When I was 18, I was in a long distance relationship with a girl I knew from middle school. I never told my parents about it because I assumed they wouldn't let me drive to see her as often as I did because of my inexperience with driving at the time. Despite both of us using protection, she became pregnant. I don't really know what happened, maybe my condom broke, but the fact is we were both wearing protection. Naturally, this became a huge deal. I tried talking her into getting an abortion, but she morally was opposed to it having been a big Christian at the time. So then I said because we are 18, we are incapable of supporting a child; we should give it up for adoption. We agreed. I stayed with her and helped her through it, but then I went to college around the time her third trimester stopped. I tried being supportive, but it wasn't the same. She told me she decided to keep it, and I flipped out saying that she was being selfish. She cut me out of her life. She figured we had made our decisions. She never pressed me for child support or anything because as far as she was concerned, it was her baby. Our relationship has been a strained one ever since. I was able to sort of make peace with it all because I figured she made her decisions and I made mine. Subsequently, she's been married since then, and the baby has an adopted father, which is good. So I don't necessarily feel bad for abandoning the baby because I was never given an option to raise the baby. She and I have only spoken a few times since this has all transpired and she's made it clear that it is her life and that she does not want me involved to complicate it.
Now just very recently I just got out of a 4 year relationship with a girl I wanted to marry. She cheated on me, lied to me, emotionally abused me, and still let me bend over backwards to do her things(she didn't have a car or a license until very recently so I took her everyone and went out of my way to try and help the relationship.) I told her on date 1 what happened because I did not want any false pretenses and we made it work, but I could tell it never rested easy with her. She always used it as ammunition because of how vulnerable I was to it. It would make me cry without fail. I went to see her about two weeks after the break up to get answers because at the time I was unaware of the infidelity. I offered her compassion and forgiveness. I loved her. I told her that we can use that moment as a point to stop the rolling boulder and push back. She warmed to the idea, knowing that I'd still forgive her. But then she felt trapped for some reason and lashed out. She said a lot of hurtful things and again used my previous relationship as a weapon telling me that I should tell my parents. I agreed, but I told them now wasn't the time.
So this has haunted me since, it's been almost two weeks since. This whole thing has riddled me with guilt ever since. I never told my parents any of this. At the time I was afraid to tell the truth because I was scared. And they had a slew of problems of their own. My dad's mother died two summers before that, his brother the summer before, and his father almost died that summer. He was slowly developing a problem with alcohol as his wife/my mom wasn't emotionally supportive enough at the time. Their relationship was strained. And my brother, who was about 27 at the time was living at home and about to be kicked out. The home atmosphere was tense. I haven't come clean because it's been 5 years since this all happened. They're extremely Catholic Conservative now, which they weren't at the time. I feel like the damage would be severe. We have a good relationship. I feel like I'll lose my parents forever, because their capacity for compassion is not what it used to be and just the betrayal and mental gymnastics on my part makes this all the more difficult to swallow.
I don't know what to do about anything. The first girlfriend is beyond contact(changed her number), the second girlfriend I believe still has feelings for me, but that's another story that's superfluous to this(though it makes me feel depressed), and I don't know how to approach the subject with my parents. If I even should.
What should I do?
Give me a fucking tl;dr holy shit I'm not reading an essay this early god damn.
Why do you feel like you need to tell your parents about all of this now?
You've kept this all secret so long, because you think they'll reject you for all of this? Only you truly know your parents, so you would be the only one to answer if you should ever tell them or not. If you feel like they will completely drop you, and you don't want that to happen, then just keep your mouth shut. Did both girls break up with you? The last one whom lashes out and such, would NOT waste my time.
Yeah, why exactly do you need to do anything at all about this?
Seems like your most recent ex has gone and guilt tripped you into believing you need to fix something that don't need fixing. If you can't have a relationship with your biological child, them what's the point in telling your parents they became grandparents five years ago? If you ever want to get to know your child for your own sake, reach out to your high school sweetheart, but make sure you do it for your own and/or the child's sake - not anyone else's. THEN, if all went right, then you could inform your parents.
In the meantime let go of your ex, make peace with yourself.
>>16641974
The chances of getting pregnant doing it natural 1 time are small. If you were both using protection its just about impossible. That kid isn't yours. Sorry OP.
>>16642035
Because it's a huge secret and I have a heavy conscience. I feel like I'll never find a partner in life who accepts me because of this whole thing so I feel like I have to set it right.
>>16642045
Yeah, I mean my fear of losing my parents is definitely a driving factor. And yeah, they both broke up with me. The first one broke up with me because of disagreeing over the baby. She wanted to keep it. I did not. So she severed ties. The second one fell out of love with me after nearly 4 years of being together.
>>16642100
I feel like no matter who I date, this will be a huge issue. Though you are right, I haven't made peace with the break up yet.
>>16642130
No, it's mine. I'm sure of it. My condom must have broke and she must have not been taking her birth control correctly.
>>16642137
Yeah, no, DNA test, not "logic"
>>16642173
The mother of the baby was raped when she was 15. She had serious intimacy problems. I'm pretty convinced the baby is mine.
>>16642178
That just reduced my confidence.
>>16642178
She lied about wanting to give up the baby, she could just as easily have lied about not being intimate with someone else.
>>16642137
>>16642178
Ya, no. It's possible the the stars alligned just right and the kid really is your but the chance of her just having cheated is way greater.
Her behavior seems to suggest she knows its not yours as well. Who ever heard of a women who didn't want child support?
>>16641974
Just lie and say that your ex just told you that she had your child to your parents. That you just found out but you are certain its yours.
Also if you want to be in the childs life its illegal for her to cut off contact with you. But then youd have to pay child support.
OP, your a good guy, stay that way as it will help you in your future in finding the way that is yours. That child you had, if it is truly yours, will seek you out in time. If they grow up to be anything near a decent and self-respecting human being then they will find you to make some kind of connection sometime. Be ready for that. Forget these girls that you've romanced in the past, they sound seriously twisted, especially since they cheated on you and knew what urks you only to device that shit against you multiple times. Just let all of that be, it's gonna be hard, but you have to remember it's temporary. When you do make it through this, do not have past fuck-ups story time with new opportunities. Never divulge your past misfortunes to anyone that you want to have something positive and healthy with. Stay independent of your family as well, that's more stress in your life that you do not need right now. Take some time to yourself to do things you enjoy, maybe make some friends and most of all stop stressing over what is past.
How old are you now btw?
>>16642670
I'm 24. I really appreciate the kind words too. This shit has weighed heavily on me for years now, and my ex using it as ammunition has kind of dug up old feelings.
>>16642361
I thought about that too. But a lie within a lie, I don't know.
>>16642222
I don't think she lied about that, it is fairly common for women to grow emotionally attached and then change their mind.
>>16641985
about what? dont tell your parents, its your secret now (though you could just add that girl on facebook lets be real here). move on and let your child have its own life, and dump your crazy gf and never talk to her again cuz she is frankly, the worst.
>>16642724
The first ex blocked me on Facebook years ago. and then I deleted my Facebook like 6 months ago. Yeah, this recent ex was my best friend for 4 years. But then she cheated on me, lied to me about her feelings and about cheating, used me, and emotionally abused me. Fucking sucked. When I went to see her two weeks after she dumped me via text, after I brought her walls down, she used my previous relationship as a means of hurting me, and told me that a picture I sent her a week before she dumped me, which was a picture of us from the first few months of us dating made her feel sick inside and that when she kisses the new guy she has the same look on her face that she does in the picture. She's a monster now, and I don't know where it came from.
>>16641979
>I told her on date 1 what happened because I did not want any false pretenses
Highly inappropriate first date conversation.
First date is more like "what kind of music do you listen to, how many siblings do you have, did you go to college, what movies do you enjoy". You're lucky you ever saw this woman again.
>>16642826
She and I had hung out for about 2 months beforehand, she had a huge crush on me. I just wanted to make sure it was something she really wanted. I wanted no secrets. Then I find out almost half a decade later that she kept secrets from me.
Incidentally, the previous girlfriend now lives on the other side of the ocean.
