So a bit of back-story: I am a 26-year old female who grew up with extremely judgemental and unloving parents. In addition to shit home life I was bullied at school because I was the best student in class, and a little chubby. Due to the bullying I developed pretty bad social anxiety and a deep fear of men. Because I was getting no love and support at home I shut off from other people emotionally. I have some friends of course and we are pretty close/everything is good but I've never opened up to them on an emotional level because I just don't know how.
The thing is that I look completely normal and I can fake being a regular person pretty okay by now, but on the inside I feel anxious and like I would rather just be invisible. I'm in great shape now and most people would never guess someone like me as as pathetically insecure as I am. I was in full blown shutin mode in my late teens and like the first year of my 20s. I'm faking a semi-normal life now but I really have to force myself to go out and socialize, which makes new meeting new people nearly impossible.
cont
I've only been in 2 relationships: an online one in my early 20s and a “real” physical one only recently. The real relationship has recently ended due to completely different personalities and lack of understanding, and probably due to my self-esteem and fear of abandonment issues that stem from the lack care from my family. Since I had no real experience with dating or men, I got into a relationship with the wrong guy. A part of me feels betrayed since he said he would love me and care about me no matter what but I realize it's naive and too much pressure for one person. I felt truly happy and accepted for the first time in my life in this relationship but when our personalities started to clash (he's extremely social and outgoing), my problems surfaced and it all went to hell.
Long story short I'm wondering if anyone can relate and provide some insight/help. Right now I feel like the thing that is missing from my life is a romantic relationship but sometimes I think maybe I just need normal connections with people. Do you think I can just date around and eventually find the right person? Or should I try to deal with my issues professionally before I get out there? Would therapy even work or do I just have to go through the coming of age phase which I missed as a teenager and things will fall into place?
Is this even making sense? I'm pretty sleep-depraved.
>>17012750
You need to realize that your story and background are not a big deal and don't define you. My wifes Mother knocked out her retina hitting her so hard, today my wife is a loving mother of 3.
I suggest you avoid the "romance" trap. Make friend and hang out with people even if you don't want to. Eventually you will make a connection with someone. It is usually friendship that evolves into romance. And are the greatest of romances.
>>17012750
Are you me?
I'm 28, and I've had a very similar upbringing. I too have social anxiety/general anxiety like crazy. All my life, I've felt like I can never fully connect with people. I always manage to be the odd one out, especially in a workplace setting. I'm always nice as shit to people too, I don't get it. I'm not a sperg, or at least I don't think I am. Kek
I'd suggest that you try cognitive behavioral therapy. It's helped me, although it's not a magic pill. Are you or have you ever been on an anti-depressant or anxiolytic?
Somehow I managed to get married. But part of me wishes that I could have worked on myself before I met him, it would've prevented a couple of the issues we've had over the years.
>>17012754
The coming of age as a teen thing is a fallacy. Everyone matures at their own pace in their own way.
First thing is to stop using your family history as a stalking horse for your insecurity. It might have been a factor when you were younger but by now you should have established replacement relationships with friends and co workers.
Some therapy may help identify what you need to feel secure and ground you, giving a better perspective on life. From there you can work on forming romantic and non romantic attachments.
>>17012773
Thanks for the insight. I know it doesn't define me but it has shaped me enough to cripple me to a very large degree. On bad days I wonder if I can ever be semi-normal.
The thing is that while I want a relationship, getting close to people scares me so I shy away from even friendships with men because eventually they will take it further and I can't get over my distrust ("oh he's just fucking with me to humiliate me")
>>17012799
Chubby loner girls are the best desu
Too bad you chose to fuck Chad
>>17012793
For me it's more like I make myself to be the odd one out a lot of the time with my shyness and reserved nature. Unless the other people are really pushy I often don't join in. Trying to change that though.
Never taken any kind of medication. I always thought it's not a "real" life if you're medicated but the desperation starts to creep in with age, you know?What kind of stuff did you do in the therapy?
And hey, at least you managed to get him to stay and care enough to understand you are trying!
>>17012797
I don't think I'm using it as an excuse, I'm just saying this is what happened. A lot of the time people find somewhere to get support from growing up but I had none in or outside the home and I shut off and thought I was completely fine alone. Until recently I thought I was completely fine and it was just a matter of meeting the right person. The sad truth is that even with the perfect person I would have a lot of trouble.
>>17012855
I'm not chubby anymore and Chad was the only one forceful enough to get through my walls. I'm very aware that this type of guy is completely wrong for me. Guys similar to me only look and I think they're judging me and thinking I'm gross lel.
