My ex has borderline personality disorder.
I feel very guilty about where I went wrong in our relationship, but sometimes I feel like they would've been upset and unhappy and unstable no matter how well I'd done.
Is that accurate?
i'm in the same boat, op. could you provide more details? if not that's your call
>>16793352
No, I think someone else's mental illness is 100% your fault, and you should feel bad.
>>16793356
They'd just end up mad about shit no matter what.
They'd bring up some issue in the relationship and have outbursts over it and once it'd finally been addressed they'd cycle onto something else.
They'd catastrophize everything. I'd never met someone who would drastically over-think things so intricately and for the sole purpose of making a huge depressing deal out of mole hills.
Their method of arguing boiled down to browbeating me into apologizing even if they were clearly in the wrong.
They would always sense aggression in me no matter how carefully I'd choose my words.
They treated their misdeeds like they were off-limits during an argument but would bring up mine all the time.
They considered me responsible for their life issues (alcoholism, lack of drive, etc) because they felt I wasn't doing enough to contain them.
They cheated on me and felt that I drove them to it by not being able to fix all of the above. The relationship sputtered on for a few more weeks, but that was when it truly died I feel. I could deal with the rest of the stuff and loved them enough to want to keep trying, but when that happened, I couldn't look at them the same, and would always be paranoid of whether they might do it again.
>>16793380
yep. aside from the cheating (maybe) and alcoholism, everything you said sounds really fuckin familiar. idk if my ex has BPD for sure and i definitely can't diagnose her, but yeah, everything else you said could directly describe a lot of my relationship with my her.
sorry i can't be of much more help, op, but i can say that (i think) i know how you feel. it sucks a lot.
for what it's worth, i'll try to give some advice. take it with a grain of salt, because i'm not wise or anything. it sounds like you had it worse to boot.
in any case, the relationship is over. it sounds like you tried your damnedest to work things out and they didn't. she even cheated on you.
it seems you like you did everything you could have. especially if she has BPD, there was nothing you could have done without her seeking the help of a professional as well. don't blame yourself. things just didn't work out. i think you should try to move forward. you tried to give her your love and it didn't mean much to her, so you should put that energy into someone else. put some of it towards yourself, too.
>>16793472
I think past a certain point the diagnosis itself doesn't matter; if someone strongly behaves in a way that's stereotypical of BPD, what's the difference?
I didn't do everything I could have. But I question whether it would have even mattered. Even people who hadn't known her for very long would tell me she was oddly negative and prone to dramatizing.
>>16793472
I think the most overlooked thing about people with BPD is how good they are at convincing you that you're at fault, and that happiness is easily within reach and you're just failing them in reaching it.
My ex treated me like shit, period. But I still get emotional when I think about how maybe if I had done X or hadn't said Z, everything could have been fine. That's her doing. I don't think any neutral observers could have imagined a relationship with someone like her going well for long. She'd always find something.
>>16793472
>>16793380
Hmmm one of my exs shares a lot of these traits and may fit the BPD category, the more you know. Thank god I got the fuck out of there.
Yes, it is accurate. You have to realize that they're were essentially projecting all of their problems on you. You were kept around as an object of blame.
Losing you is no big deal, as they can go pick up another new shiny object of blame everywhere. It will work out at first, because to them new people are absolutely exciting, but once the newness wears off the cycle will repeat.
It takes time for you to recover, because you were essentially shat on for a long period of time. Focus on your recovery and regaining self-esteem.
>>16793480
>I think past a certain point the diagnosis itself doesn't matter; if someone strongly behaves in a way that's stereotypical of BPD, what's the difference?
fair, but many mental illnesses have symptoms that are similar to each other. you make a good point though. if it makes you feel that way, it's six or two threes at that point.
>I didn't do everything I could have.
i think it's safe to assume that it wouldn't have made a difference to her, given what you've said. just out of curiosity, what do you feel like you could have done?
>>16793517
I could've just been more attentive in general. I was always pretty bad at picking up on signs that she'd wanna do an activity or start a project together.
But like I said, probably doesn't matter. I know I was a pretty great boyfriend for the most part and she'd even say so herself. And that still didn't keep me from getting cheated on and told to kill myself, and I don't want to date someone who's prone to doing those things in the first place.
We dated for a little over 2 years. There were a lot of small, one-day breakups where she'd explode on me, tell me to fuck off, and then crawl back the next day.
7 of those in the final two weeks, actually. Can you believe that shit? Hell, it might've been 8.
Shit was just irreparable after the cheating and she couldn't see why. She thought it was good enough that it was just to spite me and that she didn't actually have feelings for the guy.
Ch'yeah, lemme go fuck this friend of mine who's been thirsty for my cum for like 5 years, it's fine if I don't actually like her, right?
This is getting ranty. I'll stop.
>>16793557
>I could've just been more attentive in general. I was always pretty bad at picking up on signs that she'd wanna do an activity or start a project together.
right. there are things i could have done to make things better in my relationship, too. but i've come to realize that the very first time something bad came up (something i probably would have no control over or would have never seen coming), none of that would matter.
and everyone needs to rant sometimes, OP. i'm actually really glad i stumbled across this thread. i needed to read your story and the posts from all of the other anons.
>>16793673
Thanks man I feel the same way. When I'm mentally stuck in that world where only her and I exist, her bullshit makes a lot of sense. Seeing other people call it crazy is what dispels it.
>>16793352
Fuck. Do i have BPD? I sound like this person. I would never cheat though, i just eat. I wouldnt blame yourself. Ever.
>>16793720
Being devastatingly impulsive is a big part of the diagnosis it seems. For young women this often takes a sexual route.
>>16793794
I am male.
>>16793821
In men it tends to be more along the lines of temper issues.
It is your fault for being so arrogant to think you can help such a person. Help yourself first, always.
>>16795116
awesome republican mentality passed on from generations of abuse
no idiot, you can still help people regardless of your situation.
you are a fucking moron, get the fuck out of this country
>>16795136
sure, you can help others, but you can't really do much for mentally ill people. i say this as someone who has some experience with mental illnesses (my own, those of others, and being in a relationship with someone who was mentally ill)
you can try to stick through the symptoms, or be there for the person, but that's the most you can ever do. a lot of the time that isn't enough
>>16793352
Yes, that is accurate. Nobody deserves the kind of shit being in a relationship with someone who is borderline will drag you through.
It's also true that this sucks for people who are suffering a mental illness, but you can't fix them or make them okay. There is no amount of perfect that will heal them, it will only slowly burn you out.
My BDP ex was a psycho. Everyone should be told to steer clear of people with this disorder. They're cruel and abusive. Thought I didn't know she was mental, it crept up over some years until she got a diagnosis.
She was very good at making me feel to blame for the problems in our relationship and treating me like shit. After a while you think it's normal.
Worst bit is that it nearly drove me mad. I almost had a breakdown after I ended it for her cheating and trying to fucking cuck me. I couldn't afford a place in my own and was trapped. I remember moving out and going to a friend's house, who offered to put me up for a while, and sitting in bed that night, and all I felt was pure relief that it was over.
>>16795582
It was that fast? It's taken me a couple weeks to stop feeling constant gut-wrenching over my ex.
>>16795136
I'm sorry but you are the one who is showing signs of either disconnection from reality or currently studying for a degree in the social sciences.
When you deal with abused wives, the family's of drug addicts, co-dependency, or similar cases, the GO TO phrase is 'take care of yourself first' and has been for decades. Fucking decades you ignorant little shit. Stop spouting your idealistic bullshit your highschool taught you and come back when you have a couple years out of mommy's house under your belt.
>>16795599
When I decided it was over I never looked back. I saw her after that for getting my stuff and sorting out issues with money but I never regretted or questioned myself once. I was so happy to be free. I was looking after myself and she could go to hell. I think she was a nasty person, BDP or not, I can't see how the stuff she did can be excused entirely by her condition. BDPs are not incapable of telling right from wrong.
We were together years but the week I left she moved some other sap in (someone she'd only known literally a couple weeks) and got pregnant almost straight away. Un-fucking-believable. Later she asked to make up and that we could pretend it was mine!
Barking mad. That's when I thought my life was turning into a plot from a TV soap. As I said, never any regrets for leaving.
>>16793507
You clearly don't know anything about BPD and shouldn't be adding your two cents. Abandonment is absolutely devastating to someone with this disorder and losing a partner after a break up is fucking brutal. Losing someone is a huge fucking deal.
>>16793352
It's not accurate, but if you're dating someone with BPD that isn't actively working through DBT or some sort of therapy, it certainly can be. BPD is a disorder driven by intense fear and anxiety and emotional pain and living with those emotions being the things you feel most commonly, it's very hard to sustain any type of normal relationship.
>>16795749
i've been diagnosed BPD and i know better than to get into a relationship with someone because of how i'd act. a lot of times i do things without even knowing why, or being able to stop my reactions, but that still doesn't give someone an excuse to knowingly get into a relationship with someone else when they know they're mentally ill and would make the other person take on their issues. even with my BPD i know better than to subject them to that shit. OPs gf sounds like a shitty, stupid person in general, it's not just her BPD.
>>16795771
Yeah, I'm not saying not to leave her, but to say that people with BPD don't care when a relationship ends and it's just on to the next is a lie.
>>16795771
You think that people with BPD shouldn't have relationships? What about friendships? What's the difference?
>>16795775
OP here, not who you were replying to. I know what you're getting at but it feels cloudy to me.
I know for a fact she's been messing around with the dude she cheated on me with since immediately after we broke up. Poor kid doesn't have a clue what he's getting into.
I know if she ever contacts me again I'll wanna spit in her face for it, and she'll probably make some long dramatic speech about how it's petty for me to care about that because she just loves me so gosh-darned much and it shouldn't matter who else she fucks.
Forget BPD, that's just her being shitty and rationalizing/downplaying her shit.
>>16795792
Most def. In no way am I advocating for you to go back to her. It's hard for people that don't have BPD to rationalize an individual with BPD's behavior (because it's NOT rational), but to her, she probably really fucking believes what she's saying. Does that mean that you should allow her to abuse you and treat you like shit? Not even kind of.
>>16795809
>she probably really fucking believes what she's saying
Yeah, fuck that noise, there's no long-term future with a person like that.
The rationalization games were off the charts. For days she'd deny having had much to do with that guy whenever I'd prod, because apparently all they did was have sex once and I never directly asked about *that*. Yeah, forgive me for asking "were you on a date with that dude" figuring that'd be a natural step before what ended up happening.
And when I finally found out? She readily admitted to it and said she thought I already knew. It was prepared-out-the-ass gaslighting for if I ever cracked her little code and straight-up asked if they fucked; immediate downplaying of why I should even care.
Thank God this happened to me in my mid-twenties. If a girl in high school pulled this shit I fear for where my opinion of women would be right now.
>>16795829
Yeah, gaslighting is big move for people with BPD. At least you're wise enough to not generalize this particularly shitty experience to all women. Stay away from her, understand the blame isn't yours, and good luck in the future, man.
>>16795781
There's a fuckton more emotional investment in a romantic relationship than a friendship.
>>16793352
Thank you for these threads, this is actually what got me started on adv. I was so lost after my breakup with my ex blaming myself with guilt an anon suggested she had bpd after reading my story, and I did the research and began to heal, this was 2 yrs ago and life is good again.
>>16796419
It really feels like half this board is sad because they had a BPD ex and the other half is sad they have no exes at all.
>>16793352
BPD can't be helped. It's painful to leave the crazy, but they NEVER get better and usually get much worse.
I married one without knowing what that was. She drank herself to death.
You cannot fix other people.
You cannot fix other people.
You cannot fix other people.
Not even with love. Save yourself and forgive yourself any guilty feelings. I still have survivors guilt three years later. It's normal and takes time to heal.
Avoid crazy for the rest of your life, so you HAVE a "rest of your life".
Peace.
>>16796637
thanks for this, anon
>>16796881
Hey man, hearing "he/she's crazy" from other people is the #1 best cure for getting away from a BPD person's manipulation.
>>16793352
It's mostly accurate OP, those people cannot be pleased
>>16796618
nailed it
