I'm 24 years old, about to turn 25. I'm married, I've got a kid, I have a decent career, and I've got a housemate who lives in the basement.
I feel like I'm nothing but a fucking beta. I am extremely aware that I am not "alpha" and it is killing me. I cannot stand conflict, it makes me insanely uncomfortable. Even a different of opinion can get my adrenaline rushing.
When my housemate causes problems (which he has many times), I have a hard time holding him at task for it, because I don't want conflict. If I pick up beer for him when I'm out, I feel uncomfortable reminding him when we get home to send over what he owes. I do because I don't fuck with money, but it makes me extremely uncomfortable.
My job, I joined based on the premise of "you'll never have hours outside 8am to 5pm, Monday through Friday." About six months into my position, they say they really value my output, and they'd love to have me help with a small pilot project of only three people, but it's overnight. Three months, a slight pay raise, and I can work from home. I say I'm interested but not committed, and that I'd need more information.
So we decide it isn't right for me, my wife and I. Here I am, working an overnight shift from home, because on three separate occasions they prevented me from backing out after saying I was welcome to, with shit like "Well this is a great opportunity, you should really try it out, it's only a short time," and so on.
Now the other guy who's supposed to be working took off, so I'm alone, and because we have to maintain 100% availability, I am "welcome to take a break or lunch, but need to remain available in case I get contacted. I'll be paid for the additional time, of course." Everyone says to fight for my lunch break because it's a legal right, all I see happening is conflict with my employer and then seeing that I'm not cooperative and less valuable than other candidates.
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>>16890290
(cont.)
How do I stop being a beta fucking shit? This is affecting everything in my life. My perception of myself as a father, my sex drive, and I'm pretty sure my health in general, especially combined with the switch to overnights.
I feel like I let everyone push me around, and I really don't know what to do. I try to tell myself to confront things more, step outside my comfort zone, and all that happens is I don't like it and regress. I can't stand this, this isn't life. This isn't what I perceive to be manly.
>>16890290
Dude, I'm 23 and still going to college. I don't have wife/girlfriend, house or car. You sound like you have it made to be honest. Guess the grass is always greener on the other side etc..
>>16890303
I've made a family and a career, but I don't have a degree under my belt. My van is falling apart, but it works well enough.
I just don't have confidence. I can eke by, but I can't stride. I just see myself as lesser in any group I'm in. With friends, with family, with coworkers.
I'm always at a point where I feel barely adequate. I'm going to a psychiatrist to see if I have ADHD, I've always heard complaints about how I don't try hard enough at things even though I feel like I'm giving things my all, and apparently that leads to lowered self-esteem.
You need to put your foot down and do whats best for you. You don't owe your employer anything beyond your assigned duties and being bullied onto overnights and cheated out of a lunchbreak is beyond the line. Be assertive not aggressive and get what you want. I can't help you with the alpha/beta neuroses. Stop spending so much time here and when you catch yourself thinking about it redirect your thoughts? dismiss the hierarchy altogether and remind yourself we're living in modern times?
Drink your roomates beer or stop picking it up for him until you get the money owed. It may be too late for this as you've already established yourself as someone who's OK with this behavior but conflict gets easier the more you're exposed to it.
You're an adult with a kid. You're already fucking "alpha" man. The alpha of your family. Think about that boy or girl and how you want them to grow up. Do you want them to be a pushover with a seemingly weak father figure? That'd be pretty beta.
Start now. Don't let this go on a minute longer. Push out another week of overnights, I know it sucks because I'm doing it myself and discuss with your boss the terms when you were hired. If there was a contract and you still have a copy or can get one, even better. If all else fails, frame the situation in such a way that they have no other choice but to compromise and put you back on days. It sounds like you guys are understaffed anyway.
>>16890350
That's true that I don't own more, but I feel like fighting with an employer is a great way to lose a salary, so I have no idea what to do.
It is really interesting to think of the dynamics of my family. I have to be the alpha. I do the things I have to do, more often than not. That's really good advice.
Does anyone have any activities or practices to pick up that would lead to more "alpha" traits?
>>16890399
You're not really fighting with them so much as reminding them what you agreed to. Appeal with family needs or something if you have to. Say its straining your relationship with them. I don't know, just some little lies that will get them to seriously consider letting you go back on days. Unless you have the kind of boss that isn't open to dialogue (in which case you should update your resume and consider finding better employment)
As for exercises, when you find yourself in an uncomfortable scenario where you want to back down, do the opposite. Practice being assertive. Google assertiveness exercises. Read "No more Mr.nice guy" and see if you can relate to any of the men in that book with your situation. Read the advice on how they overcame it and incorporate it into your own. Seriously read that book there are free pdfs all over the net.
>>16890417
You're right. I'm not fighting them, I'm sticking to a specifically agreed upon contract. I did give them many legitimate reasons such as family obligations and what not, but my direct manager isn't one of those people who just agrees. He pushes, constantly. Most other things about my company are great, and I do really like my job in the minute to minute. Not necessarily as fulfilling as I'd like (it isn't film, or even really related to true passions of mine, but it isn't awful and pays well enough for now.)
I've got a copy of that book up now. I'll start reading it tonight. I've needed something to read that isn't fiction, anyway! Thanks for the recommendation.
>>16890452
I wish you luck man. I've struggled with similar so I know how it can be. Hopefully things work out for you.
Bumping since it's been about an hour, looking forward to seeing if there are some new people to throw in opinions. Thanks again to anyone who has already given input!
>>16890290
How to stop being a beta faggot in 5 easy steps
>realise that you're the one being fucked over and you owe them nothing
>get angry that you're being used and abused
>use that anger to tell them to fuck off (politely of course)
>realise that you're only a little bitch as long as you allow yourself to be
>continue to stand up for yourself and grow your confidence
It takes a while but you must build yourself up. Life is conflict, you can't run away from problems. The more you face and over come them the easier it becomes.
Grab what little balls you have and stand up for yourself.
>>16890659
You're addressing conflict, but how to go about increasing self-opinion? I find that a large portion of my failure to step up to conflict is my perceived failure to be worth conflict or how conflict can benefit me.
Repeat after me
>not your personal army
You don't owe everyone for the right to exist. Sure a stance may backfire, but you either get used up and thrown away or you take a stand. You don't owe your life to work. You are not their...personal army! You don't owe your housemate...you are not his personal army.
I personally use anger to get myself psyched up to fight. Do what you have to until you're able to act more alpha more often.
>>16890663
Well everything seems to revolve around you not having a back bone, you'd assume getting a back bone would improve your self esteem.
You have to act first and worry about your emotions after, not the other way around.
