Hello /adv/ I'm in a bit of a pickle
>2014ish meet girl and become close friends talk almost regularly for the past 2 years or so
>girl eventually tells me she has feelings for me and she would like to be in a relationship
>beta in me is afraid of being in a relationship and i say i'm not ready because i have depression and anxiety and i was fat as fuck.
>she had similar issues.
>end up talking a bit less after my 'rejection' of her
>i was actually trying to improve myself so i could be presentable and be in a relationship
>ffw 2015 february
>I've lost weight, read health and mental help books, signed up for college, job seeking.
>find out she's in a relationship with some guy
>we rarely talked because i didn't have internet or a phone line
>feel like i've really missed out
>feel like she's moved on but i haven't
>talk to her and she says she's happy with him and that he's amazing
>regress into anxiety/depression a bit.
>ffw 2015 june/july
>she tells me she's living with her boyfriend until she moves to another city
>she wants to hang out one last time before she leaves
>we never do
>she leaves
>ffw 2015 august
>she's in a new city
>i'm getting my life together
>she tells me she hated living in my city
>she says her mom kicked her out and she was forced to move in with her now ex
>she says she's really happy where she is now
>we start talking over the next few months
>get close again
>I end up telling her that i never stopped thinking about her
>she says she didn't know but that she feels the same, that we always had something
>we talk about how we feel/felt about each other
>have good positive conversations
>start falling in love
>I tell her i love her
>she tells me she loves me
>says she doesn't want a long distance relationship
>says she doesn't want anyone else
>says she's coming to visit family for the holidays
>says she wants to see me
>(cont)
>>16620246
>ffw 2015 December/now
>she finally gets back into town to see her family
>she's staying until after new year
>We meet up
>go out a few times around town
>end up making out/love a couple times
>she's my first
>I'm her second
>ends up telling me her ex was not who she wanted to be with
>says he was really wrong for her
>says she never loved him
>says she loves me
>i believe her
>says she stayed with him more out of necessity for a place to live than anything
>she tells me about how he once forced himself onto her and basically raped her and how she said nothing to anyone
>feel really bad
>feel regret
>realize there was nothing i could have done
>we both agree that things happened the way they should have and it's okay
>a few days ago i drive over to her place and she tells me she wants to go yell at her ex because of something she found out
>Beta me drives her over and stays in car at her request
>sit in car
>she knocks on his door
>I expect yelling
>they end up talking pretty casually
>i think i see him lean in for a kiss
>I think i see them hug atleast
>she laughs multiple times
>I wait and watch in the car for about 30 minutes
>she comes back
>i'm visibly upset
>drive her back to her place
>tells me to talk to her
>i don't say anything
>I tell her i'm stupid and it was a mistake that i ever came over
>she starts crying
>i start crying
>we cry in each other's arms for about an hour
>she tells me she loves me and doesn't want to lose me
>i tell her i don't want to lose her either
>She tells me she loves me
>I tell her i love her
>(cont)
>>16620269
and now the meat of the question
>been thinking more and more about her ex
>realize he was her first
>remember she wasn't his first
>feel sick at the thought of them having sex
>feel sick at the thought of them having sex for the 5 months she lived with him
>i message her and tell her i'm uncomfortable that she has that experience and i don't
>She and I haven't had much sex as we both don't have a place of our own
>she gets upset
>thinks all i want is sex
>I don't
>I'm just bothered that she has that experience and i don't
>she says sex with her ex is way different than what we have
>says there's a difference between making love and fucking
>feel sick
>I tell her i don't know the difference, she's the only one i've been with and i love her
>Tells me I can fuck whoever i want
>tell her i don't want to
>we kind of brush it under the rug and forget about it
>we talk about having a future
>sounds very realistic
>motivated to make it happen
>still feel a sort of resentment towards her and her past
>feel resentment towards myself for letting it happen
>not sure how to deal with it
I feel inadequate atleast sexually when i'm with her
Always wondering how much better her ex is than me at sex
Always thinking about all the things they've done together
How do i deal with it?
How do i deal with knowing she's had someone more experienced and probably prefers him sexually?
Is this all young foolish insecurity? I'm 20 and she's 18
I know she loves me and that I love her and that's all that should matter but why doesn't it to me?
Is this just stupid guy bullshit?
What do i do?
>>16620246
Bump
ah fuck you /adv/ i'm going to /b/
>>16620246
You massive massive faggot. You honestly don't deserve jack shit.
>>16620349
You had the betaness to wait all this time to create this problem, but wont have the patience to wait 30 minutes to receive some advice . You might as well become a fucking cuck since you love to wait and see the how things turn out to beinstead of doing what you have to do.
>>16620370
>>16620375
words hurt guys come on :^[
bump
>>16620246
just Off the cuff OP...she's sounds like a bipolar bitch and this "relationship" is very unhealthy, if you want a girls mind, body and soul...don't settle for just soul...forget that bitch
>>16620246
You just waited in the car while she cucked you, lmao.
But like the others anons said, you deserve it, you're a massive faggot and that bitch has you by the balls.
answering your questions:
>How do i deal with it?
Dump her
>How do i deal with knowing she's had someone more experienced and probably prefers him sexually?
You don't, just do your best to improve at sex.
>Is this all young foolish insecurity? I'm 20 and she's 18
You're are insecure and she is crazy, that's it.
>I know she loves me and that I love her and that's all that should matter but why doesn't it to me?
She doesn't love you faggot, she is manipulating you with the old "I'm a princress locked in a tower with a dragon, come and save me my white knight!"
>Is this just stupid guy bullshit?
Yes
>What do i do?
Break up, move on, and just get into another relationship when you are mature enough to be able to avoid drama queens.
>>16620246
Dude you went full beta every chance you got. Learn from this and move on. She'll never be attracted to you but others might if you never do this shit again. Crying in her arms bro? You really thought that was going get her wet for you?
>>16621099
>You just waited in the car while she cucked you, lmao.
>>16620381
You definitely made some beta moves, but I'm feeling kind so I'll help you out a bit.
You two think you love each other, but you're both young and you'll realize in time that one of you is likely to stop loving the other at some point and things just won't work out.
Don't bother with this bitch, she's manipulating you (whether she knows it or not) and will only end up hurting you more if you don't just dump her. If you guys really do have something then maybe you'll get back together when you're both mature enough to maintain an actual relationship.
>>16620273
Haha I have this problem too, it makes me really angry for some reason too. I know their sexual past is irrelevant and doesn't affect them personally etc etc but that shit STILL races thru my mind. Wish I wasn't such a faggot
