Hi /adv/, this is my first time on this board. This is probably going to sound equally confusing and complex as it feels, but I'm just going to blurt it out and hope for the best.
I spent my teenage years (13-19) a drug addict. I used pretty much every drug you could think of but most heavily were cocaine, mephedrone and aMT. I was always horrifically depressed through this time, using the drugs as an escape and a form of self harm almost - i was using in huge quantities over long periods of time deliberately up until the point where I ended up not spending a waking moment straight.
Things started to slow down by the time I was 18, when I met my partner, who I am still with now aged 20. I still smoked a lot of weed, and continued to use high purity cocaine most weekends and some weekdays. It was in May of last year, when I was smoking weed with my mum that I realised I couldn't hack it anymore - i become extremely on edge, self conscious and anxious when I smoke. I decided to stop taking any drugs at all am reaching a year clean some point this month.
I assumed that the difficulties I had with my mood and mental state would slowly subside but this has not been the case. I struggled most severely with extreme depression, suicidal thoughts and severe anxiety, but also experienced psychotic episodes, long memory blanks (i mean total blanks, writing people letters and rearranging my room and not having any recollection of it at all).
Luckily enough for me, the symptoms I would have been unable to hide are a lot better. I no longer think about killing myself, at least not in a serious, dedicated or prolonged way, and I am not delusional, my memory has returned and I feel less anxious doing day to day tasks, work and recreational activities.
What hasn't gone away is the fear, dread and deep sadness I hold. I live with my partner now but (s)he was the victim of a very serious crime. cont...
Write faster nigger
>>17119571
The perp was someone i knew very well, and I've heard details about the case that have deeply disturbed me, not even knowing things like that existed. I will have to appear in court to give evidence as there is a lengthy trial ahead.
I am failing to see good in the world at all and feel completely doomed. I can't see any way out of the (relative) poverty we both live in, my job is damaging to my physical health, i smoke too many cigarettes as a coping mechanism for the cravings for drugs I experience every single day. I have no friends whatsoever, a couple of the guys I work with I get on well with but I keep contact with none of my peers or friends from school, college or that I met as a user. I see my baby siblings far too infrequently due to the distance between us, my lack of transportation and time due to working upwards of 60 hours a week.
I take very little pleasure in any social activities, I even find it hard talking to my partner a lot of the time. There's no doubt in my mind that I deeply love and care about him/her but it's hard to explain what is going on in my head without destroying any good feelings she's managed to develop about life. When I open up to her she cries, and I feel worse. When I'm closed she gets upset because I'm not being open, so there's fuck all I can do to with regards to it. She talks to me and I counsel her, which is extremely rewarding and she needs it but the more I hear the worse I feel about everything.
I would love children, biologically I feel that urge. Morally, rationally, I find it extremely hard to justify bringing more life onto this planet, doomed to the same fate of working their asses off, killing themselves with the poisons society has to offer and being born literally just to serve as machines to generate money for selfish scum. I can't justify having them.
What the hell is going on, why aren't there more insane people? How can we smile?
Trying to be as quick as possible, I'm fairly sure you've got the picture but if I've been too vague in places please ask. I really need some kind of way out of this situation.
Are you in America or can you seek professional help?
>>17119625
I'm in the UK and i could but have been down that route. Mental Hospitals in the UK are 1000x worse than any prisons, i'm very familiar with the system, and nothing will contribute to further deterioration more than being stuck in one.
Everything short of that, meds, counselling, cbt does nothing for me
>>17119643
But it sounds like talking to your partner might help you. Does s/he get counseling? It might make it easier for her/him to help you.
Generally you just have to realize that you can only go one day at a time and that if you hit rock bottom, the only way is up. Also the World is a wonderful place and if you ever have kids they are most likely going to live a happy life.
I feel as though I linger not quite at rock bottom but near it, although my feelings generally just get worse and worse the clearer I'm able to think. Citation needed on the last sentence of your post mate.
It sounds like you've had a rough life.
Did you honestly try counseling for a while? Counseling and medication should help you at least overcome depression. But obviously they cannot fix your life for you.
You've managed to get away from hard drugs, which is a really hard thing to do, so you deserve some fucking credit. You're on a path to having a better life. No one can shield you from adversity, and sometimes bad shit just happens, but you need to keep your head up and doing the right thing.
>>17119741
Yes I had counselling for a year and was on Sertraline 50mg for a year. Neither helped, I actually found the meds made me worse, bought back anxiety. Had other anti d's that i cant remember the name of but they literally did nothing
OP, your story made my heart twist in my chest. I'm deeply praying for things to improve for you. Your battle with addiction, anxiety and depression.... and your love for your partner....
It is never too late to drop everything and do something new. People make their fortunes and find their happiness at 20, 30, 50, and even 70 years old. It could be hard, or it could be the easiest thing in the world.
It's not very specific or even very good advice, but please know I'm rooting for you with everything my fingertips can convey.
How can people who are not rockstars afford cocaine on regular basis?
>>17119869
I appreciate the gesture, thanks.
>>17119909
All sorts of ways. Main one is to befriend people with more money than yourself. Or befriend the people that are peddling it, both are easier than you'd believe.
why ur partner has 2 genders.
and what kind of partner is it. Sexual?
also, u gay?
>>17119943
non specific as with the information building up, it could be worked out who we are, which wouldn't be ideal. That's a massive stab in the dark though
>>17119987
r u hiding for something? this is an anonymous forum. Whats the crime commited?
Since your life is going slowly for the better, why worry?
>>17119997
I would just prefer not to be identified by any coworkers or colleagues that may be on here, that would suck.
I would disagree, i haven't felt alive in a long fucking time.
>>17120004
Why don't you try and get student fiance OP, I fucking hate university, but you may get a degree you can make money in,
>>17120004
Dude i'm only writing to you because i recognize that's a very crucial point you're on. You won the first battle with drugs, but a year is only the start. Just hang in there, try to make your and your partner's lives a little better. It doesn't have to be big, a new hobby maybe? Music has always been my personal savior. I know it's all black and white right now, It will get colourful, I promise. It's a slow and hard process, but totally worth it.
>>17120147
sorry for any grammar mistakes btw, I'm greek actually
>>17120147
This is the truth, anxiety is pretty normal when you recover from addiction, because you start discovering the flaws in yourself that you weren't aware of or you repressed them and now they suddenly hit you. I'm sure you will be fine just keep on and continue improving yourself.
