should i give my ex another chance? sometimes i feel like i dumped my ex unfairly. what do you guys think?
>date ex during the busiest year of college
>we were in the same classes and i guess he thought going to class together counted as "together time" (and a lot of times, he would skip class to finish other assignments)
>on weekends, he was often back to his home town due to his parents and friends
>we'd go on dates sometimes or just chill at his apartment, but this was maybe once a week
>he would text me but it would take him several hours to respond
>as a result, i didn't really see the point in dating him. felt neglected
i know he really likes me because
>liked me to a point that he was petrified around me and spilled all his spaghetti
>he told me he had a crush on me for 2 years
>asked for me back a couple times (but i rejected him after he asked to raincheck because of late assignments again)
>still talks to me once in a while, even suggested we move in together after grad
i liked him because
>similar taste/interests in stuff, same career path, and he's a very hard working yet silly/light-hearted kind of guy
>even though he was pretty disorganized, he had very good habits and was very diligent
>nice enough guy, would never raise his voice and was very gentle
>no history of drugs, in fact he's very fit and into being healthy like me
>also, one of the best looking guys i've dated
anything else i should take into account? also, it's been almost a year since we split.
>should i give my ex another chance?
Never.
>>16950171
i get that's the rule of thumb, but it's not like we didn't get along or fought all the time.
when i look back at it, i think how busy our school was and how he wasn't able to keep up with the work load on top of his other responsibilities is what caused the neglect.
is there something else i'm over seeing?
In my opinion, you did unfairly. Feeling neglected is really bad, but breaking up was too much.
Have you talked since then? If he is as great as you describe, he could've been claimed long ago.
And, dunno, isn't it a bit off to return to a person you dumped like this? Like "oh, I didn't end up with anyone after all, and now I suddenly miss you, so you have to get together with me"
If he is willing to give you a chance too, go for it, maybe?
Quite humorously, dumped a person I like for similarly stupid reason, still crushing over for two years. He hasn't forgiven me.
>>16950182
What you're missing is that relationships are based on dependability. That's the whole point of commitment. Regardless of why the relationship ended, it did. You guys walked away from a commitment. It's beyond stupid to think that you can somehow build dependability again atop that history.
>>16950213
Not OP, but if there was a reason, like going away for a long time and not wanting to be a burden?
Does it make it a little more justifiable?
>>16950195
yeah, we'll still run into each other sometimes and chit chat. he's still very touchy with me and seems to want to keep conversing. i would be the one that cuts our conversations short and avoid physical contact. (explained later down this post...) he'll also hit me up on facebook, and like i wrote up in the op, he asked me if i would move in with him. i didn't give him a real answer (just told him "lol") because well...
i'm dating someone else currently but i can't help but think about my ex. my ex knows about him already, but he still talks to me. my current isn't very interested in my life and i found i was the one who had to cater to him and constantly give him my attention. i feel very drained from his neediness.
it's funny, since it was after i started dating my current that i started to reflect about how i acted and realized i probably made a mistake with breaking up with my ex. yeah i'm really slow...
>>16950213
so you're saying because i bailed, the relationship is doomed to not work out because he'll never be able to depend on me?
>sometimes i feel like i dumped my ex unfairly. what do you guys think?
that's not a thing.
>>16950245
Not that person, I think if a guy still insanely likes you (which is not healthy or good for him, actually), he would disregard that rule in desperation or affection.
One more chance should be acceptable. But not two or three.
>>16950245
>so you're saying because i bailed, the relationship is doomed to not work out because he'll never be able to depend on me?
Bullshit. You've changed so I'd say try again. There are things that ruin a relationship forever but you've not done one of them.
>>16950316
Not OP, I guess it works a fixed amount of times?
>>16950287
>>16950278
well... it's not like i wasn't a good girlfriend. when we were together, i would do my best to help him organize his schedule and get on top of his school work. i also made him lunch and stuff and was loyal for the most part.
i guess another reason why i felt neglected was because i felt like i put in more effort into our relationship than he had. but his reasons were justified and i just couldn't see it at the time.
>>16950316
>>16950327
well ok, thanks. it's not like a habit of mine to break up with someone only to ask for them back. he knew i was unhappy, but i guess he couldnt do anything about it at the time without having to neglect his school work and responsibilities at home and his friends whom he rarely gets to see.
Neglected once, took for granted, will do again...
btw best looking guys are the biggest assholes often too
>>16950391
well actually i kind of thought that too... thought he took me for granted and figured because he's a good looking guy, he probably thought he could get away with it. (ahh, now it's all coming back...)
but i also remember when i broke up with him during the summer (over the phone because he was at his home town and i didn't know when i'll be able to see him in person again) i distinctly remember his voice breaking/shaking while saying "okay"
at the time, i also said "maybe we can try again once school starts up in september" and he asked to try again exactly in september. only to be raincheck'd because holy hell, he's bad at juggling school responsibilities...
but this kind of made me mad, thinking he was "playing" with me. but he kept talking to me, and then about a month ago asked if i would move in with him after grad and stuff.
i don't know what to think.
Just btw:
Neglected you for reasons "justified" - NO, it´s not justified. That´s it.
Knew you were uneasy and didn´t set it right - Not okay.
Returning into a relationship that didn´t end happily (i.e. it ended) is always a mistake
>>16950429
but it's not like his world should revolve around me... i mean i guess it would've been preventable if he was more organized. but a lot of people struggled that year (i was one of the more collected/responsible ones who survived it easily)
and his parents are very strict on him and he kind of acts like a second dad in his house to take care of his baby sister along with other home responsibilities while they're at work. he doesn't really have friends at our school, so he does his best to keep in touch with the friends he has back at home since he has to go back all the time anyway.
yeah he knew i was unhappy... but he tried to make up for it by... texting a little bit more. and making phone calls to make it up for me. (and unfortunately for him, the phone call with me turned out to be our break up.)
well now i feel kind of bad and needy. but i'm also not sure if i was selling myself short...
>>16950486
I hear you on justified reasons, but will that same type of reason come up again and again? My husband ignores me when he's super focused on a project. But if he stops to make a sandwich, guess what, he makes one for me, too. He respects that I have crazy busy deadlines sometimes too. It isn't that you felt neglected for a project--you were neglected. Always. His priority was him. Don't let yourself fall back unless you had some truly great times that are sure to repeat.
>>16950507
i guess you have a point... he could've tried harder if he really wanted to keep me around. i do remember him picking me up for school and driving me home when he could though. i was always grateful for that, especially during winter.
and we had good times together but i guess i can't really think of any "great" times. i suppose if we had more time to spend together, there could've been "great" times though, but we never really did in the 8 months or so we were together.
this would've been easier if i knew he didn't care about me and was a total asshole or something.
>>16950556
He did school. He went home to friends and family.
Why couldn't he stay a weekend to be with you? Why couldn't he take you with him?
>>16950576
he had obligations and responsibilities to fulfil at home. a lot of it is chores, babysitting, and making lunch/dinner. while that, i'm sure he had a few hours in the evening to hang out with his friends for some video games after his chores are done. if i had come with him, i'd have to meet his family (who disapproves of him dating because they think he isn't studying hard otherwise) and probably be watching him go "maid mode" and meet his friends whom i have no affiliation with. the entire point of meeting him there would be moot, since i basically just want time with him alone.
also, it's usually a whole weekend deal, so it'd be a pain for him to drive me back after a day or incredibly awkward and disapproved upon to sleep over at his family's home.
he mostly listens to his parents since they're paying his tuition... so he can't bail on his responsibilities.
>>16950615
You've dodged a bullet. Keep dodging it.
>>16950624
what makes you think so? i just keep feeling more and more like i should've been more understanding...
The general vibe of the replies seem to stem from bitter women or men who pined over an ex but we're never given another chance.
Yes it can work again. However most people get back together too soon. There needs to be a period of change within you both to make it work or else your just both going to be in the same situation with the same habits.
We're all entitled to our mistakes and we need to make them before we learn. It doesn't sound like there's any bitterness between you both which is good, most people turn petty and sour towards their ex's for little reason other than a dented ego.
Make a genuine effort with who your with now, if it doesn't pan out then consider getting in touch with your ex to properly talk.
>>16950683
thanks anon, i think that's some great advice. i still have school, and will be graduating in april... it's probably for the best that i get school out of the way so the same problem won't re-occur and make me doubt myself again lol
again, thank you!
If you left this guy and you think you think you might have done him worng, how do you think he feels? What makes you think he even wants you back?
