This is following on from a thread I made yesterday. Basically I used to have a close friend, over time things escalated and we slept together a few times, and then out of the blue one day she broke it off because she'd never really seen me as boyfriend material. She was genuinely sorry when she saw how hurt I was and wanted to stay friends, but although I tried this for a little while it was pretty clear I couldn't handle it, especially when she got a new boyfriend. I started avoiding her in real life and deleted her on all social media, and we've only spoken a couple of times since then (about 18 months ago).
Yesterday I got a message from her, and we had a little catch-up chat. I think she was just feeling bored/lonely, because she told me she's unemployed and living with her parents (and as far as I know she has no friends that live close to there). After we'd talked for a while and things drew to a close, I asked her not to contact me again. I'll post a summarised version of the messages below, but I did it in a pretty nice and positive way. But I've been feeling shit about it ever since. Even though it's pathetic/beta, I still want to be able to cheer her up when she's feeling down and make her laugh like I used to, even though that's not my role anymore and hasn't been for a long time. We've barely had any contact for 2 years, but all of a sudden it seems a lot more 'final', and that really might be the last time we ever speak. I just feel sad about the whole situation, I really wish it could have been a happier ending because I'd never had a friend like her before, and haven't had one since.
I guess I just want to know if people think I did the right thing? If I handled it the right way? If anyone's been through the same sort of thing, how did you handle the way you felt afterwards?
Summary of last few messages:
Her: I'm glad you're doing well, just thought I'd message and see how you were
Me: It's nice to catch up and everything, but I'm not really sure why you want to check on me. Might be the best to leave the past in the past for good?
Her: If that's the way you feel.... I just got reminded that we used to get on. But anyway, I wish you all the best for the future
Me: It's not like I really want to say it or enjoy it, but I just don't see the point in staying in contact. We're not going to be friends again but there's nothing wrong with that, we just obviously felt a very different way about each other and I realised friendship with you was never what I really wanted. It makes more sense for me to move away from all that and accept that there's no reason for us to be in contact any more. I still have very positive memories about you and the friendship we did have, but it ended and life goes on.
So thanks for the memories, I'm glad to have known you, and good luck with everything in the future.
Her: I guess I understand. I'm glad I could be of some use and that you have positive memories. I know it's normal to drift apart and you do not see any point in staying in touch or want me as a friend and that's okay. I guess we're both done with this chapter and have many more exciting ones ahead of us. I don't think I had any particular intention when I contacted you, I just wanted to know how you were
OP, you made the right decision.
I was put in a similar situation a few months ago with one of my eces and decided to see if things could maybe work out differently than the first time we dated.
A few weeks goby and everything is great. She comes over, we smoke, drink, play video games, eventually fuck, and I ask her if we could be together. She says yeah. Few weeks of sheer bliss. Out of nowhere, she's avoiding me. I go crazy for a few days until she messages me back. She's not ready for a relationship. Wants to take things slow. Okay, sure. Fast forward to now, and I still haven't seen her, regardless of the fact that we talk (sporadically) almost every day.
I've been so depressed and anxious over this situation that I'm considering checking myself into a psych ward (previous issues compounding with this situation and the stress of life).
tl;dr trying to revive something once it's been dead for a few years doesn't work with biological organisms, it doesn't work with feelings either.
I'm not reading this, but you need to get over yourself.
>>16455797
Stop anon.
I remember you from yesterday.
Snapchatter here.
Give it more time, the convo just happened yesterdy right?
>>16455674
You did the right thing. Sure, it's nice that you want to be there when she needs it, but what about you? How would you feel being in that weird not-quite-friendship with somebody you liked, but didn't think you were good enough?
Nah, chances are she only contacted you because, now, she feels lonely, like you said. I was good friends with at least one of my exes and I can tell you that eventhough there was never a big last fight, what we had before never came back.
"We can still be friends" is not something I believe in, man. Neither should you, honestly.
>>16455821
I guess so. I think the way I dealt with it in the past is to deliberately keep that pseudo-contact going (e.g. through Instagram, letting her message me every now and then, and so on) because it kept the possibility open that something might happen in the future. So now that I've actually taken control of the situation and cut contact for good, it feels like it really is over now. I don't know if I can ever feel happy about that, I still look back at decisions we both made and think that if we acted differently we could have made each other happy for a while and ended things on a happy note, without it turning sour afterwards. It was a learning experience that needed to happen to me at some point, it's just a shame it happened to someone that I've not been able to replace ever since.
How is your situation coming along? Any developments?
>>16455828
Yeah you're right. Deep down I know that she's probably just contacting me because her boyfriend might not be available to her right now, or something like that. Like before, she just wants to use me until she feels better about herself and then let me go again as soon as she can get back to a guy who she actually wants to be with. That's why I know it was the right decision to cut contact completely, experience tells me getting involved with her again (even as friends) wouldn't end well for me. But I still can't feel happy about the decision. It's sad, but a part of me would be happy to get used like that again, even if it were just to remember what it was like when we really close.
>>16455966
I totally understand; In my opinion the fact of the matter is that it really probably won't change all that much. If you didn't say it to her, maybe she'd continue liking your photos, and send another few catch-up IMs here and there. But is that really what you want? You want more than that. I think that this could potentially lead to peace of mind - but regardless, I'm betting that feeling of regret will fade soon enough. I think you'll feel pride for taking control.
> if we acted differently we could have made each other happy for a while and ended things on a happy note, without it turning sour afterwards
I understand this completely; I know exactly what you mean.
This is a dumb lyric but helps me kind of cope with that feeling:
Think of all the good times, instead of the wish-we-could times.
Seriously. Remember how each day made you happy. Trust that she somewhere sometimes remembers the same. That's what I'm trying to do.
As for my situation, no developments yet. Deleted her a few days ago, staying strong and haven't added her back or anything. I noticed she logged onto Skype though afterwords (I'm her only contact). That was odd. But then she logged off a minute later... I feel like she was checking on me after noticing being deleted.
Regardless, I'm still allowing myself to hurt but staying positive. Still debating just blocking those skypes because it still hurts somewhat "waiting".
>>16455985
I get that, but the shitty thing is that this sort of feeling shouldn't be fed in any way, because it eats away at your own self-respect.
Hell, the first girl I can say that I truly liked turned out to be a lesbian and I still chased her for weeks, telling myself that I was only being friendly. Adoration is kinda of a strong word, but this process is exactly how you get people paying thousands for a dirty shirt some celebrity were once.
>>16456004
Yeah I know. I'm sure that once I find a new girl to transfer all my feelings onto, I'll slowly forget/stop caring about the ex, like she did with me. I'm trying to be open to a new opportunity, but I have quite specific standards and it's pretty rare for me to even have a crush on a girl.
Good luck with yours, I'm sure you'll stay strong. Remember to try and be active and push yourself to meet new girls, and hopefully I'll be able to follow my own advice too.
>>16456023
That's sort of the way I justified it to myself when I realised I had to cut contact - and it's not just about self-respect either, it's whether she'll respect me too. She has pretty firm views on masculinity (i.e. she likes men to be manly) and I think she knows that she was a bit of a shit friend to me in the way she dumped me. If I just let her mistreat me because I'm desperate to stay in her life, she'll never respect me. So I'm in the difficult position where I have to choose between being liked but not respected, or never talking to her again but knowing that she might respect me now. As I say, it's an important life I needed to learn regardless, I just wish I didn't need to lose the only person I'd ever been really close to in order to learn it.
>>16456360
Yeah, im going out a lot and keeping my mind open, but i also have specific standards, but i think thats fine. Theres still plenty of fish in the sea.
I had the same thought about not just respecting myself but having her respect me. I felt she likely noticed i deleted her and my honest guess was that she will probably respect that more than if i asked her to get back together again.
So fuck it i guess.
Honestly man, shits ridiculous. What are we doing? We feel too much but we both had a great girl love us; theres no reason why it shouldnt happen again. dont let it discourage you that something changed her along the way. You are still you and i am still me.
>>16456545
Different people have different approaches to relationships I guess. I take them seriously and invest a lot into it if I have feelings for someone (sounds like you do too), and I think that means it just takes a lot longer to recover one breaks down. I think people like us will have fewer relationships across our lifespan, but the ones we do have will be more meaningful. That has to be a good thing.
You did good.
You said so yourself, friendship is impossible.
Do girls even know what it's like to be rejected and see a "better" man replace you? The worst fucking feel on the planet. Nobody deserves to endure that.
>>16456599
Yeah, i wanted to add something like that, i completely agree. I think thats a good thing too.
>>16456616
Ya im starting to feel glad i didnt try harder to stay "friends" with this girl. Id just end up feeling like shit when she meets someone else. Exactly, girls dont get that shit. They seriously have such an advantage in that regard.
>>16456616
Yeah, I don't really know if girls experience break-ups the same way as us. I think that there's something about 'being a man' that means we feel very prideful about this aspect of the breakup and it's incredibly hard to deal with being replaced. I guess that's something that only girls can answer, and I'd be interested in hearing perspectives if there are any femanons lurking.
Smart guy here. Yeah it sucks but you did the logical thing.
>>16455674
Perfsel
>>16456779
I have no idea what that means, is that a new 4chan meme I missed?
Gives me an opportunity to bump the thread though - I don't want to drag this out for too long or overanalyse things too much, but did anyone have any opinions on the way she worded her last message? I only ask because the way she worded it ('I'm glad I could be of some use and that you have positive memories') makes it sound like she's pissed off and doesn't have positive memories herself. I don't know why that bothers me, I guess I'd just find it a bit easier to put the whole situation to rest if I felt like she had positive memories of us too, even if she agreed that it's better to cut contact now.
>>16456934
Me neither, I just think it sounded funny. All my girlfriends use it as well, so I wanted to see if it rolls of the tongue nicely, you know.
>>16456934
Im still here too suddenly going crazy if i should say one final goodbye myself. Afraid of what will happen when i disect her reaction. Damnit.
Im sorry bro. Stay strong. I dont know what those words mean but i have a feeling my ex would say the same kind of thing; show gladness for being positive to you without truly revealing her feelings. I dont know man, im hoping my ex just does that as a defense mechanism and to not hurt.
I don't know if the way you said it was right, but it is probably a good a idea to break contact between you too. I still have feelings for my ex and I still see her and talk to her and it really hurts. I want to be there for her and I always help her when she needs something from me, but it sucks. I'm basically doing everything I would do for her as a boyfriend, but without actually getting to be her boyfriend. I feel like I'm just being used, but when I try to stay away from her I just become depressed. I want to be there for her in the hopes that she'll come back to me, but I feel like by doing this I'm just proving to her that she doesn't need to be in a relationship with me because I'll already do anything for her without her having to commit to me.
>>16457370
>but I feel like by doing this I'm just proving to her that she doesn't need to be in a relationship with me because I'll already do anything for her without her having to commit to me.
you're proving nothing, she is not with you because she doesn't feel attracted to you, its just that simple.
>>16455674
move on you dipshit
hanging there as if you owe her sth, jesus christ.
giving advice in here is so fucking easy.
>>16457740
You're very good at it too, you should do it more often.
Instead of telling her you can't speak to her - why not talk to more women. Chat them up, practice, just have a little talk about their life and yours.
Problem being you are lingering in the thirsty position of 'drought'. Anyone will tell you that is not an atractive trait. Work towards a position of abundance. Be that guy that talks to all the girls and guess what - that IS attractive.
You will also feel incredibly good about it, especially if you are that cool guy that is nice to people.
>>16455674
Its normal to feel that wat
>>16456616
Yes anon, we do.
>>16455674
You did the right thing, OP.
OP, she's contacting you because she's lonely and is in a way using you. I think it's totally understandable, but it's not healthy for either of you. You're doing the right thing, and with exes, you have to think of your own future... what is your future girlfriend/fiancee/wife going to think if you're still talking like that with a girl you used to date.
She wants to use you OP.
As soon as she finds new friends or another boyfriend, you will be history again.
Run away.
>>16458001
I have (sort of) tried getting to know other girls, but I've just become so disillusioned about the idea of dating. Any time I start talking to the girl specifically with the possibility of dating her I just feel like a complete fake. I've always preferred the idea of getting to know someone over time and then seeing if a relationship can grow out of friendship, but that's a long and slow process and if anything, I've become more socially isolated.
>>16458236
>>16458245
To be fair, I have recently learned that one of my friends (who had no idea that me and her were anything other than friends) spoke to her recently and mentioned that me and her used to get on really well. So I think her contacting me was more to do with that than it was about her feeling lonely, although that might have played a part too. And as far as I know she's still with the boyfriend she's been with for the past year and a half. I don't want to check her profile and find out, but I know that they were still together a few weeks ago so I doubt anything's changed there.
>>16458255
Hey OP. Think I should say a 'final goodbye' to my ex now before I let more time go by? It's been about a month and a half. She hasn't messaged me though so maybe I should just let go.
>>16458255
So op - here is some specific advice..
>Any time I start talking to the girl specifically with the possibility of dating her I just feel like a complete fake.
When you feel like this - that is the 'thirst' leaking out and spoiling your state. This is a sign for you to say, "hey, nice talking to you but I have to bounce. Speak later.
And move away.
So this is pretty basic self control and doing this will train your mind not to get overly focussed on the 'goal'.
Seriously, this will help a lot.
All the other speculation about what she is thinking is moot at this level of chatter - just get lots of girls to have eay little chats with. Very attractive!
>>16458311
How did you leave it last time you spoke? If you already got closure then it's probably better to leave it, it sounds like you just want an excuse to message her.
>>16458319
I guess it can't hurt to start speaking with more girls and trying to grow my social network that way a little bit, but I just don't feel like I'm a very good friend to have right now. Been left very cynical and disconnected by everything that happened and I find it difficult to trust people at all now, so I don't know whether to just see if that goes away over time, or to just hide it away and get on with meeting people even if it feels fake.
>>16458338
I "sort" of got closure but have lingering things in my mind. Our last conversation was a fairly good one but I also told her how I still "can't let this go just yet" and still care about her. She was all just like ";(" and stuff and being friendly and then said "goodnight ;(" at the end...
So it ended well, but I almost feel bad I even told her about wanting to make things work again... I know I don't want to go through the headache of trying and failing. I almost want to tell her like "about the message the other day, i realized nevermind about that, and im moving on", but that sounds so cheesy.
>>16458359
Fuck it, I really don't feel much closure desu, the only closure I feel is that our last conversation was a decent one instead of a upset one like the one before it. But there is still a ton on my mind.
The best advice I can think of is find something you like doing that is creative and you can pour your energy into and do it as much as you can. If you work at something you love you'll find yourself being a lot happier and able to get out of this emotional hole.
And if the right person comes along you'll know it's them because they'll make you happy and forget about previous issues with love and they'll be impassioned about your life and the things you like and you'll be impassioned about theirs.
Hope this helps.
>>16458359
If I were you I'd just leave things as they are. It seems like you left things on as positive a note as you could, so there's no need to undo that now. She's made her choice, the way you handled it was fine, now it's time to move on.
>>16458407
I guess so. I'm just worried that it's been two years and I've barely moved on at all (admittedly only bad recently because of what's happened over the last week). I wonder if I need to go out and find a casual hookup, even though I wouldn't enjoy it and it goes against what I believe in, just so that I can 'reset'. Concentrating on other things and waiting for it to just happen with someone new hasn't worked very well so far.
>>16458414
Thanks yeah probably good advice. I'll leave it. I don't want to appear even more clingy, I know I'd regret messaging her again. I would want to say those things though if she ever messages me but I don't know if that will ever happen.
If you can go out and find a casual hookup I'd say definitely do it, at least go out and try. I would try talking to women even if it doesn't go well just to build up practice.
