>be me, grill
I've lived with my bf for a year, dated him for 18 months. I found out 6 months ago that he had skype sex with another girl the first week we were dating and chatted up dozens on tinder over the next 6mo until we moved in. Still unsure if he had sex with any of them. I consider it cheating. After I found out it made me ill, and I was so, so hurt. Tried to talk about it many times but he would kinda shut down, and that made me angry that he wouldn't be there for me emotionally when I was crying after dreaming about it, etc. Resentments built up quickly about dishes, chores, how he'd respond to me, often I'm be irrationally angry at something he said even though I knew he meant well. I've been a real bitch.
FFW to now; I broke up with him a month ago because we were miserable and he's moving out in a week. I'm having serious doubts about if I did the right thing. We do have many pleasant moments, and I realize the unpleasantness is caused by my anger that I have to let go of. I truly love him and don't want to lose him. I want to come up with a plan to make it work. Something like going to therapy once a week with him and individually too, meditating, and making a conscious effort to let go of my anger when it comes up. Ideas?
>>16955519
Note: He regrets cheating and cried a lot, got really angry at himself for doing it. He was so upset whenever I brought it up that he wasn't really able to comfort me.
Define "skype sex" for me, is that just like him being naked in front of a webcam?
I guess we just have markedly different opinions on what constitutes cheating but I understand that you personally felt this was a breach of trust.
I would give it some time honestly for you to calm down and him to think things through. If after 3 or so months you still genuinely miss him and want to give it another chance, go for it.
A main notion that appears multiple times in your writing is that you feel he should always be there to comfort you regardless of his own personal issues/baggage he may be dealing with.
You may need to lower your expectations for how much your partner will be at your beck and call, especially if you break down crying about this kind of thing often.
But yea, time apart is the best option. If you still both miss/love each other after 3 or so months, try again. Right now you are too distressed to analyze this situation logically though, and so you will likely make decisions you regret if you make them in the heat of the moment.
That's fucking stupid, just break up. Dude is on tinder right now.
>>16955533
yeah its when you masturbate with someone on skype
i can see why you think that. we started dating over the internet so it's pretty much cheating in my mind. I'd say flirting with another girl is basically cheating too, because it crosses that line, the one you agreed not to cross when you entered a monogamous relationship, so doesnt matter to me if the penis went in the vagoo or not its the violation of trust
i think you are absolutely right about waiting to decide. but for us, after 3 months it would be dead and over. i dont want to make the chances slimmer; us breaking up involves him moving 3 hours away and ill be in school full time working towards a 4.0. so if he moves out its kinda the kiss of death for our relationship.
i think you're right- i should definitely not rely on him to always be there when im sad. the issue was that he was essentially -never- there for me thru the whole process and i felt that i couldnt discuss it at all without making him cry/hurt himself.
>>16955541
It sounds like you've already largely made your decision. You feel he cheated on you and isn't there for you.
You want him to stay because you enjoy the comfort/complacency your happy relationship used to afford you and you want that back.
I wouldn't force the relationship just because you think the alternative might be worse. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders, you can probably do better than this guy.
My personal advice if the 3 month time window isn't acceptable is to break it off. I understand you aren't entirely comfortable with that option and so I would definitely get a second opinion as well as really think it out before you go through with it. That being said, sometimes you need to be forced out of your comfort zone to improve. Your comfort zone is being with this guy, but he isn't living up to the expectations you want your partner to.
Don't settle. You are too young and too smart for that. Good luck, chica.
>>16955523
>Note: He regrets cheating and cried a lot, got really angry at himself for doing it.
How did you find out? Because really, the only thing he probably regrets is that you know. He was pretty content fucking you over for at least half a year. That's 1/3 of your relationship where he's been less than faithful.
>Ideas?
Let him go. It's unfortunate that you still care about him, because he certainly wasn't thinking about you when he was talking to these other women.
>>16955541
>the issue was that he was essentially -never- there for me thru the whole process and i felt that i couldnt discuss it at all without making him cry/hurt himself.
You realize that's manipulation, right? Essentially turning the situation around so that YOU feel sorry for HIM and how much pain HE is currently in. The guy sounds like a nutter.
>>16955552
>>16955552
I think you are right; I -know- you are. The urge to hold on to him is pretty strong. I'm aware he's not the most suitable guy for me, and I'm okay with his faults when I think about the pain of not being with him. I'm unsure if I can move past them in the long term though. Sometimes I can; I just let it go and embrace him (metaphorically) with love. And those times are really precious to me; it's wonderful to love someone and know that you're also loved. I'd like it if it could feel like that all the time.
>>16955554
>>16955554
>You realize that's manipulation, right? Essentially turning the situation around so that YOU feel sorry for HIM and how much pain HE is currently in. The guy sounds like a nutter.
yeah, it's manipulation. not conscious though. he didn't do it knowingly- he had a tough childhood that's taught him some fucked up ways of coping with feelings. but he open to that concept and has made progress
Run and don't look back. My ex did similar things and when I finally found my spine, i broke up with him.
It took a while to move on but I finally met my fiancé and he taught me what true love is.
I can't stop thinking about it and I can't sleep ):
I don't want to lose him and I'm sad ): ):
>>16955598
Go take a long hot bath or maybe watch something on netflix for an hour.
Do something. ANYTHING. To take your mind off him for now. Re-read this thread in the morning and see if anything has changed about your opinion on the matter.
Shit, even browsing youtube aimlessly bouncing from video to video is better than just stewing on something you can't change right now.
>>16955617
thanks ill go shower ):
>>16955618
Hope you feel better in the morning, chica. Sorry all this is happening to you. Good luck.
What is 'the first week we were dating'? The first week you were officially a couple, or the first week during which you had any date whatsoever?
If it's the latter it seems unfair to get too mad before you were really dating.
Doesn't really matter that much though. If you are describing him as "pleasant" then there's not any hope. You could look past these indiscretions if you really loved this guy, but since you've already broken up with him you've already made it clear you don't like him enough to make it work.
You say yourself there was no communication, you were miserable, and he was an immature dick who didn't respect you. Based on that information why would breaking up have been a bad thing?
Relationships might be difficult sometimes but if you'd characterize it as 'miserable' and you've only been living together a year then it's not worth trying to keep it alive.
>>16955618
maybe post some pics while you are in there yeah ? ;)
>>16955621
The first week we were a couple. He formally asked me to be his girlfriend.
>We do have many pleasant moments
I described the happy moments we spent together as pleasant. They are more like "fulfilling" and make me feel a deep contentment.
??? I think you're taking the things I say very, very literally without consideration for the meaning behind the words and the larger picture.
>>16955617
I feel a little better now.
>>16955620
thank you, i appreciate it
>>16955623
lmao dead
