've tried OkCupid but the difference to the former two is that I don't use it with alcohol - progressively getting drunk enough to find someone who'll do.
I don't know how to expand my circles, my friends are a pretty tight-knit group that doesn't really have outside friends.
I've made a thread about having problems with sex before, and since I've never been raped, it's probably that. The thought of someone wanting to fuck me just makes me very, very sad.
I don't masturbate at all.
>>17146915
>I don't know how to expand my circles
Yeah, you seem like someone who habitually and deliberately acts helpless. That's a very unattractive quality in a person.
The question wasn't if you masturbate as a practice, it's whether or not you're capable of masturbating to orgasm.
I think it doesn't much matter though. You may be able to find someone else who isn't interested in sex, but sex is a pretty common and beneficial activity for maintaining a relationship. I think it's pretty clear that you're going to cause people to very quickly become disinterested in sex with you, and unfortunately I think I'm starting to understand why you think you don't have anything to offer other than sex.
>>17146998
I'm sorry if I sound deliberately helpless, but social interaction really is different where I'm from. Talking to strangers without a good reason is regarded as rude, weird and creepy, and I am mildly autistic. This isn't America, I couldn't just walk up to a stranger and chat about the weather and be instantly friends, even if I had the social skills. When I say I don't know how, I truly, genuinely mean it.
I don't think I've ever had an orgasm.
I would have other things to offer. It's just that nobody wants any of it. Providing the opportunity to do their bodily functions at me is more interesting than any expression of love or affection I can do.
>>17146178
hey op, i don't have any advice but i have question. how common are homosexuals?
>>17147021
Like 1-5% of the population I guess.
>>17147036
really? that seems high, but how about in your daily life, your work, or out of the people you know, how many of them are gay? i've personally only known 4 in my entire life and i live in a extremely large and progressive city,
>>17146178
I met a guy in Okcupid and we dated. We didn't fell in love with each other but he introduced me to his friends and I had my first gay friends. I met my boyfriend by meeting friends of friends of that friend I met in Okcupid.
So I would say making gay friends is the easiest way. They will help you a lot.
>>17147057
How do I get that first date without having to put out?
>>17147075
Date is not sex. If you really feel you have to, make it clear that you want to get to know each other, and not head back for a swing.
>>17147075
Can't tell if troll or just really stupid.
>>17147095
I was about to ask how else I could keep him interested, but the more I think about it the more I realise I really don't have anything else to offer.
What other things DO people want out of a relationship?
>>17147108
>What other things DO people want out of a relationship?
well I heard there are some people who like companionship, mutual validation and acceptance, mutual trust and understanding, and emotional reciprocity. those things are just as important as things like sex and mutual interest. they are what keeps the relationship going.
if you think you would have problems bringing those things to the table in a relationship, you should work on practising them with yourself.
but just for starters, if you can laugh with the person and have comfortable silences with them, you should have no problem keeping them around for a date or three before sleeping with them. basically if you say "I'd like to take it a bit slow and not go all the way on the first date" and they're not cool with that, don't take it personally, just drop them and move on. eventually you will find someone who is cool with it, and I promise you, you will. it may take some time or it may happen sooner than you think. you are not the only one who is tired of the hookup scene.
>>17147178
>companionship, mutual validation and acceptance, mutual trust and understanding, and emotional reciprocity.
That's 100% what I'd want in a relationship, and I have no problem offering that, I just can't picture anyone actually wanting them from me.
How do I feel comfortable around someone who wants to fuck me? Those really do feel mutually exclusive.
>>17147204
>How do I feel comfortable around someone who wants to fuck me? Those really do feel mutually exclusive.
you would think so, but there are a fair number of people who may want to fuck you but are okay with respecting your wishes. maybe you have trouble believing that anybody would respect your boundaries. that is something that is really only fixed by having healthy positive experiences with people, and giving more weight to them than to the negative experiences (which again isn't easy but can be done with conscious effort and practice).
while doing this, you should also be very careful about respecting the other person's boundaries. I'm not saying you do or don't have boundary problems, I'm just mentioning it because a lot of people on the autism spectrum do have such problems and genuinely don't realise they're herpderping all over other people's boundaries.
again, any time you put yourself out there, there is the risk of meeting someone who doesn't respect you. but if you don't put yourself out there, you won't get any of the positive experiences that are essential to getting the kind of relationship you want.
>>17147347
What if I'm ugly?
How do I find someone who's gay, not repulsive, and still bothers to have patience with my bullshit indefinitely?
>>17146178
My experience has been that you fuck first, find out there is some mutual attraction/interest, fuck again, be fuckbuddies for a while, suddenly be in a relationship.
First bf I met at a local furry meet. Become furry OP, lots of as-autist-as-you people there to bond with
>>17147381
So there's still no choice but to buy their affection with sex?
How do I make sure they stay? I can't handle being fucked for free without crying, and it's really hard to hide.
>>17147365
>what if I'm ugly?
so what if you are? it didn't stop me. being fat didn't stop me either. it slowed me down, but it didn't stop me. it won't stop you either. you can acknowledge that it will slow you down and yet at the same time not let it stop you.
granted it will take you more time since there are fewer gay people than straight people. granted if you live in a place where being openly gay is dangerous, that's going to cause problems. (I combed the thread but couldn't see if you mentioned where you were from, I saw where you said you're not in the US)
what if you made plans to move to a more gay-friendly country? that would probably ease your day-to-day stress overall, and make it easier to date too. while you're researching that, keep a lookout for gay-friendly companies in your field. maybe you can meet someone through work (though I don't recommend dating people you work with directly).
if that's not an option, have you investigated the local arts or theater scene? granted a lot of artists are sluts already, but not all. and the whole cliche of "fine arts/performing arts are full of gays" became a cliche because it's true.
the point is, find places where gay people are more likely to a) congregate and b) feel comfortable being themselves, personality-wise and orientation-wise.
>>17147381
>Become furry OP
now let's not go overboard here. OP has enough problems.
>>17147391
that's that person's experience though. it is a common way of doing it, but it is not everybody's experience. if it doesn't work for you, you don't have to do it that way. there are other people for whom it doesn't work either. there might not be tons of them, but they're out there, and they'd probably be glad as fuck to meet you.
anyway you gotta just continue putting yourself out there til you find someone suitable. there's no shortcut to it unfortunately.
>>17147102
idk man. sometimes people can be fairly intelligent but have huge psychological blocks and blind spots. the person isn't stupid, but part of their brain is. I should know, I have tons of these. if OP is actually autistic, he probably has a bunch of them too, since autistic people tend to have more rigid, literal thinking. I had to have a lot of really retardedly obvious shit spelled out to me, over and over, by multiple people before some of the realities of dealing with other human beings (vs. dealing with objects or systems) sank in. I was well into my 20s before I started catching up. I got straight As in school, tested high on achievement tests, was constantly told I was smart etc. I know I'm smart overall, I just rolled a fucking 1 in people smarts. so I have no trouble believing OP could be the same way.
tldr you're kinda right but kinda not
>>17147410
I live in a very gay-friendly country, but that doesn't mean straight men take it well when they're mistaken for gay. I've never experienced violence because of it but I'm not that kind of a risk-taker. I could say this part of Europe is MORE gay-friendly than most of the US.
I don't have a "field" because I have literally no education. I'm just too stupid to learn things that I have no interest in, and I can't think of a single financially profitable thing I'd have an interest in.
The only arts scene I can think of was the high school youth theatre, and they had their own clique and they fucking hated my guts.
How do I find artsy adult people in their 20s who are OK with the fact that I didn't go to university?
My town has 29 000 people in it and I don't have the resources to move away. I couldn't handle being unemployed for long chunks of time like people do in big cities.
>>17147434
Would it be stupid of me to ask what I'm missing now?
>>17147436
ok my apologies, I seem to have misread or missed some posts when reading the thread.
look. I can relate to some of what you say. I'm not gay, but stuff like this part:
>I'm just too stupid to learn things that I have no interest in, and I can't think of a single financially profitable thing I'd have an interest in.
I used to have the brainpower to learn stuff I wasn't interested in - just barely. but since I turned 35 or so I started slowing down and couldn't power through it anymore. and I can relate to the financially profitable part. I can sorta do STEM stuff but it doesn't interest me. I'd rather be an artist, but art makes no money unless you're very good (or good at bullshitting) and extremely lucky. the most marketable interest I have is architecture, and that has one of the highest unemployment rates of any major.
fortunately/unfortunately, I ended up on disability pay because of other health issues. so I have the luxury of having a few extra years to get my shit together.
I don't have any easy answers for you. I can tell you that there are likely to be opportunities that you're either not seeing, or you're turning up your nose at. and maybe there aren't any opportunities right now, and all you can do is keep your eyes open. you sound like you have a lot more going on than no bf.
>>17147436
>How do I find artsy adult people in their 20s who are OK with the fact that I didn't go to university?
you sound like you've met a lot of judgmental jerks in your life. I say that because through this whole thread you've spoken as though you think absolutely everybody is going to be a judgmental jerk about absolutely everything. some people are judgmental jerks. some are not. as for you, I don't think you're a jerk, but you do sound pretty judgmental. you would do well to start reminding yourself that not everybody is as judgmental as you.
>>17147470
Sorry. Another blind spot.
How am I being judgemental?
>>17147463
no, it wouldn't be stupid. but I have been up for about 18 hours on 2 hours' sleep and I am not sure I can help you more right now. all I can think of to say is, try to learn to see your obstacles from as many perspectives as possible. commit yourself to trying to find ways around them one at a time. don't look at the whole big tangled knot of problems, just pick one section and work on that. can't meet artsy people in person because town is too small? join an online community. if you can't find a good solution to a problem, then pick the least shitty solution and move on to the next thing.
just remember that nothing in life is final. how things are now are not how they will always be. don't argue with it, just believe it. you're like me, we both come up with arguments as to why our lives are the way they are so we don't have to do things we don't want to. I'm working on fixing that. you should be, too.
>>17147475
you take your past experiences and apply them to people you haven't met yet and situations that haven't happened yet. everybody does this up to a point, it's natural and it's how we learn. that's fine. but you do it to a point where it paralyses you. you're at a standstill right now and nobody can help you even if they want to, because you're trapping yourself.
the more I try to explain it, the more tangled up I get. am too tired. idk if I helped you or confused you, but I wish you all the best OP. I honestly do, I want you to love yourself and find someone who loves you too. but I am falling asleep at my desk. good night and good luck dear OP.
>>17147503
I understand what you mean but I don't understand how to apply it without getting myself hurt, ruined or driven to suicide in the process.
Goodnight.
>>17146601
that is beautiful
it's like honest catfishing
