So, last night I had an argument with my girlfriend of 1.5 years. Our weekly "ritual" is to meet once during the week, and once on Saturday night for datenights. I'm a pretty horny dude, so I always initiate (which I don't mind). She rejects me EVERY.SINGLE.TIME unless it's like super-late, last thing we do on Saturday night. So we have pretty boring sex once per week, and I've been in denial that it's only because we only see each other twice per week (50% rate not bad right?), but it's been getting closer to the point where we're thinking about moving in together, and because of her rejecting me constantly I've been growing increasingly-worried that sexually nothing will change (that 1/2 rate will be moving to 1/7)...
We've been spending a lot more time together the last couple of weeks because of the holidays, going to parties and such. Just this week, we had three separate occasions before Saturday where I was horny, she had been flirting/teasing me, we had some alone-time, basically everything prepped to go, but when I go to initiate I get shutdown again...So now last night, we do our usual Saturday night thing and it gets to sex. I have to like talk her into letting me go down on her (which I do because she can't cum from penetration), which goes really well, as it always does and she gets off. I get on top and go to work for about 10 minutes, and I get tired, ready to switch positions, and she literally tells me "get on with it, you're taking too long". Of course this instantly kills the mood, I get angry and didn't even finish.
Before she leaves, I try and talk to her about what just happened, and she basically told me that sex (not just with me, she's had partners before me also) doesn't feel good to her, and she only does it because she knows I like it...basically what I've suspected/feared. Then she says that she doesn't see it as a problem at all, and I should be happy just having sex. I try to explain to her that it's not at all satisfying to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex, but she just kept refusing to acknowledge it as a problem, or try anything new to try and make sex feel better for her. She's acting like it's completely normal for women to "go through the motions" without desiring sex, or thinking sex feels good.
I really love this girl, and every other part of our relationship is amazing....but I can't live the rest of my life being completely undesired, having boring sex only because she feels obligated. Do I have any options to try and help her? As I see it, if she doesn't want to help herself, my only two options are to have the sexual part of our relationship with other women, or just break it off completely...
>TLDR; basically confirmed that my girlfriend is giving me duty-sex, doesn't see it as a problem, and refuses to try anything to compromise/improve/change
Break up with her. This is not a good woman.
It seems like she knows herself pretty well here. Some people really are just like that, OP, it doesn't mean they're broken or need to change. It may seem like a problem to you, but it's not a problem to her, and you should stop forcing it on her as a problem. She shouldn't be forced to change who she is just to make you happy. She gave you a solution, but it isn't your tastes (understandably).
So no, there isn't anything you can do to "help" her. Anything you do to "help" her is selfishly motivated so you can happily have sex without feeling guilty. Yes, it would improve sex for her too, but again, she doesn't see this as a problem, so you're still forcing your "solution" on her.
You've both said your pieces and explained the feelings behind them. Her solution isn't to your tastes, so it's time to propose new solutions that aren't "fixing" her and making her like sex more. You're correct. The other options are to live with your sexual frustration and not bring it up again, open the relationship sexually, or break up.
>>16638755
seconded
>>16638752
fucking ugly shoes
>>16638752
>and every other part of our relationship is amazing
you can get a 2d waifu for every other part, the sex is what you'd want a 3D one for.
>>16638755
>>16638794
I feel like this is the answer that's been staring me in the face, but it just seems like a shitty reason to break up an otherwise great relationship...
>>16638788
This is exactly how I feel / what I've realized after thinking about it some more this morning, so thanks for the thoughts. On the other hand, I've changed a ton for her, and I don't see change as a bad thing at all. You have to change to improve who you are as a person, and I can honestly say that since we've started dating I've become a much better person because of the changes she's "pressured" me into making. I feel like this should be a super simple thing where we should work together to improve...
>>16638797
agreed
>>16638801
true...that's basically what I was trying to explain to her last night. A sexless relationship is really just a strong friendship.
>>16638821
Did you change purely because she wanted you to and it would have made her happy, or because you saw the changes as being beneficial and you wanted to do it of your own free will, and she just acted as the catalyst for that change?
I don't think you're wrong. I thought my ex was good at sex, but got damn my husband has made me experience things I never thought possible, and some of that did stem from letting him do things I was convinced I didn't like (no, not anal, stfu) because my ex was bad at them/wouldn't do them.
My point is that the desire to change has to come from within her. If she doesn't think anything is wrong, your attempts at convincing her otherwise, that things could be different, just come off as selfish and pressuring, even if you do genuinely want sex to be amazing for her. It sucks, but if you can't let it go, you can't let it go. Yes, she's missing out, but if she's happy the way things are, then the only person upset is you, unfortunately. If you point out you changed for her, then you're just being manipulative and using the fact you changed as a tool to get what you want. You can't do that. It's not really change, it's just something you're using against her.
>>16638749
She has nice arms.
Just slip her a micky
That's not going to work anon. I see my Bf once a week and that one night we fuck around 3-7 times.
>>16638821
being sexually incompatible with someone is a perfectly understandable dealbreaker, if it wasn't a big deal everyone would just have their relationships with the same sex because they're easier to get along with.
Of course, SHE might act like you're a shallow person for breaking up with her because she clearly doesn't understand your position or feelings at all, or at least she doesn't care.
>>16638856
Her and I are both kind of stubborn in our own ways. I was the kind of guy that truly didn't care what people thought of me, and I wasn't a slob, I didn't have bad hygiene, but I didn't take pride in my appearance at all (My entire wardrobe outside of work clothes was different pairs of basketball shorts and t-shirts, I didn't own a single pair of pants, I just got a buzz-cut so I didn't have to mess with my hair). This is going to sound worse than it is, but the main reason I changed was because I could tell she didn't like it...I hadn't worn a pair of jeans since I was like eight years old because they just felt uncomfortable, but I went to the store with her and bought a couple pairs and forced myself to get used to them. Now I don't mind wearing them, and it would feel weird going anywhere other than the gym in basketball shorts.
That's just one example, but my point is that I was resistant to that change at first too, but now I look back and think...she was completely right, I looked like an idiot; albeit a comfortable idiot. I equate these two situations, I want us to work together to improve something of hers just like she's helped me to improve where I was lacking...Just seems crazy that she'd be willing to throw away 1.5 years without even trying. I would COMPLETELY understand if we tried to fix it, and came to the conclusion that it just couldn't be fixed (And of course I use the word "fixed" loosely here since it usually implies a problem).
>>16638885
This is what I'm most afraid of...she's going to let me go without trying, while the onus of responsibility for the breakup is on me since she's fine with the way things are. Then after a while she's going to realize that she wants to actually try, but it'll be too late (without going into much detail, I'll probably move far, far away if we don't continue the relationship). I know her better than anyone, and it's just really frustrating that I can't get through to her, and I know if we break-up because of something like this she WILL end up regretting it later.
>Find her fetish.
>>16638749
Hi OP,
Usually sex doesn't improve once you move in together. If anything it tends to decrease a little. You might get a slight bump in regularity at first but it will ultimately slow down. If she doesn't enjoy sex and you haven't been able to have a discussion on what you can do differently to make it enjoyable and something she craves then you are probably just not compatible sexually. I have been there and being sexually frustrated is not a fun feeling and will ultimately breed resentment on your and her part. She will think that you only care about sex and you will feel like she doesn't find you attractive or desirable because she doesn't want to have sex with you. I hate to say it but you should probably break up unless you can really sit down and figure out how to make sex intensely fun for her so she wants it more regularly. The fact that you two are a year and half in and arguing about it means that you are already probably incapable of communicating each others needs. I think a lot of people discount the importance of sex in romantic relationships, regular sex is a sign of a good strong relationship.
>>16638930
Okay this was my first thought too, but I've brought it up in the past, and she vehemently claims that she has zero sexual fetishes....I literally didn't know that was a possibility. I thought perhaps she was just hiding one (I have one that I've kept to myself because it's a little farther "out there"), but she assures me that's not the case... It's just the strangest thing because outwardly, she's a very flirty person, her sense of humor is very sexual...but now it's like the more I find out about her, the more it seems like she's asexual.
>>16638937
Wow, that's almost exactly what I was trying to say to her last night, but couldn't really get it out properly. Thanks.
I might suggest you go to /lgbt/'s asexual general and read a bit about their experiences to get a sense of where your girlfriend is coming from.
I'm on the grey-asexual spectrum and did the same thing as your girlfriend. I'll tell you this: it doesn't get better.
What do you want from her? For her to enjoy it? That's not something you can really force on yourself. She is doing all she can do, and that's go along with something she doesn't want to do, but doing it anyway for your sake. Maybe you can convince her to do it more often, or maybe she'll get better at her acting skills, but she can't just will herself to like something she doesn't like.
You are not sexually compatible.
>>16638979
Also I'll add on, if you want to ask me anything I'd be happy to.
For example: I understand that between two sexual people, regular sex makes for a healthy and happy couple. For me, I don't like having regular sex. It actually makes me unhappy.
I've reduced myself to avoiding relationships at the moment, since I know it'll make any sexual person I date unhappy. But I want to emphasize that just because sex is important to you to feel loved and desired, doesn't mean its important to her nor necessary for feeling loved and desired. Neither of you are wrong. Just incompatible.
>>16638994
Thanks. The only question I can think of to ask is one that probably varies from person to person, and likely won't apply in this case...but if you were in a relationship with someone that you loved, and you realized you were asexual. Would you prefer for the person you loved to have sex with other people while still with you? Or just end the relationship? I guess what I'm getting at is, do you still feel a sexual possession/jealousy of that person, even though you don't want to have sex with them?
>>16638954
>she's a very flirty person, her sense of humor is very sexual
Another thing from me, I am similar. Since I don't have much of a sex drive, sex is very interesting/funny to me. I don't always understand it. So it's fun to joke about. And something I had to learn was the implications of flirting. Flirting is fun, but it doesn't turn me on. I didn't realize it turned people on sexually.
>>16639020
For myself personally, I don't have any problem with jealousy. I don't get possessive. I actually encouraged a past boyfriend to seek other girls for sex, before I knew what I know now about polyamory.
How does she react to you spending time with other women? Does she seem clingy or jealous in other ways?
But I worry that other women won't be enough for you. Because it doesn't sound like the majority of your issue is that you have blue balls, huh? You feel rejected by her, it hurts that she isn't attracted to you.
What happens when you find a woman who does have a sex drive? Someone who looks at you with the lust you wish you saw from your gf's eyes?
Sounds like after 1.5 years you've got into a pretty dull routine
>>16639098
> I actually encouraged a past boyfriend to seek other girls for sex
She's half-jokingly done the same for me in the past, but I'm sort of old-fashioned in that I'm definitely a one-woman type of guy and she knew that so I sort of assumed she was just messing with me.
>But I worry that other women won't be enough for you. Because it doesn't sound like the majority of your issue is that you have blue balls, huh? You feel rejected by her, it hurts that she isn't attracted to you. What happens when you find a woman who does have a sex drive? Someone who looks at you with the lust you wish you saw from your gf's eyes?
This is 100% how I feel. We're not old, but we're not young either (28) and neither of us has felt anything like what we have now. I know without a doubt that I'm put-together enough to go out and have a quality girl within the week if I wanted to...but I sincerely doubt things outside the bedroom will be as good with anyone else. It just sucks because I know exactly what we need to happen for this relationship to work, and TO ME it seems attainable...Maybe I just need to come to grips with the fact that it won't ever happen.
> Flirting is fun, but it doesn't turn me on. I didn't realize it turned people on sexually.
Wow, this actually makes a ton of sense towards explaining some situations we've had in the past, long before we started dating (we had some very different accounts of things that happened when we were just friends).
>>16639134
It's always been like that though. In fact, it was worse when we first started dating. Took months of "taking it slow" before we started our sexual relationship, and then it was sometimes 3 weeks between times. Looking back it's weird, because things have improved since then...just not in the way I had hoped.
