Sup guys, I always come to 4chan when going through personal issues, and most of the time you guys actually give me some great advice. So today, I got another girl problem. Wooooo
Met this chick on tinder late December, just after Christmas. She's a hardcore memer, plays video games I like, is funny, and cute as fuck. She's just pleasant and we have a lot of common interests. When we first started hanging out, I was just getting over a break up, and told her up front I'm not looking for a relationship right now, so we would just hook up and hang out.
After a few times we've hooked up, she texts me and asks about us, and pretty much wanted to know if we were dating, same answer as before, she didn't seem to mind much. But we kept hanging out, and after a couple of weeks, I realized I liked her a lot, and I told her that I was hoping we could possibly still become an exclusive relationship. She was very happy about it, and told me the night we were texting and I said I wasn't interested, she almost got really mad at me, but waited it out because she liked me.
We officially were dating as of Valentine's day. Last weekend, we were hanging out, and I fucked up badly. When I'm with girls, I'm always very open about how I feel, and I get comfortable very fast. I fell for this girl hard, and I told her I loved her, we've known each other for 3 months.
To soften the cringe for you guys, you have to know she's told me some very intimate things. She's been with other guys, has had sex before, the average stuff for a girl. She's told me I bring out a feeling in her that she's never felt before. She's only dated drug addicts and sketchy fuckers, and this was confirmed to me by her parents, who also really like me because I'm not a sketchy fucker or a drug dealer. So even though I did drop a pretty big bomb, she's told me things very similar, and even though it was a mistake, I took the jump and hoped it would be ok.
I told her it's ok if she didn't feel the same way, and that I just felt the need to tell her because she's honestly the best relationship I've had with a girl. She told me it was ok, and I didn't do anything wrong. She told me she understands you can't choose how fast you feel things, and we kept hanging out. We even started fucking around, and almost had sex that night, but we were afraid of waking up her parents who were upstairs. So everything was seemingly fine even after I dropped the bomb.
4 days pass. She keeps being short with me. "Wanna hang out" is met with a "no, busy". We hung out a lot, but I wasn't freaking out cause we're both in college, I know she isn't free all the time, it's common sense. What is weird is that she's being short, and isn't talking to me at all like she normally would, even if we weren't hanging out.
She likes all the Mario and Luigi RPG games, so I bought her Paper Jam and asked if I could just drop it off to her with my old 3DS as a surprise for her. "Busy tonight, maybe tomorrow," "I'm not home, tomorrow," "yeah just do it tomorrow." It was obvious that a mixture of that, and her not talking to me was a bad sign.
I asked her if everything was ok, she said no. She then told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to be in a relationship. I got really anxious and scared, and was trying to talk to her and find out why. She told me I was taking this way too seriously and told me we'll talk about it later.
I don't think my reaction was unfair. We were doing fine, and even with me making it that mistake, she told me she understood and it was ok, and even when we were texting she told me I didn't do anything wrong. But it had been days without talking to me, and then without any hints she dropped that on me.
Next day I'm anxious as fuck. Me and some homies go to a skate park, but I end up just sitting down cause I'm too anxious and scared and can't stop thinking of her. She calls me, and breaks up with me over the phone. I wouldn't accept it though. I've been rejected and broken up with before, but this was the first time I've felt the urge to not give up on her, I really fucking like her.
In short, she told me I was taking the relationship too seriously, and the fact I told her I loved her made her uncomfortable. I told her that it's totally fair if that's how she feels, and that we can take things slow, I told her I'm willing to try and make it work. But she said that's "not how she works" and that she can't be with me knowing how I really feel. When I tried talking to her she got more and more upset, and told me she had already made up her mind.
Its been 2 days, haven't talked to her since, I'm afraid of only making her more angry. I messaged her gay best friend and told him everything that happened, he seems like a total bro and told me he's gonna try talking to her. Idk when that's gonna happen though.
I honestly think she's just scared to open up. She had anxiety problems, and she's in NA right now for substance abuse, and she attempted suicide a bit before we started talking. Every person she's dated was a shit head, and I honestly think she's just afraid of opening up and being hurt by someone again. I don't believe we could've gone from being so fine to her leaving me so quickly, it doesn't make sense.
Maybe I'm just grasping at straws though, I just know I don't want to give up on her. What do you think guys? Any advice?
bump, im desperate here guys.
Sounds like you wanted different things out of the relationship.
You can't force someone to want the same things you do and this is just a warning to you that in your next relationship you should be clear from the beginning about what the relationship is for both of you so you can avoid feeling like this again.
Sounds pretty shitty but that's just the reality of it. Try and move on and find someone who wants the same as you want out of a relationship.
>>16937717
it just didn't feel that way to me. She's told me the exact quote "you're everything that I could ever want and more" and would try as much as she could to see me. Maybe I'm just delusional, but why would someone say that kind of stuff to someone's face if they didn't want that kind of relationship?
>>16937724
Maybe her sudden change of thought could have been influenced by someone close to her who doesn't want you two to be together. To have a sudden change of thought like that most people would have to be given new information that re-contextualizes the situation.
>>16937728
I'm not doubting what you're saying, I'm just wondering who. I know for a fact that her friends liked me, all besides one who I never actually met, and her parents really liked me as well. I'm not trying to say I am a perfect guy, I'm asking for help on an anonymous message board, I just don't see why anyone would tell her that kind of stuff.
That and I don't know why she would avoid me either instead of trying to talk to me, thats what hurts the most, I never even got the chance to try and change.
>>16937730
Maybe the substance abuse lead to her making irrational decisions? Just speculating but it seems a plausible explanation.
>>16937739
to my knowledge, and Im confident in saying this, she hasn't touched any substances as of late. I'm not sure why they would affect the situation, because I'm pretty much the only guy shes dated who isn't a fuck up and have serious addictions.
Honestly, from what I've read, it's looks like you've dodged a bullet.
She has a shit ton of baggage that you'd have had to deal with for ever.
I know it hurts like fuck now but you'll look back at this and be thankful you're out of this mess.
Also, never text her friends or family looking for support, they generally circle the wagons and you get made out to be needy and desperate. That'll only piss her off more.
Good luck OP
>>16937740
This right here should have alarm bells screaming at you.
>>16937752
this is the same response I've gotten from my friends when I explained to them what happened. I'm not disagreeing that she had baggage and it would be a pain, but I'm honestly so fucking willing to put up with it.
This girl is the best relationship I've ever had, within 3 months I wasn't just dating a girl, I was dating a best friend. I've dealt with being rejected and broken up with, but this was the first time I've ever felt the need to just not give up on her, but I just don't know what to do.
Since she never gave me the chance to try, I haven't felt any closure, and it keeps making my mind wander. All I want is to talk to her, but I don't know how I would do it, or how to get over it.
doing another shameless bump.
Is it because you look up porn of kids Pixar films?
>>16937784
i googled sadness and just posted this in the hopes of getting more attention to the thread.
that being said I've gotten off to a wide variety of porn as well.
>>16937704
It was her sponsor. If she's in NA then she's got a sponsor, and I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts that her sponsor told her that she's not at a place in her sobriety where a relationship is possible. I think it's bullshit, but that's what those 12 step programs do.
>>16937793
i honestly didn't think about this, that makes a lot of sense. The night I told her I loved her, she said the only reason she didn't want to say it back was because she wasn't "Mentally ready", and then within 4 days everything changed on her end magically.
I'm willing to accept that maybe I can't have this girl right now, but what do I do from here? How do I keep her in my life? She's already un added me on Facebook, and most likely deleted my number. I just want to fucking see her man,
Why the fuck do people keep using tinder thinking a real relationship will come out of it like holy shit every women on there is a hoe that just wants to use you
>>16937825
every woman in the world is a hoe and just wants to use you.
also us meeting on tinder was just us meeting, how people meet doesn't really fucking matter LOL
>>16937826
Tinder will give you nothing real! I'm sick of seeing the (I lost the girl I met on tinder threads) everyday. When will you people learn
>>16937829
I'm not gonna get in an argument over this because its pretty fucking pointless tbqhfamily. I could've started the story without how we met, and then you might actually try to help me.
I'm a human being man, i know this site lets you get away with saying nigger and being a fucker, but all I did was ask for advice, just simply don't look at the thread.
>>16937834
Okay then here's the advice you want, she's made up her mind leave her alone cause if she's blocked you that will just make you a stalker so get someone who knows her to talk for you. Can't be any more simple
>>16937839
see now we're getting somewhere. Who do I get to talk to her? Ive already tried one friend, and he just told me in short "yeah i think its over" when he said he talked to her, which I feel like was probably a lie because he didn't tell me anything about the conversation.
I keep telling myself its a bad idea, my friends have told me its a bad idea when I said it, but a part of me wants to contact her parents. Shes probably made them hate me by now, but they genuinely really fucking liked me, and I think they're really the only people I could go to.
Problem is, me doing that is extremely pushing the limit, and for all I know her parents fucking hate me. I think its easy for that plan to backfire, but idk, I'm here for advice.
How do i go about finding someone to talk to her?
>>16937852
Literally anyone that's close friends with her but like I said it just gonna look like stalking an desperation
>>16937857
doesn't sound like you're confident in the idea, so why are you giving me the advice? If you think im a fucking idiot its chill dude I know I am, but literally all I wanted was help LMAO
>>16937861
Ok. This is the only advice I can give you in this situation.
She wasn't into you the same way that you were into her. She's unfriended you on social media. She's blocked your number so she wants no contact with you.
If you try to circumvent what she's done and try to use he friends or family to contact her on your behalf then any feelings she had left for you will be gone.
She'll end up resenting then hating you.
You have to leave her alone. I know that's not what you want to hear but it's the only way. Delete her number and try to move on with your life. She has made it totally clear you are not what she wants so stop pursuing her.
Try to fill your day with other things, see friends and family, maybe go to the gym or go running, it'll help you deal with the anxiety.
It's time to move on little man, also here's a thing from Senpai - Avoid craycray, they might be really darn seducing and all, but geez the problems that comes after.
Also you dont know what love is silly, now go hang with your friends.
>>16937877
This
>>16937704
Deal with it.
>>16937877
>>16937898
she's unadded me, and she didn't block my number, but I do agree me trying to contact her friends and family will almost certainly make my situation worse. I also understand that I probably shouldn't try to keep seeing her, and I'm only continuing to hurt myself.
But as edgy as it is to say, I can't stop trying. I might just have a social problem and its being showcased here, but I can't stop thinking about her leaving me, and trying to get her back. This feeling of not giving up has never been felt by me before. I've been rejected by like 12 girls, I've had a girlfriend dump me after 8 months of dating 2 days before Christmas, but I've never felt this urge to keep trying. If this is the only advice you guys can give me, I understand, but please try to imagine being in my stupid faggoty shoes.
>>16937904
TRU FAMILY B)
I know I'm always gonna get troll responses, still fucking sucks to read them though.
>>16937906
She doesn't want to be with you. It doesn't matter what you want, you can't force someone to love you.
No one in their right mind is going to tell you what you want to hear, there is no reassurance here, she's made her mind up.
OP, I've been in a similar situation.
You've emotionally invested too much into this girl.
Jump ship now. You will feel better eventually and emerge a greater person.
>>16937910
I'm never said she did love me, not a single time. But exact quotes from her "You are everything I want and so much more" "you bring out a feeling in me no one ever has before". Those are some fucking sentimental things to say to someone else, and while that probably doesn't change your mind, you have to at least understand that shes told me these things in person, after long nights of us hanging out together. Don't try and flip to make me some fucking asshole, I'm desperate, I'm asking for help, but my response is fucking fair.
>>16937927
damn man it really is a hard thing for me to do. I got over my 8 month relationship in less than a week cause I thought to myself "o well, this sucks, but now new doors are open and I can hook up with any girl I want," and I did, and I got over it. But with this, I didn't feel a bright side, I just felt betrayed I guess.
I literally don't want to hook up with other girls, I just want her. I've been hanging out with my friends a lot, skating, playing video games, smoking weed, drinking, literally nothing is fun. Everything I do just somehow reminds me of her and then I get put in a shitty mood, I've never had this happen to me before.
I know you don't want me to do this to myself, but I really want to try. I'm asking for advice on how to get this girl back, but if you can't give me that, how do I get over her? I haven't slept all day over this, shes always on my mind.
OP I had the same issue just stop caring you will be better off. Chicks with problems just are not worth it, they are too crazy to know what they want. The most you can do for this girl is just leave now, besides you already stopped her issues, she is just gonna go get with some other shittier anon now, that is what mine did.
>>16937704
I'm no expert but I think it just boils down to this : either you two didn't feel exactly the same way and you went too far too fast saying "I love you", either she had similar feelings but because of her past baggage, trust issues or whatever it is, she ran away when she realized how you felt and the implications of that.
What I would say reading all this, is that you don't really have anything to beat yourself up about here. You were given signals that she liked you more than a little bit.
You shouldn't feel bad for telling her how you feel, maybe you misjudged the situation (or maybe it's her), but either way there weren't grounds for a solid relationship later on. It's normal if it suck right now, but how much harder would it have been to carry on dating with you holding these words in and her not necessarily feeling the same ? It's better to know and then you can move on.
I don't think you have the right mindset about all this when you say "I fucked up", because I'm not sure you did fuck up. I think you were honest and open about your feelings, and they simply weren't exactly the same on the other end, or that person wasn't worth such feelings to begin with. No need to feel bitter about it either, we see this all the time, so don't let it eat you alive.
>>16937948
Firstly, thank you anon for being respectful and honest, even if it was hard to do. To be honest with you, me telling her how I feel isn't what is eating me up so badly. It's the fact that this decision was made by her alone, after 4 days of not speaking to me. Usually in a relationship, people talk through their problems and try to fix things, but I wasn't given that chance of trying to fix anything, I was just cut short. That is what's fucking me up. I can't get any closure, because there still feels like something can be done. I do honestly think she was just scared of opening up, because of her past relationships, which once again were confirmed to me by her PARENTS, they wouldn't lie to me about that shit.
I know, it would probably be worse if we got back together because of all the potential problems and baggage, but I like this girl so much that I'm extremely willing to take the dive and possibly end up being more hurt, I just don't know how to go about it.
>>16937947
The idea of her getting with someone else actually hurts me mentally. It makes me fucking cringe, and I know I'm being a drama queen edgy teen, but its true. I hate the idea of her being with a dude worse than me even more, because despite all her problems and baggage, shes been through some serious shit, and she deserves a good guy. I'm not claiming to be a perfect person, but I would consider myself at least a good guy, decent at the bare minimum. Once again, I'm willing to deal with the baggage cause I like her that much.
Also apologies for your break up man, I hate this shit with a passion.
>>16937958
Its bound to happen, you probably didnt have any real feelings for her but pity, so you may as well end your emotions over her now before she starts making you pissed with bad decisions now that your out of her life.
>>16937958
>Firstly, thank you anon for being respectful and honest, even if it was hard to do. To be honest with you, me telling her how I feel isn't what is eating me up so badly. It's the fact that this decision was made by her alone, after 4 days of not speaking to me.
About that, and again that's just me, but in the past I would have easily taken that personally, and would have thought "she did that, it hurts ME, therefor it's now my burden", but I would invite you to consider things with a different point of view (if not right now, at least later on), namely that's a complete lack of respect on her behalf and a pretty shitty thing to do.
If you can't see what's worth fighting for and what's really just disrespectful, it's harder to figure out your next move.
Lastly, I'm not saying I can see what will happen or anything, but I encourage you to consider that maybe someone who treats you like this isn't someone who deserves such feelings from you. Not that feelings can be controlled just like that, but ask yourself if this isn't someone you're better off without.
>>16937970
I know thats what it sounds like on a surface level, but it was surely not pity. When we first started hanging out, I was getting over a break up, I just wanted to get with some girls no strings. But the more we hung out, the more I really started liking her man. Everything I put in the first post was true, we just clicked really well. Made the same type of jokes, liked the same types of games, liked the same shows, and even with all the things in common, she was genuinely fun to be around. To the point where I just wanted to see her all the time, and she has told me she felt the exact same way. It took time, but eventually we got on the same page before this shit happened, and its really messing with me.
>>16937976
No dude I totally understand where you're coming from. When we went to the skate park that day, we were going to meet up in person. I asked my friend if he'd mind taking me back to my car so I can drive and meet her, but he told me something very similar. How she was just being unfair with me and my schedule, and that I need to consider myself first in the situation. Thats why a phone call happened, cause when I told her I couldn't drive and asked for a ride, she just told me to call her.
This all being said, I do understand why everyone is telling me I'm better off without her, like I genuinely do, people are just after my best interest. But this is one of those defiant feelings I have, where even though I have people telling me what to do, I'm not gonna learn unless I dive in myself, and I'm sorry if that makes me a fucking idiot. I just want her so badly, my life was really good with her around and I always thought about her, now I never see her and she's still on my mind. It fucking sucks.
>>16937939
OP, I'm 18. I did this and it hurt. It hurts a lot and I know you want to keep trying. I wanted to keep trying as well. There was a point where I felt like utter shit because of it. Again, you've emotionally invested too much in this girl. Trying to make it work doesn't work. I know this upsets you, but you will look back on yourself, wonder what the fuck was wrong with you, and move on.
If you decide to actually move on:
You've already taken the right step. Want to know the secret to getting over her?
Just live normally. That's it. There's no secret. There's nothing that magically makes things a whole lot easier. I found that hanging with friends helped a bit, but just like you, a lot of stuff reminded me of her. And it hurt. But you have to press on, and when you finally pull yourself out of that hole, you feel a weight lift off your shoulders.
>>16937982
Was your life really good with her around or were you just happy to be in a relationship? Ask yourself if she was really worth it and if it was really her or being in a new relationship after breaking up.
>>16937993
I hate reading all these posts and knowing people are most likely right, it fucking kills dude. I feel like I will eventually accept this and move on, but its just weird how I got over a longer relationship in less time. I'm just stuck, and I know that most likely whatever I try to do she isn't gonna take me back anyway, and if she does we'll just break up again. But theres some dumbass in my head who just keeps telling me to try, and its the worst feeling.
>>16937994
Yes, I can answer this easily. My last break up, I immediately thought of everything negative I didn't have to deal with anymore, and all the positives that waited for me. But with this it was so much different. This girl is a lot more complex, sensitive, just so much more baggage than my last relationship, but when she ended it with me I wasn't relieved that I didn't have to deal with any of it anymore. Because truth be told, everytime I had to deal with it, I wasn't even too upset, because I would just remember that she was worth it to me.
I didn't even want a relationship to begin with, and I got sucked into one slowly over time. I don't honestly think I was just happy to have someone, because if I just wanted someone that shit would be easy, I date the girls that I really want.
>>16938005
The dumbass in your head is your humanly instincts telling you to find a mate and settle down. Believe me, if I had any sort of way to keep her, I would've taken it at the time; but now that I see how much I've bettered myself as a person, I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Look, man. At the end of the day it's your call. I wouldn't hate you or give you shit for picking either decision, but in my opinion, all signs point to you ending it here and preventing anymore pain. The quicker you end it, the less pain and sadness you'll experience after it.
A lesson to take from this is to never get this emotionally invested in women again.
Personally I've pretty much accepted that the only relationship to go after is one that naturally comes to you. If you start to fall for a girl really quick, you've done something wrong.
Best of luck to you, my friend. This part is the shittiest, but the payout after is great.
>>16938019
Mad respect for not shitting all over me for just saying how I feel, its hard to get actual advice man, so thank you. Whenever I start these threads, I usually kind of know where I'm going, but just throw it out there to see what other people think. I do think that you're right, I think what you're telling me is very much true, but I also think it's something I have to be certain of by my own mistake. I'll be honest, I'm probably not going to talk to her no matter how bad I want to, not because I have self control, but because I still have no idea how I'll go about it. But if i was given the opportunity I think I would take it in a heart beat, as dumb as it is.
Hopefully shit works out for me, and most likely I won't talk to her again and it'll all be for the better. I just better not come up with an idea, otherwise I'm probably gonna fuck myself over again.
>>16937880
This! Never stick your dick in crazy!
>>16938141
My dick never actually entered the crazy.
My fingers did, I regret not putting my dick in there. It seemed like a very comfortable place to be.
Wait a couple days and see of shell want u back if not forget her
>>16938183
I feel like no matter how she feels, she won't push herself to talk to me anymore, I think I have to make the first move. She already removed me from Facebook and Skype, the only social media I have now is Steam is she hasn't blocked my phone number.
I think the only reason I'm still on her steam is because she forgot my username, its fukt man.
Go where she lives and talk to her
>>16938198
Tell her how much I love her and how much she means to you
>>16938198
she already got pretty mad at me over the phone for just not accepting what happened, and even if her parents liked me at one point, the odds are that they dislike me now because of something she could've told them. Me going to her house is very very tempting, but I do think it might be the worst choice. It can potentially upset and jeapordize my chances with 3 people all at once.
>>16938215
look dude, I dated a girl for 3 years and she had no previous baggage besides some highschool bf. She broke up with me over the phone in a cold, distant manner and removed me from all aspects of her life. I had just lost a friend to suicide, and had dropped a semester of college. I was in a fucking hole, man. Everything reminded me of her, all I wanted was comfort from her, and that wasn't going to happen.
The ONLY thing you can do is just live.
>>16937993
this man knows exactly what I mean.
You want her, you can't have her, this is the reality of the situation. This shouldn't change, and it won't change. So don't push the issue. Do your own thing and you'll be fine. In about 2 months, you'll be fully recovered. I'd say usually the ballpark time is 1/2 the relationship's duration until somebody is back to their old self.
Unfortunately for me I've got some time to go, but what the fuck I'm doing alright. You'll be fine too, man. Go get drunk and make stupid decisions, being young is fantastic. Don't get hung up on some chick.
