I'm having an issue that's so ridiculous that I'm even ashamed to admit it. I'm sure all I need is for somebody to tell me like it is, so here goes:
I come from a shaky background: I was never starving or homeless or anything like that, and I had a very strong and supportive extended family, but my home life was somewhat messy. During my younger childhood years, I used to feel like nobody noticed me, but then I started take note that people reacted when I got good grades. It didn't take much more effort for me than just doing my homework, but the attention meant something.
By the time I got to high school, though, this developed into a trend where I would become almost depressed unless I got validation that I was 'the best in the class.' I did end up graduating valedictorian, but after doing so, I came to the conclusion (or at least I thought I did) that it didn't matter anymore, and that when I got to college, I could let go of my unrealistic need to always be number one.
Fast-forward a few months to college: I still went to class, but I stopped caring. I didn't do anything crazy like party all the time, but I did do some things that were pretty stupid in hindsight. For example, I fought to keep a relationship with my high school girlfriend freshman year, proposed to her at the beginning of sophomore year, fought with her through sophomore year, and then got dumped at the beginning of junior year. I also allowed myself to slip into bad habits like neglecting to study and sleep because I would stay up playing games and working on projects related to my area of study (but were completely unrelated to my courses). When it came to actual school work, I made plenty of careless mistakes, but I ultimately didn't do anything more than allow myself to feel bad about it.
>cont
>cont
Jesus fuck man was that long ass post not enough?
>>16958174
Will this end in the op wanting to bang his mom or something.
>>16958174
Fast-forward to now: I'm about to graduate college. I did okay, but I certainly wasn't number one--my GPA is about 3.85, and I'm going into a competitive Master's program next year with generous funding--and I thought I was okay with that.
Today, I saw on my Facebook feed that my university chose its valedictorian. I immediately felt like shit. I felt like shit because I immediately recognized that I could have not wasted my time on a relationship bound to fail; I could have not spent so much time working on unrelated projects; I could have actually put time into studying for tests; I could have actually slept like a normal human being. Had I done those things, I could have also had a 4.0, and I would have had a shot at being recognized as number one. Even more, I feel like shit because I'm realizing that, this whole time, I did still care about being number one, and I just let it slip past me.
As a result of all this, I'm beginning to panic: is this going to be my whole life? Being at least subconsciously aware of my goals while consciously fucking them up? I know that this kind of thinking is unhealthy and destructive, but I just feel like a complete idiot.
Will somebody PLEASE just slap my shit?
>>16958188
Sorry about that; also using this thread as an opportunity to vent.
>>16958203
Two things son.
Learn modesty and don't let your drive die.
These two things will propel you inadvertently to great heights and require neither recognition nor arbitrary numbers
>>16958260
To me, this feels like the thing to do.
The biggest challenge for me, though, and I don't know why I am this way, is that I feel threatened by all of this. It almost feels like I need some number or distinction to let people think I'm the smartest person they know so that I can be worth something.
Allow me to ask an incredibly silly question: how do I learn modesty? I can feign modesty with my words and my outward actions, but it definitely seems like I'm dealing with the internal recoil of somebody who isn't really modest when I think about the situation.
>>16958323
That feeling is your drive. Don't lay off the throttle, just learn to keep your steering steady.
As with most things in life, you learn by doing.
One of the better relationships in life are where both parties try to give more than they take. So don't take credit every once in awhile. Let others have their time in the sun. Keep quiet when you could've opened your mouth.
But don't lay off that throttle. Whether you're honking the horn or not, you'll still be cruising past the traffic.
>>16958368
Thanks, anon. This really helps put things into perspective.
I definitely like what you said about letting others have their time in the sun. You're definitely right that I can be successful and do important things while also letting other people have a chance to be noticed too. Whether or not it's me or the other guy receiving the medal, I still have an entire life ahead of me in a world bigger than this school to prove myself.
>>16958323
>It almost feels like I need some number or distinction to let people think I'm the smartest person they know so that I can be worth something.
This is insecurity.
>how do I learn modesty?
The root of modesty is security and confidence.
You need to start by developing a feeling of self-esteem independent of outside validation. You need to feel confidence in your own abilities, conviction that you can show them when it matters, and indifference to whether anyone else also knows. The problem, and I want to be totally upfront about this, is that >>16958368 is essentially right in that your insecurity is also your drive. There's a reason that most people who achieve very largely are somehow fucked up — either obsessive or insecure. Obsession is more common in athletics, insecurity is more common when it comes to fame and wealth. Therefore attaining modesty and self-confidence WILL cost you a great deal of your drive. There's no two ways about it.
HOWEVER, an insecure billionaire is still insecure and feels like shit. Look at that Saudi billionaire who keeps writing angry letters to Forbes for putting him lower on the rich-list than he wants to be. That guy's still burning up that he isn't number one. On the other hand, zen monks are the happiest people in the world. They have practically nothing, but they have root. So losing your drive won't be a terrible thing.
>>16958417
There's definitely truth here too. I'd probably say you're right in that this whole thing is due to insecurity.
I'd say that my drive right now is definitely self-centered in that I want to do important things (noticing this, though, I'm noticing that being valedictorian isn't so important either) at least partially so I can be noticed for them. Taking your advice, I think the way to go would be change my goal to be something a little more constructive than recognition.
>>16958449
>I'm noticing that being valedictorian isn't so important either
Correct. "Important things" is a way for you to rationalize your craving for validation, but you're able to see though this when you examine your past — the valedictorian title is not important by any means, solely rewarding academic performance with recognition.
>I think the way to go would be change my goal to be something a little more constructive than recognition.
I agree that this is a good thing. It would be a definite improvement. It won't settle your essential problem, but you may be able to find contentment and more satisfying validation, not based in others' evaluations. This in turn can be a path to real self-esteem.
>>16958486
Thanks again for all of your input, kind anon!
>>16958203
First half I thought
"This kid has insight, good for him!!!"
Second half was like ... For real???
Look some people just are geniuses many are pushed by a need for love and work themselves to the neglect of life.
Be happy you lived.
You can be old and read books. Academics end up being very empty people when you look deep.
>>16958524
Wrong. We need academics and these people.
You wouldn't be alive today if some academic didn't accidentally discover penicillin. Or didn't accidentally discover pasteurization or a million other things you take for granted every day.
OP is a fag and if he doesn't outpace everyone else in his masters program
Stop being lazy faggot
>>16958545
Not saying we dont need them.
But there is a lot
Of illness and emptiness among the lives of many academics.
Besides the person who discovered penicillin wasn't also the best at everything - or valedictorian.
Its the type of focus on these scholastic achievements alone that can be draining.
>>16958573
They're all worthy sacrifices. Though their work, these people gained immortality. Did you?
>>16958560
This is also good advice in a way. Throughout my undergraduate education, I've known what I should be doing, but I never did it.
