Hear me out /adv/, bellow is a very long post so if you dont feel like reading, just scroll away.
In case you wanna try and read all that shit I wrote, here are some background trying to explain why certain options (like just get a gf, just be yourself, just get a job) are unavailable to me.
Since I can remember I've been a reject, bullied and ostracised, even as young as 4 year old.
When I was 9 I though I was under some spell because I read in on of those old "magic" mags that if people hate man for no reason it can be a spell and call a medium to get rid of it, the concept of mental issues was unknown to me at the time so I went with a spell.
I would always get into troubles and did stupid shit because I didn't know how world works (I grow up being mostly alone and rid of meaningful human contact so many things were and are unfamiliar to me [you should have see me trying to use a subway for the first time at the age of 23])
In schools I've been bullied, called names and beaten by kids and teachers as well, for being a retard.
>1/5
>>16994909
When I was 12 I got into mental institution for observation, released after 7 days with no clear diagnosis.
Doc just said "if his behaviour continues it could be schizophrenia", personally I think its because shit like autism or adhd or anything to do with mental development was an alien concept in post soviet mental institutions at the time and schizo was the easiest diagnosis they could come up with.
During life I would got few more generic diagnosis from various shrinks, mostly general stuff like split personality, adhd, schizoid personality, etc, nothing definite though.
I guess I am just a retard after all.
I changed like 11 schools from most of those I got an opinion that I am "an idiot unable to function in society".
It was kinda hopeless at some point, I mean every new school or place, I would try to fit in with the kids and fail completely, it always went exactly same way.
I go to a new school, I try to get together with everyone, girls are interested in me, dudes are ok then after a few months something changes and after half a year everyone pretty much hate me for being an obnoxious retard or something.
No idea why it went that way but every single school was the same, when I was going to my last one, eleventh school, there was this one time when girls would surround me after school as would always happen in the beginning (I wasnt bad looking at the time) complement me on smart and look and humour and it hurt because I knew how this was going to end.
I've been trough this already 10 times, kinda painful to be honest.
I just ask half-jokingly "How do you know I am even that great as you say, you know me for couple of weeks at best, how do you know you wont hate me at the end of the year"
They asked me why I would even think that, no way they would ever hated me, well, what do you know, half year later I was outcast once again.
>2/5
>>16994913
Because I would run away from schools trough my whole life (cant really stay in place where you are bullied daily), I graduated high school at the age of 23 (5 years older than anyone else.
I often wouldnt go to school because I couldnt force myself.
During my high school I started having issues being among people, since I lived next to the highschool I would just go to it and would go home instantly after it.
During breaks I would have to go far away from highschool because being inside was very stressful to me and would wait till the bell rung before going inside to minimise chance of being bullied or just being among people.
Because of that I was constantly late and would miss aprox 300 classes during my year, no need to tell you that because of that I would get tons of shit from teachers and tons of shit from kids for not being in class and yet somehow getting decent marks, they though I was getting premium treatment or something.
Sometimes my teachers would talk shit about me how fat I've become or how annoying I am or how weird my sense of fashion is, sometimes it was to my face, most often than not it was when I wasn't in class.
Later kids liked to just turn to me during slow classes just to repeat it all in my face, what was told about me by teacher and students and observe my reaction.
I got note from a shrink to limit my stress in class and that note was given to teachers when I was starting school but it didnt looked like they ever cared.
Because I was sleeping in classes most of the time I would get also lot of shit from teachers and kids, I think it was stress because I could sleep like 16 hours after a bad day at school.
Sometimes I would get bullied by kids I didnt even know, just because my mother was working in that school as a teacher and yes, we are still talking about a person 5-7 years older than kids that bullied me (they were often bigger than me but I think the real problem was inside my head and not in physical capabilities)
>3/5
>>16994916
When I finally graduated highschool I just went home and stopped going out altogether, sometimes I would leave when I needed to get to a doctor or sign a paper, otherwise I would spend all my time in my room since 2008.
During this time I was too depressed to do anything, I didnt pick any useful skills, I didnt learn anything, I cant even read a book because I can spend many hours on one page, I read sometimes manga or watch a movie or play a game on emulator but cant say I am enjoying it very much.
I am supported by a single mother, since I dont need anything but food I guess it is possible for her to support me.
>4/5
>>16994919
So, this above is my life, always looked like this, never been happy or led a normal life, now back to current day.
I am 32 years old, I dont have any useful skills or knowledge,no driving license or a car I dont get any neetbux or anything because thats not the country where it is possible.
I live in a small secluded village, the only people I see out of my windows are either drunks or kids going to the school that is next to my house, I dislike the drunks and afraid of the kids (technically I am afraid of all people to some degree)
Surprisingly its not immediately obvious there is anything wrong with me, at least on at first sight.
In half a year my mother might lose her job if that happens we might lose our flat (she is still paying for it).
There is no work here and the best I can hope for is 12 hours work day for $250 monthly, it wont be enough to pay for anything but flat and quite honestly I cant see such work for anything but slavery but, beggars cant be pickers or something like that.
My health is ruined, for the past 10 years I have daily heartburn, I am fat as fuck and lost all my teeth and just need to remove whats left.
Public healthcare dentist is not very keen on doing it right, all he has to say "It has to hurt because there is pus" I have a phobia of dentists and the fact "It has to hurt" doesnt really make it any easier.
The best thing a shrink had to say to me is "pull yourself together, think of your mother"
At some point I thought of downloading Unreal Engine or something and trying to make a game but even if I brush aside the fact I have no experience doing something like that and assume I can learn as I go, there is a matter of a 10 year old PC which cant do anything but overheat when I open notepad.
So, what the fuck do I do?
Is there even anything left for me to do, should I just take the Robbie Williams route?
Also, you just scrolled down to see where it ends didn't you?
Cant really blame you.
>5/5
>>16994909
You are nothing more or less than only a little lonely kid starving for affection.
Why didn't your mother care about you? Why didn't she love you?
The reason you were bullied your whole life is simple. You had not the confidence normal kids had. You couldn't build your confidence from the unconditional love of your mother. Other kids and people can feel this and the bad guys start bullying those kind of weaker people.
Either way anon it was not your fault. Now your a full grown up and can take care of yourself. Get a loving relationship. You are human and it is your right to be loved. I'm sorry you didn't have decent parents.
>>16994927
Also don't off yourself. Try to improve. Read a lot about human psychology and reflect everything on your own life. Try to understand yourself, be more empathetic to yourself and this is the most important part:
Love yourself.
It is your very own right as a human being just as it was your right to be loved by the women who brought you to life. I'm sorry she didn't take her responsibilities.
Life is so full of fun and beautiful things. Start living after you took care of yourself.
You're still very young and it is never too late.
>>16994939
>You couldn't build your confidence from the unconditional love of your mother.
>>16994957
>it was your right to be loved by the women who brought you to life. I'm sorry she didn't take her responsibilities.
Why did you even got the idea she didnt love me, she supported me trough all this time and she could just leave me behind if she wanted.
>Love yourself.
Kek, There is nothing to love, absolutely Nada.
>Life is so full of fun and beautiful things
Sure, too bad they never been within my reach and most of them are somewhere thousands km far, in either direction.
>You're still very young and it is never too late.
Now I know I've been trolled, even all govt programs helping unemployed and what not are only for people bellow 30 years old.
>>16994972
>Why did you even got the idea she didnt love me, she supported me trough all this time and she could just leave me behind if she wanted.
Loving someone and living with them / feeding and taking care of their material needs are different things.
It sounded a lot like she didn't care emotionally about you to me. (Lots of changing schools, no real support for being bullied, no standing her ground to your teachers, and anyone else who told her theres something wrong with you, etc)
You do sound like your only problem is the lack of confidence, so why wasn't she always on your side standing up to you? Giving you some confidence?
Well sorry if I was wrong.
The advice will still be the same though.
Read a lot about human psychology and reflect everything you've learned on your life and past. And all of the other stuff. Love yourself, etc
Anyway, all Freud thing aside, any way someone like me can even find his place in life.
I dont even mean friends or lover, just the ability to support myself.
I have no chance at good work, at least the one that will pay for the flat and thats not counting food, clothes and everything else.
No work skills and absolutely no way I can function among people.
The fuck do I do.
>>16995006
Fix yourself. Start being a normal person. I told you how.
Move away to somewhere were there ARE jobs and start functioning as a human. It's a lot easier and nicer to live life as a human in the environment he was designed for.
>>16995013
So, this is how things work in this country, there are jobs for people with speciality, there are no well paying jobs for people like me who never worked a day, who spend 1/3 of their live in a single room and have no profession or skills.
All they can offer me are jobs that would be a trap because they would trap me in a place with no perspective for salary way too low to support myself on a level above "mere existence" or unpaid internships.
I got once in a talk with my neighbour (went to a doc and got caught in the doorway) he just said that expecting minimal wage of $450 from my side is entitlement and for beginning I should realistically settle for something like $100 on a job that offers no perspective or carrier path and would take up all my time because thats what he did back in the days and I should do that because I have no job anyway so cant complain.
I am no citizen of EU so I cant go to France, UK, Germany or anywhere where minimal wage is much higher and I would be able to support myself.
I cant go anywhere from this village because here I at least have where to live, somewhere else getting minimal wage of $450 I would not be able to rent a flat and support myself.
And I noted minimal wage here, a people like me will get a fraction of it.
Employers have tricks to ensure that you will make a fraction of it within confines of the law.
Something they trying to outlaw now because its been abused so much but still, even minimal wage will not be enough to go somewhere else.
