What do you do when you're almost 27 and you've had extremely repressed suicidal tendencies for over 15 years, and then something happens and you feel like you can't repress them anymore and can't talk to anyone about what happened because you're ashamed and disgusted with yourself?
I feel like I can't talk to my closest friends about it because they'll be disgusted as well and I'll lose their respect and lose them.
I can't afford professional help... Do I just kill myself?
Bikes have been my only solace from suicidal depression and I was actually doing pretty ok that like until recently, but now I just can't stop thinking about riding full speed into something solid.
Talk to us
>>17137385
Last weekend I hooked up with a girl for the first time in 4 years. We were both pretty drunk and she came onto me seemingly out of the blue (I found out later that she apparently had a crush on me for a while, but I never noticed because I was completely shut off after my last girlfriend). So we had both been drinking.. I don't even know how much she had but after she kissed me, I started drowning myself in it.
Everything is pretty hazy, but I know I went to bed alone. And I know she came into my room and started trying to have sex with me, but I couldn't get it up so we both just passed out.
The next thing I remember, We were having sex. I don't even remember how it started, but I kinda just rolled with it because I didn't know what else to do, and she really seemed to be enjoying it.
That was Friday night, and she stayed with me all Saturday and slept in my bed again, but nothing happened that time. I was so excited at the prospect of a real relationship for the first time in so long, because it's not like she just left the next day.
Now it turns out she doesn't remember how it started either, and, in her words she just remembers crying about her ex and then 'woke up with me fucking her'.
There was no conscious point for me during it that she seemed even remotely asleep, and she definitely seemed into it, but fuck I don't know what might have happened in a drunk blackout before my brain woke up.
Now, even though she didn't say it in such a word, I feel like a rapist, which I've always considered the most scum thing in the world to be.
I don't even remember what happened, but even if what she's saying isn't true, how am I meant to get past my first sexual experience in 4 years after being completely repressed and shut off I've basically been accused of rape.
>suicidal for 15 years
>still too pussy to do it
Git out.
>>17137568
>still too pussy to do it
Fuck off. Suicide is the weak, coward option.
>Still strong enough not to do it.
>So far
>>17137379
stop raping girls and pray
>>17137727
That's all the advice I get? Pray? It's not like it's something I would do again, if anything it's only repressed my sex drive even further, I can't even bring myself to masturbate anymore which I was basically addicted to as my only release for 4 years before this.
I really need help. Is there any way I can seek professional help without ending up broke? And even professionals under confidentiality have to report crimes to the police right? Would even seeking it just end up blowing the whole thing up and getting me put in jail?
>>17137984
did she flat out say you raped her? if not you're just making assumptions and getting upset over nothing.
>>17137633
Good for you, man. Keep it that way.
>>17137727
>stop raping girls
go sew your cunt shut.
>>17137990
She didn't, but it's pretty strongly implied when she says she woke up to me fucking her. Based on that even if she didn't actually say it, that's what it feels like, and I can't stop feeling disgusted with myself even if that's not the way she sees it.
Tell her you need to talk. Manipulate her by saying that you always liked her but you would never harm her. Go to a desert place and start hitting her till she bleeds while you scream "if you tell anyone that I raped you I'll fucking kill you, you hear me?".
That always work.
Do you have illuminatis chasing you for past 25 years to kill ya?
Do you have crazy stalkers illuminatis bullying ya?
Do you have to put up with crazy people illuminatis who break into your home and rape ya even if the australian gov support them?
Do you have your family and friends killed by illuminatis?
Do you have all your friends recruited by illuminatis "they get good life, $ and sex" ?
>>17138017
>>17138127
Yeah thanks but I'm looking for /adv/ not /b/
>>17137990
So should I just like pretend the whole thing never happened unless she escalates it? That seems like the kind of thing a rapist would do. I don't know if I can just forget about it, I feel really fucked up and sick about it. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do.
