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My heart is overflowed with love for you. I may not be able to see it or touch it, but I feel it. In the course of one day I can find you with me. Your words are with me, I know. It has been years since I have actually touched your hand, but I know our hearts talk. We are not alone. Each night when I fall asleep I hope to dream of you. Every morning when I wake up you are by my side as I drink my coffee. I only wish I could be more productive every day to honor what we have. Inspite of what we are burdened with, we move forward. Maybe inspite of what we don't have we move forward. There are millions of things that remind me of you, the stars, moon, ocean and even a strong cup of coffee. I could never forget everything you are. Please don't stop. Please forgive me. I am stronger now than ever.

If I ever get a gun I will kill myself

>>16932996
Lovely

>>16933001
I hope you don't mean that.

>>16933001
Don't get a gun, ever.

It will happen one day it's all I really have to look forward to any more am just sick of it all

Fuck this loneliness, I been on a dry spell for nearly 4 years. At this point it's annoying and I don't even know if I will be good at it. For the love of God let me fuck some women again.

>>16933020
TY. My heart aches with love. Not just for the subject of this work, but for the entire beings of humanity. It's why I love /adv/ we are such an interesting being.

I've been depressed so long my heart literally aches I don't know how to explain it sometimes my heart beats and I literally feel this weird pain and I really think it's because I'm so sad I mean I'm a very healthy individual

I need someone to talk to.

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kurbycobain@gmail

and it really sucks because so many people think I'm just fine i hate living life almost everyday

>>16933046
What is there to hate?

I really want a friend I can talk to
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1EqkCWTou5A
that is me, from the thread i made

the whole family sucks my mom was addicted to meth clean now but I don't talk to her am 22 years old I'm on my own. I have petty good job i also take care of my grandpa I just don't know what to do anymore I don't know who my dad is not like thrse are real problems every day I just don't feel good. I just don't have no motivation anymore the drugs are always there my close friends are avoiding me wont talk to me anymore after extra hard and bad acid trip i had around them it I just don't know I don't know what I don't really hate it just don't want to live

I don't care of my rep anymore

>>16933040
Sometimes I think our hearts can ache, but we can also counter act this pain. Be active. Go for a bike ride. Read a good book. These should make you feel better

>>16933045
Are you studying for the night?

>>16933076
I'll talk to you.

And this sadness has been within me for so many years just gets worse Idk maybe not right away I know I would kill myself if I had a gun.

>>16933085
How was your day anon?

>>16933090
Bad. How was yours.

>>16933094
Could have been worse, I try to be optimistic
want to talk about it?

>>16933095
Not really, not here.
Chat elsewhere?

>>16933077
There is always a reason to live....like your grandpa.

I really like teaching, but I feel exhausted and it's making me depressed.

Also, I have nothing to be sad about and that makes me a little upset.

>>1693309
Thanks for your optimism!

>>16933099
yeah
[email protected]

>>16933113
do you... type your reply numbers? not click them?

Why are you on my mind again, I don't know you well enough to be thinking about you. yet here I am waiting for my game to start contemplating some words to text to you.I hate how awkward this is making me feel.

>>16933119
I clicked, but accidentally deleted some. I've also been drinking so I could have cared less.

Almost 1 month has passed already, honestly i didn't expected to tone so far, im still waiting to you talk me but shit almost a month this is to much time,i guess you were serious when you said it, tonight she unlock my number, idk if that's good or bad, this means she probably deleted my number and she have no longer way to contact me, im gonna hate this next months because im gonna be waiting her even tho i know she will not return

>>16933128
Just text them.

>>16933128
What game?

if people actually knew me you probably think I'm really outgoing person to be around I mean I feel like I'm just one of those f****** stereotypes. I just don't see how life is going to get any better I have a good income I've been in out sports club with ferinds I go out with ferinds and dirnk everything I do is normal but inside I just feel like dying I don't find the point In anything. at the end of the day I just don't feel like I really have anybody to talk to I guess I really don't know what I'm saying how I'm trying to convey my feelings all I know is it just it just gets worse everday.

>>16932989
i think advice is for the weak, that you could be doing something useful, even if only for your own sake, instead of crying for help and throwing shit at good willed people for nothing

you're right man I mean this is one of the first times I've ever really tried to express what I'm feeling inside but that's just it you know you got a bottle it there is nowhere to put it I'll just letting somebody out there know how I feel but it's pointles it real is ill die and so will you I just plan on cutting it short.

>>16933139
L.O.L I am about to respawn

I didn't deserve this. I put everything into helping anyone. I never took offense easily, I always was there for you. Maybe I acted like a child at one time or another, but I always grew up in the end. And what do I get? You're arrogance. You continue to just use me. I can't even have a normal conversation with you without me ending up in pain. You are the very reason I can't trust anyone. I thought you'd save me from my isolation. Bullshit! You just wanted to use me so that you could get all the fame in the end. You know what's worse. I'll still watch your back no matter how much i hate you. I know now that I won't live long. I can't bear it. But you better watch you're fucking ass, because I will not put that gun to my head until I make sure that I make your life hell!

>>16933158
it's really pointless. and you know what? no one cares for you truly, no one gives a shit if you die now or in 10 years, not me, not your parents, not anybody.
everyone can get over a death, it's just part of life. you'll be as forgotten as anybody else, because no one cares.
the only person that can care for you is yourself, so, if you don't, you might as well kill yourself right now

>>16933170
you're the sole cause of your pain, don't try to push it into others.

I'm a 21 year old male virgin. Probably because I grew up without a father, and had no real friends most of my life, all I could go by about woman were my mom, sister, and television. Used to be a betafag, but thats over (made me miss my chance to fuck all my 3 girlfriends that were). Now I don't get woman because I have a very high standard for them. I recently admitted to myself that I'm a sexist. A woman has to prove herself to be a self-aware, responsible adult. Which they don't seem to be. Goddamnit.

One night stands could and might work, but I'm kinda afraid of these children getting attached and probably accusing me of rape.

you're not telling me anything new dude I really don't care if anybody remembers me I mean I have plans of killing myself and I know the plan will be seriously fulfilled after my Grandpa died because he's really the only thing holding me back but thanks dude for reiterating what I already know

>>16933158
Keep expressing it.....it means something.

I wish I had maintained the relationship with my third cousin over the last three years. Grandpa has dementia and grandma's health isn't great either. Looking at my grandparent's situation and seeing how my third cousin is aging, I regret not keeping in touch with him. We can't get those years back and there will be nothing to reflect on from those those years when he eventually is gone.

>>16933170
I would not recommend protecting this person you speak of.

>>16933172
Damn I guess it's a good thing I care about myself.

>>16933193
It's important to love yourself.

whole thing about loving yourself it's like it's not like I hate myself I just don't find any reason to live I'm actually a pretty good-looking dude like I said I have a good job I really don't know why I'm so depressed other than I mean I barely have any friends is it take care of my grandfather and the rest of my family just f****** suck I just I just don't see the fun in life I really don't and again I'm not trying to complain to you people I guess I I really just don't know.

>>16933193
yes, that's the whole point

>>16933211
You might seem confused but you are a good person:)

and I know I know I'm not a "noraml" I feel passionately about too many things that most people just don't care about you I can't have a thought on everything I seem to never be able to shut up I think I'm just driving myself insane and inside it all I just want it all to go away

>>16933211
don't think too much about it.
go make some tea, eat icecream, read a book, do something you enjoy
we're all dying and might as well enjoy ourselves while we're here, so don't feel bad spending a day on yourself and just don't overthink it

Yeah and the guy always loses

I'm a sophomore in college and I have no friends. I mean, I've never really had a ton of friends and I'm a disgustingly ugly nitwit with no social skills and a dull personality. I also think I'm legitimately afraid of women. Additionally, I crave acceptance and approval, especially from authority figures and people I think are better than me, like a drug, There is no better feeling in the world than when a professor acknowledges that I've done well on something.

I go out every Friday/Saturday to the movies by myself to convince my mom that I have friends. She's almost definitely going to find out that I've been lying to her when graduation comes around and I honesty don't know what's going to happen at that point. She burst into tears when she saw my high school year book only had 5 or 6 signatures.

I started writing shipping fanfiction based off of movies/shows that I like, mostly because I think I'm an okay writer and it satisfies my ideal relationship. Usually they involve a well-to-do, generally likable guy and tough-exterior/sweet-interior girl who occasionally ribs on the guy but is secretly in love with him. If that's a form of masturbation, I honestly don't care. I'm a wizard in training and it makes me happy. That being the case, I get paranoid because I get decent amount of views but not a ton of reviews/comments.

My dad used to trim my pubic hair when I was a kid and he would also examine the foreskin of my penis to make sure it was clean when I was a kid. I think that's caused me to develop an unnaturally powerful fear of having my genitals cut off/destroyed.

>>16933236
Wow, I have no response....I sincerely apologize.

go do something take your mind off it just relax yeah dude I take that to the extreme I'm constantly f****** smoking weed eat food out the f****** ass because eating always makes you feel better but it still doesn't matter the cost and depression is always there I can't sake it. I'm so short minded I don't even I don't even know where I'm going with this it's like being a kid you really do believe you can be anything you really do believe anything can happen and every day you work and you work and you smile at everybody and when you walk by is alright everything's alright just keep moving can tell the person you're freaking out on the inside and then you're a weirdo you're not the same person so just keep that smile on your face and everybody you meet in public just fake it I just I can't take life I hate it I hate everything about it would get on the social boards and we can talk you can talk in the privacy of your own home but as soon as you're in public everything is wrong with you and everything you ever thought of as a kid doesn't doesn't happen.

>>16932996
I feel like this thread has gotten out of control. I just created it for others to tell me they love me.

Sometimes when I'm shutting down for the night, my mood goes from happy, perky, normal and content, to upset, irritable, or mad.

I've noticed this recently. It's strange.

you can talk to me again when you're ready. I'm ready whenever. But know that our friendship is not the same now. I do not care about you.

>>16933283
can i talk to you?

my parents cat was ran over by a car and killed last week, and my mom is still pretty upset about it and cries every now and then. what they dont know was that it was me.

It was dark as fuck and i was going over to thier house to pick up some furniture that my dad was holding on for me to bring to my new house. the little fucker must have been running around in the street because when i was about a block from thier house, my car ran over something. i pulled over because i thought i might have gotten a flat tire, but when i saw blood on my front bumper i knew i ran over some animal. i retraced my path and found out i ran over thier cat Harriet. he was dead. I was shocked and didn't want to pick him up off the street since it was pretty gruesome, so i just left the poor fucker there and pretended nothing had happened when i made it to my parents house.

my mom still cries every now and then, and my dad is pissed that "whoever did it didnt even have the sympathy to call them with the number that was on his collar.

im too afriad to tell them now, and i feel terrible about it. wish i had just said something that night

>>16933305
sure.

>>16933311
what'd he do? that made you cease caring?

I'm finally realizing what we have likely won't last, but fuck it
I'm still going to fight to make this work as long as I can

>>16933317
A lot of things. Im tired of the confusion, of never knowing how he feels, of feeling cared about and then not cared about.

>>16933330
I know what you mean
I've had something similar happen to me not too long ago
I wish I had someone I could be sure of how they felt towards me, and they loved me, I hope the same for you too anon

>>16933340
Good luck. I have given up. I don't have a heart

>>16933350
Then what's keeping you alive friend?

You don't have to worry about me inconveniencing you by reminding you I exist or taking up your time by contacting you. I meant what I said. It is over. Actually, I don't think it ever really began. I tried my very best to look past everything but I can't love someone like you. When you left, I was washed with relief. When I spoke to you afterward, I was filled with anxiety. I was wrong. You ,might have really cared about me, in your own selfish and immature way. Given time to reflect after you were gone, the person I really am embodies everything you have been shown to want. But because of that, by design, aligned with the downfall of the fantasy you always chase, I also detest people like you.

I'm sorry. I wanted to make you happy... but I really, really didn't want to be around you. I didn't want to hurt your feelings and I ended up hurting myself instead and making you think I was crazed. I didn't want to leave you alone with those people who couldn't give a shit about you. But the way you always treated me, I can't help but feel you deserve the things that happen to.you.

Fortunately I have grown to see the freedom in my loneliness. And I was not alone for long.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=k1rtFnpz-uo

DIANNE WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU IGNORING ME?

When you rejected me, you said we'd still be friends... I'm literally tearing up inside. I need you...

>>16933001

I'm pretty sure I'm only alive because of gun control laws.

Never get one, anon.

Sex smells weird

I've been having weird anxiety lately. The other day I was walking home from work, all totally normal, sun still out and everything. Then I walked past some random slow walker, some dude, didn't get a look at him, why would I it's just some dude, ho hum. But as soon as I was in front of him, I just had this plunge in my gut like "He's going to take out a gun and shoot me in the head, I'm about to die." I just tensed the fuck up, certain I was about to feel it whizzing by my ear if I was lucky. Altered my walking pattern and sped the fuck up so that if he did shoot, he'd have to miss from the distance and I'd have a chance. Picked the shop I'd duck into as soon as it happened, how I'd lose him etc. Like, I almost started crying. The fuck.
Then I quickly hit the end of the block at a crossing, and I hear him running up behind me and finally turn around, and what do I see? A fat dorky asian kid running to get across the road before the lights change, complete with a sheepish "lol how embarrassing, running in public" grin on his face. I'm talking thick black-framed glasses and everything, couldn't be less intimidating.
Fucking weird.

And my dreams are more full of rape and spiders than a Charlie Kelly song, which always happens when I'm anxious, but boy are they going for it this time.

To be honest, I always try to return the favor from others. I'd feel really bad if I didn't, even though it's not a big deal.
But there are some people who take advantages of it, fuck.

>>16933452
>
Do you have anything big planed coming up?

>>16933040
It's called anxiety. It's literally one of the physical symptoms of anxiety, even if you don't realise you have it or if it's a mild anxiety.

>>16933223
Omfg learn how to fucking reply to individual posts.

I'm dumb.

I have a huge crush on my best friend. If we're apart for too long then I start dreaming up all kinds of crazy futures for us together.

When I do get to spend time with her it restores me back to "oh, you are the most amazing person" and a deep love and respect for her, without all the craziness. We are just two people, having a conversation. I don't need anything more out of life. I don't need to leave my world and run away with her, or have some secret affair with her, or take our friendship anywhere other than where it's at.

Why can't I feel that way all the time? Why do I end up missing her so much when we're apart?
Sometimes it feels as though my whole life revolves around her.

I don't understand.

>>16933874
Meditate more senpai

>>16932996
Marry me? I don't have much, but I have more love than I know what yo do with.

I feel like I've been robbed. I feel like there are assumptions being made. I feel like you hate me because you think I hate you. But, that's the furthest thing from the truth. I think about you all the time. I'm trying to bridge this gap but there's this invisible wall in the way. There's something going on. There's something wrong but I don't know what it is. I just want to be with you and no one else. It's so early. I'm wide awake. All I can think about is you. I will message you later. I hope you respond. I love you more than anything else in this world.

>>16933941
Initials?

I love you. I know it's stupid of me to still feel this way even though I was the one that ended it, but you were the greatest thing to ever happen to me. I would have probably killed myself by now if it weren't for what we had. I know I was far from perfect but thank you for being able to overlook all of that and see the potential that I didn't know I had. I know that you've moved on and have someone else, but should he run out on you, I promise you I'll be here for you. And should by some miracle we ever get together again, rest assured that I'll never let you go again, no mater how rocky things get or how much I just want to crawl up in my own self-loathing. I would give up everything I have just to see you smile. you make life worth living. Thank you for being who you are.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Nd13Ob9Bgc

>>16933946
She knows I'd never tell.

I've known my best online friend for the last 5+ years of my life. We're so close we even formed a relationship together, that relies on sub/dom play.

But now I feel like they've finally grown bored of me. They barely talk to me any more, their interest in using me is non-existent. I feel like I'm nothing more than a coat rack now, who is just there to give them money if they ask.
I want to confront them about how shitty they've been treating me lately, but at this point I'm so in love with them I know my life would be over without them.
I also know I'll never find anyone else who'll accept me in a healthy way, because of how ruined this relationship has made me.

I miss being held.
But I don't even just miss the act itself. I miss it with him. Anyone else could hold me, but it would never be the same. I miss him holding me the way he did two years ago.

I miss his strong arms wrapped around me. I miss feeling safe and secure. I miss when we'd be curled up in bed or on the lounge, and he'd give me back tickles. I miss him playing with my hair while we cuddled.
I miss the gentle kisses on my forehead, on my lips, on the tip of my nose, on my collarbone, wherever he could reach.
I miss the warmth radiating from him. I miss being half asleep at 3am and feeling him pull me closer towards him until there's no space left between us.
I miss waking up in the morning being entangled in each other, our legs, our arms, our fingers intertwined from one of us reaching for the other's hand at some point during our sleep.

But, more than all of that, I miss him holding me because he wanted to show me he loved me.
I miss him holding me because he genuinely wanted to, and because he loved it too.
I miss him holding me because he wanted me to feel his love emanating from him. I miss him holding me, not because I enjoyed it and felt safe and loved, but because he wanted me to literally physically know that he cared for me and loved me.

God forbid if he ever reads this, and then ever has a chance to hold me again purely because he wants to and wants me to know he loves me; I don't even know if I'd be able to believe he was doing it to tell me and show me that, because I'll just think he's doing it because I enjoy it, not because he really does want to show me that he loves me.

But, he probably doesn't even love me anyway.

I told her I am over it, i told myself I am over it, i now tell myself I am over it every day, I keep repeating jt and telling myself that I am better than that and that I have manned up and dealt with it and I can learn from this experience.

I tell myself I am over it, but I'm not, I am still really really sad.

I kind of want to break up with my boyfriend but I also don't. He's almost 270lbs and it's just hard for me to even see him as desirable anymore. He was just a little overweight when we started dating but now it's insane, he needs to slow down. He also lost his job, so it's just me working and going to school and I come home and sometimes he hasn't even applied for a job and the house isn't clean, etc. It just pisses me off. I'm also sick of his submissive attitude- like he won't say excuse me, just walks around people. He never has argued with me over anything or been angry at me in 2 years. If I cheated on him he probably would forgive me. I just don't know what to do about this relationship anymore, he lives with me and our lives are enmeshed but to be honest I'm sick of being together if this is what he's going to be like for the rest of his life. He has a kind personality and he's very easy-going but honestly maybe what attracted me to him is the fact that he's so safe and can't hurt me. Typing this out makes me feel like such a cunt, I act like the perfect gf in real life but inside I'm thinking about breaking up all the time, I probably will just vent and carry on being unhappy and miserable with low self esteem because I'm too cowardly to do the mature thing for myself. In a way I feel like maybe me dumping him would set him on the track to improving himself

Got drunk, talked some shit and fucked up big time

>>16934187
Why don't you tell him he needs to change or you will break up with him?

>>16934202
What did you do?

>>16934204
He just cries and swears he will change but he doesn't because weight loss/improving his sex drive/finding a job/improving his attitude is hard and requires effort. I think he's a lost cause unless he finds internal motivation or I dump him to kickstart some self-improvement. '

>tfw always the bad guy "making problems" while he's content with everything

>>16934217
You're not the bad guy, he's not meeting you half way. Try helping him lose weight by getting into a healthy diet yourself and exercise plan, do it together - "Ok for dinner we are eating this" - "Let's go hit the gym/go to the pool/go for a run/go for a walk" etc.

That said weight loss is 99% diet. Get on a diet with him - I don't doubt you're in good shape but get in better shape so you're even hotter. That way if you have to leave him you can get someone better more easily

>>16934187
>>16934217

You don't sound cunty at all. If you're not happy, leave. No shame in it. You don't have to strap yourself to someone just because they're not actively being a douchebag.

I don't know I I like my friends.
I don't know if I want to be alone.
I don't know if I'm liked.
I don't know if I'm a burden.
I don't know if I deserve her.
I don't know if I like her.
I don't know what I'm doing.

>>16934281
Keep going, though.
Xx

>>16933874
I feel the same way about my best friend of 15 years. I love him.

Sexual tension has always been there, also a romantic ideal

The truth is, I fell for him deeply, quickly. When we're apart for a long time, I start feeling mania, insomnia and all my thoughts of us on loads of crazy adventures start spinning out of control, yet when were together, I feel calm, rested, happy and loved. We're all talkative and relaxed. Our chemistry is really strong, so when we're apart, I crave it intensely

He's sexy as hell too, and it drives me up the wall. Sleeping with him regularly feels like the natural progression in our relationship

Feeling like he's my whole world frightens me, despite having a million other interests (not romantically) and hobbies. I know I must seem weird and unbalanced to feel this way. Really, I know it's about stability, which is important to me

Your advice sounds perfect, for what I've told you I want.
So I'm going to follow it.

I think I might have lied to you, though. If there was an easy way out I would walk away from all of this. I don't know whether I love her any more. I'm certainly not IN love with her. Working so hard to prolong this, whatever it is?
I feel as though I'm just going through the motions so that I can say "hey, I tried" when everything eventually comes apart.

I am so bitter right now. And I feel as though I've swindled this advice out of you under false pretenses. Meh.

For the past few weeks, maybe months, I've been coming here posting about someone I had feelings for who has put me in a variety of confusing situations. They told me they loved me, and then tonight they told me that the 3 months I've known and cared about them, that they have been using me for my popularity and actually hated every minute with me and just used me for attention. Instead of being gutted, I screenshotted and publicly posted it to Facebook for all to see then messaged his 'real' crush about it :^) he is completely gutted right now and all the people that know him hate him. I win. U thought u could hurt me bb but you ended up with a broken heart and me and my friends ended up laughing and you're left with no one and nothing. xxxxx

>>16934331
This is actually great, you go anon!

>>16934343
Yeah man! I thought i would feel heartbroken, but this person put me through so much. A month ago they threatened to kill themselves because I wouldnt talk to them, and lately they've been so confusing and stressful and high maintenance. Honestly the reason I liked this person was because they were simple, fun and enjoyable to be around, and he ended up being a fucking retard. I'm so glad that he tried to end things as viciously as he possibly could, cause it allowed me to end things as viciously as i could, which gave me the final word, the title "Winner" and has completely fucked him over.

I don't know which is worse; when you would constantly post on Facebook after we broke up to show that you were "happy". Or what you've been doing lately. Not posting at all and barely logging on, which means you're actually busy.

I think you've found someone else already.

Just fucking respond. Give me some closure dammit.

>>16934373
The worst feeling honestly. Hang in there buddy.

>>16932989
Why the fuck is twitter filled with fat unlikable shits? I'm looking at you, Mark Kern.

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I am mute. I wish I could just wear a white mask to cover my face constantly because it hurts to constantly be called ugly.
I am being hunted down by my ex and secretely want to get a sex change and be the next shaye saint john then jump into fire and have my cross dressed puppet remains be flown around at idk, mardy graw, while the space jam theme plays.
But no one would care.

>>16933001
Thought this myself

I always feel like sad too and I narrow it down to one reason but I still just feel like Shit after that. I feel like I want to die but I don't think that would help anything. My personal goal it to find someone to be close to both physically and emotionally. And I need to try to go slowly because my heart always gets way to caught up in it and my anxiety flips Shit and makes me never stop thinking about the person.the I say something stupid. I hate myself and my cyclical actions sometimes. My life feels like a bad nightmare where I'm the monster fucking things up.

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http://www.wikihow.com/Find-a-Hobby

RR (derp derp) that wink (derp derp)

https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080502214813AAtrF82

seattle

I'm finally seeing my doctor tomorrow after not seeing him for 2 months.

If he doesn't give me the prescriptions for the medications I haven't taken in weeks, I'm killing myself.

I think I'll wait until after I see my psychologist on Monday though.

I can't do this anymore.

When I was a young boy
>father takes me into city
>sees marching band
>he says
> oh my dear, that chapter is done

>>16933394
You really think I miss your fat ass?
I'm much better off without you. I'm rich, bitch.
I also get my dick sucked every day by my new girlfriend.

Love ya. ;)

It's been almost 9 months since I tried too kill myself

I still feel like shit quite frequently and still often want to hurt myself but can't due to trying to be more outgoing and having more people interaction (aka people would notice).

I'm getting my life together but why do I still feel like shit -_-

I'm quite infatuated with you. If only you gave me the light of day.
Why must I obsess over any girl who gives me the slightest attention?

>>16934539
It's funny in an ironic way because he was the one who had a shitty part time job and was fat.

I'm sure if he got a blow job he would just go limp after the initial stock of stimulation because the girl isn't an anime character.

>>16934554
See a psychiatrist and a therapist, dude. Get the mental health treatment that you clearly need.

Your life probably fell apart because of your mental illness, not vice-versa.

How to find a mental health provider: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/mental-illness/in-depth/mental-health-providers/art-20045530
How to find a therapist: http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/how-to-find-therapist
Dealing with suicidal thoughts: http://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-help-dealing-with-your-suicidal-thoughts-and-feelings.htm
A list of suicide hotlines organized by country: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

>>16934704

Had to see a psychiatrist after the suicide attempt due to being hospitalized. The mental health treatment in my area is terrible and a lot of the quality places within an hour are booked.

I tried the route plus I really don't care for how the medications fuck with your head. It was killing my memory and spelling/speech.

>>16934717
tell the psychiatrist and that they should prescribe something different

I have no idea what's going on anymore and killing myself looks like the only solution that will help me and, more importantly, everyone else.

I am livid right now because my girlfriend refuses to have sex with me, and I hate myself for it.

First it was that she needed to get an appointment for her birth control. Then it was that she needed to wait til her period to take it. THEN it takes a week to take effect. THEN IT TAKES ANOTHER MONTH TO BE LIKE SUPER SURE?!

Mother of fucking god, C. This hurts my feelings a lot for some reason. I understand you're scared of getting pregnant. I understand this is your first time. I understand that I'm a sorry piece of shit. I wouldn't fuck me either. You don't owe me a THING. You and I have done so much together and for each other. I believe that you love me. It just literally hurts my feelings, and I can't even pin down why.

I love you, and I feel really loved by you, but this hurts and makes me feel awful. I'm so sorry.

>>16934731

That's the thing, I just overall am not a fan of mind altering prescriptions. I was on anti-depressants for almost 2 years before the suicide attempts (multiple types and different doses) and none of them were effective but yet I dealt with the side effects so I'm just trying to find natural ways to build my mind/willpower hoping to beat this the old fashioned way.

I mean these conditions existed since the dawn of time and people found ways to deal with them, so there has to be something besides, "take this, ignore the side effects we can give you something else for those and ignore how it rots your mind.".

>>16934752
Just rape her, man

>>16934752
Is her nickname Lala by any chance?

>>16934752
Dude, you're freaked out about nothing. She's being a responsible mature person with this. It does take around a month for the medicine to become effective. If you're butthurt about her being responsible, tell her about it. (Also instead of sulking, you could just suggest you wrap it up.)

>>16934754
Try fish oil, it's a mood stabilizer.

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For the past 6 months I've been an office worker at a construction firm. They also hired a handful of other new, inexperienced people around the same time and put us all in a corner cubicle. In that same corner, away from all the other bosses, is a crazy shitbag who's been there for years. He has a boss-level title, but he doesn't have anyone working underneath him and the only person who comes to his office is his boss.

Now the actual problem: This crazy shitbag is regularly yelling at his wife. She'll usually call once per day, but she occasionally comes into the office. Based on the shit he yells about, she usually calls about being picked up or driven somewhere. He always tells her no. I'd be fine if it stopped there, but he'll sometimes yell insults into the phone and it's hard not to walk into his office and tell him to cut it out. When she comes into the office, she'll just sit silently in a chair in his office for an hour or two while he finishes his work. The one time she did speak, he told her to shut up while he worked. The worst part about all of this is that she seems to have some kind of disability. She can carry a conversation just fine with the secretary, but she walks and talks like she's mentally retarded (cerebral palsy?) which explains why she needs to be driven everywhere.

I'd bring it up to HR, but I'm sure that they know that he's a problem. I'd talk to him personally, but if he was anything but sorry then I'd probably physically attack him like the internet tough guy I am.

>>16934757
Maybe...

>>16934756
Har de har.

>>16934758
>Dude, you're freaked out about nothing. She's being a responsible mature person with this.
I know, and I really appreciate her for it, but for some reason I'm just feeling this way alongside that.

>If you're butthurt about her being responsible, tell her about it.
I did. We had a nice talk, but it didn't fix it 100%.

>Also instead of sulking, you could just suggest you wrap it up
I did suggest that. She wasn't into it.

It's her choice, I'm just really unhappy about it and wanted to vent my feelings so they don't leak out on her by accident.

>>16934759

I actually used to take those quite regularly but stopped due to funds making it difficult to afford supplements.

I'm a lazy piece of shit who's life sucks because I can't get off my ass. My Mum is a saint who puts up with me and loves me but I can she's tired. I need to do something with my life but I have no work experience or skills. I'm weak, short and generally useless. I don't know how to cook or clean or even change my bed. I need to do something. Not for me, for her. I wanna be someone she could be proud of.

I only have one feeling right now and it is emptiness. I feel unfulfilled in my live. I go to school. I come home. I study. I get good grades. I'm tired of this cycle. It hurts me to just think about having to do more years of this to have the life I want in the future. I only have two friends and they are complete jackasses. On top of all that, the girl I can't get over only thinks I want to be friends with her. I always think that one day I'll tell her how I really feel. But when it comes time, I feel as though "it's not the right time." Meaning I'm too scared of rejection to say anything. I love this girl, but at this rate I'm not sure she will ever know. I'm not one to just say I love you after knowing someone for a month too. I've known her for years now and we've been on and off close friends. We use to have a thing but it didn't last long. She's just the girl I could never get over. I look at her and see a woman I would be comfortable spending my life with. To me she is the perfect woman. It really does hurt. It really does. My life makes me sick. I want a new one.

>>16934764
Just wait it out. The last mile is the longest.

>>16934373
I'm there with you. Bad hookups happen, you know? I was hurt bad. But seeing him on regular occasion has been much worse then it had to be. I gave him a hug to say "no hard feelings bruh okay can't we be friends?" and he pulled away from my hug without a word and started talking to another girl. He's brought two hoes into the club with him and made them kiss right in front of me. It's getting awkward because I made friends with his ex and her new bf (not knowing this at the time) and he just looks right through me and then leaves. I'm not the only one who has issues with this guy. I sent him an fb message (we have like 10 mutual friends)to try to clear things up and let him know I care and he hasn't responded.

These kind of people really suck.

>>16934764
Just wait it out. The last mile is the longest.

>>16934778
>>16934782
I guess that's all I can do, Duplicate Anons. I'll get over it. I just feel sulky and I don't want to upset her by showing it. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. We said in the meantime we'd "get creative", so that could really be something fun.

>>16934772
What will probably happen:
>Keep feeling sorry for yourself for a few more years
>Mom eventually makes it obvious that it's time for you to move out
>Try to eke out a living in a minimum wage job in a run-down apartment
>30 years later, feel sorry for yourself again when your mom dies
>Die

I'm tired of so many posts like yours. You're lying about loving your mom. You certainly don't love her more than refreshing the page again.

>>16934539
>>16934693
lol… that first letter wasn't from me to him but it could have been. I know you're rich because my friend told me you posted a pic of a stack of your drug money on facebook. He said, 'That guy is a fucking idiot." And it was a friend of yours who told me you were fat and ugly. And you are. I know you can get your dick sucked any time but I also know that you can't feel a goddamned thing but anger.

>>16934757
Are you there anon?

Dammit, I just wanted to vent a bit. I'll get over it. I'm not mad AT her, I'm just mad in general, and those moods pass. I just wanted to shield her from that anger by channeling it here instead of at her. Making her feel anything less than great would kill me inside. She's made me feel so great.

Been texting this girl for a while she invited me out to watch a movie I've had this major crush on her for a while so it was nice. That day didn't go too well we literally had nothing to talk about, she talked on and on about baseball for hours and here I am bored as fuck wanting to get this over after glossing over a couple more hours of baseball and life stories shit was boring as fuck. Does this mean that we're not "Socially Compatible" or am I just being a dickweed or I need more social skills. Nothing she said striked me as interesting. If you like someone do you force yourself to like someone or it just like happens and you feel it when it does. It's a chore talking to her when I have no genuine care about her emotions or overall well-being I wanna fug her but that's pretty much it.

t. 20's Apprentice Wizard

>>16934835

Are you looking to get married already? No? Then it's fine to put up with her stupid bullshit for another day. Pump n' dump. It'll do wonders for your self-esteem.

>>16934841
Do I just put up a front and wade through all the shit to get the puss. I'm not to experienced at this it's more likely that she'll spot it and bail at some point. inb4 git gud

Hey, L
Why did you visit me that day? What's up I was a bit scared, like it was unexpected. I could tell it was urgent, but I know if you just needed a piss, you could have gone in a hedge. Tell me my friend, what happened there? I'm not bothered about him. There's no trust. I can't say I know for sure about her. My heart was somewhere else anyway, it didn't belong there

I don't love them. In fact, I'm pretty sure these threads are fucking retarded.

>>16934847
git gud

Really, you'll probably spend more time than you should hanging out with her boring ass before you get any tail, but you'll learn something from it.

>>16934849
I forgot to say, I don't mean was it about us, I meant, what happened with them? What were you worried about? anyway hope you're doing well mate

>>16934857
Sometimes it helps to vent. Writing something down and then deleting it works at times, but sometimes you want to say it knowing someone reads it, not necessarily the other person or people that it concerns, though.

Maybe that's just me, however. I've had a rough several months which followed a whole year of shit already, but I like to vent it all at times despite knowing posting it wouldn't change it at all. Another part is that it lets me ridicule my own mistakes where anonymous posters can see it and agree that I'm an idiot

>uncle passed away suddenly
>grandma in critical condition

I just wish I had someone to talk to IRL. Not only about that, but for my own depressing issues

>>16933033
Just focus in other things...it works 4 me. That way you can forget your sorrows with another hobbie and avoid to go full school shooter

I fucked up,I should have went with my cousin to uni years ago instead of figuring things out on my own and getting nowhere.

>>16934876
What does it feel like losing someone and never being able to see them again. Not trying to be edgy or anything but why even bother getting sad. Being depressed about it won't make you feel better in anyway whatsoever. It's not like you hang out with them everyday or they'd have that much impact on your life now that you're an adult.

>>16934887
>Being depressed about it won't make you feel better in anyway whatsoever.

>what is mourning

Sometimes being depressed over a death or a failed relationship is the only way TO get over it.

>>16934554
You need to think about what do you really expect to get from life

My crush suffers from severe depression and is mildly suicidal.

>>16934895
I fall under that descritpion and I have feelings for a coworker. He has shown interest in what I say and being around me but I am afraid to talk to him about "real" things ever, even if we were to actually be in a relationship. Being around me is a constant change in emotion and mood from day to day and often hour to hour. People throughout my life have told me that it keeps me from being boring but it just makes me feel unstable and bothersome.

If you don't think you can handle that persons problems in order to get closer to them, or don't actually care about them and only want personal gain, don't bother with making any advances. More stress is probably the last thing that person needs.

Check out the thread about white guys with dreads. Recognize yourself?

I'm a 90 year old virgin

I don't even have feelings for you anymore, why can't I get you out of my head? It's been 2 years, I've been in 3 different relationships since then, I'm sure I have 0 romantic feelings towards you, then why am I constantly wondering what you're up to? I don't even like you as a person. Get out please.

>>16934975
Same here bro

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I'll keep it brief.
So my friend, who is dumb as shit, decided to snatch this girl I was trying to get with. He's done this many times before with other guys. How do I deal with this?

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I wish I was a black girl

I'm engaged to a q.t. but recently started talking to another q.t.
I've been banging both of them but recently they became friends and started talking over skype. Neither knows that I'm banging the other.

I've made many attempts to get them to hate each other so they'll stop talking but it only lasts for a bit before they forgive each other. I can't keep manipulating them forever and soon I'm as good as fucked.

Help.

>>16934764
>>16934817
If it really is her who I think it is then don't worry about it. I wish both of you the best. But chances are that you also visit this board like she does more low than anything. Even though I've met her through these threads and all. If you also live in germany (brazil if it is that guy?),I would be legit suprised. But I won't do shit either way because I cut off contact with her so the only way that I would know it's her would be this thread.

I just want to hear from you, i want to know why you just disappeared and said nothing. Im pretty sure i know the reason and that you have a guy in your life, and thats fine. We were friends though, couldnt you just tell me the reason?

>>16934990

what are you ATM ?

>>16934975
Initials?

>>16935023
OH, well then you're definitely not thinking of my girl. We're from the US. Thanks for the heart attack!

I've had enough experiences, enough trial and error, enough looking. Not just love but overall, everything is too much effort. I want to die without committing suicide, but it'd be so many years before it happens either by natural causes or some event. If I had a gun, I really would turn it on myself, even though I don't want to commit suicide. Just thinking of how many years my life may still have until I die is awful. All those years would be me trying to get the most out of them and trying to not feel as shit. That's more effort than I want to put in, there's no instruction manual for a road to guaranteed happiness or at least the ability to feel content other than "you'll know when you find it." Seriously, that's enough trial and error now. I no longer even have it in me to congratulate others for their successes anymore, I just want it all to end. I'm getting to the point where I turn away from someone being happy. Where it used to make me happy to see that others found their source after searching, even if I was still being a loser, now it just makes me sad that I don't have the willpower anymore to look, search or go through more attempts just to get a dead end and have to look elsewhere for what is right for me.

I firmly believe not everyone is supposed to get a happy ending, some are meant to be of convenience for others, some are meant to congratulate others, some are meant to just be stepping stones so that others can move on to even greater things.

I now realize that you truly hate me and I suspect that you sent that dude to fuck with me just to have something to laugh at me about.

I hate you. Every time I read a suicide letter here I hope it's you.

What am I even supposed to do? This is just getting exhausting and confusing each minute

>>16933941
I feel the same, I wanted to be up early, and I didn't have to be

I had a bit of a rest after, not for too long

I'm a sex addict. I'm incredibly susceptible to lust, and it doesn't help that I'm a handsome motherfucker. I've been seeing a girl for a while and I like her and it seems like she really likes me too but because she's had some pretty shaky relationships in the past she wants to take things almost painfully slow, which I'm okay with, at least for now, but I'm not sure how much longer I'll be satisfied with the watching old movies and ordering take out. I know it'll take time to get to a point where I'm comfortable, but I'm afraid I'll cheat before we get there and I'll end up hurting her, which I don't think I could live with myself if I did.

>>16935171
I don't really understand sex addiction, like almost everyone is addicted to sex, if you're not feeling for or in a relationship with someone, it doesn't matter if your not risking lives. If you are in a monogamous great sex and happy relationship whether cuddling on the sofa or going out, there's no reason or good excuse to randomly go out fucking other whores on either side

>>16935189
Sex releases chemicals in your brain not dissimilar to a lot of illicit narcotics. You become accustomed to it, and it's a hard thing to shake for people like myself with inherently addictive personalities.

>>16935201
Yes I understand sex is great, not all sex is! Having great sex with someone you love is the best, can't beat it!

I wanted to talk someone but I realized everything I have to say is trivial and worthless. I am better off making myself scarce and keeping to myself

You're a miser. You're in midst of a mid-life crisis. You have crippling anxiety, little to no emotion, and seek solidarity. You have this kind of arrogant, proud air about you despite being skittish. To some degree(maybe a big one) you feel like a failure, I know. You're self absorbed and cynical. You're kind of an asshole. (Of course, I've always liked that about you.)

I don't get it, it's not logical. I still fucking crave you. I can't tell if you're still attracted to me or not. It's so stupid. All this time, I really just want to flirt and fuck you. I mean, I vent to you. You have been there for me in a sense, my little brick wall. But really though...

I should let you go. I can't control myself and it's fucking shameful and inappropriate. I hold my tongue about the sex though. I wish I didn't have to. We could have so much fun together. I need to move on, for my own sanity.

You know I deleted your fucking number the day before yesterday. What the fuck is with your timing.

>>16935329
Hey, anon. I feel like that pretty much all the time.

Yesterday, after months of fretting, I persuaded a friend to make some time to listen to me. Then I spent the whole day freaking out about it, before eventually getting to chat.
We talked for about an hour, initially about things that were bothering me but then just about stuff she's got going on. It was great and all the worry beforehand was pointless and stupid (which won't stop me worrying in future, because that's what I do).

It's fine to keep to yourself, yes, but don't deny yourself the chance to have some company sometimes. You don't have to sparkle and dazzle with your side of the conversation. Find someone who is happy to talk - you can get a long way with "and then what happened", "wait, why did...", "so what do you think you should do next" and so on and so on.

I regret not taking advantage of you when we were first starting to hang out and you were so desperate for my approval.

Wouldn't have been rape-y or anything. Hell, it wouldn't have had to be.

No love during my school years. Time wasted. Adult love won't be the same as teen love, which I missed out on. I hate this world. I'm better than everyone else and I deserve better than all of them.

So i've been used and dumped once again! I feel terrible about myself. I guess this is all I'm good for, a one-night stand.

Yeah, it happened again. I gave him my name and number and he said he really liked me but he wanted to take it slow.

Real slow I guess because it's been three days with no call. Yeah, I've been fucked over again. And no doubt will be again and again. I took a handful of pills last night but they didn't kill me.

>>16935358
You're an arsehole, but I love that about you?

Right, ahzhaha

I fucked my best friends girlfriend... What the fuck is wrong with me? My last relationship I cheated on my gf. Why do I enjoy this shit? I feel horrible but i can't stop myself when someone flirts with me. What should I do?

What.

Case the first:
Love love love. Burn down the house and bury the current failed and failing relationship. Chase the wonderful one. Or be alone but free. Free to be happy again.

Case the second:
Fight for the failing relationship. Snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. Build something amazing on the foundation of tears and anger.

I don't know what to do.
I should toss a coin.
Or maybe masturbate.

I really wonder whether spreading lies and focusing on gossip so much makes you happy or not. You seem to be smiling and laughing all the time as well as putting weird faces when I go next to you, but deep inside you're one of the most insecure persons I've ever met. I am not sure if it is your height or if it's the fact that you're not going to pass this grade, but you really should just get over it and be happy with yourself. None of you three are going to pass and I will part from this shitty town to study abroad very happily. You all are welcome to keep having a shitty life.

>>16935468
I would cheat on my wife to fuck my friend, if that makes you feel any better.
All I need is the slightest sign that she'd be interested.

I can't wait to start this fucking band, I maybe a loser now. But soon I will be a loser writing sick melodies that are technical.

I found a birthday card that you gave me a while ago. I'm waiting for you to text me out of the blue like you always do. I hope you're doing okay and all I want to do is be in your presence. I think I'm stuck on thinking about you everyday. I love your curly hair and I love your freckles and I love your smile and I want to give you everything and you are beautiful.

We had some great years with each memory and each picture being nicer than the one before. I hope I get to see you again soon. I hope youre happy and I hope you're smiling today and always every day. I love your stories and I love your perspective and I want to hear you talk for hours and hours and hours.

I miss you.

>>16934493
Please don't.
Whoever you are,I'm sure someone out there would miss you greatly.

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I want to complain that it's her fault for not giving me any proper signals and never actually telling me that she was in pain, despite teasing me about it.

Yet, i know that it's also my fault because i didn't saw the signs when she showed actual interest in me, and for also being afraid of her still being with her bf when i suspected anything.

And now i realized i lost all chances i once had with the first girl i actually liked in 3-4 years.

Moving on is hard, hopefully i can stop being a lazy shit and do what i like.

>>16933001
I highly advise you to not do that.

im starting to realize you dont really love me, youre just saying something to fill the void.
but i might actually love you
definitely the closest to love ive been in years, if not ever. that scares me but i would try it for you
i would try anything for you
all those things you talk about i would make them happen just say when
or we could just keep each other warm watching cartoons on a futon
i promise i can do more than just help you cum, give me a real chance

>>16935633
Wished it was for me before I read freckles and curly hair, fuck sake.

):

I hate that you fuck other guys, and expect me to remain faithful to you, no matter how much you ignore me.

I hate how I can't live in the same country as you, or be with you because of your stupid decisions.

I hate that I've been with you so long, that I'm a complete doormat to you.

And I fucking hate the fact that I know I'll never stop trying to make you love me again.

I don't like taking pictures of myself. I've never liked taking pictures of myself because I'm generally not that vain and I've never felt as if it's important for people on Facebook to be kept up to date.

Felt pretty good earlier so I took a selfie. I like it. I was pissing and wearing my pyjamas but I don't care.

Edited that bitch like a teenage girl and pushed it out. Looks like I'm in my kitchen now.

my mental illnesses legit make me want to kill myself. legitimately. i had to drop out of college because of them (partially), i've lost a lot of good friendships because of them, my most meaningful relationship was almost completely destroyed because of them. i look back on what i say to people during breakdowns and i want to self harm until my arms and legs go numb. i hate it. i hate it so much. and the worst part is, i have to go unmedicated for the next few weeks until i can get a refill. i've been off them for about a week and i already feel like i'm starting to lose my mind from anxiety.

i wake up anxious, i go to sleep anxious, at night i wake up in the middle of a panic attack from a bad nightmare. i talk to my boyfriend whenever this happens and while he's usually very sweet and accomodating, i feel like it's going to wear down on him soon. i feel so awful and guilty about it.

when i'm unmedicated i lash out over the dumbest things, get mad at the dumbest things, i make cutting comments and have no inhibitions whatsoever. this isn't my first time being unmedicated, but probably the longest time since december of last year. i hate it so much.

i sometimes wonder what forces are at hand that made me so fucked up and just... a revolting person all around. i could blame my parents, i could blame years of mental/emotional/sexual abuse, i could blame years of bullying. but i think i'm scared that it was something i could control. something that i had power over all along, that i missed my chance on controlling a long time ago. because then everything would be my fault, yknow? i wouldn't have anyone or anything to fall back on. i can own up to my mistakes, but it would kill me knowing that i'm this much of a fucking... awful person by my own hand. i dunno. none of this makes any sense probably, it's all a stream of consciousness... but i just needed to let it out. thanks /adv/

>>16934905
You sound exactly like me. I'm sorry.
Even if I found someone who could handle my problems (which ... I might have. I think I have), I wouldn't want to inflict that on them. It feels terrible.

>>16932989
I'm in love with my ex, whose parents' house I'm living at because I left home. She's going through a divorce, and she knows I like her, but I'm scared to death that she won't see how sincere I am.

Guys help.

Even though you're married to my best friend I love you.

>>16935832
Sounds fantastic! Only I meant it when I said it. It filled the void

>>16935025
I'll tell you if you just ask

>>16935476
Choose the path you won't regret

>>16935633
Initials or even online nickname?

I'm internet stalking my crush now. I feel like such a creep, but I may never see him again and I'm not ready to forget.

>>16935468
I fucked my good friend of 8 year's partner of 3 years last week. I never thought they'd cheat and I never thought I'd be the person to help cheat, because I'd been cheated on many times before. I feel disgusted with myself but I know my friend will never find out. Even if they did, I really think they wouldn't even care all that much given their personality and our history.

Past 2 months I've finally started slipping. Went 7 years smoking weed and drinking alcohol everyday only occasionally doing other random drugs the hardest being coke, maybe some opiates or e. Doing almost whatever is available to me now. Starting to really like smoking meth and of course doing opiates and benzos everyday if possible. Few days ago chased some heroin. Didn't do too well but when I ran out tried it with the meth and excited to try again with the h and hopefully do it properly.

Been almost 10 months of chronic nerve pain in right leg due to large herniated disk that is basically 2 months away from surgery after 2 failed steroid injections. This on top of falling fall for a girl that I shouldn't and have been chasing for over 2 years.

Somehow have maintained m-f 40hr+ job at conveniece store/gas station thanks to co workers and boss that all have huge hearts.

I never felt actual physical pain/symptoms other than awful hangovers until I started all this. Sitting here smoking bowls of cannabis and chain smoking worried that I may actually spiral out of control. I know there's no excuse and unfortunately I took the weak approach to my problems.

Just turned 25 and boy am I miserable.

>>16932989
I'm so alone it's crippling

>>16936635
Me, too. I feel like I could die of loneliness right now. I'm getting divorced but still living in my house. My children are at my mother's. My husband is… I don't know where he is. I have no right to be jealous as I've been cheating on him for the past 3 years. 4 years ago he cut me off from sex and I was suicidal until I just decided to cheat. But it's not been good. it's just been one night stands. It's humiliating. I just want someone to be my baby. I want someone to fuck and hang out with and hold in my arms at night. I haven't been held in so long. The last time someone held me I wanted to stay but I had to leave. Now I'm crying. I wish I was dead.

>>16936635
28 packs of ramen and 6 days to go back being a wage slave

At least I have someone to talk to,even though it's just my boss screaming and mocking me as usual

>>16933001
I'm such a shitty girlfriend. I've been ogling my coworker whom is also in a committed relationship for a few weeks now, and I've been hoping my crush would fade, but he's reciprocating and having similar relationship issues and he and I are really into each other

It's temporary, and I don't want him to ruin his life and the life he's building and I don't want to do the same

I hate emotions

i consciously repulse anyone who attempts to be even semi-close to me as a friend, let alone romantic interest

whats frustrating is that there is no good reason to do so

i just want this loneliness to end

Everything is my fault.

If I was never born, everyone in my life would be better off. If I was never born, everyone in my life wouldn't have gone through all the shit I somehow cause. If I was never born, last night would never have happened.

I don't deserve anything, I deserve to die.

I thought I was angry before... Now I know true despair.
So edgy...

I hate all of you. I know I'm not supposed to. But I hate you all, only because I don't know how to love any of you.

>>16936561
My friend internet stalked my crush and then told/showed me a bunch of things. Now I know too much about him. It feels weird.

I feel like I'm meant to have my life together at 20, but I don't. I'm on a break from my college degree until September but I don't know if I want to go back, all I wanna do is move away and start again.

I lost my job.
I'm losing my home in a few months.

The first night I learned that I was unemployed the next day, I was angry.
But now I just feel empty.
I feel happy actually.
There's no reason to.

Maybe I'm happy because I have a reason to drink heavily each night.

I just feel ok despite the fact that I'm unemployed and that in 4 months I'll be homeless.

Shouldn't I feel something?
I just feel benign apathy.
With a desire to get fucking drunk.

>>16936798
I'm 27.
You never feel like you have your life in order.

Finish your degree though.
Trust me.
It don't matter what it is.
Just finish it when you're younger.

>>16936419
Id love to ask her, but she cut all contact with me and i have no way to reach her. Trust me, ive tried

>>16936810

I'm working in France this summer, and I feel like I kind of want to do a degree over here after. I'm in the middle of changing courses at my current college (reason for the break), but I don't think I wanna study there anymore because it's just crushing me

I want my best friend's life. I want to be pretty, successful, have friends, be smart, I want her boyfriend. I wanna die. She makes me feel nostalgic.

>>16936824
Just finish it.
You never want to be a hybrid or a johnny come lately.

Trust me.
I've done it.
I've switched.
And everyone always asks "Why did you take 5 years to finish your undergrad?"

Just fucking stick down your path.
Grass is greener on the other side, remember?
But also remember that fucking money pays for food.

Do your shit in you're in. And keep going.
Who cares whether you like it.
It pays money.

I'm almost 30 and I don't have a career.
Don't be me.
I'd rather have a career I hate than worrying about working job to job just trying to keep myself from being another fucking beggar.

Found out I'm bipolar a few days ago.

Not happy about it, but I'm glad there's an explanation for why I feel this way for months at a time.

Was on lithium before, thinking about giving it a try again.

>>16936845
It's kinda too late for that, seeing as I'm 20 and in my country everyone goes to college at 18. I'm in my first year, and I have at least another 4-5 years at uni in my country before I get my degree. If I leave, take a year out and go to a french college, I can have my degree in 2 years.

I would stick with it if it made sense to but my student loan debt is super high and I can't properly afford to be there because of the cost of college over here. I drained my savings totally within 2 months and that was with massive budgeting and really strict money management. I just have nothing left and the costs in France are so much lower.

What are you doing now?

good god
i tried not freaking out (and i didn't!!) but jesus he reminds me so much of you, in bed.
i even tried shit that used to drive you mad, and it worked on him.
uhhhhh, i just hope i don't end up cracking up half way through. too surreal, senpai.
oh and by the way i still really miss you, if you couldn't have guessed. atm i don't wanna fall in love with someone else for fear of forgetting how /good/ it was with you. sorry.

>>16936867
>What are you doing now?
I'm fucking unemployed.

Don't be me. Get back to school ASAP.
Go to work while you're at school.
Wash dishes on the weekends. You'll make it.

Look, don't be me. I was wishy washy on my decision on what I should study.

So I'm in my late 20s and a fucking loser.
Choose anything. And follow it through.

I'm going to be out of a home in a few months.
And I don't know what I can do to change that.

Having a job you hate> having no job.

>>16936876
What did you study at school?

I'm not gonna insult you by asking if you're looking for jobs, because I know you'll be busting your ass trying to do that, but I hope you find something soon

Is this one of those places for "letters she/he will never read?"

It's funny that you fretted so much about returning my books to me in the condition you left them. I like to have mine pristine, but it really wasn't anything worth worrying about replacing. A bent cover, some dog-eared pages...

I didn't mind but I do like to care for my books, and you told me you're reckless with yours because you read them so many times. You said something like "They're in pretty rough shape after I'm done loving them." and you winked at me and clicked your tongue. It was a joke, but I blushed anyway.

You really are troublesome, aren't you? I just can't shake how I feel about you. You've got this magnetism to you that draws me in even when I'm trying to push you out of my heart, and you don't even know it.

I've been with you guys for a year. And it was one of the happiest times that I had. I really, truly mean it. I'm...I'm very greatful that it lasted this long. I'm not apart of your type of people, those people that are full of social justice and all that. But you're good people, and because of how I thought, I thought friends are suppose to like each other and ignore their personal beliefs. I mean, I was always the sort of outsider, and we always played around since you thought I was sort of you guys and the same time, not. LIke...penfucker64, that nickname you gave me because I liked my fountain pens a lot. You guys were the first ones I told about my girlfriend, and one of you even met her. I mean, I honestly don't know how this happened. I'm amazed at what sort of things happened while we were together. But....then ashley had a bad day. And, I know she's the punchline of the group and she's white, and how that makes most of her complaints against other stuff irrelevent to you, but you went too far. You attacked her personally, and honestly I was genuinely angry for once. I tried making up with her and I managed to keep her as a friend- cuz she was the most like me when coming from how we thought. But then, al lthese emotions I had, I couldn't keep them in. Then you guys suddenly had another argument with her again, while I didn't know, and someone else told me.Then I finally got angry, and I let you guys see. And I hurt you all. i hurt you, when all I was doign was trying to make myself feel better- I bottled up way too much and I never told you guys any of my genuine feelings. And I pushed you guys too far. I hurt you, and for that I felt like I had to hurt myself. I distanced myself from you guys so you could heal, and now I'm hurting from not having you guys. Im really,really hurting. I feel like I should have pain. I want to be hurt. And I just cant bring myself. Because of my own personal ideals...i love you

Fuck it, I gotta get this out here. Buckle up, wall of text incoming.

Dear Raven,

I told you that I missed you almost two weeks ago, and that I never stopped loving you. I told you I wanted you to be happy with Mr. Perfect-for-you, who you were Positive You Were Going To Marry. I guess I need to tell you; I lied.

I don't miss you.

I don't miss the girl that's living out in California right now, who knows exactly who she is, who lives the glamorous student life with her cast of amazing friends that always have her back. I don't miss the girl that came out to her family to tell them she knows who she is now. I don't miss the girl that convinced her machete-weilding father, her icy mother, and her prude sister that she was doing what she needed to do. I don't miss the girl that left me at the lowest point in my life. I don't miss the girl that sat down with me in the back of the library, soul kissing and holding me tight while she thought of how she was going to get rid of me. I don't miss the girl that told every one of her friends how she wanted to break up with me months before she told me she needed a break and gave me back the little silver ring I gave her. I don't miss the girl who convinced me that she needed to just think things over, then jetted off to a wedding, came back and told me we were done, and then went off to hit every grad party in Gulfport, it seemed. I don't miss the girl I begged to come back, who told me she had met so many better guys, who said she didn't feel anything for me anymore, after she told her friends that she really just wanted to take a break with me and get back with me later (would have saved us a lot of trouble if you'd just told me that, wouldn't you think?).

>>16937002
I don't miss the girl I found after two years of not speaking, who asked me why I hurt her so bad. I'm not passing the blame, or even trying to duck it—I hurt you, bad, and I wish every day I wake up that I could take it back. But I don't miss the girl who I tried to patch things up with, even if I secretly knew we never had another chance. I don't miss the girl who I gave my number to, who I told that I wanted to speak to again just one more time when I was in Florida last, who messaged me later on to tell me she just found this amazing book and couldn't have possibly thought to call me so late, brushing it off like it didn't matter to either of us. And I really don't miss the girl who I poured my heart out to four years after we broke it off, who told me she met The One. It's not that you found him. It's not that you're happy without me. It's that I cried like a bitch right after that, then told you I was just happy you had found him, and that I wanted to be one of those super supportive friends for you. Because right after that, all you could tell me was “Thanks,” like that's all something like that was worth.

I don't know why I can't get you off my mind. Correction, I do know. It's because I miss someone else who looks, and probably acts, an awful lot like you.

I fucked up so badly. I'm so disappointed in myself. I'm trying to get my shit together and begin my life over again, but somehow in the process I caught feelings for someone, and now I'm distracted all the time and can't focus when I'm alone. If I'm around a friend or a group of friends, I can stay in the moment, but when I'm alone, I start freaking out about everything and think about the future, how fucked I am, the past, how fucked up I was, and I end up wasting entire days getting absolutely fucking nothing done. I feel like I'm going crazy. I need to stop these feelings. I can't be with someone right now. Mentally I'm all over the place. I feel like giving up and killing myself suddenly, and some days it goes away, but on the bad days, I feel just awful and I can see that I'm a horrible person to be around. I can't do that to another person. I don't want to bring this negativity into someone else's life, especially someone who seems so stable and genuinely happy with where they are.

In some ways I wish people could see how fucked up I am. It helps me to hide it, but sometimes I want to show people how not-normal I am so they could know to stay away from me and stop expecting me to live the same kind of life as someone who is well-adjusted. I can't turn off my depression like I lightswitch. Stop expecting me to suck it up and suddenly feel better. You don't understand it. I can't take it, some days.

>>16937006
I miss the girl I confessed to on December 15th, who said she was mine two days later. I miss the girl in the black robe and the white paint, who held my hand under the dinner table and explained what tiramisu was (you called it “a piece of heaven,” in case you forgot). I miss the girl who kissed me in the theater office, who was shaking so bad I thought she'd fall off the chair. I miss the girl who would brush my hand as I passed, as we smiled like the pair of young idiots we were. I miss the girl who wore that grey and pink sweater year-round. I miss the girl that was next to me on the couch during Bye Bye Birdie, who I walked home every day that I could. I miss the girl that stayed up with me until 4am the day I was supposed to go to boot camp, who told me to be careful and that she loved me. I miss the girl that was waiting for me a month later, who was just so happy to see me, so happy to hold my hand for a little longer. I miss the girl that I surprised a week after I said I would go back to Mt. Dora, who yelled “Oh my God!” when she saw me and nearly knocked me over when she latched on to me.

>>16937013
I miss the girl I wanted to marry. I miss the girl who tried to convince me that we would have kids together. I miss how I told her I never wanted any children, while secretly thinking about how it was going to be when I finally got to live with her and make that family. I miss dreaming about her. I miss the girl who got jealous when my friend Emily started hanging out with me, like she got jealous when I went to Amber's big birthday party. I miss the girl that cried out for me in the late night, who could only think of me after her horrible, dark dream. I don't know if I can miss the girl I messaged “I love you” to every morning before she went to school, because I don't know if she's still the same girl. I guess that's my fault, because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, and I didn't want to hurt her—except I did, and maybe that's part of the reason you changed into who you are now.

I miss that love we had. I miss the purity of it. I miss the feeling that somehow, someway, we'd make it OK and never worry about the future, because we had each other and that's all that mattered. I miss how she would put a smiley face after she typed “I love you” to me, something that seemed to make that simple three-worded phrase special. Maybe it's not the person I miss. Maybe it's the feeling.

God, I feel like such a failure. Got my STEM degree. Still living with Parents, with a part-time job can't get a good full time job, I don't want to do shit work. Laziness takes over most of the time, and I don't work on my skills, health or read. Fuck I get depressed, then drink too much. I'm tired of it all

>>16937014
I guess what I want to say is, I wish I could find her again. And I suppose that my chance to find her is long, long gone—16 is a headbusting ride, but it only lasts for a short while. You're 22 now. I'm soon to be 25. Something about those numbers brings a lot of fear in me, that I won't ever find that girl again, or anyone like her. I miss ever inch of her, and I'd give my soul to have her again. I think you'll find that if you ever came back to me, well, I'd hardly be able to say “no,” at least at first. You're just so much like her that it hurts. But I don't miss you. I don't know if I even love you.

People change. You changed, I changed, we all changed. But you changed almost overnight, it seems. You hurt me in ways I didn't know I could hurt. And years later, you call yourself back then “Immature” and “young.” What does that make me? A mistake? Was I not worthy of you then? Am I not worthy of you now? Maybe I was just the consolation prize, for a while—in that case, why did you bother with me for two years? It would have been so easy to leave me then, but you had to choose that moment to throw me away, useless to you like a tissue.

I guess now it doesn't matter. When I say I hope you're happy, when I say I hope you and Mr. Wonderful (I don't know his name, I just figured that's the best way to put it) have that long, amazing love that outlasts your own lives, I mean it. When I say that I wish I could go back and fix things, and find a way to keep that girl from changing and warping into whoever she is now, I mean it with every ounce of my heart.

>>16937039

But when I say that I miss you, I'm just a lying son of a bitch. Because I don't. I miss her. And I don't think I'll ever stop loving her. If you see her in your travels, can you please tell her that I'm still waiting for her? I'll never be far—who is anymore, with social media—and she's always welcome in my heart. Please tell The Ghost of Christmas Future that Bob probably won't change his ways anytime soon.

With all my love,

Conrad, or, your left handed, blue eyed blonde haired freak of nature.

>>16937010
anon, I feel the same way all the time. I can't give you any words of encouragement to make you feel better, but just know that you're not alone.

M, please stop. Stop flirting with me. I think about you all the time. I don't want you to want me. You're such a wonderful person. You're rare. You're an oddity. You're so positive and you endure difficulties so well. I don't know how you do it.

I see how much you want to help me with the simplest things. You have a really, really kind heart. If I showed you how much my depression affects me, you'd want to help me with that too. There's no magic cure for it, though. It's something I have to work on by myself, because it's my issue. And I don't know if it will every truly go away, as hard as a try to make it stop. I'm sorry but it's a problem that I don't want you to see. I don't think you would be able to handle it very well. I've seen both my parents break down and cry because, even though they're strong people, they still felt hopeless and sad that I feel this way on an almost daily basis. The more you care, the worse you'll feel. I don't want to do this to you.

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After a year of quiting smoking, i'm jobless now and all i can think of is buying another pack.

>>16937048
I'm sorry you feel this way too, anon. It's fucking awful.

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>>16937002
>>16937006
>>16937013
>>16937014
>>16937039
>>16937043

>>16937068
your initials?

I've never been one to be fond of assholes with entitlement issues. I try really hard to be a decent human being but sometimes I just get my switch turned the wrong way and go into fuck yo shit mode. Yeah neighbors fuck yo trash floating into my yard and fuck yo cars parking on my grass. And the women who piss and moan about women's rights and are the first to expect a handout from a man, work harder a vagina doesn't make you a special snowflake. I believe in individual equality, you work for what you have and nobody owes you shit. I don't have a penis. You treat people how you want to be treated, eye for an eye. I take responsibility for my own actions and I know my flaws. Grrrrrrr. Sad humanity has spiraled into this current state. Thanks for letting me rant.

I've been looking up ways to get rid of a crush. The usual things aren't working: imagining him with someone else (because I already know he's single), focusing on his bad traits (because they're not very serious flaws), imagining he has some horrible disease (I want him emotionally, not physically). Pretending he hates me doesn't work because we're already friends. So the only piece of advice left to try is the one where people suggest replacing one crush with another. I'm not sure I'm ready to do that, though. I don't want to do that to someone. I don't want to go out with another person because they're meant to be a distraction. That would be such a shitty thing to do. Even if I developed feelings for that replacement person somewhere down the line, I would still feel guilty because of how it started. But I really need to get over him. I see him multiple times a week because I work with him, so it's not like I can just ghost him and get him out of my life. I need to stop these feelings, because clearly he doesn't want to be with me.

Should I do it? Should I try going out with some people to try to kill my feelings for him?

>>16937130
I don't think this person has ever been on 4chan. One of my initials is E.
What are the initials of the person you're thinking of?

>>16937107
It really is. There are some days where you're fine like 'alright, I've got my head above water now' but then suddenly you feel this fucking drop out of nowhere and you just want to claw your way out of your own skin.

I want love so badly. I want to love them and have them love me back but I feel like a monster. I can't let them see, I can't let them get close so I scare them away by being cold so I don't have to suffer through them abandoning me because they can't handle it.

I hate carrying my depression around like a big secret, but I don't have anybody that I can trust with the truth.

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I want to be in a relationship with someone but feel like my mild hyperhidrosis would stop any woman from wanting to be with me.

I just want to find another nerdy type like me to spend my life with, but I fear i'll never be with a woman.

>>16937147
>I want love so badly. I want to love them and have them love me back but I feel like a monster.

It's the worst feeling in the world. When that starts washing over me, when I realize I can't make things right, I go and watch scary movies, hit the gym, etc. Because in that moment, I don't fear anything. The worst thing in the world has already happened--what could hurt me more?

I was at a party about an hour ago and ended up sitting outside by myself before my boyfriend found me.
Part of the reason was because the group of people I was with decided to play cards and I ended up getting overlooked. I didn't want to make them start over when I realized it, but I also didn't have anything to distract myself with and kept feeling more sad about being left out.
The other reason was because one of my boyfriend's friends would NOT stop quoting and playing videos from Dragon Ball Z Abridged. It's fine that he likes it, but it just gets kinda annoying!

>>16937147
I am fortunate to have one friend who can handle knowing about my depression, because their spouse has suffered from it for years, so they are used to the really bad lows without feeling the need to run away and ditch the person. But that's one of the problems - that's the only friend who has stayed through my depression. I'm used to everyone else leaving and I can't blame them for it. I was stupid when I was younger and told people who I thought were friends. I was either too stupid to predict what would happen, or too blinded by my own situation to see that this is not the kind of thing any normal person wants in a friend. The depression is awful for me, so I can't imagine how bad it must be for the people around me to watch someone they care about deteriorate in front of them, unable to do anything about it. And then there are obviously people who are just like "Fuck this, I'm out. What's wrong with you anyway? Suck it up" and those are the ones I have had the most experience with. So now I'm constantly afraid that anyone I could potentially have feelings for is going to be that person again. I actually have a feeling that is going to be the mindset of the person I have feelings for right now... On top of everything else I'm feeling, I don't want to go through the hurt of them turning out to be one of those people.

But on the other hand, I also don't want them to be one of the rare ones who wants to stay. Either way it's a fucked situation.

>>16937160
>The worst thing in the world has already happened--what could hurt me more?
Life keeps surprising me with just how bad it can get. So many people I love have died. I don't know whether it's better for it to be sudden or long and drawn out. I've had to deal with both ways, four times. I wish I could believe I've at some point hit rock bottom. But I don't think there is a rock bottom.

Lying in bed next to my sleeping wife and ALL I can think about is another woman.
I miss her so much.

i dont want to make my mom cry but i cant handle living this life anymore. im a failure and i will die one too

>>16937169
lmfao

Thank's very much for standing me up yesterday.
Guess I dodged a bullet.
You clearly have never heard of the wall so good luck to whatever poor man goes out with you in the future.