My girlfriend and I are 23, we have been together for almost 6 years. Started dating in high school, it has been a good relationship the entire way through. Recently, we have sex maybe once or twice a month and I can tell she's only doing it out of a feeling of obligation.
She has fibromyalgia, a nerve disorder making her sensitive to pain. It also comes with anxiety, depression, IBS, inability to focus, and more. She has basically all these other issues along with sensitivity to touch and pain. She's on antidepressants which help a little bit. They've killed her sex drive over the years. Also on BC which is probably not helping either.
It's like there's this double-negative effect and I feel like there's no real 'solution' to the problem. In addition, the effects of her nerve disorder aren't completely under control (and likely never will be) so there are many occasions where having sex may be ideal, but fatigue or something else comes in and she just ends up asleep. I can't really tell her to get off of antidepressants, and I feel like I couldn't do the same with birth control since neither of us are trying to have a child.
Now of course, I feel like an asshole. She can't control her disorder and I should be there to accommodate and support her. I've done a great job at being supportive and overcoming my own petty issues over the years, but it's getting to the point where I'm having these internal thoughts that are boiling over. Namely, the fact that we never have sex and when we do it's not that great. We are talking missionary position for the sake of procreation. She has never been able to give me a blowjob that has made me orgasm in all of our years. Never bothered me because there was always sex. I have performed oral for her and made her orgasm many times, but recently she stopped shaving and there is a bush making it seemingly impossible now.
CONT (1/2)
>>16891147
CONT (2/2)
In addition, it seems like she only showers once every other day and wears the same underwear pretty often. This sort of bothers me because I consider myself a very clean person. The fact that she is constantly having bowel issues makes me almost disgusted. I also know that women have discharge from their vagina. Believe it or not, this has actually helped me to think about when I'm really turned on so that I don't feel bad about coming onto her and then getting rejected.
I don't know how to bring up these sex drive issues without causing more HARM than good. If I make her aware of the situation, it will probably make it worse. She already has depression and anxiety and self confidence issues. I could bring up the problem but there's no realistic solution to it. Then, in addition to other problems she has to deal with she has to deal with our relationship as a problem, which it never has been.
These are issues I thought people dealt with after 20 years of marriage, not as young twenty year olds.
What do I do? This is my question.
>>16891169
Fuck man
Like I honestly can't even think of a legitimate thing to even attempt
Really your only solution would be to break up, but that comes at the cost of her sake.
You sound kinda pretentious and a little self centered saying that it bothers you that sex isn't often and that shit, but it makes sense.
Honestly you might as well just talk to her about it, and try to sort it out that way, if it makes it worse then you just gotta break up if it really bothers you so much.
>>16891147
OP simple question, do you love her?
>You sound kinda pretentious and a little self centered saying that it bothers you that sex isn't often
Really nigga? Taking the moral high ground on this one? OP is completely justified in his issues. Not going to lie, you're in a tough situation here. It seems like the situation can only get worse from here OP, give like month, if situation doesn't get better you should break it off.
Is she me lol I hardly shower 3 times a week (when I actually hang out with people otherwise probably less) but I'm not that dirty and she might not be too?
You are not selfish for wanting a healthy sexual relationship. You are obviously thinking about this and do not want to hurt her, but the attraction and sex has dwindled.
Not sure what to tell you though lol
If you have severe physical conditions where you are taking several medications then you should opt out of dating.
OP should dump her so she can get better without the financial obligation of dating.
>>16892170
this, fibromyalgia is tough shit and nobody craves sex when they're sick
i think you're all in your right. It's awful that your girlfriend has a physical condition which crashes her libido, but you are a healthy guy who wants to have sex and make love to his girl. Don't feel bad about it.
Now talking about this will be hard, because even if you approach this without any blame at all she will take this personally. Her condition is the cause, afterall. But i'd try to approach this without bumping heads as much as possible. Approach this as a mutual problem, rather than playing a blame-game. Tell her your virtually non existent sexlife is bothering you, as you want to be physically intimate with her. Ask her if there are ways she would like to be pleased intimitaly more, maybe by cuddling (or who knows, a particular kink that gets her going despite her physical condition). In turn, tell her what you'd like and/or how it bothers you you guys don't manage to achieve that in your relationship. Again; make sure not to throw around blame here. It will take a lot for her not to become extremely upset, feel guilty or go into the offense. But no matter how much it hurts; this is a problem in your relationship which you should both look into solving.
Now the lack of hygiene, this is more difficult as this -is- a personal matter. It sounds like she needs a reminder to remain attractive for her partner, not only sexually but also on a very basic level (I mean putting on clean underwear, come on...). I'd throw it big on the positive reinforcement when she does wear something nice(r), compliment how nice she smells when she just gets out of the shower, etc. you may even be so blunt to say things like "I love it when you smell nice" or "i love it when you wear nice underwear". eventually she'll pick up the hint.
I don't want to talk down your gf's problems, because they aren't to be belittled. But your feelings shouldn't either. You probably only have one life and it's too short to be unhappy.
>>16891147
It's going to end up with you getting drunk one night and ending the relationship by fucking a random girl Anon, it's the logical conclusion to this.
She can't help being who she is, but life sucks and you aren't asexual.
>What to do
Have an honest chat with her about what this means to you and the instant she uses her condition to make you stay that's when the relationship becomes poisonous and you need to leave.
If you're scummy enough you can use the classic trick of a friend knocking on the door for a pretend emergency when it's time to leave.
>>16891147
You're dating someone who isn't 100%, op.
You're going to have to make accommodations. Sexual experience is going to be less carnal and more erotic. You're going to have to hold her more and penetrate her less. Her bush too thick for you to go down on her? Hold her gently and trim her with an electric clipper. She doesn't want to shower? Get in there with her and rub her down. Bad day with anxiety, depressiom, fibro? Make her favorite food and give her some space.
She's not 100% you're going to have to take up the slack.
>>16891147
Damn maisey, you be looking fine all grown up now.
maybe she is depressed and anxious because she understands that she is in a relationship that she can't fulfill?
You should always talk about stuff like this. Just dont be accusatory, be understanding and listen to what she says.
So when was she molested and who was the one who molested her?
And then you can ask me how I knew to ask that question.
Hey OP, I have been in a relationship where I am the 'sick' person but I have also been the person who wanted more sex in a relationship too.
I have a pretty severe mental illness and I get severe, blinding migraines.
Not talking about sexual issues harmed my relationship with my (now ex) fiance.
I am going to tell you though, it wasn't entirely about the sex. I actually would have loved to be more sexually active with him if he had:
A- Been more emotionally intimate with me. His emotional distance from me actual made recovering from mental health relapses much, much more difficult than if I had been with a more accommodating partner.
and
B- Pressured me less to partake in certain sexual things that I just wasn't as into - such as certain fetishes and kinks - when I was up to doing sexual things.
That said, I can't lay all of the blame on him either. He had every right to want sex and want his specific kinks addressed (Shit, he was open with me about them when we first hooked up and I was even into it.)
It's a sticky situation. In the end, he split with me. It wasn't entirely for sexual reasons but I know it was definitely a part of the equation. In time I have realized him doing this actually was the best thing for me because I was able to focus on myself and learning better coping techniques for my next relationship.
