How to deal with a girls lack of sexuality? I've been dating this person for 4 years, living together for 3.5 now and we don't really have sex all that often. I keep trying to talk with her and she keeps saying she doesn't know why she's like this and always becomes upset when I bring it up, making her feel like it's her fault and she simply says she tries to get herself turned on, but isn't even able to think about it.
It doesn't look like she has depression or is tired of me, since she's always keen on doing everything, except sex or anything sexual. We can spend many hours hugging, cuddling, kissing and so on, but whenever I try to go one step further, she recoils. We spend the entire day talking about everything and anything and it has been easy to do so for the entire relationship. There are no problems in any other aspect, except intimacy and sex.
The thing is, there was this period once when she was crazy horny for sex. So much that she mounted me multiples times during a few nights. The problem is that during that period I was taking some meds and my libido was horrible, dropping to a complete zero eventually. I didn't want any sex at all and I kept rejecting her. I was even abit angry at her, because I always wanted sex and it felt like she did it on purpose on the worst moment possible. We couldn't even go out properly, because she kept going at me even in public. She was massively horny a few times, practically begging for sex, trying to pin me down but I felt completely void of the feeling and couldn't get it up and she got VERY upset after that. Almost two years later and it has been the driest period we have ever had.
I'm losing my mind thinking about that time, because it feels it will never ever happen again.
>>16930177
Spice things up and get a dildo.
>>16930190
> spice things up
How exactly?
> Get a dildo
I've actually suggested her getting one. If anything I've talked with her about it so many times, but she says it makes her feel disgusted to even think about using it. Wanted to get her those clit stimulating little things, but she also said that she has her own or my fingers for that.
>>16930177
Do you suck at it? I mean seriously, be honest with yourself now. We went through a similar dry period where my own suckiness was a factor, I didn't reciprocate oral and had duration issues frequently enough for it to kill the spark. We talked it out, I made an effort to get back to the same form I had at the start of the relationship and things have been better ever since.
Other possibilities:
- She is depressed. Being enthusiastic around people you care about doesn't mean you're not depressed, that's actually how so many cases stay hidden in the first place.
- She is on medication you don't know about. Lots of pills can kill your sex drive and she could just be too embarrassed about something to tell you about it, possibly even the aforementioned depression. You live together so this seems less likely but if you don't spend every second together it is possible.
- There is too much pressure surrounding sex in the relationship which makes her anxious and takes away the fun.
- She is a pod person building your anticipation so that you'll be too horny and easy to catch off guard when she decides to devour you.
>>16930239
It depends. when I get very horny and it has been a long time since we had sex, I have a hard time controlling myself and foreplay doesn't last as long as she might prefer. Those cases happen. Generally I think i'm good at foreplay when I do do it fully, considering how her body reacts. I'll talk about foreplay more in a reply post.
As far as sex duration goes, it also depends. I try to masturbate now to reduce the sexual tension and it has helped alot, but I only last on average ~8min. 15 if I get really lucky and concentrate.
Now for others :
> she's depressed
She was depressed before and was on meds before we met. She was going off them when we met and stopped completely about 1 year into our relationship. We talk about depression and our feelings alot, considering both of our families had bad history with this thing and I personally was hospitalized in my youth.
> she is on medication you don't know about
I can safely say 100% she isn't. She has had some very embarrassing problems that completely outshine depression and she was always upfront about every single one, basically stating that she had the problems from the second she had them.
> You live together so this seems less likely but if you don't spend every second together it is possible.
Here's the thing. We do spend together almost 24/7, unless we are working. We simply enjoy it. Be it spending together alone or with mutual friends.
> There is too much pressure surrounding sex in the relationship which makes her anxious and takes away the fun.
this is the thing I wonder about. At one point she did say she feels preassured to have sex, but that was before her going "crazy" about it. I really tried my best to not preassure her. and when I do, she instantly tells me upfront "You're preassuring me". right now, it happens very rarely.
> She is a pod person building your anticipation so that you'll be too horny and easy to catch off guard when she decides to devour you.
Elaborate.
>>16930291
Do you switch positions? That can help a lot with longevity, especially if you're in one where she does a lot of the work. I'd put money on the pressure being the issue now but making the sex that does happen better doesn't hurt.
>>16930291
Adding on the foreplay :
Foreplay is a very tricky thing to begin with. The problem is when we cuddle, we start kissing alot and it can lead to sex. Kissing is something she loves doing, but when things go towards touching her breasts, moving down her pants is where it becomes a problem. She says most of the time she feels this electricity going though her, that's very uncomfortable. It's as if the body is too sensitive and any physical contact is just uncomfortable.
If we do get past that and she does feel comfortable, she never said that I do something bad during foreplay on a technical level. Her body reacts very very well to almost all foreplay UNLESS she's abit drunk. Then foreplay is pointless, because she says she can never, ever reach an orgasm. Even if she does it herself.
I used to do alot of oral, but she always felt bad about it. Basically she thinks that she's disgusting there and that a man shouldn't pleassure a woman with his mouth, because it's degrading for him. It's a very weird thing, but makes me giving her oral very very rare.
>>16930177
Break up with her. You have sexual needs she can't fulfill. You aer a human being and sex, food, air, and shelter are all your most basic needs. Maslow's hierarchy.
If she isn't sexually compatible, don't stay with her. Its not fair to either of you.
>>16930297
We change positions quite abit. The thing is it doesn't feel like there's problem when we do get heatted up. During foreplay, we have this never discussed and unspoken "rule", that she opens up her legs and lifts them up slightly, which means I need to go in. Our sex positions can either change only a few times, or many times during the time. Same for the location. And it's never just me doing the work. She has expressed the fact multiple times that she LOVES being ontop.
Again, when we DO get to the whole sex part, everything is great. The problem is getting back there after it. I did notice that she has a problem remembering emotions. She forgets that somekind of thing she does makes her feel sad, hurt, happy and she might repeat them blindly. It's very hard for her to recall how exactly she felt during some periods.
Asking her about how she felt during X time, she becomes visibly confused and usually doesn't know how to respond.
>>16930177
The only thing I can think of is that she seeks your attentions and since you give it to her cuddling, kissing and initiating sex she doesn't feel the need to step things up and actually have sex with you.
Try to be a shittier boyfriend. Be less affectionate and don't show her you want her that much. See how she reacts.
>>16930317
> break up with her
Definantly not. We have every single other thing going for us. I can't name a single negative aspect that she has besides the sexuality part. Everything, from how our relationship started, to how it progressed to how it is now is perfect. Even our fights are great.
The only major thing is the sex, but it's not like she led me on with it. She was a virgin when we met and it took quite a long time to get anywhere sexual with her, so I sort of knew we'll have this problem to some degree.
>>16930339
I've actually tried that for a couple weeks. I barely showed her any intimate attention. We still did everything together, but I was completely cold to her in anything else. Rejecting cuddles, kissing and everything like that.
She instantly knew something was up and kept asking if there's something on my mind, if I feel bad, if she hurt me in some way, if I'm having a bad week and so on. I said I just don't feel like it. Made her feel very bad, because she thought I was hiding something from her, or shouldering something big.
She came up to me crying one evening, saying that she knows something is wrong, that I have something heavy on my mind and she wants to help. I broke and told her why I did it. Then she ended up feeling miserable for a few weeks, kept apologizing for not being able to turn herself on and for not satisfying me.
She also tried very much to be more intimate and initiate things on her own after that, giving alot of head, having sex whenever I wanted to. But it felt extremely forced and that she purely did it so that I feel satisfied and not because she wanted to. It wasn't a great experience overall.
