Posted this yesterday, didn't really get anything in terms of advice so posting again
Ever since my last breakup all I've wanted to go out and live life to it's fullest. But no matter how hard I try I can't put myself out there.
I was in a relationship for almost the entirety of my first year of college. The entire time I couldn't help but feel I was missing out on life. Once we broke up all I wanted to do is meet new people, go to parties, try new thing. Just live and have fun.
However being in a relationship basically locked me up socially (she was honestly crazy), I realized I've made like 2 new friends since school started and I just.... didn't know how to make more. All the people in my life just kinda came into it naturally. Sure I could just keep doing that, but I'm so damn tired of just sitting around waiting for things to happen.
I get so nervous around new people, especially women. I can't even bring myself to approach them. I instantly assume everyone around me thinks they're too good for me, because I can just feel it in the air (as stupid as that sounds).
Whats going on with me, it seems to come to easily to everyone else, it can't be normal
>>17129819
I could've written this myself. Bump for interest.
>>17129819
living life to the fullest isn't really about meeting people so much as doing things. the people you meet will be people at the things you do. think about what you actually want to / can do, and then go where you need to go. make an actual schedule for it cuz if you dont you'll jsut sit around at home. people think that getting out of a relationship will teleport them to a bar full of hot chicks, but it doesn't work that way.
you are in college, so if meeting people is important
>talk to everyone in your class
>sign up for every club that is vaguely interesting
>go to any and all local events even if they just barely hold your interest
>then talk to the people there
the secret to meeting people is to meet them. gonna post more advice. it works for approaching women but also just friends.
>>17129900
advice
>dont just hit on a woman
its no secret that women are the ones who are approached, and they make decisions on which men to keep in their lives. that being said, desperately drooling over each and every girl as if they are a potential love interest is silly.
give yourself more value by not letting a woman sway you on first impressions alone. before you ever begin to say anything remotely flirtatious, talk to the girl. see what she actually acts like when you interact with her. have a normal conversation. if there isnt anything special there beyond her looks, friendzone her. or simply stop talking to her. you do not need to hit on each and every girl that looks good enough to be your partner.
doing this gives you more value, and the psychological effects are great. in addition, women will take you more seriously. instead of being 1 of 500 men in new york who went straight for the kill, you took the time to get to know them. whether it goes anywhere or not, this approach also just gives you practice talking to girls in a casual context. its less pressure than trying to impress them.
>>17129905
>only ever use dating apps as a supplement to your real life dating.
dating apps are toxic. consider the following
>people use dating apps because they arent having much luck in real life
>they go to a dating app where they are introduced to an entire smorgasbord of men who want nothing more than to bang and/or date them
>after just one day they will have seen everyone in their area
>within one week they would have talked to everyone they are interested in
so anyone who has been using the app for more than a few weeks clearly has some sort of issue. likely, they are the female equivelent of what i discussed in my first post.
they want a 'bf' but because they have a very specific idea of what a bf is, they arent finding it anywhere. instead of seeing if they have real chemistry, they are simply walking down the aisle, trying to figure out what is the ONE thing at the groccery store they can buy, based solely on pictures and labels.
if a woman is on tinder for too long, they are losing their ability to feel chemistry.
you as a man can fall into a very similar pattern here, but with the added harshness of constant rejection.
it is an app made for people who want to date, yet no one seems to have success there for very long. that should tell you something.
>>17129910
>but anon, how do i use it as a supplement to an existing dating life if i dont have a dating life.
effort. lots and lots of effort. and also, doing what you like. going out is in no way restricted to bars and clubs, though if that is what you enjoy, by all means, go to bars and clubs.
the truest way to find chemistry is to experience your life in the most enjoyable way, and see how you match with the people who come into it. interacting with someone in a casual way shows you how you ACTUALLY get along, not how you hope to get along cuz you really want this to work cuz you need a gf.
so write down a list of all your hobbies, and find a way to externalize them. most people live at least near a city these days.
go to any and all hobby shops and ask about local events. gun shops might have hunting trips. or you can just go to a shooting range. comic book stores have game nights. or live commentary movie nights. if these shops do not host events, offer to host one through them, after all it will only lead to more money through them.
you can even go to a more casual store, lets say, a book store, and stand in your favorite aisle (lets say, horror). talk to everyone who comes by looking for a book. ask what book they are looking for. tell them what book you are looking at. try to spark a conversation abotu your favorite author. maybe take some suggestions. if you really hit it off, try to trade numbers.
its okay if it doesnt pan out. this isnt a scoring system. there is no man in a cloack in space making down on a cosmic chalkboard how many failed conversations you had. 99% of interaction is dumb. you are waiting for the 1% and enjoying talking about your favorite things with strangers until then.
>>17129915
>but anon, going outside somewhere to find out if maybe they have an event doesnt suit my lazy lifestyle!!1!
and for those who simply cannot bring themselves to get up out of the house without a guarantee go to meetup.com and look for something of your interest. no matter what your interest it is on there in a group you can meet with. and if not, you can start your own meet up.
Now, some of you may argue that these sorts of tailored events are attended mostly by men. yes. mostly. but some women too. whats important here is you will be doing something you love, with people who love what you love, and when the right ladies come along you'll know they love it too. you will have that common ground.
>>17129905
Actually yeah, my buddy's told me this too.
Girls are used to getting hit on by everyone, the best way to make yourself stand out is to just carry normal conversations with her.
Once a girl even shows a remote interest in me I'm usually ok (not necessarily a romantic interest, even something along the lines of "hey you seem like a pretty cool guy to chat with"), but I'm laughably bad at making that happen.
The hardest part for me though is just approaching and saying hi to new people. Like for example, a few months ago I went to a bar with my friends. They were constantly trying to coax me into just walking up to someone, saying hi, and just seeing what happens from there. I couldn't do it, it kinda felt my legs and my mind sort of freeze up. The fear just kinda overwhelmed me.
No amount of "you just gotta do it" and "you'll probably never see these people again" helped either.
>>17129915
>vidya
ok, well my school probably has some form of video game club. Plus I see flyers for game days and shit all around the school, I just never really attended because my job, school and my current social life pretty much drained all my free time.
The only people I see inside gamestores are parents little kids and fedora's so no.
>Music
Been listening to a lot of music and expanding my taste lately, I don't play any instruments or anything so unless there are clubs where people meet up and just talk about whatever they've been listening to I'm not sure how to externalize that.
I don't really do much else, I used to play Magic The Gathering so maybe I could get back into that. I'm just hard pressed to find much else that peaks my interest. God I'm boring.
>>17129932
>laughably bad at making that happen
thats not a thing. you are missing the point of my post which is essentially that women are not gods, govenors, leaders, or magical vagina dragons.
they are just humans. the only reason women make these decisions is cuz we approach them. them turning oyu down or not being impressed does not mark you a failure. if that was the case then most every single man in the world would be a failure.
you are not laughably bad at 'chemistry'. its an abstract feeling that people randomly feel with each other. let go of that notion that talking to a woman is a test.
>the hardest part is just approaching and saying hi to new people
the fear is the best part imo. i get it. and sometimes it over comes me. but you gotta put oyurself out there. nothign great was ever done due to a lack of fear, it was done despite fear. i you can start to handle something like talking to a stranger, think of how brave you will become elsewhere in life? and to be honest, its FUN even if it goes wrong oyu get a thrill, a rush. its like watching a horror movie. scary fun.
one important thing to remember when you approach a stranger is that if they go off to do their own thing then your life is exactly the same as it was ten minutes ago, an hour ago, and a day ago. literally nothing has changed. if they are kind and like you, then congrats, you improved your life. and if they were mean, then congrats, you are a better person than them and they literally did not deserve to talk to you.
>>17129932
>>17129958
>no amount of 'you just gotta do it' and 'youll probably never see these people again' helped either
then give up. not on this, but on life. cuz you are making the personal choice not to do what everyone has been doing since the beginning of time. you are forcibly removing yourself from the human race becuase of tumblr-tier imaginary mental disorders.
you enjoy the position you are in and can write yourself off as the victim. wouldn't you rather feel special for going out there and getting what you want?
you are subjecting yourself to a life of mediocrity cuz you cant handle the most basic of anxieties.
there is no magic alternative option. so if you know you are going to say 'nah i cant go talk to people', then why bother asking for adv ice on how to go talk to people?
>>17129953
>and fedoras
you are supposedly no better assuming you are:
>>17129932
i once saw a fat ugly neckbeard guy with a retarded eye going in the wrong direction get on the bus. but he was wearing a FLCL shirt so i talked him up, and we had a great bus ride.
you are supposedly into video games, so you are no better than a 'fedora'. take the time to get to know someone instead of being a judgemental fuck. i mean, unless thats the world you want to live in, hwere people assume you are a 'fedora' cuz you have trouble talking to new people.
>unless there are clubs where people meet up and discuss what they've been listening to
yes actually. its generally divided into genre so if you prefer rock, go look for a rock club. im not sure about colleges, i skipped that phase of my life, but there are lots of meet ups here for that, and they tend to promote small places where indie and cover bands play.
>>17129958
Maybe I am putting women on a pedestal. But the bigger problem is that when I'm at a party, or walking around at school, it just sort of feels like everyone who sees me instantly thinks they're too good for me.
Maybe I just no too many bitchy crazy judgmental girl. I don't know.
>>17129978
Fair, my mistake. My time on this site is slowly turning me into a massive cynic. I try to hide it but sometimes it slips out.
>>17129978
>i dont really do much elsse
>used to play magic the gathering
and you call the guys at game shops fedora? geez ur a mean person. that being said YES go play magic the gathering. i played it for a few years at the local comic book shop. my girlfriend dragged me there every weekend for drafting tournaments, and when we broke up i just kept going. they are fun and you can meet awesome people there, plus learn of other geek type events they have if thats your cup of tea.
>nothing else piques my interest
than have an open mind and go try new things. lots of things looked weird til you try it. magic the gathering sure did to me.
no one wnats ot hang out with a guy who says
>literally nothing but video games and some music piques my interest
stop being a downer and start being open minded. theres so much shit to do in this world, its kind of shocking. there is never a reason to be bored.
>>17129980
you mean like how you walked into a gamestop and assumed you were too good for all the 'fedoras' in there?
sounds to me like you think too much about social hierarchies instead of living your life as its actually happening. dont worry about IF that girl is a bitch and isntead, go find out. if she is a bitch, shes not worth your time. if you're a bitch, you're not worth hers.
be yourself. be kind, and ignore those who arent. your life will be more or less the same, except infinitely happier.
don't be a hypocrite. if you see someone and they seem to have some similar interest, give em a chat.
as for girls judging you, you can post a picture and we can give 'make over' advice if you want. its always good to better your self however you can.
im like a girl in the sense that my 'natural state' is rather ugly, and i have to put a lot of effort into my appearance.
>>17129978
>cuz you cant handle the most basic of anxieties.
Why is overcoming these anxieties so much harder for me than for other people then. What's causing me to be mentally "weaker" than them
>>17129988
if you are open minded and optimistic and simply avoid those who are trying to be negative, your life wont be that different than it is now, except you'll be infinitely more happy.
you already avoid people you think are assholes or mean. so just take the time to actually find out if they are. you can find out in like 3 minutes most of the time. but in this method you also get new friends, and maybe romantic partners.
i have faith in you cuz you arent as set in your ways as a lot of assholes on this board. you dont blindly reject everything i said but you also dont blindly accept it. i have faith you will apply what you can to your life and come out a little happier. thats what is most important.
you want to live your life you said.
>>17129999
>>17130000
THEM QUADS
>>17129999
dude sweet quads
>why is it harder for me than other people
misunderstanding imo. there are a thousand little factors obviously, things that happened that shaped us, but ultimately you don't understand the basic nature of our current time and place. which is that you can carve out any life you want. all those people who hate their friends, hate their parents, hate their girlfriend, hate that they cant meet people are living in a sort of 'imaginary' space. they are more afraid of change and the unknown than they are of what they knowingly hate.
in your case you are choosing 'the devil you know'. you arent happy this way. but you are more scared of change.
once you start talking to people it gets easier. ive only really been putting myself out there for about 2 years now. and i still have massive anxiety ov er it. some days i dont talk to people at all. most days i try to reach out to at least one person, even if its just a random stranger on the bus.
most of the time it just leads to a nice asual conversation with someone ill never meet again. sometimes it leads to REALLY weird long term friendships.
its hard for you, but once you understand the reality: that talking to these people can only enrich your lives, you'll be set. cuz whether or not they are 'good' or 'bad' you will be able to decide for yourself what to do with them. whether its pursue them more or simply move on and forget them in 10 minutes.
>>17130017
I think there are some self-esteem issues mixed in there too.
For example, when I see a girl at a party with friends, saying hi to lots of people, whatever. My mind instantly assumes they're extremely social and are acquainted with lots of people. I then just think to myself I won't measure up compared to the people they already know because everyone just seems more interesting than I am.
Whenever I find myself catching up with old friends they always have stories about all the crazy shit they've been doing, and I just.... don't. I just feel extremely boring compared to the rest of the world and I think thats where a lot of my anxieties come from.
I guess the easiest solution would be to make myself an all around more interesting person I guess.
Jesus I should've gotten help with this a long time ago.
>>17130050
i think you worry too much about the 'value' of people from some random but objective sense.
people are not 'better' cuz they are acquainted with lots of people. it does not magically make you happy.
if you enjoy your time spent it doesnt really matter who its with. your best friend can be just like you, a socially anxious nerd or whatever. doesn't make them a 'less valued friend' and therefore not worth being happy about.
enjoy people for who they are, and try to enjoy your life for what you do. the people you meet along the way dont matter much cuz you'll always find SOMEONE worth spending time with.
>crazy shit
if you want to do crazy shit, go out. i do all sorts of stuff but only cuz i want to. if i feel like going to a bar just to chat and socialize, i go, even if i only drink a soda or a water. i decided to start a horror meet up that meets this week. theres a screening for a movie at a graveyard friday. theres a horror campout im going to next month.
i just look around for things that sound interesting to me and i go to them. its that easy.
>the solution would be making myself an interesting person
nope. nope. nope. nope. nope. do interesting stuff, do stuff that interests you. do not try to be an interesting person. cuz in reality, no one cares. they have their own interests and they wont align with the interesting things you do.
spend your life having fun, not worrying about if other people think what you are doing is fun.
FOCUS ON YOU.
>>17130117
I guess maybe these ideals do sort involve forcing me to become something I'm not.
This has been a lot to take in. I'm probably going to be studying this thread for a really long time to be honest.
This has been really helpful, thank you so much.
>>17130135
no problem.
to some degree it may seem like 'being someone you are not' but to another degree its not. you want to talk to people. just cuz you have anxiety about it doesn't mean talking to people would make you 'something you are not'.
at the end of the day my advice always boils down to two simple concepts
>do what you want to do
>talk to people you pass by along the way
>hook up with QT rock chick at the weekend, bang at her place
>feel sad because we've not spoken since i left her place the morning after
what the fuck, should i not just be happy that I got to bang another hot chick for the first time in a year? I thought a hot one night stand was supposed to make guys feel better about themselves
>>17130142
I mean I guess that's what I've kinda already been doing, just the only people I've really been meeting and talk to are the ones who either approach me, or people who I've been forced to interact with for one reason or another.
Also, checking out meetup.com now. Could definitely prove useful.
>>17130161
You clearly felt a deeper connection with this girl dude. Are you sure you have no way to get back in touch with her?
>>17130165
>could
should. will. i started my own meetup. 30 bucks for six months. gonna make a bunch of new horror friends this thursday
