Ok, I am terrible at describing how I feel with words, so I apologize on the metaphors. I think my inability to describe is part of the problem I am about to put forward.
Ok. So basically I have a personality problem, but it's not like I'm bipolar or anything or have sudden mood swings. In fact I'm usually confident, happy, and sometimes stupid most of the time. I'm basically ENTJ, but I say stupid things because there's no filter within my brain, and I really wish I could not say those things, as it acts as a double edged sword - sometimes I burn or woo, or crash to the ground. Even as I write this I am getting the feeling I am about to describe.
I've seen maybe on anon ever share the same thing I feel, he called it "realizing (that your) consciousness". First, I would point out that I want to change, and that I accept personal responsibility for everything I do, but this is somewhat different.
You know the meme where the beta (I guess cucks today don't even bother to ask a girl out) talks to a girl and doesn't necessarily go autismo but afterword he's like "fuck why did I do any of that/ say any of that?"
Yeah, imagine if that applied to literally everything you did in your life. I feel like my body, including my intellect and personality, although quite good, are not my own. I'll try and use some metaphors again. You don't move your hand by saying "Hand, move to the left!', your hand just moves. That's exactly how I feel about everything in life, not just body movement. When I stare at math problems I don't think what to do, I just know it. (1/2)
>>17116178
You know how animals don't realize their reflection is them (but we, humans do)? That's also how I feel, like an animal who's life is dominated by instinct first, and perhaps prefrontal cortex some of the time. Thankfully, my base instinct isn't too bad, but I don't want to be an animal anymore. How can I, like I am now, realize that the reflection is me more and take hold of my life (metaphorically , not get a girl or get rich etc)?
Hopefully you understood something. I feel like writing is more closer to who I am than the words I speak because they involve more thinking and less spontaneity. If just one person said they also felt this way, I guess it that would be great too.
Bamp.
Are you still there, OP?
I think this is interesting read. Tell us more-- Have you ever gotten any real reactions from other people to your behaviour?
>>17116359
Fuck the mobile use on this website , I mean no one realty reacts because like I said it's not that my base personality is Autismo(I have friends and hopefully soon to be date after next week) it's that I can tcontrol him all the time or forget that this "real" me exists .
When I've spoken about this problem to friends they've said maybe it's just a part of growing up for me . Hopefully it's that easy/ simple .
Have you ever played dead money on new vegas ?
>>17116382
>it's that I can tcontrol him all the time or forget that this "real" me exists
Who is "him" in this scenario, and to what extent do you feel you lack control? I get that you kind of feel distant from yourself, and perhaps what you're experiencing is mild dissociation - not exactly Dissociative Identity Disorder, but instances of something related to that? What gender are you btw?
>maybe it's just a part of growing up for me
How old are you? Unless you've experienced some emotional trauma, I don't think this is a coming-of-age thing; some people are just more sensitive to "consciousness" tbqh - but I won't get into what I mean by that, unless you want to get me talking about Zen Buddhism.
>Have you ever played dead money on new vegas?
I don't know what that is.
>>17116415
>Him
"Him" is my brain without a filter. He's really loud, confident, sometimes overtly pompous, thinks he can do anything, kind hearted and willing to help others succeed, never takes no for an answer, etc. None of that sounds very bad, but you can imagine without a filter in your brain taking some of those to the extremes is not necessarily good form. I'm a guy.
I'm 18. I had a kind of shit childhood but not nearly as some people on this website, and I think this problem relates to me more than anything. I thought it maybe had to do with my parents being divorced and being called different names by my friends at my parents respective houses (first name or middle name) but I don't think it's that superficial.
As for dead money, I feel just like a character in that. It's an expansion for Fallout: New Vegas, I'll quit the details and basically say their is character named Dog/God who has I guess extreme bipolar or dissociative identity disorder, the dog is a dumb beast who hurts himself and is a cuck and listens to his masters, while god is a gritty but intelligent and reluctant character . Dog hungers to be controlled or to eat, and God hungers to control.
In one of the many endings, there is a "good" ending where basically it's just like the mirror example I gave. Your character tells dog/god to walk into the metaphorical light and see that the reflection in the metaphorical water is not "god" but himself. Upon doing this, dog/god become one identity and suffers mild amnesia about whole plot and who you are , but feels remarkably better.
I want that. I don't want to be god/dog fighting anymore, not that my dog is anywhere near as an idiot, and I don't want to force control myself either, thats unnatural and will just lead me back to my old state, even though I'm a pretty cool guy. Hell, I just wrote he and then rewrote it to I, so I'm slowly winning this battle. I want to be one person still thinking like god, but still carefree and fun like dog.
>>17116461
1.stop using the word cuck, please, it's a stale meme
2. Your problem is unusual, and you'd better see a therapist to try and sort it out
>>17116461
My recommendation to you is to look into some literature regarding self-discipline and your subconscious. I understand completely what you're saying and had similar feelings when i was your age. What you must come to realize is that your "other you" is just as much a part of yourself as your dominant mind. Rather than seeing it as something to be subdued, erased, or ignored, realize that other side of you is spontaneous and creative, and has many positive aspects to it. There are steps you can take to persuade that side of you to work for you rather than against you, and many accomplished authors have written far more on the subject than I can accurately describe.
Point is, you can figure these things out as you continue to grow and mature. With enough time and effort I'm confident you'll arrive at a version of "yourself" that you feel most comfortable with.
>>17116507
Eh, I don't think I'm going to see a therapist. I've made my life much better than it was just a year before, so I'm not giving up on this fight any time soon. If I don't have it sorted out at the end of college, I'll go see one.
You know what, I kind of feel better already actually just by writing this stuff out.
>>17116515
Thanks, I will.
>>17116518
Writing your thoughts will inevitably help you understand your thoughts.
I'm no expert in psychology, but talking to someone who can more exactly point out how you differ from someone more collected, is always good advice. Going to therapy is not giving up, in fact-- in most cases it's a step in the right direction, and a useful tool.
I don't feel your problem necessarily is a problem, and might actually be something you can develop into an asset. Individuality can be a prison, and do be able to see the world differently certainly makes you a more free person, than people trapped by their psychological types. Personally I'd recommend listening to some of Alan Watts' talks (free on youtube), specifically ones on personality.
