It's complicated. Please bear with me, describing my situation makes it sound so unreal, like the plot of a Tumblr romance novel or shitty fetish porn, but this is part of my life. So, here it is.
> I'm FtM, pre-hormone and pre-surgery, androgynous
> Bisexual, but I've never seen myself as being romantically interested in a woman
> Except one
> My best friend since high school (We're both 21 now) is a gorgeous chick, 10/10
> Turns heads everywhere she goes, gets hit on in public, gets phone numbers from guys, looks perfect even after rolling out of bed. She's got a gorgeous face and her body is in-fucking-credible
> Lost my virginity to her at 16, became sort of FWB after that
> She was in a serious relationship with a guy for 2 years, then he broke up with her
> She's been in love with her neighbor for 5 years, but he's a stoner and doesn't want to commit to her, they started a FWB relationship about a year ago
> I've always been really insecure about our relationship, since she can have pretty much any guy or girl she wants and I'm just... me
> Lately, we've been acting like a couple instead of just FWB. She's been dropping hints that she wants to be my gf
> But when I finally ask her, she says she "doesn't know"
> It's fine with me, until she starts explaining why
> Says her life is too complicated right now, which I understand, because I know it is, family, financial issues, etc. But explains it in a way that sounds like she considers me to be just like any other guy she's turning down
cont.
> By the time she's done talking, I feel really pissed off, feels like she's been leading me on
> Using me for affection since she isn't getting any from her ex of two years and her neighbor
> I stay the night at her place that night after an awkward and tense brithday celebration for a mutual friend
> She tells me, driving home from said friend's house, that she feels like she was being selfish and wants to give a relationship a shot if I still want to
> Feels like a pity "yes"
> I say no, not if she doesn't truly want to
> She agrees, says she wants to take it slow
> I tell her, as long as the answer is no, I don't want us to act like a couple anymore
> Car ride home is silent
> Get to her house, get in bed together
> I don't want the night to end like this
> Before I can say anything, she gets out of bed and is gone for around 2 hours
> She comes in and out of the room a few times, acting fine
> When she gets back, I talk to her
> "It seems like this isn't as big a deal to you as it is to me, but I need to tell you that I didn't say I don't want to be with you to hurt you"
> She starts telling me that it does mean a lot to her, just that she "puts up a wall" around herself to defend against her own feelings
> Tells me that I mean more to her than anyone else in the world, that she puts me on the same level as her family
> Tells me she sees a future with me, but her life is too hectic for her to want to commit to a relationship
> Long story short, she said she loves me, but she also wants to be with her ex, and that her neighbor is starting to talk to her again (they had a bit of a fight, so they stopped seeing each other for a while)
> She said that, when I told her I didn't want to act like a boyfriend anymore, it felt like I was breaking up with her
> Things were back to normal, and felt even closer to her than before
cont.
But, /adv/...
> She flirts with other guys, gives her phone number out to strangers
> Sends nudes, doesn't know that I know
> She and her ex talk like they're still together, she tells him she loves him and vice versa
She tells me all the time how attractive I am. She talks about having kids with me. She tells me how different I am from everyone else. I don't know if I should believe her.
My friends are yes-men, telling me what they think I want to hear. I need unbiased opinions, based on what I've said here. I talk a big talk around my friends, but honestly, I'm insecure as fuck and I need to know if I should keep investing my emotions into this girl.
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
Your whole relationship with her is so, so, so, so, so fucking bad in every way possible. You're so bad for eachother, I don't even know how to explain it in words. It'd be easier in a fucking diagram. I mean, granted you're both so mentally confused in the head I could see how you might confuse that similarity as some sort of bond, but holy shit.
Make yourself a better life.
>>17114472
>I'm a mentally damage person
>interested in another mentally damaged person
>what could go wrong??
Seriously do yourself a favor and stop.
>>17114492
I'd ask you to be specific, but you've already said that'd be difficult.
>>17114496
Now that you put it that way, fuck, maybe I should. Typing it out cleared my head a fair bit, and reading it back to myself makes the whole situation sound more ridiculous.
>>17114501
There's literally nothing concrete in your relationship. At all.
>>17114481
Ah, and for the sake of those types that hate people just tossing their lgbt into their self-descriptions as if it earns them some sort of special points card, there is some significance to me being FtM and her being bi, which is why I mentioned it.
It's because she doesn't see me as much of a guy as her ex and her neighbor, and she's right thinking so, but it makes it all the more likely that she's not as into me as she says she is.
Just sayin'.
>>17114481
get away from her.
