Just offer kind words and be there to listen. That's all you can do. Maybe offer an opinion if it's asked for.

I've been through stressful situations and that's what my SO did. There was nothing he could actually do, so he always listened to my rants/complaints/bitching for however long I needed to talk, he left me alone when I needed to cool down, he did little things to ease my stress (washed the dishes, lowered the volume on his video games, etc.), just stuff like that. Having someone to listen and just acknowledge "Yeah, that sucks man" helps. Hugs don't hurt, either.

Honestly, they can only do so much for you though. Your problems are your own to solve, and as kind as my SO is, he never coddles me or lets me feel sorry for myself. I tend to wallow and when I ask him, "What should I do?" he always tells me it's up to me to decide. He's always logical, which pisses me off in the moment, but looking back it helped me gut through whatever I had to do.

So, he's kind and listens when something happens, but when it's time to take action, he doesn't let me throw a pity party and pout the whole time I'm working through something.

>>16638539
But how would I express to my boyfriend that I need that?

He takes my issues so lightly. He even occasionally jokes about it morbidly or teases me about my personal problems to our friends.

We argued about that last night. He listened but didn't really respond or say he would at least stop doing that.

But believe me, the moment anything bad happens to my boyfriend, he wants me to throw him a pity party.

>>16638499
>what do you want from me?
For me, having a second head that is on my side to help think about possible solutions (and possibly to take up some of the burden of following up).

A sympathetic ear if nothing else.

In my experience, most women and younger guys are not interested in solutions, they just want the latter. I don't know if that's the case here too. If I were you I'd be way more interested in getting advice on my real, immediate problems than on my relationship problem. Maybe you've already pursued all the possibilities, I don't know.

Anyway, a lot of guys who don't get that what you're looking for is emotional support can end up feeling very uncomfortable and defensive when you present a problem that they can't fix, as though venting your problems to them means you're presenting a complaint that you expect them to take care of, or that they feel useless to someone they want to protect.

Some guys just don't want to have to deal with negative shit at all and only want the fun times, and some guys are just uncomfortable with a situation where they don't know what is expected of them.

So what did you tell him you wanted from him? Did you tell him you needed a rock? Did you tell him what "a rock" means to you, or is he supposed to figure out what you want in the actual manifestation of your metaphor.

If you were very clear on what you wanted and he just doesn't want to play that role for you, well, consider whether or not this is something you need from your relationship. If it is, this might be the wrong guy. You might also want to consider that maybe he does try to play that role, but you're unreasonable about it. "I want you to listen to me until I've gotten it all out and feel better" is doable. "I want you to listen to me and make me feel better" is not unless you tell him exactly how he's supposed to do that.

>>16638551
My only suggestion is to be as verbally direct as possible. When he metaphorically throws up his hands and asks "What do you want me to do?" tell him that you just want him to listen, acknowledge your struggle and affirm that the situation sucks, and just be a little nicer to you. Tell him to stop the teasing when you're genuinely upset. Tell him exactly what you need - but you need to know what that is.

If you're direct in asking what you want/need from him multiple times and he continues to act exactly the same, then sorry, but you shouldn't expect any change. That's just how he is and you'll need to accept it and seek help/advice/support elsewhere.

>>16638642
I am trying very hard to look at all my possibilities. I will drop my classes, and I just have to deal with that. As for my car, there is nothing I can do now. So I'm fine with taking the bus to and from work. I am just stressed about mundane things, going to the store since I don't live close to one, financial issues, having to buy Another car when I have no money. My boyfriend and I live about 15 miles away from each other, so it's just going to take a little longer if I get to him.


I think you explained him to a tee, and that's what I was assuming. But what frustrates me is the imbalance of emotional support. My boyfriend depends on me emotionally, but does not do the same for me. I'm wondering if that's even fixable.

I was very clear last night in our argument. I told him that when he has issues, I am sympathetic. I listen to him, i even go out of my way to do small acts of kindness for him. But he doesn't do the same to me. I even told him, I'm not expecting you to cradle me or treat me like a baby, but the way he flees or makes fun of me is just messed up. I told him even just saying "that really sucks" goes a long way.

He argued that I am trying to change his personality and an being controlling. When I'm not. I just said that if you care about someone, you express it in some form when they feel upset.

Then near the end of the argument he said it was my fault that we got into the argument and that I had to apologize to him for not keeping it together with my own issues. He even said it was my fault my car was stolen. It was literally swooped from right outside my home at night. I don't even live in a bad area.

I know he can't fix my problems, but he just makes me feel like shit.

>
It's just, whenever something shitty happens, he's really flighty and emotionally distants himself from me. We argued last night about it. He said "I can't help you so what do you want from me?" It's not like I'm asking him to buy me a car or solve my problems. I just need a rock. He freaks out if he sees me stressed. And asking him to be supportive seems like it's from such a forced place.

that's kinda weird, he should try to comfort you at least...

>>16638499
>>family said it happened while I was driving so I have to pay

That is bullshit and you need to call your family out on that.

>>16638717
I did and we argued. My grandparents own five cars between the two of them. They allowed me to borrow the one that is hanging by a thread, and it went out on me. They blamed me for it, then said they wouldn't let me borrow any other one, then said I had to pay for the brakes if I wanted to drive it.


I honestly feel like they trapped me. I don't understand why, they are extremely wealthy and can pay for the brakes, but strict and also are distant when I rarely ask for help. They will not budge on it.

So yea, I got bamboozled by my own family, my cars stolen. I'm just so stressed out. I have barely any friends, no family that sympathizes with me. So I turn to my boyfriend and he acts the way he does. I'm in a very low place right now.

>>16638727
Is your insurance not doing anything about the car being stolen?

>>16638740
It happened a day before New Year's Eve, I found out on the 31st, and the claims office doesn't open back up until Monday. I'm waiting on their call. I don't know when or if they will pay me for it.

>>16638499
Do you know what went wrong with the brakes? As long as it isn't ABS related, the brakes are fairly simple. You could probably do the job yourself.

>>16638779
This car has always had bad brakes. The fluid was fine. The brakes were already low near the floor. And when I was driving yesterday, they completely stopped working. I pumped the brake a ton before getting them to slightly work.

The handbrake also isn't working well. My grandpa could not diagnose the problem, but this car has been having brake problems for years. A storm is about to hit my town. There's no way I can drive it safely

>>16638499

He may not be being an asshole, he may just be a man. I had the same problem in my relationship and we addressed it (among other things) in therapy.

The thing the therapist told us, which made a whole lot of sense, is that men want to fix things, they don't really understand that most of the time you don't need a solution, you just need someone to listen and say "oh that sucks" or "I'm sorry that happened to you" or "your boss shouldn't treat you like that!"

so, he may subconsciously be thinking that he can't solve your problems, so he doesn't know what else you could need from him.

>>16638776
Ugh, that sucks. Definitely submit a police report as well as soon as you can, most of the time it's futile, but at my husband's work a cashier had her car stolen (some fuck found bolt cutters in the receiving area, targeted her locker, and stole her keys) and the dumbasses were smart enough to go to a Target they had stolen from previously and were caught on camera. Thankfully she got her car back unharmed.

Also, when you do get an opportunity to speak to your insurance provider, know your policy. My manager's husband had his trailer (he owns a bike shop) stolen that had bikes in it, and he had to fight his insurance to get the full amount reimbursed. They can be dicks, so you may need to be really persistent.

It sucks balls, but remember that it's just a setback. Once this washes over you and you're past it, you'll be able to pick up again. It will be ok. And maybe it's tacky, but consider a Kickstarter? A lot of people use them nowadays to help with medical bills and such. I'm not sure if that's acceptable, so chide me if it's not, but hey, anything helps.

>>16638789
The fluid level is fine? I guess a leak is out of the question then. However it could be air in the system that's giving you a low pedal. Could also be the force enhancer (no idea what it's called in English) that has faulty gaskets, letting the pressure back into the reservoir. Basically giving you no brake effect.

And I'm guessing since this shit hasn't been worked on, the pads and discs are pretty thin. Which further instigates the problem.

In any case, this can hardly be pinpointed to you. Your family are really shitty for tricking you like this.

>>16638795
Yea, I was thinking that he's expressing frustration over not being able to fix it. But I mean, the way he goes about that frustration is pretty assholeish. I can understand the frustration, but why does all the blaming, teasing, and telling our friends have to be a part of that?

I rarely complain to my boyfriend. Hell, bad things rarely happen to me or us. It just creeps me out over the long term. We've been together 5 years. And if I spend a large portion of my life with a person, do I want them to be like that every time there is an issue?

I understand the man thing, but I really just think my boyfriend lacks a lot of empathy and emotional intelligence in general.

He's the sweetest person when all is well, but abandons ship on any problem, not only with me. It's just unrealistic for life.

>>16638814

I didn't see the part about him teasing or telling friends.

It sounds like you guys are young adults, probably in an adult, serious relationship for the first time. Time to work on both of your communication skills.

Sit him down and tell him what you've experienced, and tell him what you would like out of the relationship. Tell him you want to work with him to be the best couple that you can be because you see a future with him and want to grow together. See what he says to you in that context when you explain to him how he makes you feel. When you are done, give him the opportunity to talk to you about things you do that might bother him. Try and make a plan about what you can both do to be better and end the conversation on a good note. Just emphasize that you want to work together as a team always, and not against each other.

>>16638839
Sort of. I'm 24, he's 27. But this is our first "adult" relationship. His longest previous relationship was in high school and lasted 7 months.

Any serious talk about the future frustrates him as well. The closest we've ever come to advancement in our relationship was a few months ago when he started talking about the idea of moving in together. But there is no "serious" talking with my boyfriend unless he wants it to be serious. If I bring up anything in a slightly serious tone, he reacts defensively. Like I'm attacking him.

I told him all that last night after we were "making up" if you can call it that. He ignored me. Likely because he was still heated. But if he's in a good mood, he ignores serious conversations too.

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>>16638875

>>16638689
Why are you with a guy who makes you feel like shit? And apparently does so on a somewhat regular basis?

Asking someone to be more thoughtful shouldn't be like asking someone to change their core personality, unless their core personality is simply "uncaring asshole". When most people do thoughtless shit, it is literally thoughtless and from a lack of awareness. Pointing it out to someone who cares should get something like "oh, sorry, didn't realize, I'll try to be more aware and not do that." If making fun of you and your problems is a part of his core personality that he doesn't want to change, what the fuck is up with you that this is ok?

As far as your real problems:

As far as your grandparents being "unfair", yes, it's bullshit that they're blaming you for the brake failure (and what sort of assholes would give a grandchild a car to drive that they KNOW is dangerous). It also sounds like they aren't insisting that you pay for a repair, only that you pay for the repair if you want to drive it. I don't see that last part as being unreasonable. What, you have other people just lining up to let you use their cars for free?

Call around to find a mechanic willing to do an estimate for a reasonable price, preferably applicable to repair, and see how much it will cost to fix. Bring your boyfriend along so at least he can be useful as a male presence to moderate the knee-jerk desire that most mechanics have to rip off women. Figure out what it costs on average to get the kind of repair work done that the mechanic says is necessary, and ask your grandparents/parents if they will pay it up front and let you pay them back over time.

>>16638875

Communication is not optional. Tell him you want to grow and move forward together, and that includes communicating and planning for the future. If he puts up a fuss tell him that that is what you need in a relationship and you want to work with him, but if he refuses that you will need to move on because he is holding you back.

>>16638875

This happens in my relationship sometimes, and its not because we're shitty, it's because we're adults and we're tired after a long day. Try "scheduling" a conversation instead of just starting one.

"Hey I want to talk about some things I've been feeling. I know you had a long day, is there a good time we can talk later?"

>>16638889
He used to not be so shitty. I know he is struggling hard with his own plate. He hates his job but needs the pay. He's been emotionally declining for like two years now and I thought he'd make it out of it. Probably why he gets more frustrated by my issues. He keeps insisting that his job has "changed him" but won't look for opportunities to get out. I'd even help him look for better, higher paying jobs in his field but he's afraid to make the jump and be rejected and jobless.

I was starting to think of it as a hurdle in our relationship, but now it's just a struggle.

>>16638499
Hey OP, I'm sorry that I don't have advice for you, but just figured I'd chime in and say that I have a very similar situation that upsets me with the GF. It seems like common decency to just be an ear for someone when they're upset, I do it all the time for her, but on the rare occasion that I get angry at something (which is not about her / has nothing to do with her), she almost tries to escalate the situation rather than defusing it. She'll do this thing where she offers some really cutting (towards me) opinion/advice sort of as a joke. So after talking with her, I end up even more pissed than after the original issue

>>16638499
A good SO is supposed to pump you up and make you feel better when you're in a shitty situation, OP.

The three most important things in a relationship are sexual intimacy, attraction and communication. You can have sex with someone and hardly speak or even be attracted to them, talk to a person all day long and never think a dirty, steamy thought about them or think they're beautiful but find nothing else redeeming about them.

It doesn't matter if he rocks your socks, or can chat about nonsense you both love. If push comes to shove and you're on the brink of suicide, if this guy refuses talk you out of it, then you can't trust him with your heart, because according to you, he doesn't seem to have one.

Like you said here in >>16638875 he seems pretty immature. I don't know your type, but he seems really emotionally distant, and it sounds like you need someone more in touch with their feelings. If you can't even talk to him about your issues but he wants to move in with you, then what are you gaining out of that situation? I'm all ears, OP.

>>16638902
Do you know what a "sunk cost fallacy" is?

Anyway, as far as getting to school on time, other possibilities:

Look for a rideshare/car pool. Craigslist is an option if you live in a reasonably sized city. Your school may offer something like that. You can stand up before the start of class and at the end and ask "My car got stolen and I can't afford to replace it, is anyone coming from [direction of work] at [end of work time] and can give me a ride? I can offer a few bucks for gas money."

Have you checked with work about changing your schedule?

Have you tried letting your professors know what's going on? If you're at the start of a new semester and not in class yet, email them now. Are they ok with you being a few minutes late? Are they ok with you giving a recording device to them or a different student to catch the start of a lecture? Do they have another class at a different time that you could make? Even if you're not enrolled in it and enrollment's closed, they might let you move -- if you're already a student, they gotta invest the time to grade your shit anyway.

Again, I don't know if this is stuff you've already thought of or are doing, but if it were me, I were in debt, and finishing school was my way out, it would be my absolute highest priority to graduate on time.