>>16613894
Sometimes people just feel like talking to others about their problems and such. Happens all the time.

Being a good listener is (imo) about giving just a bit of an actual advice
or showing people possible options when they've problems. Never telling them what to do. That's just bad.

And saying "hmm, yes, uh-huh" while nodding is ok but not after every damn word or sentence. Don't overuse it.

>>16614245
>>16614245
>Being a good listener is (imo) about giving just a bit of an actual advice
or showing people possible options when they've problems. Never telling them what to do. That's just bad.
So if I for example tell a girl who thinks she's ugly that she may have body image issues, that's good; But if I tell her that she needs to suck if up and try to live life anyway, that's bad?

>And saying "hmm, yes, uh-huh" while nodding is ok but not after every damn word or sentence. Don't overuse it.
Now that I think about it the biggest problem is that most of the time when people confide in me it's on the internet. If you don't formulate at least some kind of response to a text, then it's the equivalent to leaving the room.

It's very easy to be a good listener when people tell you anecdotes or tell you about their past and their plans or their fears. Even if they have a terrible past or circumstances or something. There is still opening for you to ask questions.

But the worst is when you get a "my life sucks and everything is hopeless" Not only is it hard to respond, they tend to get mad if you try to give them advice.

There are 3 phases:

Phase 1 is to shut up yourself, or so called quiet listening. This is a good start for a beginner but shouldn't be used as primary listening strategy except with really heavy stuff.

Phase 2 is pretending to be interested. Unlike the quiet listener you want to pretend you are interested instead of pretending you are a mute. You wanna throw in some ooooh, aaahs, uh huh's and other grunts when the partner makes a point or concludes something. In addition you want to include some physical pretending: easiest tip for an aspie is to simply mirror what the partner is doing, if hes explaining his work with enthusiasm and looking at your direction, look at his direction and be a bit jumpy yourself. If hes explaining some philosophy stuff at the beach, you should also look into the distance and be like yeahh... if hes maintaining eye contact and explaining something romantic, you should do that too. That kind of shit.

3rd phase is to be reflective. Do everything before but also throw back reflections of the stuff he is talking about. Here is an example. "I saw X yesterday morning while I was in drinking coffee in Y" notice the key words and throw them back at your discussion partner. Depending on who and what was talked about some good responses could be: "Oh who was he?" "X?" "X!" "What was X doing there?" "what did you drink" "Why were you in Y" etc. etc. Ask a question or make a remark about key topic of the discussion, reflect the discussion back at him which proves you are listening. Reflecting like this can also be used to subtly guide the conversation naturally towards a direction you want.

>>16614441

Unless you are confident with the situation you want to avoid the typical pitfalls like trying to give unwanted advice, talking too much or changing subject yourself. The solutions to these are simple:

Unless advice is being asked implicitly a good way to probe the discussion is to simply ask how the partner would deal with the situation himself. "GOD i'm having such a bad day!!"
>don't
Do X, that always helps me!
>do
What do you usually do when you have a bad day?

Talking too much you simply want to avoid going into detail. Keep your responses short and compact. Keep questions directed towards the topic and the matter at hand in a way he can keep on talking

Don't try to change subject before the partner is ready to change it. If things aren't progressing try to guide the discussion with reflections instead. The key is to make him think he came up with the idea to change the topic.

First things first. Why do you want to be a good listener? Have people commented on your lack thereof or are you honestly wanting to become one?

It's not a rule set in stone that you cannot give advice. It's just that most people jump to it without wondering if that's really what the person is looking for, whether they are sure they understood their position completely etc.

If you don't want to give advice, do;
>nod, make occasional eye contact and give "yeah"s and "hmhm"s to show that you are listening
>make sure your body language matches and your body is facing them
>ask questions, preferably open-ended
>repeat phrases if you want to hear more ("I grew up in a really chaotic household-" "chaotic?"), people typically need little prompting and keeping it as neutral as possible can be more effective than filling it in for them ("do you mean chaotic as in loud people?")
>occasionally summarize what they said or give your own interpretation ("from what I heard it seems like.."), make sure to give them an opportunity to argue your version... this makes sure you're on the same page

If you do give advice;
>you can always ask if they want to hear what you think, or if it's okay to give a suggestion
>explain why you think this would be useful... most suggestions aren't brand new so also providing how you relate this to their story can open their eyes in a way a short bland statement won't

>>16614460
I'm already an okay listener and often have people confide in me, but I want to get better at it. I don't want anyone to regret placing their trust in me.