I'd like to develop a real friendship with a girl I know from work. How do I do this?
I've been working with this girl for about 6 months now, and I greatly enjoy her company. She's smart, funny, cool, etc. We talk a lot when we're at work together, eat lunch together, and generally spend time around each other when we're at work and have nothing else to do for the day. There are a few issues with me just coming straight out and asking for her number so that we can keep in touch when we're not at work together, though.
First off, I'm recently engaged (I proposed on Christmas Eve). The girl knows this (also knows that I've been with my fiancée for 6 years), is very happy for me, and has expressed interest in wanting to come to the wedding (even jokingly suggested that she's throw me a bachelor party). Because of this, I feel kind of awkward asking the girl to become closer friends with me (despite the fact that most of my friends are female; they were all friends before I started dating my fiancée). I don't want her to feel that I'm trying to skeeze on her and get some side action -- let me make it clear here that I have absolutely no intention of doing that -- but I really don't see a way that I can develop the friendship further without it seeming like that.
Second, she's (what I feel is) significantly younger than me (5 years). I feel that this kind of compounds the earlier issue because I feel like I might appear like the weird older guy trying to get with a younger girl.
Third, she's physically attractive. This is the big issue. Even though my fiancée has encouraged me to make friends and whatnot with my coworkers, I feel like she'd be threatened if I started communicating with a younger, attractive girl from work outside of work. My intention is NOT to try and have a fling with this girl or have a relationship with this girl behind my fiancée’s back. I legitimately just want to have her as a friend outside of work because I enjoy her company.
Ctd.
>>16625046
While I do find her physically attractive, I am legitimately interested in developing a strictly platonic friendship with this girl. I’m NOT trying to get with her, I love my fiancée and would never, NEVER do something so despicable to my fiancée. Despite the age difference, this girl is genuinely interesting to me (we have great conversations, have similar senses of humour and tastes) and I don’t want to be seen as trying to “take advantage” of a younger girl (by either her or my fiancée). On one hand, I feel that my recent engagement would help my case, indicating to her that I’m entirely committed to my fiancée and removing the whole issue of her getting the wrong idea about me asking to become closer friends. On the other, she might think I’m being a scumbag who’s trying to develop a romantic relationship with her behind my fiancée’s back. Also, I’m not sure how my fiancée would feel about me attempting to develop a friendship with this girl – she knows that I work with this girl (I’ve spoken with my fiancée about her and she knows that this girl and I are work friends), but she could reasonably feel threatened if I attempt to make an actual friendship out of a work relationship with another girl.
How do I ask her to become better friends with me without a) seeming like a scumbag, b) being awkward and trying to convince her that I’m not being a scumbag, c) ruining the relationship we already have, and d) getting my fiancée angry?
Talk to your fiancee first. Then invite the girl to a group event with some of your other female friends, your fiancee, or other coworkers.
She has to be a part of your fiance's life and getting close to both of you... IF you really are wanting to be "just friends"...
>i'm not trying to bang her i swear
yeah right nigga
seriously though invite her to a larger get-together outside of work, ideally one where your fiancee is
>>16625141
Another issue I should have brought up is that we live fairly far apart. We both work in a different city than we live in, and we don't live in the same city. I'd never really see her outside of work because of this (unless I invited her to an event of some sort, but I'm a homebody and rarely go out very often as it is), but I want to stay in contact with her anyway. I'll be leaving my job in May for an internship, and I may not return to the job after my internship, and if that happens, I simply won't have any way to keep in touch with her. I realize that it's not much of a serious friendship to keep in contact just through texts, but I'd like to be able to keep in touch with her at the very least. If the opportunity presents itself to invite her out somewhere though, I'd certainly consider it (I did this once before, but it was a) on short notice because I had just learned of the event, and b) inopportune because she was carpooling home after work -- offering to drive her just seemed off the table at the time, too suggestive).
I know the obvious solution is Facebook, but I don't have one and never have. It seems kind of weird and desperate to make a Facebook just to keep in contact with her.
Thanks for the reply, btw.
>>16625191
>>16625176
I'd be totally fine with doing this if it were feasible. The best way I could do it is to invite her and her brother (also really cool guy, very similar to his sister, not an issue to keep in contact with him because it doesn't look weird) out to an event or something, but both of them live in a different city than I do (pretty sure they live in different cities themselves, going to different universities) and her brother only rarely works with us.
>>16625046
Dude, the fact that you have to write out an essay on this is already a bad sign. Stay the fuck away from her, your brain is performing all kinds of mental gymnastics to rationalize your behavior - you sound like one of those pedos who start up and down that they just really, really love children.
Look, you don't NEED to be BFF with this girl, you are agonizing over this way too much for it to be simply nothing - if you simply thought she was a really cool person that you wanted to keep in touch with them you should have had no problems just exchanging contact info on professional terms, especially if you're going to be leaving for a different job soon.
This does not have a good vibe, bro.
>>16625250
Of course I don't need to be close friends with her, but I'd still like to.
She's 18, I'm 23. Every time I realize this fact, I get a huge smack from reality that tells me to stay the fuck away because anything that I do to develop a friendship outside of work will look weird to just about everybody who isn't me (particularly my fiancee), which is why I was looking for advice on the issue.
Your point is something I've deeply considered for a while, but I'm certain about my feelings towards this girl and know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't do anything to ruin our friendship and my relationship with my fiancee.
Thinking about what you said though, it kind of does make sense to simply be out with the question of asking for her contact info in a matter-of-fact, "professional" way. Hard to interpret that as having ulterior motives if I'm straightforward with it, I suppose.
I was really just worried that she'd interpret my request incorrectly and think I was trying to develop something other than a platonic friendship with her, but I can see what you mean about just being all business about it.
Thanks.
